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Working from home struggles

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TMI Baby Magic & More

I always come back here. I guess it’s a space for me to write what I want and assume no one will read it. However, if someone does, I hope it brings them joy or entertainment or something, ANYTHING, good. I know it does for me.

So first, I’m obsessive. I am riddled with anxiety. And when I want something, I am NOT equipped to wait for it. I VERY much want instant gratification. To my own detriment. And I’m saying this because my baby just turned 1 and now I can’t quit thinking about and WANTING to have more kids. And my husband, poor thing, doesn’t realize that each time we have sex, my mind turns into a Potential Babyhood Playground.

I KNOW this happens with women who are trying to conceive and it would be normal if my husband and I had decided to TRY to conceive, but we’re not trying (but not NOT trying). So sex is like a hopeful potential for me. But it also makes me drive myself crazy and buy TONS of pregnancy tests.

And I did this SAME thing when I was trying to get pregnant with Ro and for MONTHS I would end up being SO DISAPPOINTED when I wasn’t. And we aren’t having sex over and over during ovulation or anything. Again... we’ll have sex once a week or so and if it IS in my fertile week, I immediately think, “I wonder if I am. Oooo gosh! I have a headache. Maybe I’m pregnant!?!?!“ I’m joking about it right now, but honestly, when you’re in the thick of it and step out of that mindset for a moment, you realize that you’re torturing yourself.

Nevertheless... it’s happening now. And my goal, to prevent this from happening in the future (regarding pregnancy), I’m documenting EVERYTHING.

So this page is going to end up being a HUGE section of TMI about my body, vaginal discharge, sex, baby things, etc. so that if I get pregnant in the future and get pregnant soon, I’ll be able to look back at this to soothe my mind (and act as WebMD to my symptoms) about whether I am in fact pregnant or not. Because researching website after website day after day when you’re wishing and hoping is EXHAUSTING. So I’d like to know if, for SURE, my symptoms are really mental or physical.

I remember with Ro that we had sex either the day before or the day of or after Mother’s Day 2017. I want to say that I’m certain it was the day before. Because J and I went to see my mom and we were watching Get Out and before we all got together I asked her, “What do you want for Mother’s Day?” and her answer was, “A Grandbaby.” She got that wish.... and 9 months later, Ro was born.

I also remember that I experienced implantation bleeding about a week before my period. And it was very light pink/brown that didn’t require a liner, just a good wipe. I also remember starting bleeding again around the time of my period (and continuing to bleed each day after that) and having to go to the doctor early to get on progesterone. But low and behold, I WAS pregnant. I KNEW the moment I had the spotting. I knew that in that moment every previous month where I assumed I was pregnant that I wasn’t and that THIS was it. It was startling and amazing.

So right now, 3/6/19, I’m in the cycle of wanting to get pregnant. I’ve done the “I think I’m pregnant” for about 3 months now and I haven’t been. So now I’m thinking I am this month (and feel certain, but obviously, could be wrong) because on 3/4/19 & 3/5/19 I experienced light spotting. Again, VERY light the first day with more-than-average discharge tinged pink. Yesterday, my daughter threw the worst tantrum she’s ever thrown and I was STRESSED. So I got to work and was walking around and had that sensation *down there* and went to the bathroom. And there was TONS of discharged with lots of brownish coloring. It happened only on these 2 bathroom visits and I didn’t and haven’t seen anything since. So perhaps it’s spotting or perhaps it’s implantation bleeding. Only time will tell.

I do want to put this out there. The one source that I used that was accurate in terms of my previous pregnancy was the ovulation calendar by First Response. It was also helpful that I had been tracking the days I started my period so that I could know how many days my cycle was, so there’s that. But I remember as soon as I started WANTING to get pregnant again, that’s the website I used to “just look” at my ovulating days.

Now I’m sounding a little nuts. I didn’t research these days and then go, “Ooo, I’ll get J to have sex with me on these days.” That was never my intention. I just let my mind go crazy if we HAPPENED to have sex during that time period. And honestly, if you’re in tune with your body, you’re sex drive increases naturally during this time. It’s WILD the things the human body can do.

So.. this is where I stand right now, at 10:30 AM on a Wednesday. I think I’m pregnant.

I think that the universe has an odd way or harmonizing and if there’s an opportunity for humor, it’ll be present too. And I’m saying that because our 10 year anniversary is this month (6 unmarried, 4 married) and if I AM pregnant, my potential future baby’s birthday would be around the same time as my husbands. Which I find ENTIRELY hilarious. Because Ro looks like my clone. Her thumb nail and big toe nail are really the only different things between us. And I think it would be WONDERFUL for our future child to share a birthday with J. He deserves a win. Because Ro is ALSO a Mama’s Girl. And if all of our kids are Mama’s Babes, that’s cool, but at least he can say that one of them shared a date with him. And I think it would be SO special for him.

*Sigh*... I’m at work and I am NOT feeling well right now. Again... maybe I’m sick (rational) or maybe I’m pregnant because I 1)haven’t been sleeping well the last 3 nights, 2) have had headaches (which aren’t common for me) and 3)have been VERY nauseated. Right now my head feels full of liquid and my body wants me to throw up. And nausea happens to me more frequently than it should (due to motion sickness and my daily medication on an empty stomach) but this is VERY unpleasant and I can’t make it go away with food or rest... it’s just... THERE.

So here’s to hoping.... and documenting.. my potentials and my successes.

Pregnancy... and all that entails...

I’m writing about my pregnancy experience so far... That way, in a few years when I think I want another kid, I can look back on it and laugh (or cry) or both.

To follow, it’s brittandthebabe.tumblr.com

The Truth, The Whole Truth

If you suffer from depression... and I'm not talking about the occasional feeling blue, but real can't get out of bed or make yourself eat or shower or take care of yourself in general depression, then you're probably in for a real treat when you find out you're pregnant.

And people write all kinds of articles about postpartum and how to deal with that and how important it is to seek help-- they're all over that. But what hit me like a ton of bricks VERY early on was antenatal depression-- depression that hits you while you're pregnant that magnifies your already existing depression and makes it that much worse...

So I'm going to spend a bit of time relaying that today.... because it has taken me quite a while to really be able to talk about it.... and I was dealing really well in the 2nd trimester and (as of today, in my third) now it has kind of started swinging back this way.. making me incredibly nervous.

So let me start by saying that before I got pregnant, we got married in 2016. We've been together since 2009 and the whole reason I planned a wedding was NOT to get gifts or have a ceremony, but because J wouldn't try for children unless we were married. He didn't want us to conceive "bastards". I didn't understand-- I thought we had a good thing being engaged and getting good money back on our taxes and not having to pay as much in student loans. I still think I'm right, but that's dead and buried. So I got married, not for the ceremony or the thought of being together forever, but because it was the only way we both agreed that we could start trying for kids.

So I stopped taking birth control, got crazy adult acne, and started humping him like jack rabbits hoping it would happen. After about 4 months of me trying to be coy "planning" sex, our sex fizzled out. At 9 months, I started worrying something was wrong with me... because we hadn't been using protection and I had tried to have sex on the fertile days and it never seemed to happen. Fast forward a year and still nothing. During this year, your mind starts playing games on you. Your normal period symptoms are turned into potential pregnancy symptoms... and you start purchasing an excessive amount of pregnancy tests that you end up hiding in the cabinet hoping your significant other wont find and tally out the amount you spent that month. So every month I would think I was pregnant because I had it down to a science and a calculator and the symptoms were definitely there.... And then you'd take your 2nd or 3rd test (the last one you promised yourself) and it would say negative and then 5-6 hours later you'd start your period.

This time in my life I started getting sad that I 1)hadn't gotten pregnant 2)I had to suffer through ANOTHER period and 3)that I was going to have to find another purpose in life and achieve happiness through some other means because I simply couldn't go on this way.

So we decided that we'd just take a break from "trying". Which really turned out to mean that we just had sex semi-regularly... maybe once a week. And if for some strange reason we got pregnant, we'd get pregnant. And so I slowly caved to the regular bump and grind of every day life and developed an unhealthy obsession with my DVR. And don't think that I just let go of the thought (of trying to get pregnant) and it disappeared... it was still there a bit... and that teeny tiny speck of obsession and baby fever would make me do things like slip into the bathroom after sex, lie a towel on the ground, and sit there with my legs propped up on the wall and my bum in the air for about 5 minutes. And the day before Mother's Day 2017, I did just that... bum and legs in the air hoping J didn't knock on the door or worse yet, walk in, to wonder what in the world I was doing... and I got pregnant.

And to this day, I really didn't think it was going to happen. I still think I'm not truly pregnant, which is nuts because it's quite apparent. But I didn't think my crazy can't-let-go-attempts would get me pregnant... and then it did... and here we are...

So to say it was a surprise and not a surprise is the complete truth.

#pregnancy #antenatal depression #tryingtoconceive