If there was a certain moment that they had not seen her with eyes puffed and sagging, perhaps this day was the first. If it was those people who had no knowledge about her, they would mistake her sudden vigor as her first step to recovery. But physical attributes can be very deceiving. Heeyeon might look like a renewed person but no, she isn’t. Inside is still a broken psyche.
The nurses were very lenient and perhaps very complacent. There wasn’t any sort of grand change within her, except the fact that when she woke up, all that she remembered was that she just fell asleep prior, and nothing more. They knew she wasn’t aware of her outburst the night before and how the doctor had made his decision to put her under electroconvulsive therapy as his last resort. She was unaware of it all and though momentary, they’d actually like to see her in her peaceful state. Make her relish that kind of calm. Generously enough, her doctor had allowed her an hour on the garden, hoping that she’d appreciate the simplest beauty of waking up on such a sunny day, breathing and living.
Heeyeon looked very presentable, perhaps the most decent state she has ever been since she entered the center. The buttons of her night dress were properly placed, her hair tied in a neat ponytail, and a pair of baby blue slippers adorned her small feet. She was sitting at the bench located at the farthest side of the garden, near the lined trees and away from the crowd. It was an automatic move of her feet to choose that place, for reasons she did not bother thinking anymore. She was given an hour to herself, an hour to be outside, and an hour alone. For once, she was grateful for it.
Did she like the tranquility she’s immersed in right now? She could not say yes, yet couldn’t say no either. Not that she couldn’t decide which but to be honest, she couldn’t care less. She felt numb, and it is not from the dull headache that she had and is still having from the moment she woke up. Her eyes roamed around the vibrant colors of the green field and the small little flowers budding from the plants, and she still felt blank. She closed her eyes. She feels empty.
People think that they could hide this fact but they were wrong. Heeyeon felt that small change in her, she was sure with the look of the nurses and of the other patients. She knew something happened and she realized she had no memory of it, of at least from yesterday when she had sneaked pen and paper from the doctor’s office. She could’ve tried to remember but her mind was too tired to even think about it. All she wanted was to savor the quiet moment, the emptiness and the numbness all to herself. It has been a good 30 minutes of her own time, her own space. But one dared to invade her borrowed time.
“Aishhh.”
Along with the soft thud of a body dumping itself on the vacant space of her bench was a familiar voice that had ultimately cracked the veil that had kept her from falling back to her dark memories.
Missing years worth time of your life is like losing a hand - for an artist, it’d mean the whole world as what had once made him complete has now given him a disease that would last for a lifetime. So when her psychologist told her that there is a possibility that her lost memories could be retained, that is if those memories were voluntarily forgotten by her own mind, she’s decided to take any chance they can do just to have all of it back. The doctor had warned her of course. There must be a reason why she had forgotten them but was she ready to dig into those? Even if it meant that having her valued memories could also mean regretting them in the end?
“I’ll still choose to have them back.”
Every session time, her doctor would ask her the same question. To be honest, this morning she thought hard about it. She almost wanted to recline after Jiho nagged about her unsatisfaction. He told her that she was making it seem like she wanys everything in the world. Hyeji had a hard time conversing with him this morning. He was never the impatient one but he was suddenly showing her otherwise. And now Song Hyeji had nothing to tell her doctor but of her view to this morning’s disagreement with Jiho.
“I can’t see his significance in my life. My own life. Hyeji’s life– without my parents’ and siblings’ life.” She heaved out a deep sigh as she stretched her leg up the sofa. “I don’t –" … think that he loves me. Instead of continuing her statement, Hyeji fought her doubts by sitting up. “I think I wanna go now.”
The truth is thinking hard about things, reflecting on them makes her tired these days. She could go on about all the little thoughts that were bothering her mind yet she knew that at the end of the day, it’d be the same thoughts that she’d think about.
Ending her session, she wandered around the sanctuary, looking at her confused kinds - she’s luckier than them, wasn’t she? At least her actions make sense unlike them… unlike the woman who was blankly staring unto space. Hyeji landed her eyes to where the woman was looking but she only got disappointed when she found nothing interesting. So she asked her, “What are you looking at?”
They say it’s the safest place.Away from the hustles of the city, away from any disruptions that may easily ignite or aggravate them. Away from the remnants of the past that had lead them to what they are right now. Being in Busan (of its specific place, she merely knows) perhaps was enough relief for her, for them. Seoul was a dangerous place, and a lady from the other pavilion would agree with her as she mumbles the phrase every time. It is indeed.
But the past is a lot more dangerous.
For a moment she just stayed still, eyes fixated onto the girl who had just spoken. It can’t be... Heeyeon had to blink her eyes once, twice and thrice before the voice and the face connects to a name she had almost thought she had forgotten. _Song Hyeji. _Questions rummaged through her head. Why is she here? What was she doing here? Why does she looks different?
And when she realized that Hyeji’s tone was so indifferent made her wonder..
Do you even know me?
Heeyeon did not bother answering, and for once she was thankful that she could not place her thoughts into words. Perhaps it wasn’t Song Hyeji. Perhaps it is a girl who just happened to look like her, or sound like her. Perhaps it was just another trick of her mind. It wasn’t as if she could answer her. And even if she could, she wouldn’t. She had half an hour left to savour her solitude. Heeyeon would not let anyone disrupt it. Not even this kind of visual hallucination.
Dismissing her unwanted company and her question, Heeyeon’s eyes went back to stare the length of the lined trees, concentrating on her breathing as she focused on those trees. _One, two, three.. She started counting, numbing her senses and only focusing on what she sees. She tried her best to concentrate. She knew herself enough. She knew what could happen if she allows her mind to entertain thoughts of the past. And she wouldn’t. She shouldn’t.
For once she liked to be numb, she liked to be empty.
If there was a certain moment that they had not seen her with eyes puffed and sagging, perhaps this day was the first. If it was those people who had no knowledge about her, they would mistake her sudden vigor as her first step to recovery. But physical attributes can be very deceiving. Heeyeon might look like a renewed person but no, she isn’t. Inside is still a broken psyche.
The nurses were very lenient and perhaps very complacent. There wasn’t any sort of grand change within her, except the fact that when she woke up, all that she remembered was that she just fell asleep prior, and nothing more. They knew she wasn’t aware of her outburst the night before and how the doctor had made his decision to put her under electroconvulsive therapy as his last resort. She was unaware of it all and though momentary, they’d actually like to see her in her peaceful state. Make her relish that kind of calm. Generously enough, her doctor had allowed her an hour on the garden, hoping that she’d appreciate the simplest beauty of waking up on such a sunny day, breathing and living.
Heeyeon looked very presentable, perhaps the most decent state she has ever been since she entered the center. The buttons of her night dress were properly placed, her hair tied in a neat ponytail, and a pair of baby blue slippers adorned her small feet. She was sitting at the bench located at the farthest side of the garden, near the lined trees and away from the crowd. It was an automatic move of her feet to choose that place, for reasons she did not bother thinking anymore. She was given an hour to herself, an hour to be outside, and an hour alone. For once, she was grateful for it.
Did she like the tranquility she’s immersed in right now? She could not say yes, yet couldn’t say no either. Not that she couldn’t decide which but to be honest, she couldn’t care less. She felt numb, and it is not from the dull headache that she had and is still having from the moment she woke up. Her eyes roamed around the vibrant colors of the green field and the small little flowers budding from the plants, and she still felt blank. She closed her eyes. She feels empty.
People think that they could hide this fact but they were wrong. Heeyeon felt that small change in her, she was sure with the look of the nurses and of the other patients. She knew something happened and she realized she had no memory of it, of at least from yesterday when she had sneaked pen and paper from the doctor’s office. She could’ve tried to remember but her mind was too tired to even think about it. All she wanted was to savor the quiet moment, the emptiness and the numbness all to herself. It has been a good 30 minutes of her own time, her own space. But one dared to invade her borrowed time.
“Aishhh.”
Along with the soft thud of a body dumping itself on the vacant space of her bench was a familiar voice that had ultimately cracked the veil that had kept her from falling back to her dark memories.
They say silence is a bliss. The void of any noise is very peaceful and calming to the mind and soul. It pacifies and it heals. A befitting background to set a good rejuvenation. That is why they sent you here, she often hears. To get away from the hustle of the city, the busy streets and avenues, and the noises brought upon by her past.
But does she really get away with it?
Heeyeon hates the silence. She hates how people are so calm despite the rage that burns deep within her. She hates how her silence silences them. She hates how her silence solicits pitiful stares at her. She hates her own silence. She hates all the silence they push her into.
They do not know. No. They just pretend that they do, but they don’t They do not know that silence, above everything else, triggers her. Silence is a soft white canvass ready to be poured with black emotions. Silence is the perfect background for the raging demons to slowly whisper against her ears, reminding her of everything, and letting her nail herself into those moments until it consumes her. And those demons succeed. Every. Single. Time.
“Don’t you try to forget woman! I made you! You would not be what you are now if it wasn’t for me!”
“You were once involved with them, am I right?”
“Let me tell you something. You almost got him killed.”
“You and your selfish little rusty heart.”
No. I don’t.
“Why,it’s you, the flower bearer.”
“Don’t try to erase your mistake by saving a life. I know what you did.”
I did not mean to.
“You lost yourself woman.”
“This little girl? Do you think she’d like it if she knew what her mother really is?”
No! Not my little one!
“Noona.. I... came here for you but....”
“Such a sad reunion.. tsk tsk.”
DON’T!! PLEASE!!
“Oops. Bad shot. Should’ve been you instead.”
“Would you take the bullet for her?”
“Hell is waiting for us.”
STOP!! PLEASE... STOP!
But she couldn’t fathom it anymore. Voices bombarded her along with the memories of that fated night. Woojin’s face. Hyoeun. The sight of her being carried by the evil in the form of Kazu, holding a gun with the other hand. Everything went back in full circle. That so called silence made its way for doom to come and relive itself again.
I don’t want this anymore.
But she could not escape the fact that she handed Hyoeun to Kazu with her own hands the moment she decided to be involved with him.
It wasn’t what I wanted.
But her choices were mistakes she could not undo. The damages were too severe before she knew it.
Let this stop!!
But she could not deny the fact that it ultimately ruined her. Everything. Even her small little bundle of hope had shattered when she did it.
“Eomma. Eomma.”
“Can you hear her cries? Do you hear her now? Too late. You already ignored her for so many times!”
I didn’t!
“Oh boy, you did.”
No!! I did not!
“So do you want me to tell you every single thing? Like when you finally noticed her cries....
STOP! I DID NOT DO THAT!
“..you took her small hands and led her to the balcony.”
THAT IS NOT TRUE!
“..and she mindlessly follows you as a child follows her mother.. and you. You took her with you to the edge of the balcony. your feet coming in together...”
YOU ARE A LIAR!
“WAKE UP AND SEE THE TRUTH HEEYEON!”
NO!
“You tried to kill her. YOU TRIED TO KILL YOUR CHILD.
I was just trying to bring her...
“to where? to the pit of your own downfall?”
No. I will bring myself. Only myself in.
She was delirious. Or is it just the truth facing her and rubbing them against her wounded psyche? Most probably it is. Because these are the things that they push her to try to forget. But she just couldn’t. She just wouldn’t.
There is only one thing that she needs to do to make it right. She knows. She knew all along. But she was always hesitant. Why? Because she was trying to escape the truth. She was making her believe that she is a victim of her circumstances. That she was only led to do what she has done. But she is the perpetrator of it all. And what better way to end this than to make things right.
I will not bring her down with me.
I’m sorry Hyoeunnie.
엄마 was wrong. I should’ve not done that to you.
엄마 will make it right now.
She was at the edge. At the very edge of sanity in the same way her feet was swallowed by the sea water. All the way up to her knees and going up. There was the rain and the tears mixed as they rolled down her face, the small sobs crying for forgiveness, crying for help. To end this all.
Call me.
She does not want this, after all.
Call me.
She wanted to believe that she was trying to save her child.
But the only way is there, there.
The noise of the raging winds and the chaotic waves of waters.
She walks deeper and deeper.
Falling into the abyss of her own demise..
"AHN HEEYEON!!!”
She refuses to hear. It’s too late.
“AHN HEEYEON!!!!”
Don’t. Let me. Let me be.
“I AM NOT GOING TO LET YOU DIE!”
There was a sting across her neck.The pain encapsulates her as she struggles for her freedom against Jeremy’s sturdy arms pulling her away from the sea. But he was pulling her freedom away from her.
LET ME END IT!! THIS HAS TO BE THE ONLY WAY!
But only silence was all she could ever convey.
There is no salvation. Not even he can hear her cries. Not even he could ever hear her last goodbye
But he shook her. He shook her body so hard that she could feel her muscle strength drain.
“SO YOU DIE AND THEN WHAT? You think Hyoeun would be happy to know that? You think she’d lead a good life with her mother gone? And then what happens? Does your problem resolves when you are gone? Don’t you think you are the worse by leaving it all to Hyoeun by herself at such a tender age? DON’T BE SELFISH HEEYEON. THINK OF HER. THINK OF YOUR OWN DAUGHTER!”
He shook her to the core. He has a point. But what could she do? What could a broken and ruined woman could to for her own child after all that had happened?
Tell me.
Tell me the sense in existing.
Tell me the sense in living.
“In this entire world, no matter how fucked up it is, there would be at least one person whose your existence means his/her own world. There are things that are beyond your control but there is one thing that is given to us and one which we control. Choice. Free will. If you weren’t able to use it wisely before, why not do it now? Why not choose to hold on and move forward? Stop being a coward, Heeyeon. You must face your fears and mistakes and conquer it. Defeat it and make your child proud. She needs you more than you need her. If you cannot live for yourself then at least live for her. If that is how she means so much to you.”
Little did she know she was letting it all out. The sound of her cries, the sound of her sorrow flowing down in her teardrops. There were so many mistakes she has done, too many that she wan’t too sure if she could redeem herself, especially in front of her own child whom she had wronged the most. Because how do you face again a child whom you had once thought of killing along with you? How do you face her if you are so devastated that you could not even face your own self, your own actions and its own consequences? How can you face life when you’ve been drained and abused by it for so long? Could there be any way? Is there really any way?
It’s too hard to think, it exhaust her so much that all she could ever do was just to cry and nothing else. Cry because it is all she is capable of doing. There were so many questions she could have thrown but she couldn’t. It is as though fate had deliberately let her caged in her own thoughts and never let it out. If she could only say a word....
“That’s it. Cry. Cry all you want.”
And how was it possible that there is this one person who fully understood her despite the void of words? Who knew the right strings to pull and the right words to say? Who can see the light and all its positives even though he himself had faced so much? How can he be still standing right in front of her, eyes staring at me tenderly as though a woman so broken like her is the purest thing he’d ever laid his eyes upon?
Jeremy.. .
If he could only hear her words...
Yet her whimpers were all she could give.
Jeremy...
It was now a void of everything, only of her cries and the image of this man taking care of her like she is a fragile art. He was now standing in front of her, cloaking a warm and soft towel around her drenched body.
Thank you..
Her hands crawled around him, holding him tight as another round of tears came running down her eyes.
Thank you so much, Jeremy..
She held on to him like he is her own lifeline. She held on to him like how she should held on to her dear life. The tears ran down as she realizes all the mistakes she is continually doing, of the choices she had taken that had kept her being broken instead of being fixed. She held onto him like how she should hold on to her one and only child, her Hyoeun, her only source hope and salvation.
“Remember that there will always be at least one person who would stay and be with you regardless of what you are, of who you are. Who would support you unconditionally. Remember, there’s Hyoeun waiting for you..”
He took her face with his gentle hands, caressing her cheeks as he wiped the tears.
“And I. I will always be here for you, Heeyeon-ah.”
His lips kissed her damp hair, and slowly made its way to plant a kiss on her swollen eyes, as though begging it to stop. Then it slowly ran down to touch her nose, going down finally to her lips. She closed her eyes, receiving him, surrendering all of her pains and sorrows and just savoring this moment.
Because for once, she felt clean. Amidst her broken state, she felt like a person. He made her feel like she’s pure. He made her feel alive.
He made her feel the very reason to continue living.
“Don’t try to think about it. Just remember. Feel. Embrace those moments. Dig deep, deep until you see the light, the beauty of your own life. Regardless of what you have done, of what have been done to you, of what happened to you and to the people surrounding you. You cannot take them out. But accept them. Accept that you have done them, but you can always make up for it.
That is why you are here. You have to be stronger. You have to have the will. To live again, to live heading your eyes on the future and not on the past.
You have to have your own will.
Listen.
Feel.
Embrace the life God has given you.
Feel each breath.
Listen to your hear beat.
Close your eyes and dream. Dream not of the past. Dream of your happy memories and its future.
and smile.
Smile for yourself.
Smile because you deserve it.
Smile because you happy days are to come.”
If she could only utter the words she wanted to speak, she’d ask.
“How come you make it sound so easy? How do you do it, Jeremy? How do you live on like it never happened?”
He’d never be able to read her mind, but he easily recognizes even an ounce of anxiety forming at the back of her head.
And when he does so, he’d look at her with such tenderness and then he’d smile, that very soft curve made by his lips.
The fringes of her hair sweeps over her forehead, the sun shines above them as it illuminated the vibrancy of the green grasses, the pastels of flowers that trailed to form an aisle, keeping the small park alive like how it used to be. The creaking sound of steels grazing against each other in synchronization as it held two weights signified the aging of the said park. Everything apart from the two swings were living anew. The swings were left behind, almost dead, until a woman and a child came and force it to work back to life.
The smile painted on her face as she cooed on the little one, who had tenderly spoke with her innocent voice, was subtle, and finite. Such simple words tickled her mother heart, and yet, as her child sang in her repetitive phrase, her smile dissolved as easy as it came. Her words, Ahn Heeyeon knew they were innocent, and yet it taunted her - the small pitched voice seemed to be waiting for another word to be taught and spoken - like how those of the other children. And yet the only words she could let her utter was 'mother'.
It broke her heart, so much that she could not give her child that one thing that she lacked for the most of her life - a whole family.
Every second stood still. Time ticks away without even meaning. As stagnant as every aspect in her life. They said she survived for a cause. That with every trials she encountered, God knows she'll surpass them. Gracefully. And that she should help herself.
But her body wouldn't conspire to the world. It keeps retaliating.
Pieces of paper folded into paper cranes, standing side by side on the window pane.
Square notes of different colors stretched on the wooden study table, with a mug filled with pens, mostly half emptied with everyday use.
The telephone rings, once, twice, thrice. Its sound screeching on the woman's ears. She took a glance, but merely gave any thought about it.
And the noise continuously rang, that it had almost become faint in her perception. It slowly faded like how light fades to night. And she lays still, legs dangled at the edge of the bed, the rest of her body melted on the soft cushions of blanket. Her arms raised in the air whilst her hands fondled a small photograph of a young girl.
Crystals slowly escaped from the corner of her lids, slowly, and then all at once. Escaping furiously to let out every emotion curled up to her core. Yet it never helped. The thoughts stayed imprisoned, tongue tied securely, as though she is never meant to meet the world again. Was it to protect herself? How can she ask?
She could not afford anything but a soundless cry.
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