Despite the fact that they’re together now, Dean keeps holding back the urge to touch Cas. The last thing he wants is to scare Cas away by acting too needy, or by demanding more than Cas is willing to give.
Dean lets Cas initiate most touches, and even during sex he reigns himself in, holding tightly onto his self-control. He doesn’t think Cas has noticed, until he approaches Dean one morning and tells him,
“Am I doing something wrong?”
And even then, Dean can’t fathom how Cas would jump to that conclusion. Obviously Cas is perfect, everything Dean could ask for and is still afraid to want.
But then Cas explains further, “I can feel you longing for me, even when we’re together.”
It’s embarrassing. All that effort to hold himself back and Dean’s emotions betrayed him anyway without him even realizing. He’s so fucking needy, not even having Cas in his bed is enough for him.
He can’t offer an excuse. Cas waits patiently for him to answer, as awkward silence settles between them, and Dean feels like he’s choking on it.
“I just…” he can’t say it, except what’s the point of keeping it secret? Cas already knows he’s fucked up, only he’s blaming himself for it, and Dean needs to man up and let him know that he’s enough, it’s just Dean who wants too much.
The words won’t come. Cas takes pity on him, stepping closer and cupping Dean’s face gently between his hands, pulling him in for a kiss. Dean stiffens, tries not to let himself get drawn into it, but it’s already been established that he can’t hide no matter how hard he tries.
He melts into it. Wraps his arms around Cas’ waist and pulls him closer, their entire bodies pressed together, and it’s warmth and comfort and it’s fucking perfect.
Cas breaks the kiss, pulls away just enough to allow Dean to catch his breath. He strokes Dean’s cheek softly with the pad of his thumb, presses another kiss against the corner of Dean’s mouth.
“Please don’t hold back anymore,” he tells Dean. “Please don’t… I want everything you’re willing to give. I want to be close to you.”
It’s like something comes undone in Dean’s chest. He nods, once, melting further into Cas’ touch. He feels utterly vulnerable, raw and on display, but it’s okay. Cas wants him. All of him.
