I hold color within me
The most furious reds
And blues which know sorrow
Purples where they touch
And yellows where they don’t
And all around me, deep, deep greens
So full, the forest would be jealous
It spills through my veins
Bubbles at my skin
Begs at release which I cannot afford
A wholeness which I cannot display
I live in immaculate color
And I hold it all within me
I paint myself in grayscale for a world which will not love me
So that I may not be seen
Gray
Gray
Gray
I box my words into four walls of gray
I build four limbs of a figure in gray
I say, this is me
Hello, I am gray
I am a safe thing
I am a safe thing, but do not look at me too hard
You will see the red that boils when you take
Words meant for me and use them as your own
Redefine needs that I cannot have
Pieces of my identity, and make them your aesthetic
Your trend
Pale
Barely even gray
You will see the blue when I cannot carry any more of this facade
Of dragging myself to the halfway point, giving ear to the ignorance of my own body
As you shout at me mere steps from where you started
Insist that I must be something else
I may not even touch this color within me
I must become colorless
I cannot
I cannot
I cannot
Even as I hold it in, bury myself beneath so many layers of gray
I am starving
Bursting
I’m so full of red that I fear it’ll pour from my mouth
Break through my fists
Cover everything I touch
And so much blue, I may become the ocean
Vast and dark
That I’ll wash away when no one is looking
I am so very tired of repainting myself
Carefully
For what?
So that I might have the illusion of safety?
Regurgitating color
Swallowing it back from my tongue as my body boils
I am so very tired of gray
I hold color within me
Beautiful, beautiful color
Within a world of gray
E. Clair















