he knew his retainer’s logic was true. he knew that, in hindsight, he had let his emotions blind him, for once, and allowed rationality to slip from his grasp. it was a slip-up that was rarely seen in the crown prince, who aspired to keep his emotions in check, to let his sisters be the hearts of the army, while he led through logic and rational thought. to keep his heart locked away, so that should he lose another man, whether a soldier in the field or a retainer at his side, he would not be crippled as he had been, once. it was easier that way.
for one thing, it kept conversations like these from happening.
laslow was right. it was a retainer’s duty to protect their liege, to serve them — to be their right and left hands in the field, an extension of their will. father viewed retainers as replaceable ( that much had been evident after the loss of marx’s first pair, and how quickly he had shoved laslow upon him ), and they were intended to be that way. a weapon to be wielded, a shield to catch a blow. laslow and pieri knew their roles.
it was foolish of marx to feel otherwise. and, in his mind, he knew that.
but when the axe had fallen, with laslow between himself and the death, marx hadn’t felt relief. no, his heart had seemed to halt in his chest, frozen as the mountain peaks, and for a moment, it wasn’t laslow standing there, but the retainers he had lost before. he had been deeply, intensely afraid that laslow’s life would join the burden on his shoulders.
gods, he did not want to bury another friend, and for a moment, that was all he could think. but the sentiment was one that he could not afford, and he shook it off as soon as he could, ignored its presence in the pit of his heart.
“ you are right. your actions were justifiable, and it was senseless of me to argue. but whether they had cause or not, you were reckless. you came alarmingly close to defying the order which i hold most critical of all, laslow. ”
( it is not your company i require. only that you continue to draw breath. )