Merch that I want if a The Painter movie actually gets made during Hollywoodâs adapting internet horror and memes into films, trend chasing phase and becomes a huge success.
Cute, stylized dolls of Mona and Bill reminiscent of 80âs dolls like Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake, including blood splattered variants (Walmart exclusives). The boxes they come in need to be aesthetically pleasing and filled with little easter eggs too.
Cereal that is a homage to the General Mills monster cereals with Mona and Bill in a 70âs cereal mascot art style on the box, the flavor is cherry and chocolate with marshmallows shaped like knives, teeth, syringes etc. and it turns milk a bloody red.
A The Painter water color activity book, literally a coloring book with illustrations based on scenes from both the movie and the original series (and some original illustrations thrown in too) that comes with a set of paints and paintbrush for peak monamaxxing.
An actual ass VHS tape that can be played in a VCR with all ten episodes of the analog horror cut together into a full length marathon with ânew scenesâ like a directorâs cut kind of thing.
NECA Ultimate styled figures of Mona and Bill with interchangeable heads/hands and a load of accessories unique to them, Iâm not much of figurine collector but I WILL buy these and fucking play with them like a little girl and her dollies.
Popcorn bucket shaped like Billâs head and a drinking cup shaped like a barrel with molded blood and eyeballs dripping from the top that is a reference to The Collins.
Halloween costumes of Mona, Bill and the Red Man but they are designed specifically to invoke those cheap ass, 70âs licensed costumes consisting of a mask and t-shirt themed around the character/property.
A gimmicky album reminiscent of Freddyâs Greatest Hits or Elviraâs Monster Hits composed of both original songs and licensed songs themed around the movie and characters, including an obligatory rap song where Mona raps and itâs way catchier than it has any right to be.
A Mona Lanius Bishoujo statue by Kotobukiya, but they need to keep some of her key features after kawaiifying her, like her receding hairline, cleft lip and bags under her eyes. I also wouldnât say no to a genderbent Bill one.
Obligatory tie-in meal collab with Popeyeâs consisting of a chicken sandwich smothered in spicy âPainter Sauceâ, a cookies and cream Mona Milkshake, curly fries with limited edition Big Pussy Boom dipping sauce and Billâs cheddar and bacon biscuits. The whole thing comes with a collectible tin shaped like a VHS tape filled with pins, stickers, trading cards of the paintings, one of six keychains etc.
On that note, just fucking go full on PokĂ©mon in the 90âs levels of shameless branding and collaborate with every brand under the sun, gimme The Painter oreos and fanta, The Painter x Gucci, a The Painter menu at IHOP, Mona Lanius inspired perfume and cosmetics, go nuts with it.
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