The growth process cannot be willed, we can only cultivate the soil of our souls with grace, truth, and time.
Spiritual and emotional growth takes time. And often a transformation happens over time without the person knowing quite how it happened.
Stan came into therapy seeking help for his uncontrollable outbursts of rage. He had tried for years to get his anger under control. He repented often, prayed even more, and studied biblical passages on anger. But Stan was focusing on the symptom of his problem. Only after he changed his focus and did some “digging around” to find the causes of his anger did things began to change.
To explore the underlying causes of his anger, Stan joined a therapy group. He found that the other group members were happy to accept him; they had all struggled with similar problems. Their acceptance slowly enabled him to face the truth about himself: he had some very lonely places inside, places that felt bad and unloved.
Because he felt so unloved, Stan tried to get people to love him by doing things for them. He felt that he had to do anything a family member, a friend, or even a stranger asked him to do. Soon he resented saying yes all the time. He felt powerless to say no. As he felt loved and accepted by others, Stan began to feel strong enough to say no.
As his sense of power increased, he felt less resentment. He began to relax more.
One day Stan came into group with a big grin on his face. “My wife came at me today with all of these things to do,” he said, “and something strange happened. I laughed at how big her list was. I didn’t get mad at all. Pretty soon she was laughing with me. I don’t know how that happened, but it did.”
Stan grew because he experienced grace and truth working over time. The grace of the group members provided a safe place for him to look at himself truthfully. As a result, he was as surprised as a farmer sometimes is on that spring day when the first blossom appears. It seems to appear out of nowhere.
This is how fruit grows—over time with the proper ingredients, and much of the process is out of our control. When Stan said he did not know how it happened, I was reminded of Jesus’ description of the kingdom of God:
“A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts up and grows, though he does not know how. All by itself the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head.” (Mark 4:26—29, italics mine)
This passage illustrates an important truth about the growth process. It cannot be willed. It can only be enhanced by adding grace, truth, and time, and then God produces the growth. If we are depressed, for example, it does no good to try to be “undepressed.” It does help, however, to cultivate the soil of our soul with the nutrients of grace, truth, and time. Only then will we gradually be transformed to greater and greater stages of joy.
- Henry Cloud “Changes that Heal”
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