Hot for Harrison

Mel. XXXIX. NYE baby 🎂🥳. She/her. Houstonian. INFP. Polyamorous 💞

[hotforharrison]

URL change! hazmyheart --> hotforharrison 

Masterlist (18+)

New Series:

H💖 Masterlist (1,895 words) Incomplete

You meet Harrison unexpectedly at a crafting meetup at a BDSM dungeon – flirty, gorgeous, British Harrison. By his looks and accent alone, you could honestly see yourself having a thing for him. Life is never that simple, though.

Tags:  Fic Recs +  Harrison Icons

Fic Recs Side Blog (mostly NSFW)

Harrison Side Blogs: Thirst + Haz Face + Glasses + Rings

Tom Side Blogs: Thirst

[hotforharrison]

So, I’ve moved. I actually left Houston 17 days ago this morning.

I told J that I wanted our goodbye before I moved 1000 miles away to be special, to be magical.

He divided our goodbye into the two Thursdays before I moved.

He took me to see the koi in a koi pond in The Woodlands on October 2, where he’d taken me months prior for the most magical day we shared when I thought he wanted to be in a relationship with me.

That was very special to return to that place where I felt the most in love I had after my divorce, where I learned that my heart wasn’t too damaged to love again.

He took me back to the Downtown Aquarium in Houston on October 9. 

The last time, in late 2024, we just went to the stingrays to touch them because the tickets to see the actual aquarium were very expensive. 

Since then, he got a new job making almost 50% more per hour than he did before, where he no longer has to DoorDash to make ends meet.

After we finished visiting the aquarium, he took me to the fancy seafood restaurant that was attached to the aquarium. We watched sharks swimming in a tank that made up a wall in the restaurant while I had the most delicious shrimp platter I’ve ever had.

I also got a shark souvenir cup that now watches over me in my kitchen.

I’m still wearing the entry wristband for the aquarium, over 2 weeks later. I’m not ready to take it off yet, to acknowledge I’m never seeing him again, that I left the last 13 years of my life behind in Houston – both good and bad.

He was the only thing that made me happy at the end, the only thing that I looked forward to.

When he left on the night of October 9, he played ‘End of the Road’ by Boyz II Men while we were lying in bed together cuddling, while I was crying an endless stream of tears that didn't dry up until long after he left to go to work.

It made me wonder what he meant by that particular song, if he’d actually had feelings for me that just hadn’t culminated in a relationship.

When I said goodbye to Houston for the final time on October 10, my parents arrived 2 hours earlier than they originally planned – at 6am.

My ex-husband wasn’t awake since I’d told him 8am, and while I did call him to let him know my parents were there and that we were loading the cargo trailer, he didn’t arrive at the house before my parents and I headed out.

I honestly think it might have been easier that way, that I didn’t have what would have been a very difficult goodbye, to say a final farewell to the man I loved for 17 years and was married to for 13.

Seeing him wearing his new wedding band after he hadn’t worn one for me for the 13 years we were married cut me deeper than I’d ever tell him.

J showed up the morning I left to see me off before I headed out, to hug me tight for long moments for the last time and meet my mom briefly.

I didn’t cry while we drove away, while I watched Houston and my entire life disappear into the distance through the rear view mirror.

I've cried since then, though, mostly alone in my trailer away from my family with my cats who came with me.

Moving up to Indiana has been… a lot.

Leaving behind the 16 months of social isolation I went through Houston has been a breath of fresh air, something I desperately needed.

Leaving behind a house full of the ghosts of my marriage and my ex-husband was something I needed more than I realized.

However, leaving J and one of my cats behind has been much harder than I thought it would be.

My ex-husband has been keeping me updated on Little Kitty, and he’s gotten to experience first hand how old and… tired she’s become over the last 16 months that I cared for her after he moved out. She’s 14 now. The average indoor cat lives to be 13 to 17. I know he’ll realize before too long that it might be time to say goodbye. It will be heartbreaking even from so far away.

I’ve been chatting with J some online, but he’s busy with work, and sometimes I’m not quite sure what to say. Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll tell him that I love him and that leaving him behind was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. 

I had that little flicker of hope that maybe someday he’d change his mind about me, that we’d be in love and happy together. That’s been extinguished with my move to start over again 1000 miles away, and my heart aches for the loss of it.

I’ve been plagued by dreams of my ex-husband and J, of so many “what if” scenarios that make me wake up in tears.

I’m actually up right now at 3:30am because I had yet another dream about the happiness of 15 years ago when I was a newlywed. Life felt so bright and hopeful. I wasn’t defeated and broken, barely dragging myself forward, bloody and bruised and uncertain if it will ever actually get better, and I won’t be teetering on the brink of never wanting to wake up again and actually acting on that.

I had hoped to get into the counseling I desperately need soon after I moved up here, but my insurance situation is more complicated than I originally anticipated after talking to the insurance company before I moved. The lady who I talked to in September had been wrong in what she told me, and now I’m not allowed to have anything happen to me until January when my new coverage will begin.

Other than that, I’m still unpacking and trying to get my 248 sq ft sorted out. It’s so little space that trying to sort it out makes the entire trailer a mess. I’m working on getting my wardrobe sorted out right now. I needed to get some more hangers and grippy shelf liner to put into the cubbies so they aren’t so slick, and clothes folded in them won’t slide around. I have both of those things now, so it’s just a matter of finishing it up and starting on the next project.

I have ADHD, and I haven’t been able to get my medication due to a shortage, so it’s been a struggle of a dozen half completed tasks and bigger mess than there needs to be. The chaos makes me feel so much worse, and resolving it is very difficult.

So, yeah. That's life right now.

[hotforharrison]

I've been seriously neglecting the Harrison content the last few weeks, for the first time since I started this blog in 2019.

Life for the last month has pretty much been: sorting through the house and picking out what moves with me and what ends up trashed or donated, tearing down and cleaning up aquariums and trying to find homes for my fish I can't take with me when I move, taking care of everything I need to for tying up loose ends in Houston (more things than I originally anticipated), trying to cope with what would have been my 15th wedding anniversary and my ex-husband's remarriage a few days later and everything related to that, and starting to say my goodbyes down here.

I move in less than 10 days, and I still have so much to do.

[mndvx]

[mndvx]

[elparaisodetlaloc]

[mndvx]

[hotforharrison]

[hotforharrison]

I moved to Texas 15 years ago in October 2010 shortly after I got married, and after living in two apartments between 2010-2013, I've lived in this specific house that was my co-owned marital home for 12 years.

(My ex-husband got the house in the divorce, but our agreement was that I could live here until we were even to establish my post-divorce life in Houston. We separated in April 2024. However, my doctor and psychiatrist were both very concerned for my mental health and having no support system down here. I was really struggling, and I kind of...broke after I found out my ex-husband is remarrying 3 days after what would have been our 15th wedding anniversary.)

I'm saying goodbye to Houston on October 10 to move into a travel trailer that my dad is setting up on my parents' property, so I've started packing. I have less than 5 weeks now.

The travel trailer is 248 sq ft, and I'm moving into it from a house that is 1500+ sq ft. My parents are willing to store a few totes of my sentimental things from my childhood onward that have no practical use, which I am very grateful for, but 248 sq ft isn't a ton of space, even minus those totes.

I didn't expect how difficult it would be to decide what to keep. So many things have associated memories that make me not want to let them go because I'm afraid that I'll forget the past that shaped me into the woman I am today.

Someone suggested that I take photos of things that aren't practical and keep those files safely stored with backups, but there's something different about holding those things in my hands that makes the memories stronger.

I do think I'll end up having to do that for at least some of the things I own, but deciding which memories are the most important to preserve vividly is the hardest part.

[joshuaballsett]

[mndvx]

[elparaisodetlaloc]

[mndvx]

[mndvx]

[mndvx]

invasivespeciesplay @hazosterfield is The Director, Doug, Eduardo, and The Acting Bug 🦟 in 🐞Invasive Species🐞

[hotforharrison]

I've kind of been in divorce purgatory for the last year, and I'm exiting that and Houston in October after I finish taking care of my ex-husband's and what will be his new wife's pets while they're out of state getting married.

Being in what used to be my martial home that now belongs solely to my ex-husband has left me an open wound. I'm haunted by the memories held within these walls, and rooms and places in the house will never stop being my ex-husband's, like his closet and his office.

I very much feel like the lyrics in my tears ricochet -- "I can go anywhere I want -- anywhere I want, just not home."

I have exactly two people in my life locally who I ever see.

I see my ex-husband maybe twice a month briefly, while he says hi to his/our cat I care for or grabs something he needs that he's left in his house.

I see my unhealthy boundaries friend who I was in love with, J, a few times a month at most for a few hours. We usually just cook a meal together and hang out for a little bit before he leaves.

I don't have a support system down here. Both my regular doctor and psychiatrist are very concerned about my lack of a support system and human contact.

My dad has wanted me to come back up to them in Indiana so I can be with family again since the divorce, but moving back in with them wasn't an option because I couldn't bear the thought of giving up my cats. One of them literally prevented me from taking my own life during Hurricane Beryl by shoving a bottle of pills on the floor from the bed and letting me soak him with tears until he was practically dripping and I couldn't feel my face.

My dad offered earlier this week to get a travel trailer to put on their property for me to live in -- a place to make into my own tiny home with my two cats.

I was slowly dying inside here, so I accepted his offer gratefully.

He found a 2024 travel trailer with some minor damage he can fix and talked them down to $12,500. It would have been over $40,000 new.

It's now parked where it's going to be as my new home, a home that will be mine -- a fresh start, a blank canvas, the first page of a new chapter.

Saying goodbye to Houston is so fucking hard, though, after living in the city for over 13 years and this house for 12.

I have an entire 1500 sq ft house to sort through over the next several weeks of my possessions, and the vast majority of it will be donated or discarded, depending on what it is.

I have to really think about what's important to me and what will serve me going forward.

I have a tiny ~240 sq ft home with minimal storage and my parents are only bringing a pickup truck and 4x6 cargo trailer for everything I take back with me.

It will likely be the last time I ever see my ex-husband. We were together for 17 years, since I was barely done with college, married for 13 years before we separated. I mean we don't see each other often now or for very long, but it's the finality that's difficult.

He'll be in Houston, and I'll be in Indiana, a thousand miles apart.

Another hard thing is that his/our cat I care for is 14 years old and hasn't been doing well for a while. When he left after being her person for over 11 years, the only person she loved, her heart broke and she hasn't been the same since.

After he moved out, one of my cats started violently attacking her as well, so she lives in her own room for her safety. I spend time with her everyday, but it's still not great being confined to a single room most of the time.

My ex-husband can't take her because his soon to be wife has a cat who isn't friendly to other cats and is much bigger and very mean.

I asked him what would happen to his/our cat when I left because I can't take her with me living in a tiny home with a cat that violently attacks her, and he can't take her because his soon to be wife's cat would attack her, and she would just be all alone in this house.

He told me that she's obviously been suffering for months, but he hasn't had it in him to tell me that maybe it's time to say goodbye, with how my mental health has deteriorated more and more since the divorce.

I can't disagree with him honestly. She's objectively been suffering for over a year now, and it's just gotten progressively worse as time has passed, but it's still so damn hard.

She's been in my life since April 2013. I was her spare human who she bit fairly often until June 2024 when I became her pretty much only human, since my ex-husband visits so briefly and infrequently.

He talked about taking her to the vet to say goodbye in a few weeks, but I want to be selfish and ask him to wait until after I've moved so I can pretend she's just there with him living happily again instead of over the rainbow bridge.

I did ask him for a memorial wooden paw print from the vet, like the ones I have for my three other cats who have passed over the years, for him to mail it to me with a few of her whiskers since they take some time to make, and he told me he would definitely do that.

I don't know if I'll display the memorial paw prints or not in my tiny home, with as little space as there is and the sadness they evoke when I see them. I will always keep them and cherish them, but I've been drowning in sadness for the last couple of years.

[hotforharrison]

My ex-husband is getting married next month the same week that would have been our 15th wedding anniversary and the 1 year anniversary of the divorce being finalized.

It's undone some of the stitches that I painstakingly put into the wound the end of our marriage left behind last year and reopened part of it. Talking to him online about necessary things, like things related to me living in what used to be our marital home that he owns now, is very hard. The thought of hearing his voice or seeing him in person again makes tears come into my eyes and makes it hard to breathe.

Since my ex-husband moved out last June, I've had an unintentional situationship that lasted several months and a single first date that didn't pan out. I chatted at length with a guy recently who seemed promising. It was obvious he'd read my bio because he brought things up from it, but he apparently didn't read the part that I'm only seeking a life partner. He wasn't looking for anything serious, which was very disappointing. I want so badly to find love again, find a life partner.

My back injury at the end of July is preventing me from finishing the college program I've been doing for the last 11.5 months. I have to fail the externship class because I'm unable to finish the externship hours before the deadline with the restrictions my doctor put in place due to the injury.

I've never failed a class before in my life. I got all As and one 89% B when an A would have been 90% in my classes over the last 11.5 months. I'm still finishing the last 2 classes I've been concurrently doing with the externship because I am able to do those.

I don't know if I'll be able to finish the program. I can retake the externship class in November (assuming my back has healed), but the cost isn't something I could cover. Financial aid won't apply in this situation. A vocational program paid my tuition up to this point, but I don't know if they'll cover me retaking a class that I failed, even with medical documentation from the hospital, urgent care, and my doctor that I'm physically unable to complete the externship before the deadline.

Life is really hard right now. I'm trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason and that when one door closes, another one opens, that maybe an unexpected and better opportunity will come into my life because of these difficult things I'm going through.