As an avid user of social media, Iâve started seeing an uprising in discourse on whether or not nonbinary individuals can identify as gay (as in attracted to men) or lesbian. As someone who has identified as lesbian for the past four years and only recently settled upon my gender identity being agender, Iâve taken time to look at this discourse and arguments made on both sides. This, of course, is my own informed opinion based off my own experiences and evidence Iâve seen other nonbinary people give.
To start off, I mostly see this argument made around the lesbian identity specifically, with gay being mentioned every now and again, but rarely as if itâs a second thought. This discourse also can come along with the whole he/him and they/them lesbian discourse as well. Seeing as this is the case, I will mostly be referring  arguments based around the lesbian identity, but know this includes the gay (attracted to men) identity.
First, the argument that nonbinary individuals should be using trixic (nblw) or toric (nblm) instead. Let me start with the precedent that it is completely valid to use these terms if you find that it encompasses your experiences. These terms seemed to have been made to liberate nonbinary individuals from the binary terms, but they are relatively new terms. For years, nonbinary individuals havenât had these sexuality terms to use or explore to see if they are comfortable with them. And even after these terms were coined, many individuals donât find that they encompass their experiences as a nonbinary individual. And for years, Iâve heard from several parts of the community saying that all sexualities can include nonbinary (and personally, that is up to the individual person to decide if they are attracted to nonbinary individuals or not).
The next argument Iâve seen if that lesbian and gay are binary terms, and that nonbinary people canât use binary terms, full stop. This is a harmful idea that can shame us out of using terms that we are comfortable with. Each person who falls under the nonbinary umbrella has experienced their journey to discovering their gender differently. This means everyone has different words they are comfortable with. This includes pronouns (and remember, pronouns do not always equal gender).
The best way I can convey this is by using myself as an example. I am agender, which personally means that I donât really identify with any gender. However, I use prefer and use she/her and they/them pronouns, but I donât care if he/him is used. I am very comfortable with certain binary terms, and uncomfortable with others. I do not refer to myself as a woman, girl, man, or boy (unless I am not out to the person Iâm speaking to). I do use terms like girlfriend, wife, mother (and father as a joke), king, queen, priestess, and a few others, while I donât use boyfriend or husband. I donât use miss, mrs, or mr. I kinda use mx, but I prefer captain to be completely honest.
By saying nonbinary people can not use binary or gendered terms is a gross misunderstanding of what nonbinary is and can be from person to person based upon their own experiences. We were all raised differently, we all have unique relationships with our gender.
Next, I see people using the dictionary definitions to bar us from using these terms (Iâve mostly seen lesbian used in this case). And, Iâm being serious when I say that I see a lot of TERF rhetoric being used during this argument. Yes, the definition is a âhomosexual womanâ. From this you would say lesbians are women that are only attracted to women, and since nonbinary people are not women, they are disqualified from being able to identify as lesbians. But, nonbinary isnât a third gender in between or in complete opposition of man and woman. Itâs a linguistic term that describes a large amount of queer identities that donât fall into the traditional binary our society has set out. There is genderqueer, gender, demigirl, demiboy, binder, genderfluid, and the list goes on.
So, now that you know nonbinary is a complicated category of gender experiences, what are âlesbiansâ and why can nonbinary individuals use it? Lesbian is an identity that is a subversion to what society sees as to what womanhood is. It goes against the idea that a womanâs life must revolve around a man, therefore it goes against and subverts our traditional idea about what it means to be a woman. Within the lesbian community, we see a wide range of gender non-conforming and people rewriting what womanhood is. And many nonbinary people have a strong connection or experiences with womanhood depending on if they were born afab or if they are more femme presenting.
The TERF rhetoric I see comes along with the hate many lesbians who use pronouns outside of she/her get. Iâve seen this called Vixenamoric. It is used by people who believe in some sort of purity surrounding the woman and lesbian identity. TERFs say trans women are invading women and lesbian spaces, and then Vixenamoric say nonbinary lesbians are invading women and lesbian spaces. TERFs believe in this purity of women, and Vixenamoric people say they include binary trans women, but exclude nonbinary lesbians because they believe in this purity of lesbianism. In both instances, they are simply transphobic and should be ignored for their âpick meâ attitudes.
Finally, more transphobia I see is the double standard people have with cis lesbians dating nonbinary lesbians compared to nonbinary people identifying as lesbians. My girlfriend herself has experienced this double standard, and this whole argument invalidates her identity as a lesbian and other lesbians who date nonbinary individuals. She has received comments like âOh, youâre dating a nonbinary person? Thatâs so cuteâ but then they smack my identity as a nonbinary lesbian as ânot making senseâ, âimpossibleâ, and invalid. She said it herself, Itâs blatant transphobia.
In summary, nonbinary lesbians and gays are completely valid identities because the individual themselves believes the linguistic terms describe their experiences. We need to stop pushing this purity culture and âpick meâ attitude in our community. We need to stop policing otherâs identities. Invalidating others isnât going to make the LGBTQIA+ community any better. Itâs going to make it worse and cause large divides. And itâs certainly not going to make you a better person. Itâs all of us against the cis-heteronormative and allosexual world and we need to come together and learn about each individuals experiences and how complex sexuality and gender identity is. There is no one right way to do things.
If you still donât understand, do some personal research and find nonbinary individuals expressing their experiences. But, if you refuse to accept nonbinary lesbians and gays despite everything that has been presented to you, get yo transphobic ass out of here.Â
