Howlings

Poetry, photography, music, and other musings crafted amidst a life of chronic illness.

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I haven’t posted in years, and this one is dedicated to all the Disabled people I’ve heard from over the years, who along with my experience, have shown me just how messed up everything is about how we treat each other in this world. As the pandemic has progressed and healthcare has become even less accesible than before, I’ve largely receded into myself. It’s been really hard, seeing people I’ve cared about—and even loved so dearly—act in ways that show they care not for people who are Disabled. That would be enough, but there’s also progressive, serious illness that is a torture to live with. I’ve become this amalgam of trauma, which has me drifting through a haze, unable to realize my hopes, dreams, or even to just live a day as my true self. I’ve written many poems, songs, and mini-essays as a way of expressing and coping, but even those essential tools are getting away from me. I’d like to say that I have support in all of this socially, but I don’t, minus the various interactions online with people who are dealing with the same types of things. And in a world full of ableism, isolation and pain is to be expected. It’s hard to kind to yourself when the weight of so many things—things I can’t even begin to fully encapsulate here—are making you feel like you have no worth. But I’ll give myself this: I know that within me lies a great worth that isn’t valued. I know that I can create wonderful things, and have been a great help to the people I’ve been there for. Despite everything else inside of me that has developed as a result of pain, I know that I’m not a bad person. I just hope that I can find a way to be valued by others, because valuing ourselves alone isn’t enough. Isolation is not sustainable. I’m really hurting and hope I can keep going. It’s not even that I have hope for a better future most days, just that I exist to spite everything that says I shouldn’t. All my love to those who are struggling, and who truly care for the lives of the most vulnerable among us. And a special thanks to anyone who sees this long post as worthy of a read. —————— #chronicillness #disability #disabledart #disabledandhere #photography #pnw #landscape (at Sublimity, Oregon) https://www.instagram.com/p/Ceuk1dxLOzJ/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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|Excerpt from a recent poem of mine|... An obscure current carrying with it distant blossoms uncovers the amalgam nurturing it under the lamplight of the new moon and the eager flight of dying stars [Photo ID: an up close photo of a bumble bee on a fuzzy light green plant with flower petals showcasing hues of pinks, purples, oranges, and reds. The background is coated in a warm orange glow of the summer sun.] #bee #nature #flowers #photography #shotoniphone #pnw #pnwphotographer #pnwonderland #oregon #summer #🐝 #outdoorphotography #poetrycommunity #poetsofinstagram #poetry #writersofinstagram https://www.instagram.com/p/CFoANddl8Em/?igshid=1b9s9btibsgyv

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—————— Here the sun announces the next departure With warming, elated goodbyes A ritual of jubilant theatrics Was the opening for stars that had yet To dance above midnight skies —————— #ladybug #spring #summer #summervibes #photography #photoshoot #poetry #poetryofinstagram #poetrylovers #outdoors #flowerphotography #flowers #sunshine #critters #pnw #pnwonderland #pnwlife #oregon #pnwphotographer #🐞 #🌸 #🌺 #🌼 #farmlife #chronicillness #lyme #lymedisease #chronicpain #photographylovers #enlightphotofox (at Sublimity, Oregon) https://www.instagram.com/p/CCfJ1Xnl3Eb/?igshid=9zbw8b2s9jnd

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Hopefully I’ll get a more steady stream of content on here soon enough. Battling my chronic health issues has been taking up most of my time and energy. I have lots of poetry (and other bits of creativity) that I’ll be wanting to share. While I don’t have any followers now, maybe that’ll change some day!

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Dear Fellow White People,

Here’s some things we can do to be better allies:

- EDUCATE ourselves (don’t ask BIPOC to do the educating for you) about racism and its many forms.

- RECOGNIZE our white privilege and our own racism. We must see that within ourselves to be able to change.

- ACTIVELY LISTEN to people speaking out, especially to BIPOC advocates and organizations who are telling us how things need to change.

- BOOST voices of BIPOC online. Do not speak for them. Saturate people’s social feeds.

- DONATE money to organizations fighting racism, and those who are helping to bail out protesters right now providing safety nets. You can also look up organizations online who are supporting the cause.

- JOIN PROTESTS and put pressure on leadership. Make them listen. Look online for locally planned protests. Bring PPE and maintain COVID-19 guidelines where possible.

- ENGAGE OTHERS such as friends and family on these subjects. Send them resources that have been helpful to you.

- CALL OUT racism in every instance you see it, such as the businesses you frequent, online forums, etcetera. Where feasible, boycott businesses that are supporting racism.

- CONTACT your political representatives, police, etcetera. Let them know where you stand and demand change. Use resources like @Resistbot and online templates if you are having trouble figuring out what to say and who to say it to.

- PROCLAIM loudly your support and solidarity online, change your bios, your profile pictures. These are very small actions that can show solidarity.

- VOLUNTEER for organizations that are fighting for change. Check in with local organizations to see what kind of help they need.

- SUSTAIN all the above. It’s essential that we don’t change our actions until change is made. This doesn’t end when a select few police officers are charged and imprisoned.

Not all of this is accessible, especially during a pandemic. Some of us don’t have the financial resources to donate, some of us can’t protest because of our health. But we have a responsibility to do what we can, even in small ways. Remember that this is a systemic, systematic problem and the fight doesn’t end until we fundamentally change our country and the world at large. White people, let’s do the work.

#BlackLivesMatter

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Music has always been one of my mainstays for processing my emotions and expressing them. I decided to experiment with a new recording app recently and this is what I came up with. I’m definitely inexperienced when it comes to mixing/mastering, but had a fun time.

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Experimenting with a different presentation of my poetry and photography by animating a photo and throwing in some voice-over. What do you think? ————— Each one has a sacred note that resounds within A reverberation unto the cosmos that folds the billions of miles between stars into a constellation you could carry in the palm of your hand ————— #photography #poetry #spokenword #spokenwordpoetry #spokenwordpoet #animatedphoto #soothing #voiceover #voice #ruralphotography #pnw #pnwonderland #pnwphotographer #pnwcollective #starrynight #starrysky #voiceactor #voiceovertalent #videoedits #artisticphotography #experimentalphotography #😮 #✨ #🏞 #poetsofinstagram #writersofinstagram (at Sublimity, Oregon) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-0xjyHFYrm/?igshid=17g71qim7ghyw

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—————— Many have failed to notice that these beings would retool fearsome claws Lovingly tilling the soil for all that would come after —————— #sunset #photography #shotoniphone #flowers #spring #springiscoming #outdoors #outdoorphotography #poetry #poetrycommunity #poetsofinstagram #writing #writersofinstagram #photographylovers #chronicillness #chronicpain #pnw #pnwonderland #pnwphotographer #pnwcollective (at Sublimity, Oregon) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-GYsw1lTkD/?igshid=1jawvj0co0f6n

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Please take the Coronavirus seriously, it’s not just about you; there are high risk people (not just old folks) who are depending on your social distancing, on your compassion and care for your fellow human beings. Don’t travel, stop going to parties. Pressure employers to provide paid sick leave/paid time off. Practice proper hygiene. Something that I hope everyone learns from this is that when you’re having to cancel plans, aren’t able to see your friends, etcetera: this is something that Disabled and chronically ill folks face every day. Every barrier you face while trying to live your life during this pandemic, wondering why there aren’t systems in place to support people during a crisis so you can have access to things you need, may this be a wake-up call for you. May it show you that accessibility problems are real, everywhere, every day, and we continue to ignore them just as we continue to walk and drive by homeless folks on the street and pretend they aren’t there. When schools can’t fully close because there are homeless and/or who rely on school systems for child care, meals, etc., realize that these things are problems we can fix, if we prioritize them. When we bail out corporations instead of investing in the public good, we fail each other. I’m afraid for world and am looking at the path humanity is on, and I’m running out of reasons to think people are going to wake up and demand change before it’s too late. I’m struggling, fighting my battles with my physical and mental health, barely hanging on, just surviving for the sake of it. I haven’t felt like there’s light at the end of the tunnel, and this situation is making everything seem worse. I really hope you’ll prove me wrong. So wake up, make a statement. Your voice matters in this, and in all things. Even more importantly, your actions matter. Even the smallest of gestures matter. Show the world why we should get to continue to exist here. We’re all counting on you to show up. #corona #covid_19 #photography #sunset #compositephotography #starrynight #stars #pnw #pnwonderland #disabilityawareness #lymedisease #nature #naturephotography #pnwphotographer #pnwcollective #humanrights (at Sublimity, Oregon) https://www.instagram.com/p/B90fyj4lYJW/?igshid=n7sf506jlinc