how may we hate you?

entirely true stories from two hotel concierges in times square. email

[howmaywehateyoublog]

Are you a concierge in the Cleveland area?

Would you want to anonymously dish on RNC shenanigans? Total anonymity guaranteed. Send us a message or email us at hoteljobtumblr [at] gmail [dot] com.

[penguinrandomhouse]

We talked to the folks behind @howmaywehateyoublog about the hospitality industry, good guests and bad, and the weirdest sh*t they’ve seen. It’s great. You should listen!

[howmaywehateyoublog]

Thanks to Penguin Random House for having us on their lovely podcast! Have a listen, and also -- did you buy the book yet? Y’should! http://amzn.to/29aFG9C

[howmaywehateyoublog]

The New York Post... likes us? “Inn-sufferable.”

Check out some of our great press from this Sunday's New York Post. If you haven't please purchase our book!

http://www.amazon.com/How-May-Hate-You-Concier…/…/055344834X

http://nypost.com/…/what-nyc-concierges-really-think-about…/

[howmaywehateyoublog]

Our book comes out TOMORROW! Come celebrate with us!

Hi everyone. Thank you for continuing to read us through the years. We appreciate it. If you’re looking for even more reasons to cringe, buy our book that comes out tomorrow. It’s full of games, essays, stories, photos and illustrations about the terrors that are hotel guests. 

http://www.amazon.com/How-May-Hate-You-Concierge/dp/055344834X/

And if you’re in New York? Come party with us tomorrow night at our official book release party! It’s totally free and you can meet us in person. 

[howmaywehateyoublog]

If you need me, I’ll be over here banging my head against a wall forever.

GUEST: Can you get me a boat to the Empire State Building? CONCIERGE: You actually can't take a boat to the Empire State Building. GUEST: I was under the impression that I'm a guest here and can do what I want.

[howmaywehateyoublog]

WOWOWOWOWOWOW. We go on sale Tuesday, but we’ve cracked the top 10 on Amazon’s list of travel books. Please help us show Jim Koch whose boss and pre-order our book!

And Ken Burns? Please. Go back to documentaries, Ken. 

http://www.amazon.com/How-May-Hate-You-Concierge/dp/055344834X/

[howmaywehateyoublog]

No entiendo nada

Lo siento!

[howmaywehateyoublog]

“The Head of NeNe Leakes on a platter, please.”

Back in the fall, the NeNe Leakes from “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” was in Chicago the Musical. This is a real interaction that happened. 

GUEST: NeNe Leakes, please. CONCIERGE: So, you want tickets to Chicago? GUEST: No, she’s from Atlanta. CONCIERGE: Right, but she’s in Chicago the musical right now. You want tickets to see that? GUEST: She’s in a play? CONCIERGE: I thought that’s what you were asking for when you said, “NeNe Leakes, please?” GUEST: If I should. Okay. Here’s my credit card. 

I’ll never find out what she wanted when she approached and said “NeNe Leakes, please…”

[howmaywehateyoublog]

One Week Away...

In just one week our book is released. You can buy it here:  http://www.amazon.com/How-May-Hate-You-Concierge/dp/055344834X/

Until then, here’s another sneak peek inside!

(Photo credit: Mindy Tucker)

[howmaywehateyoublog]

Here’s a special preview inside of our book!

Over the next few days we’ll be releasing some previews inside of our book which you can now pre-order here: http://www.amazon.com/How-May-Hate-You-Concierge/dp/055344834X/

Who is this “Pam” we are referring to? You’ll have to read the book to find out.

(Illustration by Branson Reese!)

[howmaywehateyoublog]

G-g-g-g-ghosts?

GUEST: I really don't mean to be a problem, but I think there's something odd in my room. FRONT DESK: What's the problem? GUEST: It's hard to explain... FRONT DESK: Room 811? GUEST: How did you... FRONT DESK: We’ve had complaints of ghosts in that room before. We'll move you right away.

[howmaywehateyoublog]

We do have a rule. The rule is “Don’t.”

(A guest calls.)

GUEST: Good afternoon. I’ll be staying there in a few weeks. I see that you’re a pet-friendly hotel, but do you have specific rules about pet experiments?

[howmaywehateyoublog]

Ah, yes! You’re The Esteemed Count Von Hamburglar-McNuggets!

(A guest approaches the front desk.) GUEST: What's my room number? FRONT DESK: Let me look that up for you. What's the name on the room and do you have ID on you? GUEST: (aghast) You don't know who I am? FRONT DESK: I'm sorry, sir.  GUEST: I'd think everyone would know who I am! I was the one you guys found passed out near a bag of McDonald's in the hallway two nights ago.

[howmaywehateyoublog]

The longterm side effects of sniffing glue made apparent:

GUEST: Excuse me. I'd like to report illegal activity going on your hotel. CONCIERGE: What is it? I'll report it to security. GUEST: I believe the teenagers in the room next to mine are sniffing glue. CONCIERGE: Sniffing...um, how do you know? GUEST: Well, I used to sniff quite a bit of glue in my day. I recognize the signs. CONCIERGE: What are the signs? GUEST: Well, I smell glue and I hear sniffing.

[howmaywehateyoublog]

The Capital Hotel in Little Rock is the Best Hotel in the World

We recently stayed for two nights in the Capital Hotel and we can officially state it’s the best hotel in the world and we want YOU ALL TO KNOW.

They did not pay us to say this, but they did give us free banana pudding and sweet tea. Look, if you want to see your business listed here, give us banana pudding. 

We recently traveled to Little Rock to promote our book at the Arkansas Literary Festival. Our fabulous moderator Amy Bradley-Hole’s husband Nick Bradley-Hole is the Director of Operations and they invited us to be their guests at the historic hotel.

Here are 10 reasons why it’s the best hotel in the world (after the jump):

1) They treat EVERY guest like this though. Why?  We were escorted to our rooms (assuming that these fellow hospitality workers were planning to revenge murder us), but instead came into find these placed on our beds. “Googler of the closest McDonald’s” is what we suggest should be the job title of concierges.

2) FANCY WINE.

We were each given a bottle of wine that costs more than the amount of money we made in all of 2015. Normally, we stay at hotels that can only offer complimentary toilet paper, microwaved cookies, and a promise we probably won’t get murdered. Wow!

Here is a picture of the wine. It’s blurry because we were shaking.

They also gave us spiced pecans that they make in-house. I mean???

3) So many ghosts.

Do you like ghosts? ‘Cause this hotel is definitely haunted. But fear not, each room comes with its own Witch Spray and incantation. It’s technically for kids but we def used it.

4) They’re... good at their jobs?

You know how we complain about guests doing and saying dumb things? Well, WE got to be the dumb guests and the staff was actually nice! Todd forgot his hair gel at home and had to borrow some. The concierge said he could keep it. Then later Todd broke the printer and needed the concierge to fix it! (Ironically, it was printing out transcriptions from the blog.) Anna wore the same tunic for three days and no one ejected her from the hotel.

You can see Todd’s terrible hair without product and Anna’s tunic here, at the Olympics photo op at the Clinton Library:

(Peace!/Third place!)

5) Socks the Cat.

Socks the Cat has nothing to do with the Capital Hotel, but we went to the Clinton Library in Little Rock and we had no idea people were so obsessed with this cat. Now, we are too. He held the position of First Pet from 1992 to 1998 when his position was usurped by Buddy the Dog. As Hillary put it, Socks "despised Buddy from first sight, instantly and forever." As Bill put it, "I did better with ... the Palestinians and the Israelis than I've done with Socks and Buddy." They got rid of Socks because apparently he started it, but we all know the truth.

Buddy the Dog is a bad person.

6) The restaurants in the hotel are better than all other restaurants.

You know how you should, like, never eat in the hotel restaurant? Like, ever? Well, we ate nearly every meal at the hotel because they were both amazing. 

Where many hotels have one kitchen that does events, room service, and supplies the restaurants, The Capital Hotel has a dedicated kitchen for each service.

We don’t have a photo of our food or the menu, but here’s a piece of jewelry featuring Socks the Cat.

Just kidding, we do have a pic of the hellishly delicious chicken-fried steak, but how great is that bracelet?

7) The cocktail menu is bonkers.

We are snobby New Yorkers who think we’re better than anyone else, but their cocktail menu is crazy, fun, delicious, and we loved them so much we spent the last night giggling in the corner as we improvised some jazz scatting featuring the words “fart” and “poop.” We were not removed from the premises, so it’s officially our new favorite bar.

8) The actual rooms themselves. 

We both cried actual tears of joy at how nice the rooms were. New York’s best hotels are nowhere near as good as anywhere else’s best, because they’re not crumbling towers built on an island of compacted garbage. The Capital Hotel has the nicest rooms in the world.

9) More free things!

This hotel has the novel concept that since you’re paying to be the guest, why should you have to pay for wi-fi, water bottles, or a business center. If they wanted to nickle-and-dime guests, they could, but they don’t.

Here’s the banana pudding and sweet tea they gave us FOR NO REASON.

10) They’re a 5-star hotel who gets the joke.

This is literally the nicest hotel we’ve stayed at and the staff is comprised of total hospitality professionals who take their job seriously and would never start a blog about it. They appreciate our humor, but would never ever say “How May We Hate You?” to a guest. They’re the REAL deal. 

In conclusion, The Capital Hotel is the best hotel in the world and we miss it so, so much and you should go there ASAP.

___

Preorder our book here! ---> http://www.amazon.com/How-May-Hate-You-Concier…/…/055344834X

[howmaywehateyoublog]

This is one for our friends who work in the airline industry.

I was walking through the airport at 6:00AM this weekend and this happened:

TERRIBLE WOMAN: (to luggage valet outside airport) Where do I go? I don’t go where everyone else goes. I have pre-check. I don’t have to wait in line with other people.

He tells her where the line is then...

TERRIBLE WOMAN: (to me) I have pre-check. Do you? Where do we go for pre-check?

I tell her then...

TERRIBLE WOMAN: (to a janitor) Excuse me, I have pre-check. Where do I go for pre-check?

He tells her then...

TERRIBLE WOMAN: (to a random Delta Employee) Did you know I have pre-check? Where do I go if I’ve got pre-check?

She tells her then...

TERRIBLE WOMAN: (to TSA guard) You’re not Pre-check. Where do I go for Pre-check?

She tells her then...

TERRIBLE WOMAN: (to TSA Pre-check guard) This is pre-check, right? I’ve got pre-check. 

The guards says yes then...

TERRIBLE WOMAN: (to same TSA Pre-check guard) You’re sure? You’re sure this is for pre-check?

He confirms that it is then...

TERRIBLE WOMAN: (to person in line in front of her) This is pre-check, right? Y’all have got pre-check too? I just want to make sure I’m in the right line cause I have pre-check.

Then...

TERRIBLE WOMAN: (to person in line behind her) Are you pre-check? This is for pre-check. I’ve got pre-check.

Then I saw her on the other side of security. She approaches people putting on shoes. 

TERRIBLE WOMAN: (to people who just want to fly back to Phoenix probably) Why don’t y’all do pre-check? I do pre-check and I just breeze through. Y’all should do pre-check.

Then...

TERRIBLE WOMAN: (to another TSA agent) Don’t y’all love pre-check? Why don’t more people do pre-check? I always do!

[howmaywehateyoublog]

Are you near Little Rock? Come see us LIVE!

For any readers in Arkansas, come see us LIVE at the Arkansas Literary Festival this weekend for FREE!

We’ll be reading excerpts from our new book, playing games and answering questions. You’ll even get a chance to win an advanced copy of our book.

It’s this Saturday, April 16th at 8PM. The Ron Robinson Theater.

For more information on the entire festival visit: http://www.arkansasliteraryfestival.org/schedule/index.html

You can pre-order the book here: http://www.amazon.com/How-May-Hate-You-Concierge/dp/055344834X