What To Do If You:

DISCLAIMER: The advice presented here is purely satirical. This blog does not constitute medical or legal advice, nor does it promote or condone any of the actions suggested. Everything here has been written for comedic purposes only.

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Welcome! (Pinned)

Do you like satire and bad advice? Have you ever wanted to see wikihow go off the deep end? If so, this is the blog for you! Thank you for coming here, I appreciate your time. I hope that you find some amusement in my ramblings.

As you read through, please remember the following:

This account is purely satirical. Nothing said here should be treated as actual advice nor should it constitute medical or legal advice. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a lawyer. Please do not try this at home.

Facts About Me And My Page:

I’m 22 at the time of this post (January, 2023)

I’m from Arkansas (unfortunately)

I write these primarily to make myself laugh, but enjoy the idea of making others laugh as well.

Every post is typed and formatted by hand, usually when I’m stoned and/or sleep deprived as that’s when the stupid ideas flow the best. Please forgive any mistakes or inconsistencies. I try to catch them, but nobody’s perfect.

I hope that y’all enjoy. Make sure that you’ve read and understand the disclaimer above as I will not be putting any more disclaimers on my posts. It’s way too annoying for everyone involved.

Thank you once again for coming, I hope you enjoy your stay here :)

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How To Munch On Carpet (By A Certified Dog):

So you’re hungry and the carpet is looking pretty appetizing. We’ve all been there.

Step One: Vacuum the carpet. It’s very important to remove any dirt and debris in the carpet as they will negatively impact the experience of carpet munching.

Step Two: Bleach the carpet. You’ll need to sanitize the carpet before you eat any of it. Sanitizing your food with bleach makes you 240% less likely to catch gonorrhea …or so I’ve heard.

Step Three: Breathe in the bleach fumes. This will cleanse your palette and prepare you for your fine dining experience.

Step Four: Lower yourself to the floor. You can eat the carpet in whatever position is most comfortable for your body. If you’re unsure what would be the most comfortable, try getting on all fours and eating like a cow. Bonus points if you moo like one too.

Step Five: Bring your mouth to the carpet. This step is pretty obvious, but most of the population is stupid so it has to be stated. If you find this step difficult, just remember that the mouth is used to eat and the anus is used to make stinky smelly farts that make the Uber driver kick you out of the car.

Step Six: Take a bite. Again, this step is pretty obvious, but the world caters to the stupid with dumbed down explanations and warning labels, so it has to be said. Use your teeth to tear off small sections of the carpet fibers at a time. They will feel weird in your mouth, but remember that carpet is an acquired taste. It’s okay if you don’t like it at first, just keep trying until you do.

Step Seven: If you’re feeling especially brave, cut out a small piece of the carpet and serve it on a plate. This will make it much easier to eat as utensils can be used to cut the carpet into small bites that can be savored. You may want to consider using toppings as carpet is generally pretty bland. The asbestos in your ceiling is a wonderful seasoning as it’s free and just waiting to be utilized!

Step Eight: Eat the carpet until no longer hungry. You should feel a feeling of fullness in your abdomen, indicating that you’ve had enough carpet to sufficiently satisfy your appetite. Try not to overeat on carpet as it can cause a killer tummy ache.

Step Nine: Go to a doctor (optional). You may win a world record if you have enough carpet in your body, but it needs to be medically documented. Brag to the doctors about how much carpet you can eat, they’ll be impressed with your gastric fortitude.

Step Ten: Defecate the carpet. Here we complete the digestion process. It will most likely be easy to pass the carpet as it is a naturally a great source of fiber. If you’re lucky, you won’t even have to wipe because the carpet will do it for you on the way out.

Step Eleven: Brag to your friends about how much carpet you munch (optional). This will make them think that you’re a cool dude (or chick) that gets women. Make sure to invite them over so they can watch you munch carpet in the living room.

Step Twelve: Acknowledge your psychological issues (optional). There has to be a reason you wanted to eat carpet and Sigmund Freud would say it’s because you don’t do enough coke or want to bang your mom because she has penis envy, or whatever that ranting lunatic said.

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How To Be A Train Conductor:

So you’re out of career ideas and the only thing that seems tolerable is driving a train? Well then, you’ve come to the right place.

Step One: Find a program that can train you. If none are close or you fail to complete courses, simply create fraudulent versions of the licenses and documents necessary. Make sure that they’re convincing as using false documents probably comes with an abundance of legal issues. Thankfully, this will only happen if you’re caught, so remember not to get caught.

Step Two: Find a company willing to hire you. This may be difficult as your experience is limited or nonexistent, but they don’t need to know that. Lie as much as possible on your resume, state that you have experience with driving passenger trains, and never list your multiple felonies. They don’t need to know about the old lady you ran over last year.

Step Three: Act like you already know what you’re doing. If you’ve lied on your resume, don’t let it show when you get to training. Watch a lot of videos and movies about trains before your first day to appear somewhat knowledgeable.

Step Four: Try doing a bit of cocaine. This will help you to stay awake through the crazy hours train conductors are forced to work and give you a positive spirit, something employers love to see. Remember to reapply the coke as needed.

Step Five: Run red lights to show off your rebellious nature. This will make your coworkers think you’re cool. If there is another train coming, hold your horn down while continuing forward at full speed. If you intimidate the opposing train enough, the conductor will actually pull the emergency brake and start reversing the train within seconds. The cocaine may be necessary for this step.

Step Six: Test the capabilities of the train by increasing the speed. Companies love employees that are willing to test their products. Ideally, you should slow down once the train begins to feel unstable or you see a curve ahead.

Step Seven: Try to take the train off the rails to unlock the “free roaming” setting. Trains can actually drive outside of the rails, but big railroad doesn’t want you to know that. Hitting a curve extremely hard should take the train off the rails and into free roaming mode.

Step Eight: Do a publicity stunt for your company. They will love the free advertising. Try crashing the train into a building to show off the strength of the vehicle. You may die, but it’ll be for a good cause. The crash of your train will ultimately create a safer railroad thanks to the numerous laws and regulations that will probably be passed over it.

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How (Not) To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse:

Don’t:

Attempt to defeat the zombies in martial arts or hand to hand combat. The close proximity will increase your risk of being bitten dramatically. Remember, 6 feet apart or 6 feet under.

Try to mate with the zombies. Listen, I know you’ve been lonely since this whole apocalypse thing started, but this just isn’t a good idea. If you’re a necrophiliac willing to take your chances, well, I can’t stop you so have fun?

Try to eat the zombies. I know you’re hungry but it’s a really bad idea for many many reasons.

Sleep out in the open. Listen, I understand that you’re nodding off from all that morphine you looted from the abandoned pharmacy, but now is not the time for a nap. At least drag yourself somewhere hidden so you don’t become zombie food.

Trust the government. They probably started all this nonsense anyway. Now they’re just trying to save the world to cover everything up.

Use “anti-zombie” spray. Any product that is sold for the purposes of deterring zombies has not been proven to work nor has it been approved by the FDA.

Try to form an alliance with the zombies. Zombies are known to be traitors and will eat you if given the opportunity.

Eat rotten food. This is a bad idea as it could make you sick. Try to eat all of your perishables before they expire. It will probably be the last time you get to experience them for a while.

Taunt the zombies. I don’t care if waving a red cape in front of zombies makes you feel like a matador, it’s not smart. Insulting them or making faces at them is not recommended either.

Keep a ‘pet’ zombie. Even if it’s chained up really, really well, there’s still a chance of it breaking free and attacking you. Remember, there are no good zombies.

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What To Do If You Accidentally Touch A Dog’s ‘Package’:

Step One: Remove your hand from the dog’s genital area. This should seem obvious, but removing your hand is the best way to handle things as prolonged contact may make the dog feel awkward and potentially damage your relationship with the dog.

Step Two: Apologize to the dog. Use the dog’s name as much as possible to make sure he understands that you want him to listen to what you’re saying. Make him understand that it was an accident and that you’re just not sexually attracted to dogs. Tell him that it’s okay if he’s aroused as that’s what his body is naturally programmed to do. Do not embarrass your dog for getting an erection, as it is perfectly normal. Try not to make fun of his penis size either as most males in the animal kingdom are quite sensitive to this.

Step Three: Check the genital area for bruising. Although unlikely, if you accidentally molested the dog while picking him up, you might’ve applied a truly unfortunate amount of pressure to his testicles. Make sure you didn’t bruise the poor little guy’s nuts. It’s just the right thing to do. If there is bruising, call a vet for further instruction.

Step Four: Pet the dog. This is one of the quickest ways to rebuild a friendship with a dog after an accidental groping.

Step Five: Give the dog a treat. If someone randomly grabbed and possibly bruised your genitals, wouldn’t you want to at least get something in return?

Step Six: Wash your hands. You just touched a dog in a dirty place. Wash them twice.

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What To Do If You’re Caught Picking Your Nose In Public:

So that old lady really just gave you that judgmental look, huh? Even the children are staring at you in disgust! Here’s how to save yourself in this horrible situation.

Step One: Explain very loudly that you were just scratching your nose. This probably won’t work if a lot of people saw you digging for gold, but it’s worth a try.

Step Two: “Unpick” your nose by reinserting the boogers into your nostrils, especially if they’re rather large. This will show your remorse for your disgusting behavior and make others more likely to forgive you.

Step Three: If the boogers won’t stay in your nose, or you find them bothersome, try eating them to dispose of the evidence. Doing this will provide a great example of courtesy for others as you’re making a point to avoid contaminating the environment with possible biohazards.

Step Four (Optional): Once the boogers are gone, try not to pick your nose. If you have no shame nor concern for the opinions of others, continue to dig. Nobody can stop you.

Step Five (Optional): Announce a weird fact about yourself to distract from your nasal adventures. Some examples include:

“Today I weighed my poop by defecating onto a bathroom scale. It weighed 3.7 pounds.”

“I have this weird fetish for dressing up in furry costumes and going into the woods to be hunted by confused hillbillies.”

“I lost my virginity to a stuffed animal in the back of an Oklahoma Walmart.”

“I might have a third nipple but it might be a mole. It could also be cancer but my pastor once said that cancer only strikes the unholy.”

“I fantasize about murdering hookers on a regular basis, but then again, doesn’t everybody?”

“I love the smell of my own farts so much that I often save them in jars to enjoy later.”

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How To Make Love To A Sandwich In A McDonald’s Parking Lot:

Step One: Ask yourself some important questions:

Am I out in the open, exposed for the world to see? If so, get in a car. It doesn’t have to be yours, it just has to be unlocked. If you finish fast enough, the owner may never even know you were there.

Are there people around? Even if a car is unlocked, getting into it will draw unwanted attention to yourself. Try to find a place to hide. Bushes are ideal for public sandwich sex.

Are there cameras? Make sure you’re out of sight or some poor manager could get quite the show!

Step Two: Unwrap the sandwich slowly. This will feel like removing the lingerie from a supermodel and the sandwich will most likely appreciate the sensuality of it.

Step Three: Put on a condom (or not). If you trust the sandwich, skip the condom as humans cannot impregnate sandwiches. However, if the sandwich is cheap, use a condom.

Step Four: Rub the sandwich against your genitalia. You should hold both sides of the sandwich together as it is prone to falling apart, not unlike most of your other sexual partners. Try exploring new areas of yourself with the sandwich. A little mustard on the taint never hurt anybody.

Step Five: If you’re feeling bold, try some penetration. Ladies, try to cram the sandwich into your vagina. It may take some effort, but if you’re loose enough, it might fit. Gentlemen, you already know what to do to that poor sandwich.

Step Six: Once you’re finished with the sandwich, don’t just throw it away like some cheap whore. Sandwiches have emotions just like humans. Make the sandwich feel special by sleeping in bed with it until you’re ready to either eat it or throw it away. Holding a small funeral for the sandwich will give it the respect it deserves and show it that it was never just a sex toy to you.

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How To End World Hunger:

Picture this: you’re suddenly the most powerful person in the world, and you’ve decided to end word hunger. Here’s how to do it.

Part 1 - The “Ethical” Way

So you’re a goody-two shoes that’s afraid of going to hell, I see.

Step One: Use your power to donate food and resources such as greenhouses to third world countries. This is probably the most reasonable and ideal method in this entire article. However, if that isn’t an option, move on to the next step.

Step Two: Release an edible, invasive species into the affected countries. Soon the animals will overpopulate and create a viable food source for the natives.

Step Three: Watch Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs and try to create your own weather to food device. This will end world hunger along with the hassle of farming.

Part 2 - The Less “Ethical” Way

Finally! You got over your fear of going to hell. Now you’re ready to do some very questionable things for the good of the world.

Step One: Reimplement slavery. Sell white people to Africa as payment for their sins. Sell the farmers and butchers first as their experience will be vital.

Step Two: Ration food. Each person in hunger-affected countries should eat only enough to keep them alive. This will spread the food more fairly and create a sense of equality among the people. Ideally, a trained doctor should evaluate the natives regularly and determine their minimum food intake.

Step Three: Implement forced cannibalism of the dead. So many dead bodies, and people are seriously still starving? This is where the enslaved butchers come in. Have them chop up the bodies of the dead and feed it to the natives. They may be hesitant at first, but if it’s vital enough for their survival, they’ll be less reluctant to try it.

Part 3 - The Purely Unethical Way

Wanna become the next Hitler? Wanna intimidate satan himself when you’re eventually sent to hell?

Step One: Legalize cannibalism, even on the still living. This will create an environment which is ideal for natural selection. The smartest and strongest will survive while the weaker die. Humanity will thank you in a few million years.

Step Two: Regularly spray aerosolized methamphetamine over the affected areas. This will suppress the appetite of the inhabitants. They’ll still be starving, but they’ll stop complaining about it.

Step Three: If nothing else has worked, try mass euthanasia. Technically this is called ‘genocide’, but we’re just going to ignore that for the sake of the cause. Nuclear bombs are the most ideal option as they can cover large areas. Using hundreds of large nukes is highly recommended as it will help to reverse the effects of global warming and may even give the rest of the world superpowers. If you’ve been deemed too mentally unstable to have access to nuclear weapons, try handing out cyanide and fentanyl laced food. The locals will love the pleasant death that comes from it.

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How To Convince A Small Child To Eat Sand:

Are you worried that your child isn’t getting enough nutrients? Perhaps the child isn’t even yours. It doesn’t matter if they’re a relative or a random kid you found by a dumpster, it’s your responsibility to make sure that they’re getting a proper serving of sand every day as it contains the minerals they need to grow big and strong.

Step One: Find some sand. Beach sand tends to be a bit salty due to the natural marination of the ocean. This adds flavor. You can also use sand from a local sandbox as nobody will notice a few scoops of sand missing.

Step Two: Find a child. This can be a younger sibling, your own kid, or just a random one you found wandering around in Walmart. The younger they are, the more receptive they’ll be to the idea of eating sand.

Step Three: Relax the child. Try giving the child a chemical relaxant like Xanax. Just be sure to give them a lower dose. This will lower their resistance to eating sand. Children are naturally picky eaters and often hate trying new things. However, it is very important to step outside of your comfort zone in life so teach them early that drugs are the best way to relax before trying something new. This will give them more confidence in their ability to handle new experiences and lead to an adventurous mindset.

Step Four: Ask the child if they want some sand. If they say no, try repeatedly asking them. This will prepare them for the intrusive thoughts that will probably come later from the trauma of this experience.

Step Five: If the child hasn’t taken a spoonful of sand yet, try the airplane trick. Tell them that the spoon is United Airlines Flight 175 and their mouth is the second tower. If you traumatize then enough, they’ll never forget the importance of eating sand.

Step Six: If the child still hasn’t eaten the sand, try encouraging them to sing. You can do this by singing the ABC’s. No kid can resist the ABC song. When the child has their mouth open, try throwing sand into it. If they still haven’t gotten the suitable amount of sand, try showing them an intense horror movie. Screaming increases sand consumption rates by over 3%.

Step Seven: Once the proper amount of sand has been given, have the child drink a big glass of water. Sand can be rough to swallow and water will help wash the rest of the sand down, leading to further sand consumption.

Step Eight: Get ice cream. This will help to rebuild the child’s trust in you as ice cream heals all wounds.

Step Nine: If the child isn’t consuming enough sand regularly, try slipping it into their food. Eating sand is great for dental health as it naturally exfoliates the teeth.

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How To Remove A Dollar Store Plunger From Your Rectal Cavity:

Surely the situation isn’t as embarrassing as it seems. You went to the bathroom, it was dark, and your inconsiderate spouse left the plunger stuck in the toilet. Maybe you were in the shower, trying to plunge the drain and suddenly slipped. However this happened, you can avoid the embarrassment of an emergency room visit with this simple guide.

Step One: Assess your situation. How deep is the plunger stuck in there? If it’s not too deep, pulling it out should be easy with a bit of lube.

Step Two: Lube the plunger (and your nether regions). It’s important to use lube in the removal of any item from the rectum as internal tearing might occur. If you don’t have any lube specifically for intimate areas, try any of the following:

Cooking oil, Vaseline, hair gel, aloe Vera gel, mustard, orange juice, etc. Icy hot and toothpaste also have the added benefit of helping with the pain of object removal.

Step Three: Grasp the end of the plunger that is not currently inside of you firmly. You’re going to want to stop and take a deep breath here to prepare yourself for any discomfort that may come with the process. Here’s some ideas to help you relax:

Go out and show your friends your new tail. They’ll find it hilarious! Make sure to show all of your family too, especially your grandparents. You wouldn’t want them to miss out on the fun! Anal humor is timeless and heavily appreciated by older generations due to them having nothing better to laugh at before technology took over.

Have a drink or 17. If you’re gonna be lubricating your butthole anyway, might as well use some social lubricant to make the experience with yourself less humiliating.

Make yourself a cup of coffee, taking several laxatives in the process. This will help to relax your colon and encourage it to push the intruding plunger out.

Try to push it deeper. Experimenting with yourself is the safest and easiest way to understand your own sexuality. If you enjoy the plunger being there, consider doing it more often (after you’ve figured out how to remove it, that is). You never know, the plunger may even make its way out of you through your mouth if you push hard enough.

Step Four: Pull the plunger out with aggressive force. Surely you remember losing your baby teeth, rip the thing out like you would’ve a loose tooth that wouldn’t fall out. Attaching a string to a doorknob may help get it out.

Step Five: If the plunger is still stuck inside of you, considering using power tools to cut the plunger yourself. Using a mirror should help with this part. Chainsaws are a bit overpowered, especially with an object as fragile as a cheap plunger, but will get the job done quickly. Try to cut the plunger as close to your anus as possible, as you will need to wait for the rest of it to pass naturally with this method.

Step Six: Once you have the plunger out, sanitize it well, especially if you plan to reinsert it later. Using a potent mixture of bleach and ammonia should destroy any germs and bacteria on the plunger, destroying your ability to breathe in the process. This method is especially helpful if you’re fed up with constantly finding plungers in your rectum.

Step Seven: Insert a tampon into your rectum. Ideally, it should be soaked with at least 91% isopropyl alcohol. This will sanitize the possible internal wounds you have along with stopping any possible bleeding. You may feel a bit sick and dizzy from this method, but you’ve been through a lot recently, it’s normal for your body to react poorly.

Step Eight: Remove the tampon with excessive force after letting it sit for 5-7 minutes. This will remove any internal scabs that may have formed, leading to a faster healing process. Afterwards, putting a soothing cream such as preparation H or diaper rash ointment around the anus. If you’re in a pinch, try using orajel, icy hot, or toothpaste. If you’re really in a pinch, buttchugging mouthwash may also help. All you need is a funnel and a bottle of Listerene to sanitize and soothe your poor colon.

**Obligatory Disclaimer: This post does not constitute medical advice. See a doctor who doesn’t have a poorly printed fake license for that.

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How To Show The Staff At The Mental Hospital What Crazy Actually Looks Like:

Step One: Refuse to wear undergarments, while also encouraging others to ditch their own. Start a revolution. Free the nips and free the nuts. Let them things swing free.

Step Two: Flirt with every other patient. It doesn’t matter if they’re male or female, young or old, try to get it on with all of them. Bang your roommate. If you can organize an orgy, even better.

Step Three: Eat several packets of condiments straight while looking the staff in the eye. Bonus points if you laugh maniacally and uncontrollably, spitting mustard and hot sauce in the eye of an innocent bystander.

Step Four: Try eating grass. During the brief times you get outside, act like a cow and begin openly grazing on the grass. Mooing will really sell the act. Some of the other patients may start to believe that you really are a cow born as a human.

Step Five: Try eating paper. If eating grass wasn’t dramatic enough, try eating any paper that you’re given and then complain to the staff that the paper tastes cheap, asking for gourmet paper.

Step Six: Do gymnastics down the hallway. They’ve gotta catch you to stop you. It may take them a minute if they’re especially out of shape. This is also a good way to get tranquilized if that’s your thing.

Step Seven: Try licking everything. Don’t lick the staff or other patients, unless you want to be tranquilized.

Step Eight: Talk excessively about sex. It’s a natural, nearly universal thing and something that everyone can relate to. Make sure that everyone knows all of your interesting fetishes and fantasies, especially if they’re abnormal in some way. Have you fantasized about getting it on with the Chuck-E-Cheese animatronic since you were a child? Tell everyone about your undying lust for the singing rat.

Step Nine: Flash the cameras. If you’re female, just pull your shirt up. If you’re male, maybe give them a full moon instead. They’ll most likely enjoy the view.

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How To Get People To Leave You Alone:

Maybe you’re at a party and some girl came up to you and started explaining her astrology sign. You’re too wasted to care, but she simply isn’t getting the hint. Alternatively, you’re shopping and run into an old high school friend that won’t shut up about their pyramid scheme. What do you do when people won’t leave you alone? Here’s what you do.

Step One: Try to excuse yourself politely. Needing to use the restroom is a perfect excuse to get away for a moment. Alternatively, fake an important, time-sensitive issue. If this doesn’t work, move on to the next step.

Step Two: Attempt to match their capability of annoying others. Talk nonstop about insignificant and mundane things. Over share personal information if necessary.

Step Three: If nothing is working try using one of the phrases below to escape a situation quickly:

“I think I just sharted, I’ve gotta go.”

“I need to head to work. I’ll get fired if I’m late.”

“I’m really not in the mood to talk to anyone, please talk to me about this another time.”

“I’d better go, I’m gonna be late for my appointment with a local prostitute.”

Step Four: If nothing has worked to this point, it’s time to pull out the big guns. Be warned that the following list of phrases should only be used if you no longer want this person to annoy you or talk to you at all.

“So how does all this explain your mom being a whore back in the day?”

“I’d better go. The police are onto me and I can’t afford to hide another body.”

“What gets you going? Personally I like to touch myself to pictures of headless, naked Barbie dolls.”

“Oh god it’s in my skin! It’s eating me alive!”

“Do you think Dora the explorer grew up to be hot? If so, do you think she would be more likely to hook up with boots or her cousin Diego?”

“I’ve been eating chalk for about a week now. It’s done wonders for my digestive health.”

“Have you ever seen a bird go through a jet engine? It’s pretty interesting. If you like watching birds get shredded, that is.”

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How To Boil An Egg:

Step One: Check your refrigerator for eggs. If there are none, consider plucking one straight from the cloaca (butt/vagina hole) of a chicken. Think of it as delivering a baby …that you’re about to eat. Don’t worry if your thoughts get dark for a second, it’s okay because it’s just an egg.

Step Two: Fill a pot with water. It can be tap water, spring water, filtered water, whatever you’d like. Just make sure not to overfill it as the water will be splashing around once it begins to boil. The natural discomfort of high temperatures tends to make water aggressive.

Step Three: Gently place the egg inside the pot. Treat the egg with care, caressing it lightly before putting it in to show your appreciation for the egg.

Step Four: Boil the egg until you feel like you’re done. This can be from the egg looking done or because you’ve simply given up and chosen to eat a half boiled egg. Remember that nobody can tell you what you can and can’t do when it comes to boiling eggs.

Step Five: Try to peel the egg. Peeling eggs can be difficult. Using a hammer is not recommended, but if you feel the need to, at least sterilize it first.

Step Six: Eat your poorly done boiled egg. Don’t show it off on social media, it’ll just be an embarrassment to yourself. Simply eat the poor thing to put it out of its misery.

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How To Have Good Cheap Fun In The City:

While you may be stuck wondering if there’s anything you can do other than walk around aimlessly, there are plenty of solutions. If you’re stuck in a city with little to no money, here’s some fun ideas to try:

Go dumpster diving. There’s nothing quite like the thrill of finding discarded treasures. Who knows, you may help solve a murder by finding a body.

Swim in a fountain. You know they look refreshing. Most fountains also come with coins at the bottom that you can take so long as nobody’s around to see.

Throw dead rats at passing cars. You can use the rats you’ve trapped yourself or forage for dead rats, all that matters is that you’ve got a good supply of rodents to throw. For ethical purposes, please make sure that they are dead. If mouth to rat CPR doesn’t work, it’s probably safe to assume that they’re dead.

Lick random objects. From cars to buildings to street signs, there’s plenty to lick in the city. It’s a great way to build up your immune system as well. Just don’t lick any people without their consent. Asking “can I lick you?” Is a wonderful way to get consent.

Ask random people nonsensical questions. For example “isn’t the weather feeling especially crunchy today?” Or “How many days do you think it would take to drive to Antarctica?” If you’d like, make odd statements as well such as “aliens are real and I have a probe in my butthole to prove it. Wanna see?”

Give yourself a piercing with a random safety pin you found on the ground. You know you’ve always wanted to save money on professional piercings. Fate has brought you this safety pin as a sign. It’s time to grow a pair and do it yourself.

Find and eat cigarette butts. Gotta get your fix somehow, am I right?

Leave controversial notes on random cars. It can be as simple as “Get tested. I might’ve given you herpes” or as extravagant as “I can’t believe that you would go as far as to defend the nazis when your own grandmother is Jewish.” At the very least, it will confuse the reader.

Fart in as many elevators as you can. This is a great option if you want to watch the world burn but don’t want too many consequences.

Stand in the street and wait to get hit by a car. There’s so much traffic, surely one of them will hit you. If you survive, you’ll be able to brag about it once you’re out of the hospital.

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What (NOT) To Do With Your Feet In Public:

Don’t:

Make strangers smell your feet. This is just rude.

Lick your feet. Even if your friend said it would be really funny if you licked the bottom of your foot, it’s unsanitary and socially questionable.

Use your big toe to pick your nose. This may cause an uncomfortable, stretching feeling in your nostrils. Use a smaller toe instead.

Kick/trip small children. Remember: it’s the parents fault for not disciplining them therefore it’s your job to discipline the parents. If kicking and tripping them doesn’t work, try bending them over your knee and spanking them like they should’ve spank their little demon child.

Stick your foot into any food without washing it properly. At the very least, wash your feet well before touching food with them.

Open doors with your feet. Although it will reduce the number of germs that come into contact with your hands, it may also cause you to lose your balance and receive a fatal head injury.

Answer the phone with your foot. You may accidentally end the call with a simple misclick. Remember: your toes are not as dexterous as your fingers.

Pretend that your foot is its own person with its own identity. Ultimately your foot is a part of you and allowing it to have its own identity will just confuse others and make them assume that you’re missing a few screws. The world simply isn’t ready for the independence of feet.

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How To Scream At Ducks and Other Water Birds In A Public Park:

(Written by an expert in the art of screaming at waterfowl)

Picture this, you’re in a public park by a lake. All is peaceful until you hear what sounds almost like mocking laughter from the ducks and geese near the water. Doesn’t that make you wanna scream at them? Maybe chase them around a bit? If so, this is the article for you!

Step One: Look a random water bird in the eye. Make sure to give it a confrontational stare so it knows you mean business.

Step Two: Try yelling obscenities at the birds. The more creative the better. If at least one child in that park doesn’t immediately ask their parents what something you said meant, then you’re failing as a public menace.

Step Three: Charge the birds. Run at them full speed, ideally while cursing them in a loud voice. This will scare the birds away. You can even chase a large group around the park if you’ve got the balls for it.

Step Four: Try flapping your arms if the birds aren’t intimidated yet. This will make you look like a bigger, scarier version of them.

Step Five: Remember that the geese in the park are free and nobody can stop you from taking them home. If you can capture a goose, then feel free to keep it as a pet. Please research everything involved with caring for a goose and remember that not all geese lay golden eggs.

Step Six: Make sure that the birds know you. Chase them frequently and curse at them when necessary. It’s a sign of dominance in the world of ducks and geese. By frequently chasing and screaming at the geese, you’ll earn their respect as the much larger, alpha bird that rules them.

Do’s and Don’t’s of Mildly Tormenting Wet Birds:

Do: Yell loudly with passion. Open your subconscious mind and let the right words fall from your mouth as you scream at the birds.

Don’t: Attempt to perform the natural mating rituals of the birds. This will confuse the poor ducks and/or geese and may make some of them fall in love with you. Don’t ruin the concept of love for a duck.

Do: Wave at everyone you see in the park, especially if they’ve seen/heard your encounter with the ducks. This will assure them that you’re actually quite nice and not one of the local weirdos. It may be extra helpful to give a big smile to them without breaking eye contact for approximately 5 seconds. Making your eyes wide will keep them open and show others your dedication to maintaining eye contact, something that makes interactions far more personal.

Don’t: Admit to screaming at the wildlife. Act as if nothing happened. It will make others question their memory of the event and eventually convince themselves that it didn’t happen.

Do: Get away from the area as fast as possible. Especially if too many people have witnessed your odd behavior. You don’t have to explain anything to them, but park rangers may want to have a talk with you.

Don’t: Go swimming with the birds (even if they invite you). Ducks and geese are manipulative and will try to trick you into getting into the water with them. Once in the water, they can cluster around you and hold you underwater with the help of their peers, drowning you in the process.

Obligatory Disclaimer:

This is satire and should be treated as such. This blog doesn’t condone nor promote theft or animal abuse.

[howto-ifyou]

What To Do If You Hit A Car While Parking:

Step One: Check for witnesses. Has anyone seen or heard the accident? Are you on camera? Is the owner of the car inside the car? These are important things to observe before continuing forward.

Step Two: Assess the damage. Did you hit them slow enough to not leave a mark? If so you’re in luck. So long as no witnesses nor cameras saw the incident, and the damage is unnoticeable, chances are you can leave your car parked near them and they won’t even notice. Alternatively, if you hit them hard enough to do actual damage, be prepared to own up to your actions.

Step Three: Be accountable (when necessary). If witnesses saw the collision but no damage was done, pretend that you’re writing your information down, but actually leave a note that says “I’m pregnant, call me” along with the number of a local church or religious organization. If damage was done and it was seen, be prepared to actually file an insurance claim. Being charged with a hit and run will probably be worse.

Step Four: Try not to hit any more cars. Remember that playing bumper cars with regular sized vehicles is never a good idea, even if you really, really want to ram the slow driver in front of you. A cigarette may help in this instance. If one doesn’t cure your road rage, try smoking an entire pack while behind the wheel. If cancer isn’t your thing, try lighting up a blunt or drinking a beer. Cops will appreciate your dedication to not getting angry or nervous behind the wheel. If you need something stronger, heroin has been proven to relax people, especially if you reach the point of a gentle nod.

Step Five: Consider getting a tattoo that says “bad driver” as a reminder of the incident. Put it somewhere noticeable like your hand or forearm so that you see it when you’re parking. It may motivate you to become better at parking.

Obligatory Disclaimer:

This article does not constitute legal advice nor does it promote driving under the influence. This is purely satirical and should not be taken as actual advice under any circumstances.