I really miss when tumblr used to be good, and I could just get my thoughts and feelings out of my head and onto this blog. I haven't been on here consistently since 2019ish, and part of me really misses having this as a creative outlet. Maybe I'll still use it as it is my longest-running journal.
I've had so many things going on. I'm still dating men which is just kind of wild to me (?). I don't really know how I feel identity wise about it sometimes. I've always said queer, but always imagined that I would end up married to a woman, now that that might have changed I feel like it doesn't take away my queerness, but in a fact of the matter type of way it does. I'm not sure.
I've also been struggling so much with my weight. I know that can be a sensitive topic for people, so I'll tag anything that is too much, but I really just hate that it is something that I can't talk to my mom about. I need to call my insurance because I was going to start therapy for it, but even with insurance it looks like the self pay will be over $250. That just seems kind of wild to me. I'd say overall I have a pretty good job and I am proud of myself for that. The dynamics of working there are sometimes hard, but overall it's an alright position.
I've also been sad about my dad. I feel like I have no connection with him at all and I try to work on it and make an effort and I am just always met with the minimal amount of effort. We live 12 minutes away from eachother and I see him maybe 5 times a year. After 5 years of trying too, I think I am finally just fed up with his girlfriend and am just going to only try to hang out with him outside of their house and on my terms.
I don't know. I feel very grey and very blah and very not myself but I don't know what the next move is. I don't know what the next step is. I'll figure it out eventually, but I just feel kind of stuck.
