TVSTRANGERTHINGS
KIROKAZE
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dirt enthusiast
Today's Document
AnasAbdin
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
taylor price
roma★
DEAR READER
oozey mess
JVL
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$LAYYYTER
Kaledo Art
祝日 / Permanent Vacation
Janaina Medeiros
trying on a metaphor
Discoholic 🪩
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
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seen from Netherlands
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seen from United States
seen from United States
@huesofblackandblue
“Why do you take SO long to eat?”
“Jeez, slow down, it’s not going anywhere.”
“Second plate already? Save some for the rest of us!”
“Come on, it’s a family event, you haven’t even tried your aunt’s potato salad yet, get some more!”
“Why can’t you just enjoy what the rest of us eat?”
-
“You haven’t been eating lately, honey, is something wrong?”
Yeah. Apparently I don’t know how.
Nothing is quite as humbling as seeing candid photos of yourself.
I had a job interview today and for the first time in 3 1/2 years I dressed up nice and put on makeup. I currently work in a warehouse so I never bother since I’m always getting dirty and sweaty. I had to buy a new outfit since I’ve gained more weight, but looking at myself in a mirror, I felt kind of pretty. I definitely wasn’t a 10/10, but the more I looked at myself, the more I liked how I looked.
I had the interview and it went alright, and then I stopped by to see my mother. I didn’t realize she took a picture of me while we were talking, and after I left, one of my sisters sent me the photo and said mom just sent me this to show me your outfit.
My heart dropped. I looked awful. My second chin was 2x bigger than my actual chin, I had no fucking neck, my stomach was huge and disgusting, my feet were bulging out of my flats, my cardigan looked like it was 2 sizes too small, my makeup looked cakey, my hair was flat and dull, the face I was making looked stupid….it completely ruined my entire day.
I pulled over into a random parking lot and just started crying. A heavy, hyperventilating, ugly cry. I pulled down the mirror on my sun visor, looked at myself again and cried even harder. All I could think was “you’re a hideous, disgusting monster.”
I wanted to drive full speed into the nearest tree. Instead, I drove to Sonny’s bbq and spent money that was supposed to go toward my car payment and ordered the first thing I saw on the menu, chain smoked on the way home, and then ate my feelings until I felt sick. Then I hid the evidence of my binge, waddled my way upstairs, took off my makeup, and cried myself to sleep.
When I woke up, I called my best friend and told her about my day, and she did her best to try and make me feel better, saying things like phone cameras always make people look bad, and that she’s sure I looked hot. I just agreed and moved on, because it’s not the camera. It’s me. I’m just fat and ugly. I know I’m an okay person. I’m funny, and I’m a good friend, but I’m just not pretty.
And I never will be.
And I have to learn to be okay with that.
Note To Myself (Again)
Hey, I know you’re headed to work not feeling so good again, so throw in some dry shampoo, put your hair in a nice bun, take a baby wipe to your face and breathe. You went to bed crying again, but that’s okay, sometimes you need to cry. Take a cold wet washcloth and hold it to your eyes for a little while, just a few seconds is all you need. Don’t worry about makeup, you’ll be okay, just freshen up a little bit and put on some clean clothes.
Now you’ve spent a few hours feeling shitty and spent too much money on lunch because you wanted to eat your feelings. That’s alright, you’ll be okay, it happens to the best of us. Just eat what you bought and feel better. After lunch, wash your face again. Trust me, it’ll make you feel a little better. And since you skipped your shower this morning you need a quick little refresher.
Welcome home. Still feeling bad? Take your shoes off, lay down, and cry. That’s right. Cry again. Remember, sometimes you need to let it out. After you’re done, I want you to put that cold wet rag over your eyes again, it’s soothing and it feels nice. You need something that feels nice right now. Your family is screaming at each other again. I’m sorry. Their argument is not something you need to focus on right now. Sing a song in your head. Hum it, if you must. Remember how you liked the soundtrack for The Greatest Showman? Hum the tune of “The Other Side” or “Rewrite The Stars” so that you have something to focus on. The important thing right now is focusing on feeling better.
You feel a little better now. That’s great, that’s amazing. I want you to understand something. It’s alright to make mistakes. You don’t have to force yourself to take a shower every day. Just freshen up a little so that you don’t feel so greasy and grimy. You don’t have to force yourself to pay attention to your spending. If you really couldn’t afford it you would have stopped. I know you well enough to know that you wouldn’t have spent what you couldn’t afford. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to fix yourself before work. You can take all day to feel better. It’s okay. You’re not okay. And that’s okay. You WILL be okay.
I love you.
I wish I was more like her.
