If zanpakuto *literally* obeyed their release commands...
Bleach zanpakuto have suddenly and inexplicably begun to literally obey their release commands! How will everyone react?
Renji: Howl, Zabimaru!
Zabimaru: Awoooooooooooooo!
Bazz-B: OH MAN THAT’S SO LOUD THAT I HAVE TO DROP MY GUARD AND COVER MY EARS
Renji: Okay well that works.
Yumichika: Bloom, Fuji Kujaku!
Giselle: So……what? You’re going to kill me with all those flowers that just bloomed at your feet?
Yumichika: S-shut up! I hate my zanpakuto!
Ikkaku: Grow, Hozukimaru!
Ikkaku: …
Ikkaku: A giant sword! Awesome!
Kenpachi: Drink, Nozarashi!
Nozarashi: Later. Gonna go drinking with Kyoraku.
Kenpachi: HEY WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS NOW
Hinamori: Snap, Tobiume!
Tobiume: Fuck you! Don’t tell me what to do!
Hinamori: T-Tobiume?
Aizen: Shatter, Kyoka Suigetsu.
Kyoka Suigetsu: [shatters into a thousand pieces]
Aizen: …
Aizen: I’M SORRY I PICKED THE HOGYOKU OVER YOU, OKAY
Shinji: Ha, ha, nice! Now’s the time for me to finally take out Aizen!
Shinji: Collapse, Sakanade!
Shinji: DAMMIT
Rukia: Dance, Sode no Shirayuki!
[Strobe lights appear]
[Music begins to thump]
Sode no Shirayuki: Look at me! I’m doing the robot!
Rukia: Somehow I expected something more like ballet.
Byakuya: Scatter, Senbonzakura.
Byakuya: …
Byakuya: Where is that bird seed coming from?
Byakuya: Senbonzakura no.
Kensei: Blow it away, Tachikaze!
[Opponent goes tumbling away like a leaf]
Kensei: …
Kensei: I’m counting that as a victory.
Isane: Run, Itegumo!
Isane: WAIT COME BACK
Tosen: Cry, Suzumushi!
Suzumushi: M-my life is just so hard! I…I can’t….I….
Suzumushi: [gross sobbing]
Tosen: What
Soi Fon: Sting all enemies to death, Suzumebachi!
Suzumebachi: [zooms out of Soi Fon’s hand]
Suzumebachi: [systematically murders every single one of the Quincy]
Soi Fon: Well that worked better than usual.
Urahara: [screaming in the distance]
Soi Fon: Best day ever!
Omaeda: Crush, Gegetsuburi!
Omaeda: NOT *ME* YOU MORON
Kurotsuchi: Rip, Ashisogi Jizo!
Kurotsuchi: Did you just tear yourself in half?
Kurotsuchi: I will be punishing you for that.
Matsumoto: Growl, Haineko!
Haneiko: Grrrrrrrrrrrr…..
Matsumoto: …
Matsumoto: This is no time to be stubborn, Haineko!
Sasakibe: Bite, Gonryomaru!
Sasakibe: Ouch! What the hell??
Hisagi: Reap, Kazeshini!
Hisagi: Um….where did you get that straw hat from?
Hisagi: What do you MEAN you’ll be back after you harvest some crops??
Hisagi: K-Kazeshini! Come back!
Komamura: Roar, Tenken!
Tenken: Rawr!
Komamura: Please stop being so adorable about it. It is not the time.
Hitsugaya: Sit upon the frosted heavens, Hyorinmaru!
Hitsugaya: …
Hitsugaya: GET DOWN FROM THERE
Urahara: Wake up, Benihime!
Benihime: Fuuuuuucking alarm! Where’s the coffee?
Rose: Play, Kinshara!
Kinshara: Tag, you’re it!!!!
Rose: Wrong kind of playing, Kinshara.
Kira: Raise your head, Wabisuke!
Wabisuke: Um, I’m a sword. What head?
Kira: …
Hiyori: Chop cleanly, Kubikiri Orochi!
Hiyori: Cauterization. Nice.
Gin: Shoot to kill, Shinso.
Shinso: [machine-gun fire]
Gin: I think I need to go see Aizen again.
Kyoraku: Flower Wind Rage and Flower God Roar, Heavenly Wind Rage and Heavenly Demon Sneer - Katen Kyokotsu!
Katen Kyokotsu: I don’t even know what a flower wind is.
Kyoraku: Well we tried.
Ukitake: All Waves, Rise now and Become my Shield, Lightning, Strike now and Become my Blade - Sogyo no Kotowari!
Ukitake: HELP THE OCEAN IS COMING DOWN ON MY HEAD AND I KEEP GETTING STRUCK BY LIGHTNING
Ukitake: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
Yamamoto: B-
Kyoraku & Ukitake: YAMAMOTO NO