*subject to change

Transmasculine [?] Non-Binary [?] Constantly Questioning [✓]

[humanasterisk]

where the fuck does all that cancer research money go

chemo is the same now as it was 40 years ago, we’re no closer to any fucking kind of cure, people are raising billions and literally jack shit has happened

where the hell does it go???

[alternativeblkgal]

one hard pill to swallow (that i had to learn myself) is that in order to actually learn coping skills and progress with living successfully with your mental illness is that you have to take action. whether that’s going to therapy or removing yourself from toxic enviornments/people, living your life solely for yourself or whatever. you can’t sit around venting forever and expect it will change. theres only so much understanding and patience that others around you will have. sometimes mental illness is a burden on others. it’s a burden when you have access to help and choose not to take it. sometimes it’s exhausting. there’s no magic day where it will all fall together. you have to actively make that magic.

[itsasooz]

Avoid Windows 10 October Update Until You Do One Thing

If you're not wild about losing all of your photos, music and documents read on.

[alkatyn]

reading that genuinely made me feel slightly ill

[andtheblueberrymuffin-deactivat]

to add a way to disable updates:

click your windows symbol

type ‘administrative tools’ and open it

click on ‘services’

click on ‘windows update’

click ‘stop’ (it may take a couple of times) 

this SHOULD stop it, but it will try to restart automatically. you can fix this the automatic re-starting issue. to do so:

double-click on ‘windows update’ 

go to ‘start-up type’

select ‘disabled’

you should be okay (SHOULD)

when the update is safe (”safe”) you will have to go back and automatically start the updater again. i, uh, truly recommend turning it off for all updates, until all the glitches are fixed, bc windows will straight up screw you over, so, also

back up your files, if at all possible

stay frosty, my friends

also, there are easier ways to pause the updates if you have pro, i think. i don’t have it, so i have to take the long way.

[humanasterisk]

here’s a trip

making the effort to forge new and deeper connections with people because you come to the realization that you need and require friendship and love as a human being on the planet and the 2 or three sole people you have relied upon your entire life to provide those things for you possibly might not be there forever and unless you make the effort to go outside your comfort zone and extend friendship to others there could come a day when you find yourself very alone

[humanasterisk]

Of course the most terrifying aspect of this is eventually the new people you are allowing close will see what you dont want them to; your soft underside, your weaknesses and the places where youve bruised and broken and healed wrong. Your failings and fears will be laid bare and all you can hope is they still care for you after that. But god, the fear they wont consumes me like a parasite in my guts.

[humanasterisk]

Just experienced seven false awakening nightmares in a row and when i finally woke up it was to a panic attack! Fuck!

[humanasterisk]

here’s a trip

making the effort to forge new and deeper connections with people because you come to the realization that you need and require friendship and love as a human being on the planet and the 2 or three sole people you have relied upon your entire life to provide those things for you possibly might not be there forever and unless you make the effort to go outside your comfort zone and extend friendship to others there could come a day when you find yourself very alone

[humanasterisk]

*washes down my anti-anxiety meds with a double espresso* balance, bitch

[humanasterisk]

trigger warning for like everything

this has been a bad month

this past month there have been three deaths, a shooting, a traumatic birth and a cancer diagnosis in/deeply effecting my immediate family. it feels insane to think i got married two weeks ago since so much crazy horrible shit has happened since then...

just, when will things slow down. please. 

[lakesdeadblog-deactivated202009]

♪ Summer binding, had me a blast ♪

[xxbluandorangexx]

How to stop feeling so fucking usless and hopeless? Like, I think like literally everything I do is shit not worth even exposing to others to see and I can't end *anything* I chose as my goal and I'm the only one who has been hurting myself over the act of creating...

Make your goals smaller and more managable and give yourself room to fail as you learn how you personally need to work to complete your shit. You do not have to do things the way everyone else does. If it gets done, thats what matters. It will take time to learn how you work, it will take time to learn new skills, ANY SKILLS, and you have to be accepting and kind to yourself while you experience the growing pains. Celebrate the little things, build them slowly into big things.

Fight against the part of you who says you are useless and hopeless. Do not let that fucker win. Tell it ‘you’re wrong about me and I will prove that you’re wrong’ and remind yourself EVERY TIME you do something tiny That Tiny Thing is proof the voice was Wrong and that you matter and are working on yourself, despite its best efforts to keep you down. When you have hard days, tell it that everyone has hard days and it is still wrong about you. When you have days when you Cannot Progress, and you struggle to function and you fuck up your goals, tell it that everyone has bad days and it is still wrong about you. Stop giving it ammunition. Start telling it you forgive yourself for being Human and Needing Time To Heal from its Toxic Bullshit. Tell it failure is allowed because you’re only taking a quick smoke break, you’ll be back later to clean this shit up and you’ll probably come back with help. 

Ask for help. Communicate when you’re struggling and believe people when they say they see value in you. Trust them. Do not listen to the part of you that wants to tell them they’re wrong about you, and if only they could see what YOU see about yourself, they would understand how garbage you are. That’s the toxic fucker talking and they’re no longer valid because their toxic bullshit has never actually helped you be a better more valuable person, so they’re getting fired. New management says no more beating self with sticks. 

Do not let fear stop you anymore. Challenge the fear, in small ways but consistently, with as much help as you need, cHALLENGE IT until the darkness is no longer endless. TEST yourself and LEARN the ACTUAL extent of your abilities, stop assuming them and letting those assumptions rule you. Learn how to safely try shit again. Because you’re gonna fuck up and blow chances and not meet deadlines, because everyone does. You are not deficient for existing in a world with a one-size-fits-all mentality and you are WORTH the time it will take you to learn where your strengths and weaknesses lie so you can improve on them. Show up and keep showing up, even after bad days. Rest from the shit days and come back the next morning ready to work.

don’t hold yourself to ‘if I was a real X I would be able to do Y’ modes of thinking, because those definitions are entirely subjective. Those thoughts and similarly negative, rigid and shaming statements will never help you actually do your shit. Replace them with shit that will Actually Solve Your Problems. ‘I want to do x, that involves learning y. Y seems too difficult for me to tackle right now, it scares the crap out of me, but maybe I can break Y down into something smaller. Maybe I should find someone who knows how to Y and learn from them and their process’

Be kind to yourself as you grow. Be kind to others, and recognize that if they have value to you without meeting your inner bullshit toxic voice’s bullshit mandates, you similarly must have inherent value. That they see you clearer in certain ways than you are able to see yourself. Value that perspective above bullshit toxic voice and its fucking bullshit

[moveslikekeithrichards]

are u a Fast Autistic or a Slow Autistic

fast:

power walks everywhere

always half an hour early to everything

talks too fast

gets assignments done really quick 

1000 thoughts per second

gets meltdowns really fast

constantly moving

slow:

shitty processing

no time management

executive dysfunction out the ass

takes all day to complete a quick task

always shut down or dissociated 

takes a long time to think

slow to reply through text or out loud

or a smooth & creamy combination of the two

[tmitransitioning]

I know that only I can know my gender and that everyone has a different experience, but are there any ways of knowing for sure if I'm trans? I feel like I need some concrete, scientifically proven (or really really well supported) method of knowing before I can accept myself. I've been questioning for roughly a year and I'm fairly sure I'm ftm, but I'm still so scared to take that label and try to live my life 'cause "what if it's really a phase?" hits me on the regular.

We don’t have a brain scan to tell you if you’re trans, but: Wanting to be a different gender is enough. If you want to be a man, congratulations! You are, and every step you take towards that is bringing yourself in alignment with what that means to you.

Cis people do not generally spend a lot of time questioning their gender. I say generally because sometimes, for example, cis women will go “ugh! I wish I wasn’t a woman, because I’m treated so badly as one”, but they don’t go “I wish I wasn’t a woman because being viewed as one is like being viewed as something I’m inherently not”. They don’t usually spend a lot of time stressing or worrying over their gender, and questioning whether or not they’re really trans. The fact that you’ve already come to this conclusion of “pretty sure” means that you are already some flavour of not cis.

But me giving you platitudes doesn’t necessarily help this kind of anxiety. So, instead, here’s a list of questions I asked myself when I was trying to figure out if I was really trans or if I was just going through a phase. For context, when I first realized I was trans, I identified as a demigirl, and this was during the first peak of reactionary “ugh these neogenders”, and the fact that knowing one’s identity is inherently an internal process scared the shit out of me, because I felt like I would always be second-guessing myself. And I felt like if I stopped identifying as trans in the future, I would be playing into the stereotypes about trans people, that we don’t really know ourselves. So, I asked myself:

When someone calls me a girl or a woman, how do I feel?

When someone calls me the gender label I’m questioning, how do I feel?

When someone calls me she/her, how do I feel?

When someone calls me they/them, how do I feel?

If I feel bad about being called she, or a girl, do I feel bad because I think they are viewing me with misogynist stereotypes, or because of another feeling I can’t label?

When I think about being “mistaken” for the gender I’m questioning, does the idea that someone might view me like that on first impression make me feel good or bad? Does it make me feel scared because I’m afraid of how people might react if they find out I’m “really” a girl?

If I hypothetically decide that I am the gender I’m questioning, and I look at previous times in my life where people have called me a girl/she/cute/feminine/etc., does my reaction at those times make sense with this new context?

When I see other trans people being out, how do I feel? Do I feel jealous? Do I feel afraid, and is that fear because I’m scared for them? Do I want to be part of their community? Do I want them to notice me?

When people comment on things about me or my body that they think are feminine, how do I feel? Do I feel repulsed? Does it make me upset? Does it make me just feel weird inside? Does that feeling change if it’s a stranger versus someone I know?

Usually, when we worry about something about our gender being a phase, it’s either a fear of conforming to stereotypes or a fear of being invalidated. Sometimes, if we have previous relationships where we’ve been routinely invalidated or put down, it’s also a fear of opening ourselves up to more of that. Those fears are rational. I hate describing fears as irrational, and in this case, you are worried about things that, for you, are real and salient threats.

But:

Stereotypes about the trans community, including that we’re going through “phases” or that we’re in some way delusional, are the product of transphobia, and not our fault. Just like how a butch lesbian fitting some stereotypes does not justify those stereotypes existing or being levelled as part of homophobia.

Even if we do turn out to have been going through a phase, that’s okay. If we are part of the incredibly small percentage of people who decide later on that we’re actually cis, that’s okay, and we know more about our experiences of gender as a result.

Other people invalidating us cannot touch our internal experiences.

Someone else exercising power to invalidate or hurt us because of our gender is because of their transphobia, and not because of anything we did.

You also don’t have to do this all at once. You can go as slow as you feel, and you can do trial runs. You can try calling yourself a boy or a man in your head for a day, or a week. If you have sympathetic friends, you can ask them to call you he for a day or a week, or use a different name. You don’t have to come out all at once, and you’re allowed to test things out before you feel sure enough to do those things long-term.

- Mod Wolf

[andthenweloved]

my breasts: *exists* me: rude

[andthenweloved]

update: they’re gone now! rudeness removed. banned and blocked forever.

[haiku-robot]

update: they’re gone now rudeness removed banned and blocked forever

^Haiku^bot^9. I detect haikus with 5-7-5 format. Sometimes I make mistakes. Save food. Save food. | PayPal | Patreon

[andthenweloved]

omg bless

[voidfort-deactivated20191111]

if youre a trans guy and you loved mulan as a kid congratulations shang succesfully made a man out of you

[ithelpstodream]

[officialaudreykitching-deactiva]

‪Getting your life together and creating the reality you truly desire includes a level of self honesty most people would rather avoid. Self work equals self mastery.‬

[lllorona-deactivated20190720]

I made a master doc for questioning lesbians! Http://goo.gl/UAnsyU

[lllorona-deactivated20190720]

Ive been told the link is broken so here’s an alternative one: https://docs.google.com/document/u/1/d/1_rXtPxNf3YaFJ9BhnmolUSoBisDsc69Zv2X42LEoSMc/mobilebasic