serious saturday: abusive subs
This is the post where I was going to put some cute story of my experiments in kink recently, but I’ve got nothing. Instead I’m going to give you the super duper fun alternative and talk about abuse. Specifically, I’m writing this because I was abused in a kinky relationship as a domme.
Abusive subs exist, make no mistake, and while our awareness of abusive tops is rightly higher, it’s important that we’re able to spot it from the other side too, because tops are people and tops can be vulnerable. Many resources on abusive partners focus on them having a ‘dominant personality’ and that can give you a knee-jerk “oh, not me then”. But it’s more complex than that.
(If you’re liable to be triggered by this I suggest you stop reading now and maybe go look at the aftercare tag or something.)
So, a non-exhaustive list of ways subs can exhibit abusive behaivour within, alongside, and very frequently disguised by their submissiveness:
Claiming tops don’t need safewords. We do. This is a lie. A sub that ignores your safewording is ignoring your consent.
Complaining when you end a scene for your own well-being. Subs get away with pressuring more because they do need to express their desires clearly; however, it turns ugly when you start being treated as a means for them to get what they want, rather than a person with your own needs.
Turning power play into blame. By giving up control of a scene, nasty subs can claim they’re not responsible for their feelings and actions because you were supposed to be running the scene. This can lead to you being made to feel solely responsible for any retaliation, including anger, pressuring, and also even assault, which often leads to…
Victim-blaming via tease and denial. AKA “It’s not my fault, you teased me too much, I couldn’t help myself.” If a sub forces you to do something you didn’t want to do, saying it was because they were teased too much is basically “you led me on” in a kinky framework.
Conflating topping and abuse. One of the most harmful things in my experience is when a sub claims that they’ve been abusive out of a scene in retaliation for what you did to them consensually in a scene. This is an attempt to justify abusive actions with “well, you did it to me in bed”, displaying a disregard for the key difference: consent.
Consent gaslighting. I hesitated to put this one in but it may happen that a sub tells you they didn’t consent when they did, or that they safeworded when they didn’t. They may tell you that you “should’ve known” they were withdrawing consent even though they didn’t safeword. This is a very difficult one to navigate but the important thing to note is that if the sub isn’t interested in helping you avoid this in future, they are being manipulative. It’s the responsibility of both parties to ensure full and enthusiastic consent is upheld.
Forced exhibitionism, or otherwise not respecting scene drop. This is something anyone can do. A sub that tries to create a scene in an inappropriate context is ignoring your boundaries, whether it’s in front of friends or family, or trying to continue getting you to top them when you end a scene. This can be relentless, exhausting and disorienting. A particular danger with subs doing this in public is that it can seem like you’re the one instigating and they’re just the ‘helpless victim’. This can also involve…
Making those around you to believe you are abusive. This can be when a sub allows their play injuries to be noticed and commented upon, but refuses to admit they were dealt consensually. They may also tell others things you’ve said to them in a scene without the context. This is an isolation tactic and one that deliberately exploits cultural perceptions of BDSM.
Encouraging top drop. Top drop is being encouraged when you have a sub who refuses to reassure you, or actively tries to make you feel guilty/insecure/upset about what was done consensually in a scene. This can range from calling you a pervert to insinuating you’re a bad, dangerous or unstable person because of your kinkery. Subs who shame or make fun of you for dropping are also being awful.
Exaggerating your kinks to you. A minor thing but arguably gaslighting, be wary of a sub who redefines your own kinks. E.g. if you say you enjoy spanking for its noises, and the sub calls you a sadist who wants to punish them, they’re trying to overwrite your view of yourself. If the way your sub describes your kinks to you is inaccurate, and they persist despite correction, it’s okay to feel uncomfortable and projected-upon.
Like I said, non-exhaustive list constructed from common sense and, occasionally, experience. It’s also completely possible that a sub can be perfect within a scene and an abusive piece of shit out of it. But I hope – fear, but also hope – that people can be more aware after reading this, and perhaps better protected.
