*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧traumacore*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

₊˚・︶꒦︶꒷︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶꒷꒦‧ ₊˚・

[hysteriasgarden]

trauma focused blog, mostly traumacore and medcore aesthetic

[deathless-dreams]

Thank you for your partecipation.

[theperksofneurodivergency]

“Emotional abuse works like this: You are screamed at, and then, not knowing any better, you stand up for yourself. You think this is a way of being strong. You think this is a defense tactic.But this only provokes more screaming. Going silent provokes more screaming too, but usually it keeps the threats to the minimum. It keeps it just at screaming and not: a shove down the stairs, or order to pack your stuff and get out. So you learn how to go silent. How to play dead. How to cry without making a noise. How to swallow noise. How to wipe your cheeks, get out of the car, and go about your day. You learn. And when the screaming has stopped, when the two of you are in the car or out to dinner and they’re all smiles, all asking for favors, all questions, you are still hurt and annoyed and want to ask them, how? How can you speak to me like that? How can you pretend you did not say those things? How can you have forgotten? But you’ve learned. So you listen to, “Can I borrow your key”s and “how was your day”s and you play dead. You swallow the noise. And sometimes it doesn’t matter who is speaking to you, it doesn’t matter if they’re a friend, it doesn’t matter if their criticism is constructive, it doesn’t matter. You’ve learned. Any sort of speaking, any raising of the voice, any insult and you play dead.”

— Good Girl, Lora Mathis (via lora-mathis)

[lelarmoyante]

all i want is to go home, but i dont know where to find it

[brokenlegsandbrokenhearts]

i know im so stupid for wanting to be loved

[neopet-a-day]

[neopet-a-day]

[ojibwa]

[bakedbabyd0lll]

[sunlit-mess]

Can't catch a break, but even if I did- I don't think I'll be able to either.

[overthink]

Ania Klosek

[neurodivergentaf]

it's so wild when your parent changes when you become an adult. my dad is very cordial and non confrontational - he regularly helps me with adult stuff like changing the oil or providing insurance tips. he's always smiling when i call him on video and providing jokes when i complain about college

when i was a kid, i would have to tiptoe around his anger issues often, sometimes running quietly past his work table until he got his own place completely separate from our family, locked away for days. every so often he would start screaming in the car and trying to hit me or my brother for talking too loud while my mom attempted to calm him down as he swerved on the road. and now he, smiling, helps me with car insurance.

like oh, this is just who you are when you have power over someone, and this is who you are when you dont have power over someone. no wonder you can have a normal life, friends, work while scaring the shit out of your kids and wife. i see it now. i see why no one would have believed me. that, i think, is one of the core fears of trauma - seeing the outside of it from the perspective of other adults that brushed you aside, and understanding. of course, that understanding gives the opposite of solace; it just gives you more grief with nowhere for it to go

[fehck]

[alisbackonair]

I love helping people. I love being helpful. It makes me important and useful! They can’t possibly leave/replace me so easily if I have some use to them. And it makes their perception of me positive :) so I build a good rapport. Everyone’s more likely to love me and look up to me. And if I’m in a predicament, they’re more likely to come to my aid. So much benefits for keeping up this mask.

Drawback is that I can’t be my authentic self, especially if people have befriended me for the mask version. And being nice to people who genuinely piss me off—it would be nice to just let go and go off on them. But that would risk screwing up my image (unfortunately).

On one hand, they love me and think highly of me! On the other hand, they don’t actually think that of me. They love me for who they think I am: the perfect personality that I have slowly crafted over the years. But when they see me for who I really am? Suddenly they no longer love me—it’s as if they never did. I am the object of contempt and disgust. Even if my intentions were good, I am seen as a pest—an infection—a virus.

It all falls apart and they all drift away as if they never knew me. Once I am no longer perfect I am no longer worthy of their “love”. How can anyone be as foolish as to consider that “empathy” and “unconditional love”, when the main condition is that I become whatever they want me to be? It’s all conditional if you ask me. One wrong move, one negative emotion—and suddenly I’m irredeemable scum. I’m not allowed to be upset or agitated, or else I may “scare them” or set them off. I have to carefully choose how I present myself, yet they can do whatever they want to me? They get to pick and choose who is worthy of their “empathy”, yet I must always have altruistic intentions when being nice to people? Oh, how unconditional their love is..

[furiousgoldfish]

When you grow up neglected the tolerance for abuse gets high, because if someone just looks at you twice and says 1 nice thing, that's already more than your parents did for you your whole life. You feel unworthy and indebted and any shitty thing they do later is excused because you worship the fact that they gave you attention. They are now a 'special person' who pays attention to you, something that is rare and invsluable in your life.

Even if the attention is abusive, you can end up feeling grateful because to someone starved for it, being ignored can feel worse than anything else. Knowing abuse will be mixed with attention can work like a drug on your system and you can't resist.

Neglect makes you feel like you're not worth anything. Abuse then tells you, if you endure enough pain, you might deserve to be worthy of attention for few precious moments. And it just happens that to neglected people those moments are worth everything.

[polyhedric-dimension]

Who are you when you're not performing?

[feelingsoftheday]

i went from explaining myself to just saying “okay” cause it’s a waste of time