I Am Only @i-am-only - Tumblr Blog

I Am Only Clueless.

I don't know what to do.. :/ I broke up with my boyfriend. And now I'm doing what I want to again.. but that's really not all it's cracked up to be. And spending time with him at his house.. just us... I mean it's better than all that. And now he knows that I'm going to do what I want... I just... I'm having those missy feelings -_- Bohemian Rhapsody just came on hahaha

I Am Only A Teenager

I am a teenager. I want to have fun and do what I want. Have friends freely. Today I broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year. I've been trying to convince myself to for a week and I finally did it. I don't feel pain or hurt. I cried alittle. But that's just natural. I was letting go. But he can't let go. I know exactly how he feels because he mind fucked me more than 20 times doing the same thing. Except he was never serious. I'm serious. As I've said before I lie ALOT. And he's the person I've lied to more than anyone. ANd I liked it. That's why it needed to end. We both just weren't real. Everything we were was a lie. He thinks it's worth it to change.. I don't. because we'll both never change. He did it with three other girls. I did it with everyone I know. So we're just going to magically stop for eachother? No. But he still woln't let go. He controlled me. But its not entirely his fault. I let him. I went out of my way to make him think it was okay. Then I lied about it. He went out with another girl when he was with me. But I let him. Because he would've done it anyway, I told him it was okay. I let him believe that I liked sex alot more then I did and when it got to the point where I could barely stand how much it hurt I just let him believe I liked it because he wanted it. It was my fault. Everything was my fault. But I know it'll never work. So I had to end it. Right now... It's sick but I'm feeling happy for the attention he's giving me. More attention he ever gave me when we were together. I woln't get back with him. Never ever.

I Am Only Weak

I know I am weak. You don't have to tell me. I know. I lie to the one I love because I'm too weak to confess how I really feel. I'm too weak to stand up for my friendships. I'm too weak to stand up to people who want to judge me and the ones who are important to me. I think of the things I could say, things to stand up for myself and others.. but instead I lie and stay silent... why do I do these things to myself? I'm not a real person.. I have problems. -_-

I Am Only Discriminated

I may have a boyfriend who doesn't fit others molds of a good man. He has multiple flaws that would call deal breakers for many women. But not me. I am sticking to the one I love. I do love him. No matter how much bad shit I have said about him I love him. Now where does it say anywhere on my face that you can judge my character for that? Where did you read that staying with a person who has made mistakes makes her a bad person? Or a bad friend? I am neither I can tell you right now. And if anyone who wants to judge me for it does, I'm fine with it. Its yours and the person you've dedicated your insults fors loss. You say you can't help me? I didn't ask you for your help. You say I have mental issues? Its really none of your concern. But for you to ban me from someone's life because my choice in relationship.. well, there's only one thing I have to say to you. Go to hell. I won't be victim, as you so called me, to your ridiculous comments about how I have no backbone or self respect. I have respect enough for myself and for you not to spew insults over the internet to a person who is only concerned for a friend. The conversion wasn't about me. You personally made it about me. "Must be nice" to really put a teen in her place. I really learned my lesson from you. You say I need help take a look at your own life. Your choice in relationship. Your choice in parenting. Looks to me your making some GREAT choices. Think twice to realize that not only you are a hypocrite, but you're wrong. About me and about the person I am.

I Am Only She

She was a child once. Gleefully she laughed at odd objects, finding joy in somewhat ordinary things. In everythings. Things that "normal" people saw no interest in. Infact saw it as quite annoying or strange. She was an odd child once, but she was happy. The older she became the more odd she seemed, yet she never wanted change. Immature was one word. ADD was another. Still she never saw why she had to be labelled. Was it such a terrible thing to keep her childlike facade? To stay innocent and find joy in everyday accounts? It must have been because acceptance was the last thing she ever found. The last feeling she ever knew. Pills were forced down her throat. Experimental drugs and treatments were required for her "sickness". Her impairment. For years she was dead to the world, spent half the time comatosed in class unable to keep conscious, and the other focused on the smallest noise in the room. She could here mice in the ceiling, tip toeing on the pipes. Side effected to no end. No one ever asked if she wanted this. No one ever cared what the results were. They only ever told her,"It will benefit your future." No one ever asked. If they had the answer would have always been "no..." Her innocence is now lost. Her imagination is stolen. Her creativity is stifled. She is gone. What's left is a "normal adult" who looks at a child and thinks "How immature"........

darkmoondeath

Anchor - Navy Blue Baby Onesie ❤ liked on Polyvore

i-am-only

Aww haha I can't stop

I am only thinking about babies too much

…I have a serious problem. I cannot stop thinking about having a child. And of course I know I’m an idiot for thinking this way, but I can’t stop feeling that I was built to be a mother. The late nights I spend awake. The immunity to stress I’ve built up. I thinking about it. Wanting it to happen. Pressing out my belly making myself look pregnant. I’ve picked out names. I’m not saying it will happen. And I’m not saying I’m fully mature enough or capable enough. But I can’t stop thinking about it. Wanting it with all my heart.

No matter what you do to feel whole, pieces of your being have already been lost never to be found. We will never be whole again.

Pain, agony, misery, deception. All traits of every souls heart aches. I am only one of billions to sin the size of pain.

The lovers thorn rip though our hearts like razors leaving us helplessly weeping. Yet without pain we'd all be lost.

A girl who's soul is stolen has lost her identity forever.

Only when you're awake can you hide from your nightmares.

I Am Only Tainted

If you've ever seen the second peter pan.. that's how I feel. A child who's grown up. Knowing there isn't innocence to be found in the world. That I can't believe in happiness anymore. That I can't believe in fairy tales. Yet I chase them like fireflies. Trying to catch the light that burns.. but always goes out just when you're about to catch it. I want to stay young. Not for the beauty but for the innocence. I'm so broken. So scarred. So starved. So mutelated. So used. So lied to. So manipulated.

I Am Only Misunderstood

I lie. I lie alot. I lie to people who matter to me. I lie to people who don't. I lie because everyone in my life has lied about me.. and I adopted their lies. And then I never stopped lying. I don't think anyone could ever truly understand me because I will never truly open up to a person. I hate myself for lying. I hate myself because I don't know who I am. Theres something about lying, when you can't remember what really happened because you've never remembered it the way it was. Like replacing your past with false memories. and it works because false pieces fit and people believe you. But what happens when you loose yourself.. like I have. I'm 5 different personalities. 4 different bodies. 3 different minds. 2 different faces. I want everyone to know, on tumblr I'll be truthful. I will not tell a lie. Ask me any question I woln't lie. And even though I lie, I only lie about myself. I don't tell peoples secrets. I'm not a bad friend. And I'm not a bad person. I've just never accepted who I was. I am sick. I am a broken person. I will never know who I am. Except that the only thing that makes me strong is my ability to erase the past. Eradicate insecurities. Crush my demons with lies. Kill my soul. It's how I survive, but it's also my demise. Don't let yourself fall. Know who you are. Because it kills to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself.

I Am Only Alittle Annoyed

I dislike my 5th period teacher. Not because she's mean to me, but because she is immature. She praises friday for the fact that she doesn't have to see us. I get it. Work is stressful. It's hard dealing with us teenagers especially most of us in your class. But c'mon. You act like a teenager dancing and telling us how GREAT the weekend is. You sound like one of us. And you wonder why you get no respect in our class. You're not our friend. You're there to teach. You can barely do that. With a question every other sentence in the book we're reading. We don't read enough at a time to understand what we're reading. And on Live grades there are absolutely no percents for my grade. Theres simply A. You may think I'm ranting but I actually care about what my grade actually is. And what I could do to help it. You're too lazy to even put in proper grades for your students.

I Am Only Fucking Pissed. Only Alot.

Fuck You!!!! Fuck EVERYTHING you've ever said to me you lying bastard. You think you're slick. You think you can isolate me so I can't find out what a hypocritical snake you are. You're not the only hypocrite here though you dick. I may have my own agenda but mine is to keep me sane!!!! Yours is to keep me locked out. Yes innocent but only innocent to your vulgarity! Your LIES!! YOU FUCKING LIED!! And you lie to me AGAIN and AGAIN!! You don't even want me to fucking smile at people while you talk about USING ME to get into OTHER FUCKING GIRLS PANTS!!! You think you're funny? You think I'm a good punchline to a joke? Mother fucker I'll rip your heart out!! I'll rip it open with my bare hands! I'll watch you suffer. I'll watch you bleed out. And you think this is a metaphor. You messed with the wrong fucking psychopath.. You thought I was cold by ignoring you.. I'll show you what cold is piece of shit. I'll show you fucking cold.

I Am Only Alittle Damaged

No one knows this.. but it's time someone did. I never intended to tell anyone. After all it would cause more problems than necessary and I'm not one to enjoy conflict... But I can't hold it in any longer. Thankfully, the ones involved will never know so I woln't hold back. I was a child once. I remember it was 7th grade that My step mother moved in with her two sons, on 17 and one 12. I think I was either 12 or 13 at the time. I didn't have boobs. Infact I was extremely small and looked 4 years younger than I actually was. I was insecure. I was weird. When they moved in my father had just put a thin layer of dry wall to separate my brothers and my room. It was 3 boys in an extremely small room. Their room was square my room was L shaped and from my bed I couldn't see the door. One night, two weeks after they moved in I was wearing a new pink skirt, or maybe white.. white or pink I don't remember, and I was so happy because I never get new clothes. So I wore it all night. I was dancing in it, I thought I was so cool. I planned to sleep in it so I could wake up early and walk to school in it the next day. I did that alot. Wore my clothes to bed. That night when I was up late, really late like I was every night, I heard a door, not my door, open. So I sprinted to my light and superman'd into my bed. I did that a lot because at my moms house she'd check that I was asleep alot. That never happened at dads though because our rooms are in the attic. So I was laying there.. and my door opened. I couldn't see my door and all my lights were off, but I knew it opened. And squinting I saw a phone light, very dim, dart across my room. I heard my door close and the light came around the corner. I kept my eyes shut incase it was my brother responding to the noise I make at night. But it wasn't. I was my 17 year old step brother, although I didn't know that at the time. I didn't look at him and it was dark. He shined his cellphone in my face. I kept my eyes shut, pretending to be asleep. He then scoped over me with it. He raised my blanket and laid it at the end of my bed. I was face down with my face looking away from the wall towards him but not enough to see him. I remember him picking up my legs and extremely gently spreading the apart. Even still I didn't move. I didn't know what I could do so I just laid as still as possible. I was wearing a skirt.. so it was easy. I remember him struggling to get my underwear off. I guess he didn't thing through before spreading my legs. So he just kind of.. moved them to the side. He stuck his fingers inside me. I don't know how many.. I just know it hurt. He had really fat hands and I was a virgin. It could've been one. But for a little he just felt me. And my face got hot. And I was sweating. And I was paralyzed. But then he started... I hate the word thrusting.. but thrusting.. his hand in me. And then I heard him. I didn't know what he was doing at the time. but now I know that he was jacking off next to my bed. While he was doing that to me. It went on for about 10 minutes but it felt like an eternity. The entire time I never moved. I never made a sound. When he was finished his.. stuff was all over my bed. I remember him saying "Oh shit" and wiping it off with what I'm guessing was his shirt.. He left without even checking my face again to see if I was awake. He left quickly and I even heard through the thin wall him getting back into his squeaky bunk bed. I couldn't move for an hour. I laid there face down blank. I didn't cry. I didn't get up. I felt nothing... When I finally got up I went downstair and tapped on my dads door. it was the lightest tap.. I didn't want him to hear it. I was scared he would yell at me for being awake.. (I just started crying really hard sorry if things get choppy) so I went in the kitchen, it's the coldest place in the house and I sat in a corner and ate cold spinach with lots of salt. I thought. and I cried. When I was done my spinach I threw away the can and I tiptoed back upstairs. I got into bed. And I fell asleep. The next morning My dad woke me up. Like he does every morning because he had to drive me. My step brother took the bus. By the time my dad woke my up he usually would be gone, but dad woke me up early. I came down stairs and I looked at him. He smiled at me. I knew then he didn't know I was awake. I almost cried looking at him. But I didn't. I asked him one question. "Thomas.. Why were you in my room last night?" No one even batted an eyelash for me. no body stopped or thought it was strange. He responded even though you saw that look on his face he said "I uh.. I heard a loud noise on your wall I thought you fell out of bed or hit your head on the wall. I was awake so I was just checking on you." I didn't say anything more. Dad drove me to school. And I didn't say anything. I went to all my classes and I didn't say anything. I came home to my moms house.. and I never said anything. Never..

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