I, Me, We

I'm awkward and nervous.

[i-me-we]

I'm alive.

[i-me-we]

[i-me-we]

Sup (6/29/14)

So. Everything went according to plan, I guess. With the exception of quitting smoking (still working on it; buying an e-cig today, actually), and working out (no free time).  I actually forgot I even had this blog. I am a completely different person. When I think back to what I did, I'm amazed at how easy it is to manipulate your consciousness so drastically. 

I'm happy now. I'm 100% happy. There's still some things that are kind of shitty, but I like where I am right now. 

There are a couple downsides I've noticed to "rebooting" yourself:

You can't remember anything.

I am a completely different person now than who I was before all of this. That being said, it's getting harder to hold onto my memories, especially recent memories (like in the last year). I'm honestly not sure if my memory is actually getting worse, or if i've always had a horrible memory and I just don't remember having a normal memory. I need to go back to my therapist and ask about that.

You have to relearn simple stuff

Mainly social stuff. I had a hard time at first. It may have been from locking myself in my room for close to a month and not talking to anyone, or it might be when I was manipulating my personality, I fucked some shit up. It was probably a little bit of both. I sort of had to "relearn" how to interact with people. I knew how I used to interact with people, but it wasn't really compatible with my new personality? I don't know. I'm not going to think on it too hard; I might not be as stable as I think, and I don't want to risk messing things up.

Anyway, I'm glad I did this. I got to change myself to be exactly who I wanted to be. I'm finally focusing on my career in music, and I'm happy with myself. I have had no symptoms since before, no depression, minimal anxiety, etc. Everything is great. 

I'll make one last post describing the process in which I made a new me sometime soon. 

I guess that's it. Thanks for reading, I guess. It's been fun. Enjoy my new tattoo.

Bye. <4

[i-me-we]

4/6/14 9:03PM (Personality Manipulation)

So if I'm actually going to do this, I need to decide what aspects of myself to get rid of, and which to keep. While i'm messing around in my brain, I might as well make myself exactly how I want to be. I'm going to actually like myself! I'm excited to do this.

Desirable traits:

awesome

social smoker

productive

confident

good communicator

physically in shape

emotionally responsive

mentally stable

focused

empathetic

friendly

Undesirable traits:

smoker

lazy

schizoaffective

depressed

unstable

un-relatable

un-empathetic

unhealthy

tired

loner

So starting tomorrow, I will start working out, completely thinking positive, etc. I will be focusing on the new traits I wish to develop. I'm removing anything that could be possible triggers (including friends/people/places). I don't know how successful this experiment will be. I'm not sure if I will be logging my progress on here or not. Either way, please wish me luck! I might be about to cure my schizophrenia.

Now I'm going to enjoy the last night as my shitty self. I'm going to sit here and get high and stuff my face with candy while Netflixing until 2AM. RIP, me.

[i-me-we]

4/6/13 8:45 PM (Thought Experiment??)

So. It's been an eventful month. I can't explain it, but through months of observation, I have sort of located the place in my consciousness in which my symptoms are occurring. I found that I have some power over this. I can't make the hallucinations go away, or change their intensity, but I can change what they are. So instead of hearing crazy people screaming at me to kill myself, I can change it to music. 

It's like having a lucid dream, where you tell yourself the next song you are going to write will be playing in the next room, and then you hear it. It's like that.

For a while, I thought all of my problems were gone, and it was actually helping me write music. It was like I had super powers. But then I realized I had to concentrate on the music or it would change back to the voices. So that made it impossible to have a conversation with someone, or even use my sense of hearing. It was like constantly having headphones playing music that you could never take off. This was a problem.

I was thinking, obviously I have some power over this. I can change my auditory hallucinations, and I can see visuals on command. It's like having super powers. So if I can completely change what they are, in theory, i should be able to get rid of it.

I got myself into this mess by literally thinking myself insane. I think I can think myself out of it to. I feel like I finally have a firm grasp on reality. Thought processes can be manipulated. My symptoms lie within my thought processes. My symptoms can be manipulated/gotten rid of.

Thought processes are pretty much habits. So this Schizoaffective bullshit is just a crazy habit (pun not intended). I have been thinking on this over the last week, and have decided to completely changing my thought processes. 

This means a schedule, new hobbies, new habits, new opinions, a new personality. It's doable. It will take a whole lot of work, but it will be worth it to not be constantly drugged and sleeping my life away. I am going to do this.

[i-me-we]

3/16/14 1:09PM

I have experienced close to 0 symptoms in the last 2 weeks, without medication. I've been busy, creative, and productive. Since I believe I have found my purpose (electronic music and videography), I have experienced almost no symptoms recently. Could it have really been that easy?

[i-me-we]

(3/9/14 11:17:PM)

I have been so busy, it's insane. Been filming music videos every weekend and working on music and school bullshit during the week. This is the first time i've had a chance to just kick back and relax.

My medicine got changed from 150mg Seroquel to 15mg Abilify. I'm not sure it's working correctly. I'm seeing weird colors and flashes in my perephrials, as well as a low ongoing droning sound. Plus I just feel weird in general.

I have been on it for 4 consecutive days, and I'll probably discontinue taking them tomorrow, and go back to Seroquel. That worked a little better, even though it sedated me so much. 

I will continue updating this for the time-being. I will fill in important events over the last two weeks.

[i-me-we]

(2/26/14 10:54PM)

Still alive

[i-me-we]

(2/15/14 5:59PM) 

[i-me-we]

(2/15/14 5:29 PM) Medicine/V-Day

I have been un-medicated for the last 3 days, and surprisingly it hasn't been that bad. I'm experiencing auditory hallucinations again, and I had a tactile hallucination last night (bugs), but other than that nothing too catastrophic has happened.

I had a pretty good Valentine's Day. Female came over and visited and we ate chocolate and watched movies and listened to music. She did take up a surprising amount of space on the bed considering how small she is.

I picked up some ore Seroquel samplers today so I can be not crazy while I wait for my psychiatrist to get back to the office and write me a new prescription. Hooray.

[i-me-we]

(2/11/14 12:58AM) Graph2

[i-me-we]

(2/10/14 1:18AM) Graph1

[i-me-we]

change is evil

So up until now i've been labeling my posts as :     (D/MM/YY HH:MM) [Entry Title]. I will now be trying to post two types of posts daily. One will the normal journal entry (that's what I've been posting up until now), and one will be a graph containing the date, the nuber of psychotic instances i had experienced that day, and the level of severity. I started writing this down sometime last week, and there's finally enough data to make a neat graph. It's kind of cool.

so journal entries will look like this: (Journal entry MM/DD/YY HH:MM) [Entry Title].

and the graph posts will just be a picture of a graph. 

I am posting this so I will be reminded to do it when I look at my thing.

[i-me-we]

(2/10/14 12:42 AM) This is probably going to be like 17 pages

So. This weekend was cool. I went over to my cousin's apartment and hung out. I spent the night, then came home, and she spent the night over at my house. We went and saw a movie and played musics.

THEN! My internship dude texted me and invited me to the studio to hang out and watch the Villebillies record a new song. It was AWESOME. I met everyone and hung out and had a couple drinks. BUT HOLY SHIT! I FREAKING HELPED AUTOMATE A LOW-PASS FILTER ON ONE OF THE BANJO TRACKS ON A SONG THAT'S GOING TO BE RELEASED BY SONY'S RECORD LABEL AND BE PLAYED ON THE RADIO. I am pumped.

In other news, I'm slowly becoming even more batshit insane. This bump on my head has been bothering me for about 7 months. It appeared right when I started experiencing symptoms. It kept bothering me and I kept having paranoid delusions about it, so tonight, I cut it off with a pair of scissors.

This wasn't a small bump either. That thing bled like a motherfucker. Hopefully I will experience less anxiety now that it is gone.

[i-me-we]

(2/7/14 3:35AM) cannot function without medication

I went the last 48 hours without medication. The reason was I forgot to take it the first night, and the feeling of not being under the influence of drugs felt different, which was an okay change. Unfortunately I discovered that I can no longer function without medication. I experienced severe symptoms (auditory, visual, and extreme psychosis), I was having trouble in social situations, I could not concentrate, and it seems like my body is now dependant on Seroquel XR to sleep. I slept about 4 hours in the last 48 hours. I took a 150mg dosage tonight to ease back into my normal 300mg dosage for tommorow. Feeling emotion is for losers.

[i-me-we]

(2/4/14 11:30 PM) imaginative journal entry title

so. I was 3 seconds in the past all day yesterday, was trying to somehow move my consciousness back to where it was, and nothing was happening. Then he got really really high and laid down on my bed and just moved forward. 

I'm not going to be able to explain it. it was like i moved back to where my consciousness was, but as I was able to do this, I like... saw ahead, sort of. It was weird. Like the rate of time changed.

So now i'm pretty much back to "normal." 

I really don't want to go to class tomorrow. 

[i-me-we]

(2/3/14 12:01 AM) I ran into a door and now I'm living about 3 seconds in the past

So. Yesterday. I went home in Louisville. I was just chilling, watching some movies. I got up to go take my medicine. I was looking at my phone as I was climbing up the stairs, and ran straight into the corner of the door frame. I hit the right side of my head really hard. I fell down onto the ground in the hallway, and something went wrong.

At first I thought I was going to pass out; I felt a little lightheaded and my vision was blurry. Then my mind just sort of felt liked it was bending. Not my brain, but like... my consciousness. Everything just felt like it was made of elastic and bent back for a couple seconds, then it shot back to normal super fast. 

It feels like I knocked my consciousness back. Like the direction. Where as the front of your consciousness is where you are most alert and the back of it is your subconscious. It's like I'm on autopilot of like a 3-second delay. I start to react to events without even thinking about it, and then I actually think about it in the middle of my reaction, and continue reacting. As of now, I'm reacting to everything normally. Or how I would usually react to things. I drove around the campus loop and I can still drive fine.

Just the part of my consciousness that is me is in a different part of my consciousness. 

Am I going to have to live with this? I'm not going to take my medicine tonight to see if it helps. The medicine sort of dulls me out so I want to see what it's like to not be medicated for a day and see if this goes away.

I'm just keeping calm. No need to panic over this. I can do this.