I Never Liked Him

Welcome to my original content writing blog. I post poems and writing exercises among other things. TERFS DNI. No hate. Asks are open. Hang out with me I'm probably bored. 24 She/Her

[i-never-liked-him]

I am always less in love with you. It is a cancer of waxing and waning cares. Feelings of abandonment,  parched and waiting. Closure comes like a siren at night. Disturbing peace, making children cry. Attempts to repair what has already been lost. Alas, the fire engulfed us. Like a smoke alarm, You go off- Whenever you see that I have moved on. See that I am happy and content- to not wait for you to leave her bed. Because what am I- the would-be lover, Compared to the harlot of kings? Fancy yourself a god. It won’t matter when you come home to the ashes of our love.

-I-Never-Liked-Him

[i-never-liked-him]

It’s kind of scary how the color of your eyes disappears when we drink. But then I see it on the edges, and you still feel like home to me. I think it wouldn’t matter if all that was left was black. I just love you. So much. I remember before we were together we tried to convince ourselves it was a bad idea. You said, “We’d just break up eventually anyways.” And I furiously nodded and said, “Oh my God, yes! Finally, someone gets it!” I think that was the moment we sealed our fate. Because now I can’t ever imagine my life without you in it. I don’t ever intend to see what it’s like. You are my life. That means so much more to me than it ever has. I would do anything for you. That is so terrifying because I swore a long time ago that I would never give someone power over me like that again. You know how it ended. But now, I’m not scared of you ever misusing it. I can’t fathom you ever hurting me like that. Sure, we fight. We’re both moody. I think sometimes we could talk a little more. But I don’t think we could ever leave or destroy each other. Please don’t prove me wrong.

-I-Never-Liked-Him

[i-never-liked-him]

I’m writing for a boy (again) who can’t see me- past the overall lines of submission he feeds me. Instead of seeing my veins filled with ink- he’ll bend me over the bathroom sink. (But don’t think that I don’t want it just as bad.) He pets my hair and tells me he loves me- right before he mocks me or tells me I’m pretty. It depends on his mood really. When he’s the cause he watches me cry silently. Too scared of himself to hold me. Sure he’ll break me entirely. (I want him to hold me, every time.) He looks at me and cries about how he’s hurt inside. The fear of me leaving never falls from his eyes. He does some drugs that I’ve heard about, And some that made me bottom out- And it’s hard for me to watch when I still relive the nights I almost died. He’s a taurus, you see, so “the only orders I take are from me.” So stubborn that it’s pointless to try and fight. He’ll just end up closing his eyes. He blocks me out in favor of a coping mechanism he created a long time ago to deal with someone from before my time here. And it’s not that I want to end up with my teeth clenched and tears welling up, I’m just so scared I could see him die right in front of my eyes.

-I-Never-Liked-Him

[i-never-liked-him]

[i-never-liked-him]

[i-never-liked-him]

[i-never-liked-him]

[i-never-liked-him]

What would it be?

Coffee in ten to fifteen?

Your hair will be long, maybe mine will be gone.

Just like when we met, all over again.

You’ll smile real slow,

what a blow

to my ego.

Like I’m the one who can’t let this hate and this pain go.

This is really so-

Don’t underestimate my ability to forgive though.

I think I could,

I would-

I should go.

Please, believe, in me.

I promise I can do and go and see-

Believe that I can do and be and dream

everything you knew I could be.

But, don’t forget that I do.

I do.

I miss your smiles in the mornings,

those drag out fights.

The way you make my heart clumsy, like there’s a match alight.

You’re about to blow up everything we done built.

It’s okay though.

I’ll get on my knees still-

help you sift through this rubble.

You insist-

but, my hand in this demolition still leaves us at O and one.

No rematch please,

we’re done.

(I-never-liked-him)

[i-never-liked-him]

I missed him before I knew him.

Not because he’s forever, he’s not.

I’ve been with forever.

Passed silently in the night.

It was much subtler, didn’t shine quite so bright.

Forever was an eternity.

I lived it all at once.

Forever was the most painful thing; but it’s still all I want.

(I-never-liked-him)

[i-never-liked-him]

If you are an ocean then I am the sea;

really the same thing but, you loved a lake more than me.

A lake can’t love you the way that I can;

pushing and pulling the tides as we dance.

If I am the sky then you are the stars;

we guide all the lost ones, near and far.

If you are the earth, then I am the air.

Both need each other, but, neither aware.

If I am here and you are there-

is there an in between that we could learn to share?

(I-never-liked-him)

[i-never-liked-him]

I live inside a fantasy melded from dreams of that bed.

Broken pastels bleed

on a canvas fashioned from missed chances

and things we left unsaid.

So If I wake in the morning

with a twinge of regret,

I'm sorry.

you'll have to forgive me,

it’s just so hard to live with your memories inside my head.

(I-never-liked-him)

[i-never-liked-him]

We are a fantasy written in the condensation on the mirror.

There, but fading under the harsh reality of air.

Blinking awareness into universes of ideologies long gone.

Scorching in signatures of regrets.

Regretting things left unsaid and unrealized.

Dormancy holding hands with an ironclad lack of courage.

Cowardice breeds failure in the bed of apathy.

Wipe the mirror and watch hope bleed from your reflection.

Your reflection, mine.

Spread across giants’ dandelion planets.

We are nothing; even if we’re everything to us.

Forget regrets and be free in a moment without the chains of distance.

miles are insignificant in the eyes of gods.

What a shame they’ll find devout atheists in us.

(I-never-liked-him)

[i-never-liked-him]

Crawling backwards, we’ll scream in the night-

there’s no point in trying, ‘cause our love was a lie.

We’re a broken facade of a dream we both tried,

and there’s nothing left in the smoke of this high.

The only sound left is the silence, she sings.

Echoes that only know how to say please.

“Please I love you.”

“Please don’t leave.”

Please, oh baby, don’t do this to me.”

This is it,

this is us.

In the end we can say that love meant nothing when faced with a setback.

(I-never-liked-him)

[i-never-liked-him]

There’s a line I won’t cross.

It’s the foot of your door.

It honestly doesn’t feel like home anymore.

(I-never-liked-him)

[i-never-liked-him]

There are just some things that a hit can’t fix,

so a memory that’s as faded as my head still stings as long as it’s sealed with a kiss.

It’s always a joke if regret tastes like your lips;

and the punchline is the hint of bitterness.

You sound like that song you played in the car;

because I remember the beat, but the lyrics are gone.

A nicotine kiss didn’t make up for the nights wasted on regurgitated goodbyes.

I can tie a stem in my mouth and you twist you words just as well.

You always said ‘I love you’ as if it was a lie;

but, the godless desire in me still screams-

“Please, curl into me as if I am the sea, pretend you’re so thirsty that you can’t taste the salt.

Even if you choke when it burns your throat.”

I could die at the altar of your false prayers.

The ones you sent up with me sitting right there.

I can’t help but think that you never loved me, for all the times you begged divinity.

The grace of mythology from men long ago could never even come close to your expectations.

You see,

I am not the girl that you begged me to be.

I am not the planets, or stars, or the galaxies;

And your omnipotence cannot claim me.

I am the God of my own being; and you desired a hollow echo of all that I can be.

(I-never-loved-him)

[i-never-liked-him]

I’ll say cheers by myself,

wait for everybody else.

They’ll be gone before the morning when I could really use the help.

So yeah maybe I’m drunk,

but, he’s still really hot.

He’s still everything I wanted, when I was everything I'm not.

Please don’t misunderstand me.

I’m still happy.

This is all just so confusing.

It’s been awhile since I saw him;

so he’s still kicking around.

My best friend says she saw him looking pretty down.

It’s not my business.

He’s not mine.

His mom still calls to ask if we’re alright.

Maybe it's wrong-

I still lie every time.

“Yeah he’s here, yeah he’s fine,he still crawls in every night.”

I can’t bear to tell her that he’s sleeping in back seats-

probably faded,with a cup of lean.

Last I saw, she was with him.

It still stings,

he chose her over me.

Please don’t misunderstand me.

I’m still happy.

This is all just so confusing.

He wears chains on his neck instead of his feet.

Because,

“If you’re going to try shackles, you might as well hang me.”

And he doesn't understand,

I wasn't making him a slave,

I just didn’t want to find him limp at the end of the day.

He still calls me, when his mind is gone.

Tells me he loves me and I'm all that he wants.

Talks about how much he needs me and that we’ll be fine.

He never remembers in the morning while he cuts another line.

Please don’t misunderstand me.

I still want you to be happy.

It’s just all so confusing after we stopped loving.

I can’t be your shelter from the storm.

I can’t keep you warm anymore.

She probably wants to call me,

doesn’t know what she's done.

Doesn't know how to bring him back when he's this far gone.

She can’t find my number because he hides it so well.

Doesn't realize that he calls me still.

It’s probably easier to just keep supplying and hope he survives the night.

It probably stings when he asks for me.

It probably hurts when he cries in his sleep.

I know it burns when there's nothing in his eyes.

Believe me,

I relive it all the time.

Please don’t misunderstand me.

I’m still happy.

It’s just so confusing when I can’t decide

whether or not he’ll really be fine.

(I-never-liked-him)

[i-never-liked-him]

Then there was beauty,

and she struck me down with an impossible blow that left me scarred and wonderstruck.

Now I’m forever searching for her in all the wrong places.

(I-never-liked-him)