iamellexor

Rox. Art. Photography. Future Arch. ©iamellexor

[socalbeachbabe]

Advice From Some Old People

1. The most important person in your life is the person who agreed to share their life with you. Treat them as such.

2. You might live a long life, or you might live a short one — who knows. But either way, trust me when I say that you’re going to wish you took better care of yourself in your youth.

3. Stuff is just stuff. Don’t hold onto material objects, hold onto time and experiences instead.

4. Jealousy destroys relationships. Trust your significant other, because who else are you supposed to trust?

5. People always say, ’’Make sure you get a job doing what you love!’’ But that isn’t the best advice. The right job is the job you love some days, can tolerate most days, and still pays the bills. Almost nobody has a job they love every day.

6. If you’re getting overwhelmed by life, just return to the immediate present moment and savour all that is beautiful and comforting. Take a deep breath, relax.

7. Years go by in the blink of an eye. Don’t marry young. Live your life. Go places. Do things. If you have the means or not. Pack a bag and go wherever you can afford to go. While you have no dependents, don’t buy stuff. Any stuff. See the world. Look through travel magazines and pick a spot. GO!

8. Don’t take life so seriously. Even if things seem dark and hopeless, try to laugh at how ridiculous life is.

9. A true friend will come running if you call them at 2am. Everyone else is just an acquaintance.

10. Children grow up way too fast. Make the most of the time you have with them.

11. Nobody ever dies wishing they had worked more. Work hard, but don’t prioritize work over family, friends, or even yourself.

12. Eat and exercise like you’re a diabetic heart patient with a stroke — so you never actually become one.

13. Maybe this one isn’t as profound as the others, but I think it’s important… Floss regularly, dental problems are awful.

14. Don’t take anyone else’s advice as gospel. You can ask for advice from someone you respect, then take your situation into consideration and make your own decision. Essentially, take your own advice is my advice…

15. The joints you damage today will get their revenge later. Even if you think they’ve recovered completely. TRUST ME!

16. We have one time on this earth. Don’t wake up and realize that you are 60 years old and haven’t done the things you dreamed about.

17. Appreciate the small things and to be present in the moment. What do I mean? Well, it seems today like younger people are all about immediate gratification. Instead, why not appreciate every small moment? We don’t get to stay on this crazy/wonderful planet forever and the greatest pleasure can be found in the most mundane of activities. Instead of sending a text, pick up the phone and call someone. Call your mother, have a conversation about nothing in particular. Those are the moments to hold onto.

18. Pay your bills and stay the hell out of debt. If I could have paid myself all the money I’ve paid out in interest over the years, I’d be retired already.

19. If you have a dream of being or doing something that seems impossible, try for it anyway. It will only become more impossible as you age and become responsible for other people.

20. When you meet someone for the first time, stop and realize that you really know nothing about them. You see race, gender, age, clothes. Forget it all. You know nothing. Those biased assumptions that pop into your head because of the way your brain likes categories, are limiting your life, and other people’s lives.

[iamellexor]

Wish i could sneak in a puppy in the apartment 🐶

[iamellexor]

I just couldn't think straight for the past days or weeks and this photo doesn't even have to do w anything. Halaman!

[iamellexor]

Locally called "igot", but i don't really know what they are. Some kind of berry.

[iamellexor]

Rainy season has begun. ☔

[iamellexor]

Details.

[iamellexor]

Sadly, I misplaced this artwork *sigh*

[iamellexor]

Constellation of Thoughts

I'm scared I don't know if this is really what i wanted I want this but i'm scared to where this is leading me I'm angry I can't believe you I can't believe you took away everything like it doesn't matter anymore maybe for you but not for me for us I don't know how can i ever forgive you I hate you I hate you with all my heart I hate you I just do I'm suffocating I'm hate pretending that i'm ok i smile but i cry inside you told me to say my thoughts out loud so i don't have to keep them inside my heart all the time and drown with my own thoughts but i already died Now i cant breathe Why am i even trying I hate and love my life at the same time Two strong feelings at the same time I don't know how that's even possible and i'm scared i'm torn i'm broken i don't know where to go I'm being strong enough to keep myself together but i don't know i want this to end i hate my life but i love the idea that i'm living there are still a lot of things to get done and roads to venture on A lot more sunsets to sit with and think and rainy days to fall asleep onto And songs to sing And papers to paint There are still a lot of people to meet and places to see Smiles to put on other people's faces I hate feeling sad But that's when i feel more alive Now this helped me lighten my heart I can breathe now But until when?

[iamellexor]

In all 20 years of my life I’ve lived in 8 different places.

1995, I was born in a small town at the east part of the country. Our house started as a single-storey concrete house with a little store along the Maharlika national road. Across the road is the Pacific ocean where most of my childhood took place. It is a lovely town, where the sunrise kisses you good morning and the sea breeze caresses you at midday. It is a place where most of my life happened.

2000, my parents decided to part ways. I remember it in snaps. It was five in the morning, my mom and my brothers were nowhere to be found, I was standing by the door and I could see my dad talking to a group of men. I recognized a wooden sofa on a cargo truck, our truck. Not just the sofa but also our table, our lamp, beds, drawers, mirrors, that was our whole house on the truck. The next thing i know i was already at the front seat of our cargo truck we call Roxellace (a combination of me and my sister’s name), my big sister at my right side and dad on the driver’s seat and we drove off. The next image is the view of a sea of clouds beneath me. I was on my first plane ride. Next snap, I am already in a strange city, heavy smoke everywhere, cars and jeepneys beeping furiously, and people always seem in a hurry, and there i was in my school uniform, with dad and my sister. Dad enrolled us in a school they call LICS, and right after we enter the gate he always reminds us “Don’t go beyond this gate if it is not me who fetches you, okay?” Months passed, and I remember sitting on a stranger’s lap, asking me how my 5 years of life had been so far, with a bunch of kids in the same uniform i was wearing, then i heard a very familiar voice. My mom’s voice. “Miss Rosales, I came to fetch my daughter.”

2001, I don’t remember exactly what happened, but for some reason i am with my dad again. And this time i came alone. We moved to a new town far far away, in my dad’s sister’s house, who I’ve never met before (well as far as i can remember). She was bald. She had cancer. Whenever i go outside the house, I could see a plane’s butt beyond the fence. My aunt’s house is by the airport! I gasped. The next thing i knew, I was already with my mom and i didn’t see dad for a long time after that.

2003, Apparently i am a daddy’s girl. And yes i am with my dad again. This time we lived in my another aunt’s house in my dad’s hometown, one town away from mom and my siblings. Dad enrolled me to the same school dad went to. It was a really small barrio and the kids were quite "different” and they hated me for topping the class. But i did have a fun and comfortable stay with my dad. Until mom came to get me again. 

2004, Mom decided to move to a small apartment someplace, and got our house rented. We lived there for a year. It was always a struggle going to our old school far from where we moved in but it was okay. We got to spend time with my grandmother who lived in our ancestral house beside our school. And that was our life for a couple of years until mom decided to live in a room she created inside our restaurant, my parents’ business then when they were still together. I never lived with dad ever again. But we got to see him every weekend and summer.

2009, i spent my freshman year in a high school where my older siblings went, until mom decided to move to another place. And this time it was a big move. We built a new house. Started a new life. We rarely see dad this time. And it broke his heart. Our hearts. We lived in a new city, away from dad, a way from my grandmother, away from my friends, away from the place where i grew up, away from the good memories and finally away from the bad ones. 

2013, While my older brother established his young life in the metro and my sister went to college there as well, me and my little brother were the ones left in the city. My mom somehow found a way back in our hometown for a business and only came to the city every weekend to check on us. My grandmother took care of us. But then, a supertyphoon hit us. It was the biggest in recorded history of the earth. Fortunately, dad was there for a conference and he stayed with us. The city was unrecognizable after that. We got no choice but to leave the city. Mom sold our house and went back to our hometown, back to our old house. We lived there for a couple of months.

2014, my little brother decided to go back to the city because he can’t leave his school. He stayed in an apartment with my grandmother there. But i didn’t. I moved here in the metro with my older siblings, and gone for college.

[vegaaskies]

how will I know that it's finally time to give up

when you wake up in the morning and the first thing that you would feel is sadness. 

when it is already affecting your whole being — you become weak, you constantly get sad even if you have reasons to be happy, you just wanna sleep all day, you wish that it’s always night time so you can just stay in bed and tuck yourself til you fall asleep and you suddenly cry when you remember it

when you know that the road you’re taking is already a dead end that you cannot even see a positive aftermath anymore even if you climb over the wall of that dead spot

when you’re just trying to justify the situation even if you know it’s wrong in so many levels

when it is already affecting your goals and you can’t seem to focus on yourself

when you are the only one who’s trying to invest in a relationship that’s supposed to be imbued by two people

[iamellexor]

Dear five-year old self,

Hi. The last time i talked to you was three years ago. Now we’re 20 and well, things are better now, i guess. How have you been doing? I guess everything’s alright? You’re just 8 now.When we were 8, you’ll be leaving mom and your siblings, and go live with your dad in his hometown. Well, things will be pretty rough for you since school’s about to start. You will be adjusting to a new environment, new people, basically everything is new. But don’t worry, hun. You’ll get through it.

You ask why you live w your dad? I don’t know. You’ve been a daddy’s girl ever since. But i guess it will change when you turn 13. But as i told you, don’t worry. Anyway, to tell you honestly, you might get bullied in school. Just don’t forget your manners. Leave them alone and laugh for funny things will happen to you that you will never ever forget. It’s going to be hilarious, so no worries. I won’t tell you though, it’s up to you to make your own memories. Okay, so you’ll be experiencing new things with dad that you wouldn’t probably experience if you were living with mom. It will be fun i promise you. But things will eventually change. Mom will take you away. But don’t worry. Don’t fight it. She’ll give you everything dad couldn’t provide for his own family. Maybe by that, you’ll start to distant yourself from him. It’s going to be sad. But we’ll get over it. I hope.

You might not know what you want to do for college right now, and you’ll struggle. But you will be doing what you love most so please please don’t lose interest on your own skills because that will make us where i am now.

When you reach 18, things will be ugly. It will mess you up. But please don’t give up. Don’t lose your faith. Don’t be scared because eventually things will fall in their right places. Your life will be totally different. But please, just hold on. And oh, you’ll meet someone who will make things better and brighter for you so cheer up! He’ll might not fix things, but he will be by your side all through the next years.

When you reach 20, which is this very year i am writing to you, your mom will be leaving. She’ll go some place where she has to work to fight for you and your siblings to live a good life. A better life. I honestly don’t know what to tell you but i am anxious right now. But i hope things will turn out okay. I just want you to know, that whatever comes your way, always make sure that those things would build your character as a strong, independent and happy person as you’ve always been.

PS Prep up, kiddo. It’ll be a bumpy journey.

[iamellexor]

It just happen that things change, Whether you like it or not You will think that the whole world is hypocrite because everything is just so fucked up right now. All the things you’re asking for weren’t given. All you were working hard for a long time weren’t acknowledged. All the people you cherished the most left you. All the good things and habits just turned into memories. You dont feel happy to the things you do good the most anymore. You are already bored to the same beautiful view from your window. You’re bed seems so little for you now. All the good books are already taken. Your favorite shirt already faded. But that’s how things work in this world. Things change. And that only means you are given a longer life to experience new things. Be grateful. It won’t take long. It’ll change the next second you take a glimpse of the world around you. Stop being a coward because for a long time now you still are. You’re a coward because you fear change. You’re a coward because all you want is comfort in this world. You’re a coward and i hope you change. And yes, i’m talking to myself.

[iamellexor]

In a matter of two years, yes, i have changed. Thanks, self. (This is why everyone should keep a journal/blog. To track yourself.)

[iamellexor]

I've been on my blog for an hour now, rereading, scanning through my photographs and i feel nostalgic all of the sudden. I miss eveything.

I miss Blogging everyday like i used to, years ago. Things have changed since i went away for college, where internet isn’t always free, and school consumes my time 24/7.

I miss my Camera! And who doesn’t fall in love with a 50mm lens! I miss going out for a couple of hours everyday just to take pictures and be free. Come home feeling giddy to update my blog with fresh photographs and tell stories.

I miss having my Thought Book, which is my only friend whenever i’m feeling anxious, happy, excited or sad. Or whenever i just feel like doodling or jotting quotes and feel inspired.

I miss Writing whatever that pops out in my mind and actually feel liberated though not intending to gain much attention since i am not a writer at all, but to just actually unleash my imagination. 

All things come and go, it’s just a matter of time. Sometimes you have to lose some things, those unnecessary ones or even the most important things for you, to make room for better ones that could actually help you grow and learn. There are things i lost. I mean material things, like my camera and the Thought Book (i lost them in the flood) and also habits like writing and taking photographs. I made room for things that matters (for now) like school (which consumes so much of my time since i am an Architecture student and things pretty well get messed up if i don’t prioritize my plates which means never-ending projects and sleepless nights btw) and saving money for my future.

I lost it. I lost myself. I was the kind of a young kid who used to tell people (or tumblr) that ‘go, live!’. I always blog about not losing interest in things that makes you happy, like taking photographs or having a short walk along the neighborhood or travel and meet new people. Yet here i am. Feeling anxious about tomorrow. Having back pains doing plates. Befriending caffeine. I have a camera on my side but i never got to use it for how long?

IDK.

[iamellexor]

May 29 2016, Sunday

I just received a text message from mom. "I got my visa!!" While she may seem happy and psyched for the news, my world suddenly stopped.

We pretty much lived a comfortable life back then. When we need something, we get that the next day. Not that we were spoiled or what. In fact, we never were. We know when to ask, and we know that we can only ask for what we need. Mom provides us everything that we could build our potentials with. And that's how we get our wants. We can have them if we use them in building our character. So basically, we get both.

Mom being a single mother had done so much in her life for making us feel that we can live fully without my father's support. But things began giving us drastic changes in our lives for the past five years that we couldn't catch up with the life we were used to. And so we had no choice but to adapt. We still get what we needed, e.g the things we need for school. My relatives helps us provide for our needs beyond my mom's capacity, and thank God, my father reached out to us (but technically, he reached out to me. He's the one sending me to college now. But mom still provides everything for my siblings.) My two siblings graduated college, struggled getting jobs that could sustain their lives but eventually found their own pace. But not enough to help my mom stand again. So she decided to leave the country for good.

I think i’m not ready. It will be my first time being away from mom. I mean we are islands away now, for i am in college, but the thought that she’s in another country for a very long time is just something i didn’t imagine my whole life. I just wish, really wish, that things will be better for her and for us now. I ask God to please guide her all the way.

I’m sad. But i’m positive.

[hersecretbookclub]

DEEPFRIEDJUPITER.COM’S 4TH DOMAIN GIVEAWAY!

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DEEPFRIEDJUPITER.COM’S 4TH DOMAIN GIVEAWAY!

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[iamellexor]

You guys can hit my inbox anytime alright. I kinda miss answering your questions.. Hi ;)

[iamellexor]

Architecture Guide

It saddens me. Seeing photos of my batch mates, with their silky hair, sparkling eyes, a smile that turns to a smirk, wearing their togas, looking straight at you from your computer screen, kind of telling you: Ha!!

When i was in high school, i started making up this persona where i will become an architect in the future. When i was a senior, people already assumed i was going to take up this course. But things happened, college came, and i got enrolled in Business. And i am not going to tell the whole Business story- on how i ended up there, ‘cause i know i have talked about this my entire stay on that field and i am not going through the pain again. Not physical pain but a suffocating, mental fight between what i want and what others want for me. Actually, it was more on a fight between me and me. I was never pressured by mom, or anyone else, but me. I wanted to be out there. I wanted to chase something i wanted. I wanted to get out the comfort zone and make mistakes. And so i did.

Two years thrown down the memory pit. I started my first year again, but now in Architecture. And to tell you this, I made the right choice. Now i am on my third year. And endless plans are on my head at this moment. My future is clearer now. I don’t know how to tell you this, or how can i make you picture this, but i am happy. 

Architecture. It is indeed a battlefield. But if you’re ready for the fight, victory is yours. Here are some things you might want to know:

1. It is a course of endless migraine. You have to think thoroughly if your design works. It is not a simple drawing of a house. You have to think, and rethink, if your design could withstand all possible calamities; if the users could find their way to where they want to be with ease; are there people with disabilities in the building; do people’s size and height matter; are the corners safe for the children; are the stairs slippery; where does the sun rises and sets; which direction gives you the cool and warm air; will the room gets too bright or too dim; are the colors pleasing enough or does it alter the occupants’ psychological perception of things in any way; is it functional; can a 0.5-meter column support this particular part of the construction-- these questions can go on and on. Believe me. It is not all about drawings.

2. Who says there are no maths! This is a course of Aesthetics + Structural maths. (Aesthetics: Arts & Psychology; Structure: Physics & Math!)

3. It doesn’t end with mere designing. You’ll learn plumbing, electrical wiring, law, history (those are just what i have encounter in my 2 years, and i know there is more). There are also art projects that includes painting, photography and multi-media. There are computer stuff going on too. As well as speech communication!

4. Just like a lawyer, you have to defend all your designs-- All the damn time.   (Why and how your design works) 

5. No sleep. Well, actually this varies from one person to another. It is all a matter of Time Management. If a project is given, then do it right away to not waste any more time. But not at all cases, there are designs that will take you sleepless ~weeks~.

6. Teamwork. There are projects that requires you to design a whole subdivision, then you need big help. So gain hard-working friends. And also, there will be lots of sleep-overs!

7. It is not all about simple layout, if you must know, a single project requires you to make floor plans (with detailed labels, dimensions, materials used, flooring layout, etc), drawings of the front elevations, left-side elevations, right-side elevations, rear elevations, cross sections, longitudinal sections, man’s eye perspective, aerial perspective, site development plans, structural plans and many many more. Imagine if you need this done in 1 night..

8. There is a lot of research needed. It’s not that simple. You might have to write 30 pages of hand-written research papers. Unlucky you if your professors require you a specific “font” you need to practice. There will be case studies of existing structures that you need detailed solutions on how the building was constructed.

9. Not to mention all the expenses. Yes-- especially in making scaled models. You need to buy boards, model cars, people, and trees! Also, everyday plates require you to buy a batch of special papers that is expensive enough to cost you a kidney (kidding!) the worst that can happen is if you make a single ink blot, you have no choice but to start a new one. 

10. Travel. This is the best part. You need to go to project sites to learn first-hand about construction work. You need to visit potential places for your proposals. There might be a lot of “business talk” with officials in order to get some plan layouts of established buildings. You also need to travel very often to stay inspired!

All these things will be easy if you do it with passion. If you give yourself 100% on it. Do you know that feeling that you can finally see your future? That you already made plans and you’re trying to make things work one way or another? Then you start to learn how to save for yourself. You will see a brighter and happier you. And that is, if you follow your dreams. No matter what others order you to do this and do that, if you don’t like doing them, you already lost the battle between you and your dreams.