I have a lot of things to say which I’ve been keeping to myself for a long time now and it’s pretty hard to deal with it knowing I don’t have someone to share it with so okay, this is an attempt to share it here since no one knows that I’m posting a thing or two here.
So here goes something.
I never post something about boys since I had a break up with my previous ex despite he came back months later after the breakup and that was years ago. It was the year 2014 when my last ex and I started to date and he left me for a reason but came back months after because he said that he can’t live without me. Oh well, stupid self gave in and I was happy. Or maybe I was just happy with the thought of being together with him could make me happy or whole so yeah, we continued the relationship. Then, he left me for another damn reason which I think was highly influenced by the consumption of alcohol and of course, I was too dumb and stupid to let him in for the third time around. For the third time, he chose to break my trust, went into a vice I didn’t like and ended the almost 3-year relationship.
For some, they’d think we wasted three years of relationship but I felt like I wasted three years of my time with something not worth investing but oh well, at least, I learned from my lessons. I was happy with the time I had with him but I’m happier without him in the picture. We remained friends, though.
Two years after the breakup, he decided to change for the better, for me, and for the chance of having us back again but as what I’ve said earlier, I already learned my lesson so here I am, still single. Single and failing to mingle which is fine for me in most days but not okay for some days.
I love being single. I love the freedom it has. However, I don’t mean that I’m not free in a relationship. I still have that freedom especially I don’t like being controlled but there’s a different kind of freedom with being single and being in a relationship considering which I’ve been seeing and experiencing with friends for every night out.
I love being single because I don’t have to be in tune with another person all the time but I miss having someone who’s always there for me. I miss having a person to talk to with everything. It makes me lonely that I don’t have someone aside from my mom to share with how my day went by the time I arrive home. I miss having the connection. I miss the sweet cutesy stuff couples do.
So this year when I started working, I decided to entertain any guy who would give any interest with me so I did. Imagine after more than a year, I decided to give love a go but right now, I see myself much more broken than I was before. Maybe because there were guys who I was willing to tear down my walls but ended up either not choosing me because in our case I wasn’t worth the risk, the other one was oh well, I don’t know, he forgot to contact me for a couple of days and maybe it’s also okay not to continue what we had because of the distance and the last, he’s really something but he has already someone else but not official yet.
Then, there’s work to add all the shittiness I’ve been dealing with life. I’m still new in the workforce and I’ve been doing mistakes which of course, I still can count with the fingers of my hand but I felt like a total failure for being a careless human being and it terrifies me that I’d get fired because of it. I like my job. There are days that I love it. However, there are also days which make me want to cry a fuckin’ river for how stupid I am and how inexperienced I am with all of these.
The only thing that brightens up my day would be my best pals from work which I get to spend every spontaneous or planned night out and lunch break. Then, my colleagues from my department started to question why I stopped hanging out with them during lunch time. Let’s grow up! It’s not every day for the whole duration of my stay in the company should I spend with all of them and it’s too unhealthy to even talk about work during the break. It’s called a break for a reason for fuck’s sake.
Okay, I paused typing for a while and wow, I felt good. So I’m going to scream my heart out starting today.
There should be a balance when hanging out with mates and friends but the way my colleagues treat me like it’s mandatory to have lunch with them makes me sad how immature it is. I even told them that I’m just balancing my time spent with them and with the other group. I even told them that I’m not mad at them or something and if I am, I will surely be frank because that’s how I roll my life.
Last night, I slept with a happy face but it quickly escalated to a sad face. I was happy because my crush was sweet to me. He said goodnight with a kiss and that made me smile but then, he asked me when was the last time I was kissed. I also asked him the same question before dozing off and his answer was surely unexpected. He was kissed last week by someone he has mutual feelings with. I know I don’t have the right to be jealous but heck, I was. I was hurt. It felt like a wake-up call that I should stop because it was indeed confirmed that he still has a connection with this girl. It’s sad and disappointing to finally meet someone who I get along with and has the same interests with mine like 95% of our interests and how our brain work is quite weirdly the same but ended up nothing.
I also have a friend who set me up with guys but I’m not interested so they were ignored. When I was on the bus on the way to work, I thought it’s time to take a rest from all the failed flirting which started three months ago and focus again with myself. I also felt that I shouldn’t be in a hurry when I still question every boy who’s interested with me and doubt myself whether I’m ready or not because I think if I’m ready, I won’t even feel one percent of doubt and be 100% absolutely sure. Right? I also thought that I shouldn’t be in a relationship just because I’m sad and miss all the cute sweet stuff every couple does which makes me cringe from time to time, to be honest.
If I’m ready, I hope I’d definitely know and hope that guy would also be 101% sure of me because oh god, I’m tired of playing.
I’m afraid of falling in love. I’m afraid to commit myself to another person and that’s terrible and sad at the same time.
While I was waiting for him to arrive home yesterday, I had a busy night of looking through our old conversation. I was looking for a particular message - his message sharing the names of his exes and as a curious one, I was able to find it and successfully found his former girlfriend on Facebook. While scrolling through her posts, I saw that he still interacts with her but it was totally okay for me until I saw a post of his ex-girlfriend asking her Facebook friends how does she show jealousy and there he was, my person dropped a GIF depicting how. Something like that and that’s it, I felt like I was betrayed and at the same time, hurt.
I’m not the jealous type of person but I always want transparency between a human being and of course, I talked to him about it and he was totally open about the idea of discussing it which made me admire him. He even told me that he never lied to me so far and I’m hoping that it would stay that way.
However, when he was already opening up to me regarding his past relationship, I can’t deny that I felt like backing out and had the urge of pushing him away which is something I’m good at. Fortunately, it went well. He told me that it was already the past and he’s happy for the present because of me. Although a bit sad for he can’t provide much time for me due to the distance and how busy we all are in our day-to-day lives but it wasn’t a huge problem for me because so long as we communicate each other, no matter how brief or long it could be, then, everything is fine with me.
Just this morning it hit me that I am afraid to fall in love. I talk to guys who are older than me and some who are the same age as mine but I haven’t experienced falling in love for a very long time until L came. I still have my walls up but it’s not the same on how high my walls are to him and with other guys. Is it because I like him that’s why my walls aren’t that high compared to the actual walls I built to protect myself?
Everything is still a blur to me but one thing is for sure, talking to him always puts a smile on my face and warms my heart. It seems like we aren’t really that far from each other.
I’m currently at work feeling a little bit down. I have a cold but haven’t gone into its extreme measure. I still can breathe but there’s a slight tickle in my nose that makes me think that it’s totally a cold and today is one of the days that I want to just sleep all day.
So far, I’m not doing anything right now but look for on probable candidates for a new phone to buy. My current phone is still in its good condition. It’s a Nokia 6 and I received it as a pasalubong from my Aunt in UK on Valentine’s day. When I received it, I was totally happy that I got a new phone and the specs are superb but the camera isn’t something I’m satisfied with. If you’re following me on Instagram, my photos are still quite okay but it takes me a hell lot of effort to just have an Instagrammable shot with the use of my phone’s camera so I’m currently saving up for a new one so by 2019, I’m prepared for all the travels that I’m going to do. Also, I’m planning to give my old phone to my mom since she has been eyeing on it since day one. Haha!
The selfie above is the latest one I took and sent to my person. This is kind of surreal and new to me to call a guy ‘my person’ and I don’t even know if he feels the same, though. It’s difficult to identify whether he’s into me considering the huge distance between us but I always hope for the best. If you’re wondering why that’s how I posed for the picture is because he sent me one first with his signature pose which is obviously, the peace sign and it never failed to make me smile.
I spilled coffee on my white blouse and as a neat freak, it’s totally freakin’ me out a while ago but I don’t have a choice to stay calm and just let it be. I can’t wait to go home and catch up with a friend of mine in the bus on the way home, watch the remaining three episodes of The Good Doctor, have a wonderful chat with my person, and rest.
See? I’m letting my thoughts flow here again. Is it good that I’m doing this? Oh, you know, spilling even the smallest life updates. Not that grand but the small day-to-day happenings of an ordinary life.
I’m currently in the office waiting for exactly ten minutes until I get to do one task which I need to tick off from my to-do list. I wanted to write my thoughts on my journal - a journal I’ve been keeping for quite some time now in my personal drawer. It has been weeks since the last time I let my thoughts flow with the use of ink and paper and I’m missing it but right now, I also miss blogging here on Tumblr and let it feel like a diary.
Last Saturday, I opened this account and saw all my old posts. I did the same thing with my drafts and I felt nostalgic and emotional at the same time. Time flew so fast. I’m pretty sure of that and a lot has changed. As cliche as it may sound, people come and go. I dumped plenty of memories here but only today that I was freakin’ sure and decided to let go of all those and start fresh.
I don’t know where will this blog goes but for the present state, I’m using this as a tool to arrange my thoughts. As a confused and chaotic human being, writing has always been therapeutic and I’m loving the moment that I’m actually doing it right now.
I think I’m in love with a guy who’s 1023.78 kilometers away from me. He never fails to put a smile on my face and let me feel good throughout the day. Despite the lack of constant communication due to our busy lives, he always seizes the moment to update me in every possible way he can like sending his cute, hot, handsome, and sometimes awkwardly funny selfies. I have a lot to say about this guy but he deserves another post and I’m pretty sure I’ll do that.
I was wearing a color mint dress and white converse sneakers. I pressed the doorbell and it rang. I was waiting for it that you'll be the one who'll open it, not anybody else. You opened the door and when I glanced it was you. For the first time in forever, we have finally met. I've finally met you.
You were so surprised for I've surprised you with "Happy birthday!" while showing to you my gifts for you. "Are you surprised?" I asked. You replied, "Yeah. Not because you surprised me with gifts, but because you're here and you're now for real. I can touch you now." You hugged me immediately and I felt warm in the inside.
You let me came in to your house. You're the only one living at that house because we were still studying in college though this distance was also a hindrance for us not to see each other but it was also the way that made our friendship stronger.
You opened my presents right away and there was a letter on it. You were teary-eyed because you've never thought that someone would wrote a letter for you. You knew me, I love writing letters and you're so special to me, you're worth the time to write a letter for. You looked at the T-shirt that I bought and good thing, it fits on you. I've never thought that it would fit on you because I've never asked about the size of your shirt.
You opened the other box carefully and it was a cake. "This is too much. You've really prepared for this day, for my day." you said. I smiled and replied, "Of course, I like surprising people."
"So, aren't we going out and roam around the city? Aren't you going to show the beautiful places you've told me?" I asked. You got up from your chair and laughed, "I haven't took a shower yet." I giggled, "That's why you're so stinky." "No, I'm not." "Whatever. Take a shower now. I'll cook spaghetti for you. I brought the ingredients. Remember that I told you that I'll cook for you?" You smiled and I knew that it was yes.
While you were taking your shower, I cooked spaghetti for you but I do hope you'll like it since I used real fresh tomatoes as an alternative of the spaghetti sauce sold in the market. Though I knew you'll consider it since you knew that I'm a health conscious person.
When you were already finished taking a shower and already put on your birthday clothes, yes, "birthday clothes" because it's your birthday, the table was already prepared and you ate my spaghetti and you appreciated my effort in cooking food for you. You wished that your family was with us celebrating your mini-birthday party I have for you.
While eating and laughing with you, the doorbell rang. You opened the door and it was your family. Your family was shocked when they saw me and you explained what's happening. They sat and ate with us. They liked my spaghetti and the efforts exerted just for your big day. They asked me lots of questions about me, about how we've known each other, what's school I'm in, what course I'm taking and lots of questions that made my heart beat faster.
Then, you asked permission from your parents that we're going out. You were surprised that there were three cars parked on the parking lot. You've noticed the other one was your family's car and you asked me if I knew who was the owner of the other car and I answered that it was mine. "You should be the one who'll drive around the place since you knew how to drive and besides, it's my big day." you told me. "Excuse me mister, it doesn't mean that it's your big day that I'll be the one who's driving." We laughed and we had our own road trip. While looking outside from my window, you held my hand while saying those words that made me happy and warm, "Thanks for making this day so extra-ordinary. This is the best-est birthday I ever had." I swear I felt infinite.
We spent the night driving around the city. We had a small coffee talk at your favorite coffee shop. You told me all the things that made your life here at the city happy. You told me all the things you've done when we weren't talking, when I was busy with school stuff that it made you miss me because I was the one of the best blessing you ever had. That not talking to me makes you sad because I was your happy pill. And I felt the same way too because you're my happy pill.
We dropped by to a mall and you bought me clothes since I need them because you didn't permit me to go home. I knew you're sick worried about me driving from your place to my home in the middle of the night and I appreciated you for taking good care of me. I slept in your room and you were in my arms and I was in your arms sleeping. I can feel that you're smiling while sleeping and I felt the same way too.
You woke up early and asked your mother right away what breakfast you should cook for me since you wanted to surprise me. You asked your mom and you told your parents that I'm amazing and you love me so much. Your parents smiled and your sibling even teased you because you're already in love with me.
You came in to your room and I was already awake. "Good morning my princess." I blushed because no one ever called me princess. You surprised me with breakfast on bed. There were strawberries covered with chocolate syrup, pancakes, bacon and coffee for me. Of course, I shared the food with you.
I knew that we were blessed to have each other every time and we've spent years just talking through the phone and the internet, not minding the distance between us because we knew that God will give us the perfect timing and He did.
I stumbled upon a girl's blog. I read the description located on the sidebar. There was a link on it that she was in a relationship. My curiosity ate me and I clicked on it. One page popped out and I was shocked that it was you. You were in a relationship with that girl.
We kept on talking but you didn't tell me that you had a girlfriend. We kept on exchanging messages and it took me a long time to discover that you were already in love with someone else.
One night, an event was held at my school. I was fully surprised when you approached me. You told me that you transferred to this school because of me. I wonder what happened between you and your girlfriend. We joined the activities and we had so much fun. It was my first time to see you in person and specially, your smile and your laugh. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I wonder if the reason behind that smile is me. If it's me, then, I'm truly grateful because seeing your smile melted me.
Days passed by and we spent days together, sometimes you stopped by to the pizza house I always visit to check if I was there. You saw me sitting on high chair watching TV. You wondered why I watched TV because you knew that I'm not a TV person. I am more of a book person. You came in and we exchanged hellos.
Another event in our school was held again, you held my hand while watching the fireworks. The people were busy looking up at the sky including me, I looked at you. When I looked at you, you were already looking at me, staring. I smiled, you smiled. And then, you kissed me on the lips. I was fully surprised and you told me, "You're more beautiful than the fireworks above." It made my heart warm.
And then, I woke up. It was only a dream. Probably, that would be the last time I'll see you. I bet I was smiling while sleeping because I had spent my sleeping hours with you.
When I woke up, I wanted to tell you right away that it was you, it was you in my dreams but I got scared because maybe, you'll think it's weird and I don't really know all about you that maybe it's true that you have a girlfriend. I got scared because what if I tell you about my dream, would you still talk to me? Would you ever spend your time talking to me? I guess not. And I don't wanna lose you because you're the only person I talk to. You're the only person who can make me smile despite the storms I'm facing right now.
