9. FAREWELL
"So, you're leaving without saying goodbye?"
She said, her voice like a ghost.
Shit.
Cal leaned his hand on the door frame, his forehead followed and he closed his eyes. He could feel Jess trembling behind his back, he could foresee her face soaked in tears, her sobs stuck in her chest.
Shit.
Leaving her was the hardest thing he had ever done, he doubted he could gather the strength to walk out the door, but now she was awake, crying, he knew it would be impossible.
Yet, he had to.
"Chris?" She begged.
He had planned everything, every little detail, like he already had, to break Oyster out.
He got all his stuff ready: a car fueled up, the maps with all the secondary roads highlighted, 4 different options to cross the Canadian border. His backpack, enough military rations to survive for 2 weeks, in case he'd have to ditch the car and cover the distance by foot. A compass. An extra pair of trekking shoes, just in case. Water. Lighter. Headlamp. Emergency kit. US dollars. Canadian dollars.
No phone.
No pics, not even one of Jessica. He wouldn't risk to get caught and have her involved. Beside it would be too painful to look at her beautiful face. Dealing with her memory would be hard enough.
But he had no choice. More than 3 years he hadn't see his brother. 3 fucking long years he hadn't heard his voice. Teddy, his little brother, the reason he had kept living after their mom died, the one he had fought for. And kept fighting for.
He'd all planned in his head, playing every scenario again and again at night, all those sleepless nights, Jess cuddled against his chest. Looking blankly at the ceiling, on the hunt for what could happen, what could turn wrong, and come what may: keep walking.
Until he reaches Lac-Sainte-Marie, Quebec, 260 miles from here. Until he meets his brother again.
"Chris!" She yelped, like she was drowning.
For a millisecond, he thought he could just give up: forget his little ass of a brother, forget his oath to his mother, forget his responsibilities, drop on his knees and beg Jess to marry him, give her 3 kids, get a pet and live happily ever after. Why not? He deserved a little of happiness, didn't he?
"What is happening?" she whispered, her voice torn by sobs, like stabs in his back.
What the fuck was happening, good question. He was happening. That fucking deceiving Cal was freaking out and ruining everything again. Like it was meant to be.
Like he was meant to screw up every chance of happiness.
"I have to see him. Jess, he got back in touch with me. Those postcards. There must be a reason." He said under his breath, not daring to glance at her.
"Chris, you're still in probation! A single step out of the State and you're in parole violation! You're going to get caught and thrown into jail again!" She knew this argument wouldn't work with him, but she was a lawyer, well almost, she had to plead for her case.
"I know..." Chris whispered. The next words would be excruciating to pronounce.
"That's why I won't come back..."
"Noooo!" She totally broke down.
As he listened to her heart shattering into pieces, taking his own heart down, he couldn't help thinking about time.
It took her days to tame his fears, weeks to heal him for his trauma, months to forge deep, trustful ties between their hearts.
Ties they both thought were unbreakable.
And as it took a heartbeat to fall in love with her, he'd been quick to break her heart.
Now he was running out of time. With her. For Oyster. Fuck.
"At least wait for your probation period to be over! You'll be a free man and you could go wherever you want!" She begged.
Like he didn't know. Like he hadn't spent the last days counting how many days it would take to be reunited. Like he hadn't thought of it from top to bottom. Like he hadn't been obsessed and torn about that fucking choice he had to make.
"Three more years! Jess, I can't leave him alone for 3 more fucking years! He needs me!" He let his anger flow out of his chest.
"What about me????" She thundered, gripping her nightie where her heart ached, then pointing a furious index finger out.
"He's not a kid anymore! He made his choice! You don't owe him anything anymore! When are you going to start thinking about yourself? About us?"
Touché.
Cal wavered at her words. The more she spoke, the more his determination weakened. He had no choice but cling to his same old song.
"I'm his legal guardian, I promised mom I'd take care of him. I can't break my oath. Not again..."
It would have been easier if Chris was the selfish type. But he didn't choose Marine corps and law enforcement by mistake. He was a man of principle, loyal, honest, trustful. A man with Semper Fidelis inked in his flesh forever.
"Chris!!" Jess was burning with rage and desperation. She was fed up with his sempiternal lame excuses.
She would have slapped his face full force if she could have moved, again and again until he got it, but violence never fixed anything, she was dead certain of this.
Chris’ childhood to adulthood, his former job in the Marine corps, his time in jail, his whole damn life had been nothing but violence, he deserved better from her.
She breathed in and out slowly to calm her nerves down and regain control of her thoughts.
Give him what he needs, that's the only way...
"You're strong Chris. You're a good man! Why can't you see it?"
Cal shook his head, tears threatening again behind his lids.
"I failed. I failed to keep my mom alive. I failed to protect my brother. To serve my country... To make you happy. I don't deserve you..."
"When are you going to stop punishing yourself for things, you're not responsible for? Jesus, your mom died, who's to blame? Not you! You struggled to provide for your brother though you were barely an adult, Chris, you did your best! Oyster made some bad choices, his choices, he fucked up but it was not your fault!"
Gone his sweetheart of a girlfriend, he was facing a new, fierce, unstoppable soldier ready for anything for her love.
Anything. Maybe, even ready to throw everything away for him.
Cal slowly extended his hand to a trembling Jess. This gesture was a dangerous step back, he had promised himself not to touch her, not to smell her nor to get too close. No way he could leave this place without her if their hands were linked.
Jess nearly jumped forward to take it, intertwined her fingers so tightly with his, their knuckles turned white. She closed her other hand over their clasped ones, then pulled them against her cheek, nuzzling against the slightest piece of his skin she could.
The contact of her skin against his made him jolt. His plea slipped through his lips before his brain realized their impact.
"Come with me. I hate to put that on you but... Jess, come with me. I don't want to lose you..."
His words were like slaps in her face. Her jaw dropped down and the look she threw at him slapped him back.
Shit.
She thought she had won. She thought he had heard her words. She thought he would stay. Why would he have offered his hand otherwise?
"Wh..? But... Cal, what are you doing?"
"Come with me Jessica. Let's start a new life in Canada. I love you. I love you!"
His turn to wrap his hand around hers and pull her closer, so his gaze pierced hers, his taut body hovering over her. This could fix everything.
Say yes! Say yes! Say yes!!
Jessica froze in shock, her pupils widened. She would have left all she had behind to follow him. The solution was easy: just go with him!
Just go with him, and become an outlaw. Say goodbye to your family, your career, your dreams, your life. On the run forever with the man she loved. With no future but hiding and lying.
"And you saved your first 'I love you' for the day you leave me..." Jess whispered under her breath, defeated. He killed her hope the second before, and kept doing an excellent job to trample on her heart.
Her whole body slumped down; Cal had to tighten his grip on her hands to get her upright.
Her pale complexion and her trembling voice made her look like a ghost.
"No. I can't. You can't... do that. You can't drag me into a runaway and make me a fugitive. I... I'm... My family is here, my career is here, my life is here... with you!
If you really love me, STAY!"
Chris wobbled, his knees weak under him. She was right, he knew it. He was wrong, doing all wrong, as he always had done. Jessica saw her chance in his hesitation, and played her last card. Faithfulness, Chris' obsession.
"That's not what you promised me. Chris, you promised me..." she burst into tears again, clinging onto him like he was a lifeline. Their love was like the Titanic, they thought it beautiful and in submersible, but it was irremediably sinking in the middle of nowhere and will end up broken shipwreck.
Hold on Rose, you have a chance.
Sorry Jack, you're screwed.
Shit.
He promised her, that day he talked his heart out, in the wee hours of a beautiful day, lying in bed, slowly brushing her delicate face with his fingertips. That day he told her about his plans for the future, their future. Openly daydreaming of his will to marry her, build her a house, have kids with her, three he said, if she agreed. Plus, a dog. One day, he promised, when she would graduate and he would have a better job.
He solemnly promised her to make her happy, happy ever after.
"You deserve to be happy, Chris. We've been so happy together. For fuck sake, why couldn't we just be happy?"
Because happiness is not meant for me.
"Jess, I miss him so much... I have no choice."
"There's always a choice... Let me help!" She begged a last time, squeezing his hands even tightly.
Chris closed his eyes, his sigh shaky through his tight throat. Just do it. Say it.
Now.
"No. Not this time... Let me go, Jess, please..." Chris grudgingly untied their fingers but Jess kept gripping at him, his wrists, his arms, his hoodie. He patiently unhooked each of her attempt, gently but firmly holding her wrists together.
It was so hard, Jesus, to see her face, desperate and drowned in tears, to hear a plea, to hurt her so deeply. But it had to be done. Like ripping off a band-aid. Just do it.
"No, no, no, no, Chris, please, nooo!" She begged, she would have given anything, everything to have him think, find another way, change his fucking mind. To have him stay. Choose her.
All her expectations vanished when Cal took her hands in his large palms, bent to kiss them but just leant his forehead on them, shaken by both their sobs and cries. He knew he couldn't leave if his lips touched her skin again. She knew it too.
Slowly, too slowly, he extended his arms until her fists laid on her chest, her fingers writhing in pain, and stepped back. Unable to look a last time in her eyes, Cal turned his heels and grabbed the doorknob.
"What if I'm pregnant?"
He froze, like punched in his guts.
"What?" His world collapsed. He had all the scenarios figured out, even the worst, but not this one.
He had made love to her earlier that night, knowing it'd be the last time. He made it last long, savoring each second with her, kissing each piece of her body, learning each of her curves by heart with his fingertips. He made it sensual, passionate, beautiful. He had given her all, all of him.
He had laid on his back for hours, his love cuddled on his side, her arms around his chest, like to keep him from running away. Like she felt it.
He had stayed like this forever, staring at the ceiling, listening to her deep breathing, feeling her, smelling her, until he was drunk from her.
"I said, what if I'm pregnant." She stated again, interrupting his thoughts.
"Are you?" He blankly asked.
She might be. From tonight.
She could be. They've been careless for a couple of weeks, their desire so strong they skipped to put a condom on. They both silently agreed, since they had a talk about it: they wanted to spend their lives together and grow a family, one day or another...
Jess had tried the pill, but it hadn't fit her. She tried 3 different brands but every time something went wrong. Cal hated seeing her with cramps or moody and IUD was a big no no due to her young age, so he decided to take the responsibility of the birth control, and simply pulled out at the right time.
Which was, according to Jess, like a firework without the final. Several times, half of the time in fact, she trapped Cal between her legs so he came inside of her. She found it so sexy and powerful.
Sexy but likely give rise to a baby.
Their baby. His.
"You won't stay for me. Would you stay for your child?"
Bitch. She knew how push his button, where it hurt the most. Given what he was doing to her, it was fair.
His guts twisted painfully and nausea invaded his throat at the thought. His deepest nightmare resurfaced: a kid with no father to take care of them, ruffle their hair, tickle them until they're breathless from laughing, play football with them, hug them tight when they're scared or sad. A kid with no dad to love them. A kid like he'd been, grown up before his childhood even had started.
A missing father. That was what he would become if he left now. The worst of the worst. A man he promised himself to never be. Fucking never hurt someone like he'd been hurt.
He unsuccessfully was trying to clear his mind from sadness and anger to redo his math and remember when was her last period. Calculate the odds of a pregnancy. Rate his chance to stay.
Zero.
He sucked. He wasn’t worth anything.
Maybe living was the best he could do to save this child from himself. He was no better father than his own, unable to make a good decision.
Chris dropped his head, his hands tightened in fists, his eyes closed in a frown. He stopped breathing for a long time, until he made his decision.
"I'm sorry." He muttered, grabbing the doorknob.
That was it. She couldn't go, he couldn't stay. I guess that's just the way the story goes.
Such a waste.
Chris pushed the door open, wiped his tears with his sleeve and walked out, without a last glance at her.
