WHY Street Harassment Is Not a Compliment
Following the buzz from the video we (and everyone else on the internet) posted recently of the woman who walks around Manhattan for 10 hours and gets catcalled 108 times, there's been a lot of "discussion" (read: self-indulgent male whining) about how men are just trying to compliment women when they say things like "Hey beautiful" or "Why don't you smile?" or "I want to take a shit on your breasts" (see the recent Daily Show skit "Jessica's Feminized Atmosphere" for that little gem.)
Granted, there is a big difference as to where these comments land on the "deplorable male behavior directed towards women who are complete strangers in public space" spectrum, but they share a common thread: each is an instance of unprovoked street harassment.
This article posted by Kat George a few days in Bustle illustrates how many of the actions and behaviors men take for granted in public space as not only their right and privilege, but a service to women, are in fact instances of street harassment. Here is a breakdown of the big six, along with some points I wanted to add:
1. Telling Someone to Smile- Reasoning: at the heart of this action is the belief that "A woman’s autonomy exists only in so far as she is pleasing to male proclivities" and therefor "...as the ultimate owner of the female body, the man is within his rights to dictate to her how she should be conducting herself within it." Additionally, dictating to anyone (especially a stranger) what they should or shouldn't do immediately places you in a position of power to them, whether you intend it that way or not. Who are you to make decisions about what other people should or shouldn't do with their appearance? Let alone their emotions? Sure, you might be trying to just "cheer her up," but you might also be inadvertently sending her the message that she SHOULD APPEAR happy even when she is not, that her true emotions do not matter. And saying all that to a complete stranger is pretty rude. So why risk it?
2. Saying "God Bless You" - Reasoning: Okay, so aside from when someone is sneezing maybe, hollering anything at a woman on the street is STILL very much not okay even if you attempt to "soften it" with a little religion. As George points out, "God does not shield you from being a dirty, threatening prick." Or, to refer to our earlier examples, saying something like "God you are beautiful" or "God wants you to smile" or "God, I want to take a shit on your breasts" not only makes you out to be a misogynist, but a misogynist who is misguided enough to believe that his religion condones or defends his behavior. Personally, I do not remember a single passage in the Bible where Jesus told some lady on the side of the road that she would look prettier if she smiled or that her butt was looking fine in that robe. Just saying.
3. Compliments - Reasoning: Okay, so this is the biggie. When I talk to men (and some women) about catcalling the immediate response is, "Well, what if someone actually IS complimenting you? Isn't it a nice thing to do?" Well, yes and no. If you know the person, and you've established some kind of rapport with them, a compliment can certainly be a nice thing. If you are shouting at a woman who is a complete stranger on the street, that is another thing.
Whether or not you are trying to intimidate a woman, hit on her, or approach her in a way that suggests you deserve sex from her, compliments are often (not always but often) not desired. Normally, like everyone else on the planet, when a woman is walking down the street she is just trying to get from point A to point B. Compliments can seem like an attack, even when they are well-meaning. You have to consider that aside from your well-intentioned compliments this woman will likely be the recipient of all kinds of street harassment in her day to day business. So why add to the volume? I have done interviews with many woman about catcalling and most say they would prefer to hear silence rather than even well-intentioned compliments when they walk down the street.
Another thing to consider: would you compliment another man on the street in the same way? No? Why not and what does this say about the power structures in society which encourage you to do one behavior and not the other? How might you be reinforcing those power structures with your behavior?
As to the "What kind of world are we living in where you can't give a stranger a compliment without coming off like a feminist-hating sexist dick?" kind of comments I have gotten so used to hearing: I actually agree with these to some extent in the sense that I wish we lived in a better world where men could compliment women in public without it coming off as an attack. But the reality is: we live in a world where one in six women will be raped in her lifetime. Where one in four women will be victims of domestic abuse. These are awful, shameful truths, but ignoring these realities isn't going to make them go away.
On the other hand, being sensitive to the crappy rape culture we have to deal with is the only way we are going to get back to the kind of society where a man can compliment a female stranger on the street without being misconstrued as a misogynistic ass hat. But please don't put it on the shoulders of women to change their opinion of men when this is the reality of what we have to deal with. Instead, reach out to your fellow men and encourage them to strive for changes that will produce a society in which we all feel safe, and equally empowered.
And then there's always this objection: "Well women compliment other women all the time." Okay, sure but there is a big difference between a man telling a woman she has a nice ass and a woman telling another woman she has a nice ass. For starters, there is a huge difference in power dynamics and the history of abuse of those dynamics. Even as a queer woman, when another woman compliments me on my parts (and it doesn't happen nearly as often as it does with men) I do not assume it is for the purposes of soliciting sex or sexual attention from me and usually it is not. With a man, that is almost always explicitly or implicitly the case. I don't think it's always intentional, but it's a part of our society that men are trained to approach women first and foremost in this way. When I compliment another woman, I do it because we know each other well and are comfortable and supportive of each others' bodies- something society discourages between women. Bottom line: you should respect that women will treat other women differently and that that is fair considering the everyday realities of having to deal with rape culture.
Here are the four reasons George gives in Bustle for why compliments are trouble in addition to the aforementioned:
Her worth is only valued at her ability to adhere to rigid, culturally imposed beauty standards.
She is an object and therefore cannot reasonably be expected to be treated with the respect of a full human.
The man “complimenting” her feels entitled to look at her, judge how she looks, force that judgment onto her, forcing her to internalize his view of herself.
And if he feels entitled to her in those ways, where does it stop? Where is the line of entitlement drawn? Maybe that’s as far as it goes with this one person. But how does the woman know? How does she know that he doesn’t feel equally entitled to have sex with her or beat her or kill her, as some men do feel entitled to do to women? The point is: She does not know. And that is why it is threatening.
4. Staring - Reasoning: Well duh. It's rude to stare. Sure you may feel like you're just trying to make eye contact, but on the other end of things it is a power trip. It gives the woman the impression that she is an object to be stared at. Staring and stalking are closely related behaviors, and staring may make a woman feel victimized.
5. Speaking to Someone Who Clearly Does Not Want to Be Spoken To: Reasoning - That girl in the headphones? That girl reading the book? That girl fiddling with her cell phone? Yeah, she's probably not doing all that because she's bored. Maybe she is independently enjoying herself and does not need your assistance. Maybe she is even doing all that so you will leave her the fuck alone. In either case, respect her autonomy and entertain yourself rather than interjecting yourself into her clearly demonstrated private space.
6. Becoming Incredulous When You Are Ignored - Reasoning: You do not deserve a response when you thrust your presence or desire for attention on to another human being. This is true regardless of whether your gender, race, or class privilege may have lead you to believe you are entitled to a response. She reserves the right to acknowledge or ignore you in the same way that you might choose to ignore an annoying child or a car alarm or a tiny yapping dog. If she's ignoring you, it's because she does not owe you her attention. And that is true. She doesn't know you. She owes you jack shit. Throwing a hissy fit because she isn't giving you what you believe you deserve just makes you look like a double douche. Instead, try checking whatever it was that you said and reconsidering whether or not it would be beneficial to you and your well-being to continue to face this sort of negative interaction in the future; Or if it would be better for you and the rest of society if you were to become suddenly sensitive to the butt-load of bullshit women disproportionately have to endure, regardless of whether or not you are actively contributing to that bullshit, and instead focus your attention on actively dismembering it so we can get back to the good old days where a "Hello" from a stranger was a comfort and not a warning.
