[iamthearcher171]

On the one hand I’m really drunk.

On the other hand, that usually means I feel things more clearly because I’m not inhibited by how I *think* I *should* feel/behave.

I want him to be happy. Even if that isn’t with me. Even though I think it could be with me.

I fuck up. A lot. But it’s always been about you. If time is short, I want you to be happy. However that comes. Because you deserve to be happy. Even if it isn’t with me. I’ll find a way to make my peace with that. I’ll have to. That’s what love is, right?

[iamthearcher171]

Haven’t been on here for a while, but stopped back in for a while and reading old posts I came a surprising realisation.

I haven’t had bad days for a long time. I. Can’t actually remember the last time I cried myself to sleep over something that seemed utterly meaningless when I eventually woke up.

I don’t know what has changed. But I hope it sticks.

[iamthearcher171]

Some people…

Why do some people just have such an intense ability to get under your skin. To be so entirely self-centred that they can’t see what anger or upset they are causing the people they claim to care about. To be so entirely incapable of putting aside their feelings for even the briefest of moments just to give someone else a chance.

Fuck em. Fuck em all. So much hatred and yet I know, come morning, I’ll brush it all aside and carry in as we always have. Because I can put other’s feelings before my own. Even if you can’t.

[iamthearcher171]

It has just occurred to me, approximately 23 hours after the event, that a guy asked for my number WHILE I WAS SEATED NEXT TO SOMEONE HE THOUGHT MIGHT BE MY BOYFRIEND. (Well, technically he sent his mate to ask me, and the guy seated next me was definitely not my partner)

But Duuude, that was some (indirectly) brave shit and I feel I should have given you more credit!

[iamthearcher171]

So good for so long. Positivity. Enthusiasm.

And then you just have that one evening where it all just feels a bit shit.

Comments that wouldn’t have bothered you yesterday cut a different way and knock you down.

It’ll come good again. I know that. It just doesn’t quite feel like it right now.

[iamthearcher171]

Snuggling down in bed, listening to the rain, is all well and good.

Until you have to get up to pee.

For the third time.

[iamthearcher171]

That feeling when you realise you’ve been riding on a comfortable high for a week or so now, and so you can’t help but start to wonder when it’s all going to turn to crap

[iamthearcher171]

Sometimes you realise all you needed was to be held by someone you loved.

To feel the warmth of their skin on yours.

To hear the sound of their heart beating.

To smell their fart….

[metamorphesque]

— Henry Miller, A Literate Passion: Letters of Anaïs Nin & Henry Miller, 1932-1953

[iamthearcher171]

Sometimes all you need is for someone you love to hold you against them. To feel their warmth.

[iamthearcher171]

Today was a better day.

Tomorrow might be shit, but that’s tomorrow’s problem.

Tonight I’m focusing on the positive vibes.

[iamthearcher171]

30-something. Single. Female.

Trying to explain to someone about aspirations and realising that you’ve never really had any. Because you never really thought you were good enough. For any of it.

Wanting the whole world for everyone else, and yet never quite knowing what world you want for yourself. Or believing you’d find that one person to share it with, and create new ones with.

Hoping it will all fall into place. And yet wondering if it’s already too late.

[iamthearcher171]

I despise the relationship between my mouth and my brain.

My brain desperately seeks the answers to ‘Why?’ But my mouth refuses to ask the question. Probably because my heart knows I won’t like the answer.

[iamthearcher171]

Put on a bit of weight over winter so decided to ramp up the healthy eating and cut out sugar as much as possible.

It’s day 5. I just stood in the kitchen eating Nutella. Straight from the jar.

[iamthearcher171]

Sometimes I swear my life is just one big joke where every time I finally realise I want something, it’s too fucking late

[iamthearcher171]

It’s never going to be you. And deep down you know it. At least, sometimes.

Because sometimes, you still believe it might be. One day.

And then you remember. It won’t.

[iamthearcher171]

“And I thought you could tell me anything” he said.

‘Yeah,’ she thought, ‘except for how you break my heart. Because you just wouldn’t get it anyway’.

[iamthearcher171]

Trying to move forward, but only being to see what you’re leaving behind. Who you’re leaving behind. He was never going to be The One, but it doesn’t make it any easier to walkaway or stop loving him.