Break The World

People say and do ridiculous things and I translate them into more ridiculous things.

[ibreaktheworld]

You're a Spy Right?...Right?

I haven't seen Skyfall yet and I really want to, and this infidelity scandal with the former head of the CIA General Patraeus was interesting for about 2 jokes about how hard cheating is. Right now spies are at the forefront of the collective consciousness, yet being a spy still feels out of reach for ordinary people. But fret not... your ordinary-ness may be exactly what makes you an extraordinary spy.

I feel like there are probably a lot of people out there that would make really good spies and don't even know they have the gift. Spying is primarily about information. So if we cast the net for our potential 007 in the rough to include people who love information (and I chose the word "love" because spying should be a passion or you’re just going through the motions), then that would include everyone everywhere meaning you and everyone you know and so on and so forth until every human on earth is accounted for.

Everyone loves information because we need information. Information keeps us alive. A human can't exist without information because everything you learn no matter how you learn it is information. Now think about how many times you've had to be sneaky to gain information. You're good at it aren't you? At least you believe you are and that belief in your sneakiness is the foundation of being a savant spy. Probably started when you were young. Sneaking around the house to find out where the snacks are hidden, but not to have a snack this time, just to know where they are so when you have more time you can go Seal Team Six on a pack of cookies and disappear without a trace. Who hasn't made an attempt to find out what they were getting for Christmas before the 25th? Other than the Jewish, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindu's, and almost every person on earth but you. That's one more dimension of sneaky almost entirely unique to you that proves you may have a spy sneaking around your psyche. And let's face it, if there's anything that's going to go unnoticed without heavy excavation in this world... it's your inner-spy.

Here comes the ugly part. This is where we start to eliminate some people. Now I'm not saying you have to be a professional athlete but spying requires at least some basic agility. The minimum requirement is that you can at least walk stealthily in a low crouch. So if you find yourself uttering the phrase, "No... I can't. My knees" a lot. You're chances of being a Black Ops sensation have significantly decreased but not vanished altogether. For instance, if you've been lying about your knees this whole time because you don't like to participate in activities or help your friends move, well then you're back in the game sir or ma'am. Deception is part of being sneaky. Also, if you do have bad knees you've probably adopted and mastered a hide in plain sight technique which as any ninja would tell you is a highly affective tool of stealth. Adaptability is a plus. 

One more potentially eliminating factor. Contrary to what Hollywood, and the faces of highly trained actual government spies would have you believe, you don't have to be super attractive to be a spy. You can be as attractive as you are... you just gotta being willing to bang. DTF. Are you as attractive as you are and horny all the time? If the answer's yes the potential of having night vision goggles in your near future have only increased not decreased. Just thought I should add that you might have to bang a foreigner so you should probably be pretty open to that as well. 

It's also important to point out that you Do Not and I repeat Do Not have to speak another language to be a spy. Why you ask? Because feigning interest by way of conversational eye contact and perfectly timed head nods is the universal language. Also not required, but it wouldn't hurt to be pretty good at puzzles. 

So here's your checklist. 

1. Loves Information

2. Good at Being Sneaky

3. Low Crouch Walk-ability

4. DTF/DTF Foreigners 

5. Good at Puzzles?

You may not think these 4/5 factors are enough to jump into the high risk world of espionage, but... Don't knock it 'til you spy it. 

This message will self-destruct... in a sense when you close the webpage you're reading this on.  

[ibreaktheworld]

The Parent Paradox

Since becoming a father, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what "being me" will project onto my son. So I've been thinking a lot about what my parents have projected onto me and in particular my father. It's funny how we can notice faults in our parents, exude those same exact behaviors, and convince ourselves we're not doing it because "we're not as bad as them."  

My dad is someone that's hard to connect with. He's distant. Mostly off in his own world. Even his close friends don't feel close to him. And he doesn't want to be held to not being that way. He's not a "call you first" type of human. And I say human, because it's very important for him that even his kids see him as a human rather than some confining singular label like "father". He makes a point to always explain though that his seeming lack of activity towards our lives is no sleight to us, it is just merely who he his, and he's like that with everyone. I know at fist that sounds worse, but if you knew him you'd get it. Well at least I get it. Because no matter how much I want to admit it, I'm the same exact way. 

I was able to convince myself I wasn't that way because where my dad would say "you know I love you, so why do I have to make cliché gestures just to prove it", because those gestures would just naturally never matter to him... I do make those gestures because I believe everyone's perspective is valid and if it matters to them, it matters even though those gestures would never naturally matter to me. But I'm only fully that way for literally 1 person in the world. And I have a huge family. Actually, it's 2 people if I count myself. I'm very good to me. And up until a certain point in my life "being good to me" included convincing myself I wasn't like my dad.  I always focused on this one difference between us and blew it up to mean more than it was. And that difference was this; I'm a person that appreciates everything and values nothing, but my dad is a person that appreciates very little and values nothing. I know the difference there seems insignificant but at a point in my life it meant so much to me. It was like the difference between neanderthal and modern man. And I'm not calling my dad a neanderthal per se, but I'm not the person in that example that doesn't have a smart phone. And honestly, now I like realizing similarities with my dad because at least I'm like someone. It's comforting. 

So, it will be my conclusion that no matter how many more different experiences you've had than they did, you are most likely just like the parent you think you're like the least. But like the time period appropriate version of that parent. 

And for my son's sake, I really hope he thinks he's not like his mother. 

[ibreaktheworld]

All You Need Now is an Addiction

It seems like lately, in order for your personality to be well rounded, you need to have an addiction or compulsion that doesn't bring you shame to verbalize. It's almost as if living with a condition outside of your control lets people know how humble you are, and how together you have it. But in a world where lines of compulsion are being blurred and more people have access to more things, two people could do something in equal quantities but only one of them consider it an addiction. So... when does passion stop and addiction start? Easy. Well maybe easy for people with degrees in some sort of -ology that I don't have. But defining addiction isn't that important anyway, especially when you're just trying to fill out your character as sunglasses, hats, and graphic tees are just not taking you to the next level. The important question is, when is it okay to claim you have an addiction? Three answers: when it's unprovable; when it's socially acceptable/cute; and when it's ironic. 

Unprovable: These are fun addictions to have because they're addictions of the mind. Nobody can really tell you you don't have the addiction in question, and you don't ever have to be seen doing it. Also, this is where you can get credit for being addicted to whatever most people in the group are interested in. You can also compliment yourself with your addiction. "I can't help it, I'm just addicted to women's rights." Proof of this addiction is shown by the size of your emotional outburst towards people that don't believe you have mental binders full of women. Also, a quick and easy unprovable addiction are things that humans need to exist in social equilibrium. Like food (foodies), liquids (liquidies), and emotional connections with other humans (strippers).

Socially Acceptable/Cute: Of course, some groups are going to more readily accept your niche addictions than others, but there are some generalized addictions that are okay-ish. If you're a woman, and love shoes, buy them. Credit card debt is no laughing matter, but when that credit card debt can be accessorized with anything from a pant suit to a catsuit, you can express your addiction with pride. Because let's face it... "Women be shopping! Women be shopping." After all, shopping is a welcome activity to help you burn off that coffee addiction, which helps fuel our capitalist society. And for men, if you fall between that tricky range of just attractive enough and not too attractive it's adorable to have a sex addiction. Here is where you also can be addicted to colors you like to wear and songs you like to have people see you listen to. 

Ironic: This takes a lot of work because a lot of these addictions will go against the common perception of you, so it might be hard to believe you have the addiction, which means you have to be seen doing it.  Or at least live tweet your addiction or post about it on Facebook. "Watching another episode of Intervention. So addicted to this show. #FirstStepIsAcceptance #I'mSoComplex." Ironic addictions take the most effort because they can quickly spiral out of control if not managed. Like if you're a high powered executive with a quirky little alcohol addiction... It's not a problem as long as you do it in plain sight and keep it fun. Learn a few magic tricks you can do while tipsy. Do you think The Most Interesting Man Alive got to his status by bringing parties to a crashing halt? I don't think that. But to be fair, I also think he got there by doing magic tricks at parties. 

Some people will challenge you on your addictions because they might be addicted to being annoying in social situations (possibly my addiction). Just be prepared with witty retorts. When someone says, "Oh yeah, you're addicted? Well how many dicks have you sucked to support your addiction?" Just say, "the dick sucking exchange rate is fluctuating a lot lately and I don't like math." Unless of course your addicted to math, in which case you say, "I have sucked 10 dicks, divided by two dicks, and subtracted by 7 dicks." Then they'll be like, "that comes out to negative two dicks." Just say, "well when you're as good at math as I am..." and back away slowly.

So go out there and let your uniqueness shine through the addictions you claim to have.  Always remember too, that if you really do have an addiction keep that shit to yourself because you're making people who are trying to have fun sad.

[ibreaktheworld]

Sidney Gantt World Renown Relationship Expert gives advice to help make your relationship less shitty.

[ibreaktheworld]

Anybody can sit back and allow life to be dictated to them, but I encourage you to get out there and make an impact. Like I did. Just don't try to make this type of impact on me because I'm emotionally sensitive and impulsive. 

[ibreaktheworld]

ROBOTS OR DINOSAURS?

Robot dinosaurs... duh.