beautiful day wandering around the city
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@icarusgf
beautiful day wandering around the city
my friend told me his cousin graduated from mit today, and i thought of you, so i checked your blog :’-) you are such an inspiration and i’m so proud of you! congrats⭐️🎓
omg! that's so cool. thank u for thinking of me!! congrats to ur friend's cousin as well, maybe i knew them lol <3
you know what’s funny, i’m like maybe 4-5 years older than you i remember being in university watching you take your ap exams and apply for university. now ive been in my career for 4-5 years and now you’re graduating! congratulations!
awww that's so sweet. thank u for sticking around for so long!!!! we have grown up together for real <3
yesssss the white girls love my 2021 patheticposting yesssssssssssssssssss
self jumpscare on my tiktok fyp LOL.. graduation in 2 days . packing up my college apartment 4ever……..
shane hollander appreciation week // day six → a song that reminds me of him and i’m afraid, oh, don’t let find me but you can't outrun yourself, you’ll see and i’m powerless, oh, don’t remind me
final grades in ✅
did mitski ever find out what to do after you've been big and small and big and small again and still nobody wants you
i would like to announce that i got into pens hockey NOT because of hr NOT because of the sidcros shane parallel but because my best friend from home aka bay area is a massive fan of the sharks and after hr dropped she imposed all her sharks knowledge onto me and to counter her i had to choose a team to support and i love penguins the animal so i chose the penguins. and sidcros was right there. anyway i learned abt the shane sidcros parallel from the shane side back in december ofc then forgot it but now i keep getting sidcros or sidgeno edits posted by like shanehollandersasshole or hollanovmarried or wtv other username on tiktok and its a loud reminder each time . maybe this is why god gave me a penguin obsession at age 5. i have never been to pittsburgh
sundays rule number 1: DON'T THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE
every student emailing the course mailing list of the class i ta trying to get out of taking the final bc they have a cold or smth . i took this class final winter of my sophomore year with a hundred degree fever & coughing up my guts the day after the guy i had a crush on for a yr made me stop studying just to tell me he spent the night w another girl . and i had a job interview and 2 more finals that week yea i don't rly gaf about ur email 😍
reeeeally obsessed with shane hollander as a character that is Cursed. in that the fears that he has architected his life and psyche around avoiding and preventing All Come True. everything that haunts him, every ocd theme (if u choose to read him that way, and i do) is realized.
he's so terrified of being viewed as weak & feminine, especially as an asian man. the fear of being gay keeps him up at night. and has to confront that he is not only gay but exclusively a bottom. which is the girl one, the really gay one. and he fucking loves it, his response to sex make it completely undeniable that his deepest most true desire, the thing that frees and fulfills him the most is also the realization of his greatest fear and the worst thing anyone could know about him. every day terrified of how it will alter his relationships and his public image, terrified of how it will change what it means to be the product his manager is selling.
he lives perpetually terrified of being caught out as a fake bad version of the real Shane Hollander who is palatable and good and Normal. "yeah no it’s just that we were all working even to help you maintain your closet and you don’t really seem very grateful for it. you keep struggling against these ties we very lovingly bound you in. oh well, maybe we can monetize the disappointment you've become. please stop kicking."
of course it's the other thing he loves most, hockey, that necessitates this posturing and his closet. it's the thing that demands total discipline over his body and mind. went through hazing and stuck to stringent performance diets (orthorexia btw) and grueling training programs and the monetization of his life and a surveilled existence and season after season of full out, failure-is-not-an-option level effort at all times and the responsibilities of the captaincy and and and and. all to be the man he is expected to be, required to be. for so little thanks, for so little acknowledgement of what it takes, except as criticism. work so impossibly hard and it’s kind of weird and off putting, you know you can unclench a little right? that diet you’re on is kinda gay haha just kidding, but no really haha. but anything less than utter hockey robot perfection throws EVERYTHING into question. one bad game after a bad day, month, year, and where was shane hollander tonight?
not to speak of when the two halves overlap. did you trip on purpose?
did you work your entire life to build an airtight, unimpeachable legacy, to conceal the deep fundamental wrongness of who you are from everyone else? sorry baby it caught up, and ooh yeah we hate what we see. let up on that iron grip for even a single second and it will come back to bite you. brought ilya to the cottage -> outed to parents, caught in his lie, in need of forgiveness. shared ilya/intimacy with the tightest circle of friends -> a careless straight man who has never exercised a fraction of the caution your life depends upon outs you to the world and now your team is icing you out. his reticence to come out strains the relationship he had already given up so much for, almost to the breaking point. his struggle to give up what he had and give up control is itself a joke, even to his loved ones.
none of his fears were blown out of proportion, none of it was his choice, nothing he ever did helped. his entire life lived in a cage. none of which makes letting go of the fear any easier of course. some might say it actually makes it perhaps! a bit harder. anything he could have done to save himself would've involved some great sacrifice of one of his few sources of comfort and safety and pleasure. everything he ever wanted came at such a cost.
last day of classes ever tomorrow :,)
happy birthday to the loml 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🫃🏻🫃🏻🫃🏻🫃🏻🫃🏻😘😘😘😘😘😘
hanna kim - 행복, 행복, 행복, 21.2x35.1x1.5cm, oil on canvas, 2022
goodmorning this is your assigned shane of the day
senior yr is taking the last exam u will ever take in ur life and then drinking a strawberry marg and a pina colada on a rooftop and then eating a giant platter of nachos and smoking a cig LIFE IS WORTH LIVINGGGG