Sorry for the long vent post. I wanted to get this of my chest. Trigger warning at the end for those with trypophobia or Ommetaphobia
Mistakes make an impact. Small or big, they do. For me, I have made mistakes that I do my best to learn from, especially if it might have impact another person.
I don't like to hurt others. Even if I hit them by accident, I would over do it with apologies and seeing if the other is okay. And a lot of these times this ends up with me either being too clingy or distant with a person, which a lot of times drives them away.
I am the type that loves and cares for others, I try to be the type who wants be there for them. But with the past experiences, I couldn't do that right. Yes I do have friends now that stayed and accept me for who I am, but those who left because of me, that pain is still there.
It hurts. Most time it's a throb. Other times it's agony. And these 2 years have been nothing but pain and people leaving. I want them to come back, I really do. I want to fix every little thing I did. But even now there are some who said they don't want to do anything with me again and I kept my distance.
Because of all of that's happened, I have come to terms of my anxiety and depression, my Poison. They have grown and hissed at me, knowing that I'm the mistake that caused all this. I have talked to a few about Poison, explaining how it feels with them around but most of the time I just kept them bottled up. Mentally, there are shelves, boxes, corners filled with jars and bottles, of different shapes and sizes in hopes to keep them locked up. A jar breaks occasionally but that sudden emotional hit passes eventually and I go back to storing Poison back in the shelves.
To those who stayed, thank you. I feel like I don't deserve such amazing friends yet you stayed.
To those I've hurt, I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you, even when I promised I would. I hope that you found others that were able to be what you hoped for in a friend.
This are my shelves, my pain, my Poison
