Trust me... on the sunscreen
āI, Loki, Prince of Asgard, Odinson, the rightful King of Jƶtunheim, God of Mischief-ā, let me pause that here, you all know how it goes on and yes, I did look at Thor and no, that Oaf didnāt get it, right? Of course I had a plan! Of course it was NOT consisting of stabbing Thanos with a butter knife in my left hand or being choked to death like that. This sounds like a plan of Loki āI-die-a-heroic-but-useless-death-to-save-Asgard-or-the-universeā Odinson. Let me get that right: Odinson is pretty cool and stuff and Laufeyson is probably more true ā at least I will need that to get Jƶtunheim on our side ā but how about Friggason? How about me being the God of Mischief, trickster, learning the most refined kinds of magic from the woman with the actual balls in the family and going far beyond that while being on that awful inconvenient self-discovery trip through the darkest parts of the universe after finding out about being a fucking Frost Giant and my whole life had been a lie so far ā well you are allowed to be a little bit dramatic when youāve just learned your adopted as kind of a war price, right?
What about me fooling even mighty, oh so wise Odin? And yes, Thor knew. The moment I didnāt take his Hammer. I never wanted that piece of worthless metal anyway, but Thor was oh so fond of it and no one else being able to hold it and that stuff. Well he used to understand signs when I showed him!
Anyway, it was for the best and he knew it. Putting that old, senile doter to retirement. He did get that, but not āThe sun will shine on us againā?! Though he always has been one for sappy phrasesā¦
I am the one who knows all the secret escape ways.
I am the one who tricked my brotherās stupid little Avengers-friends into fighting each other, even after being tortured into half a loonā¦
I am the one who twisted this Grandmaster-Madder round my little finger in like no time, becoming the heir of Sakaar without even really trying ā and most of all: without getting caught by a drunk ex-Valkyrie, being enslaved and getting my hair cut! I wonāt tell you how that worked though; a God of Mischief got his secrets.
I am the one who even fooled Thor, turning into a snake and then stabbing him when we were eight! And then over and over again. Dying, not dying, being bad ā oh no, Iām actually good, trust me ā well maybe not, surprise. And then I thought he learned to play along by nowā¦ I really thought he got that, when he put this stupid fizzy disc on me and that really was some kind of a tricky game he played there to make sure we walk in on Hela together ā at least he had never succeeded without me, savior of Asgard, coming to his help. (It took him quiet a long time, considering how close weāve beenā¦ how close exactly? Well remember that time he caught me from this shiny-heart Iron Maiden and Miss Moralizer America? The woodsā¦ he really did miss me, I guess. But then again, not enough to come searching for me without me threatening his precious little earthā¦)
I am the worst, brother, I know. But Iām the best at being the worst!
Still, I know when someoneās too big for me. And Thanos is. He knows my weakness, heās still scaring the shit out of me ā yes, I might rather get therapy, but now is not that time. Heās too much for me to take alone ā too much for stupid Avengers or dorky Guardians, but that doesnāt mean heās invincible. Heās no fucking god!
Stupid ass Iām-restoring-the-balance-of-the-universe Thanos being too big for me doesnāt mean I didnāt have a plan! (To Hel with balance! Whereās the fun without a little chaos?)
I just required some kind of assistance.
Like that Valkyrie. One punch to knock me out and get me into chains? You gotta respect that! Even if, of course, that was part of my plan. So first thing I do: taking her from that ship. Also that Rock with his cuddly scissor-hands-toy. Heās pretty useful if you want to start a revolution.
And then take that strange Doctor Witch from earth. This guy really got me falling for thirty minutes without any chance of getting out of there! Not everyone does manage that!
Well it actually took me a while to find him and convince him. It involved the people of Asgard being massacred and the thread of half the universe perishing to dust without this stupid earth people being able to accomplish anything and then me fussing with some Multiverse stuff he did thereā¦ still wasnāt easy to get him to listen to me and show him how desperately he needs my help but heās not stupid.
To be honest, it was kind of fun. Seeing Asgard bleed for letting me bleed all these years. And that stupid Banner Person, not able to turn himself into a green, smashing Pumpkinhead. Thatās what trauma and self-finding issues feel like, take it! And then Earth, humankind, not even considering to kneel before me, one and only mighty God of Mischief, back then, now trembling and falling to dustā¦ You remember: plan? Nothing of this will have happened, if we succeed? Yes? Good. But it still was fun seeing it happen.
That little red witch girl would have been fun to try outā¦ but sadly she was too busy being in love with her toaster. Well, maybe next time.
Gamora would have been such a great add to that! Iāve seen her fighting. And her rage. I know her daddy issues ā And I know what Iām talking about when I speak of daddy issues ā she really had the potential to go against Thanos. Too bad, canāt reach her inside that Soul Stone. But well, thereās still Nebula.
So I got a plan and this army now. Well, a rather small army but still ā I call them āLokiās Armyā and ā
āLet me interrupt you there, weāre not āLokiās Armyā. Nor are we any team that is in need of any stupid name and we also donāt need this drunk lesbian-ā
āBi! Iām fucking bisexual! Just cause you are not my type ā unlike that pretty blue Lady over there ā ā
āExcuse meā¦ has anyone seen Miek??ā
ā¦.so Iāll just stop worrying and drop that here. Nothing to do with the fic I was talking about lately. There just was this random idea that popped up in my mind a few weeks ago and needed to be written down. My bro was like: āThat sounds more like Deadpool than like Loki.ā Heās right. But it was fun to write^^
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