I hope it’s okay to add my story on here, because tumblr was the place that effected me. I’ve never told this story before. I feel like I’m far enough in recovery to be able to speak about it now, though.
TW for spiritual abuse & unreality
Several years ago I moved away from my hometown. I was no longer in school, I was no longer around as many triggers, I was no longer near as many horrible people. It was then when, seemingly all of a sudden, the dissociative symptoms swamped me.
Nothing was real. I had voices and people in my head, who had always been there, but I never realized it until that moment. I couldn’t understand that anything happening to me was actually real. I remember back when I was in my hometown, I thought the world was a game. But even as I was trying to bring myself back to reality, I just could not. Maybe the world was actually a game, I thought to myself.
I became convinced the world was a simulation, or a dream, or a game; what it was changed a lot, but it was always not real. It was like a veil covered everyone else’s eyes and I was the only one who could see this. I was the only one who could see how not real the world was.
My abuser had a habit of telling me I wasn’t human. I was something else. It was always spiritual or supernatural in some way. So, even though I don’t remember how I found them, it makes sense to me that I would turn to spiritual forums and communities for answers.
I went to these communities for help with my dissociative symptoms and they just reaffirmed that these symptoms were actually spiritual. The people in my head? They were actually aliens and spirits possessing me. The voices I heard? They were actually beings from another dimension communicating telepathically with me. The reason I felt like everything was unreal? That was because everything was actually unreal and I’m just special enough to see it. Therapists couldn’t be trusted with this knowledge, they told me. You can only trust the community.
I believed it! I was a child desperately trying to figure out why I was experiencing these things and that was the only answer I could find. Adults were telling me those things, and obviously I trusted them because adults knew what’s best for me.
I was a child being told by adults that I wasn’t mentally ill- I was their chosen one, I was an indigo child, I was psychic, I was an alien-human hybrid, I was a starseed, I was possessed. I passed around from community to community who kept telling me that they had explanations for what I was experiencing and I was diving deeper and deeper into delusion.
That stuff kind of fucks up your head a bit.
Flash forward to a few years to when I’m on tumblr and I hear about "systems” for the first time from a mutual. There I was, hearing about something very similar to what I experienced...but it wasn’t aliens or spirits or whatever. I decided to give it a google search.
I learned about systems and multiplicity through astraeasweb. I was so relieved. Of course what I was experiencing was spiritual! It said so right there on astraeasweb. But maybe what I was experiencing wasn’t aliens or spirits...but instead I was experiencing a system. However, I was convinced that whatever I was communicating with in my head was from a different dimension, it wasn’t something from this world. I must be a gateway system, I thought to myself!
Then I stumbled across something called DID on astraeasweb. I read through their articles on it. I did experience feelings of unreality and amnesia, I realized. So maybe I had this DID, too...?
I thought it was possible because astraeasweb talked about DID as if it was the same thing as every other “multiplicity type.” Because everybody on tumblr talked about DID as if it was just a sub-type of multiplicity.
I found system advice blogs on tumblr to help me out. All of them talked about DID and gateway systems and multiplicity like they were on the same spectrum. I vividly remember asking one advice blog (it was called something like multiplicityfaq) if a gateway system could also be DID? And they told me YES! Ofc they can! They told me that ALL my alters could actually be people I’m communicating with from different dimensions. Because, and I quote them, “Why not? Anything can happen in multiplicity!”
I believed it. Spiritual people on the internet knew everything, after all. I didn’t need to seek therapy or help, because this was the answer.
I started using those multiplicity terms I found in their glossaries. I started marking off which of my alters were walk ins, which ones were fusions (like in steven universe); using all the terms so nicely given to me from these multiplicity websites and blogs. And I continued as a happy little DID gateway system with walk ins and fusions, all while never knowing that these things do not actually occur in DID.
I believed all of these things occurred in DID until someone said it wasn’t possible.
I still remember it. It was a syscourse blog and all they had said was something like “walk ins are not possible in DID. Here’s a link to did-research.” I remember feeling a surge of panic. It wasn’t possible? But I thought I had DID and walk ins! I clicked on the link, because I wanted to know more. I read everything.
My entire world was flipped upside down. Everything suddenly made more sense then it ever had. It all made sense when I learned about DID from an actual informative source on DID. Not some random tumblr blogs, not some anti-psyche websites.
It finally dawned on me that DID was actually a mental illness. It wasn’t just “multiplicity.”
Everything. The trauma, the dissociation, the amnesia, my journal entries, my alters who were so desperately trying to hide the trauma from me, the trauma itself- it was real. This was the first time I was being told it was real. And that my problems weren’t spiritual. They were psychological and it made sense. REALITY made sense. Everything I was going through made sense. I felt like the veil I originally thought was over everyone else’s eyes was actually only on mine, and it was finally being ripped off.
I finally sought help. I went to a psychiatrist, I was evaluated, I was finally getting the help I needed and talking to my professionals about my symptoms and opening up about the trauma.
Unfortunately, the years I was spiritually abused and the year I first found out about systems on tumblr had been completely repressed by my DID. I had this gap in my memory that took place over several RECENT years, which was distressing. For the longest time, I could not remember why or what took place then, until years later into my recovery.
I was pissed off at tumblr. I was pissed off at the endogenic community for not having any nuances, boundaries, or anything like that one fucking syscourse post I saw that could've rescued me from a whole extra year of harm. Instead, it just hurt me more.
Recovering from all of that was harder than recovering from some of my childhood trauma. But I’m so happy to say I am doing a lot better.
I do apologize to the people I’ve distressed in the past through pointless things like “Endos aren’t real. Here’s a link to did-research.” I understand better now that not everyone was in the same shoes as me when I first got introduced to the endogenic community. I know there are genuinely people out there involved in that community who don’t have DID or OSDD. I know they wouldn’t react like how I did to someone saying “Walk ins aren’t real. Here’s a link to did-research.”
As much as I’ve harped on their community for not giving any nuances on DID/OSDD vs endogenic things, I need to preach what I fucking speak and give them the nuance they need too. Because it’s a mixed bag on tumblr. There’s gonna be people like me, people who aren’t like me, and everything in between. Fighting doesn’t help, communication does.
That’s why I think boundaries and nuances are so important. There were none when I first joined tumblr. There were literally like 3 blogs who talked about these issues and that was it. Tumblr is so much better now but it’s not perfect. We need communication, because even tho this is just a stupid blogging website, these things do effect people’s lives. It effected mine, and dingo’s above, and so many more people. Obviously, don’t interact with the people who are mean and want a fight but god PLEASE listen to the people who are actually trying to communicate their needs.
When I was first introduced to multiplicity, the thing I needed the most was boundaries and distinction between what was mental illness and what was not...and I didn’t get that. I want anyone in the future, whether they’re in my shoes or not, to be able to have that nuance. Because if we have those boundaries, then we won’t have confusion, or fighting, or people getting hurt because nobody knows what each other is talking about.
It is bad. It is harmful. But it can absolutely be fixed.
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