A Space for Musings and Amusements

Fair warning. I treat this kinda like a diary it is essentially where I come and bitch about my life or ponder things in my life or if I feel like telling someone about something funny in my life this is the place. So yeah, you have been warned.     Age: early 30's   Pronouns: Honestly gender is a little weird for me right now-I tend to favor They/She

[idontknow1536]

1023

I  just woke up from a dream where I was in the first day of a college level geology class and the professor assigned us to write about a geological phenomenon as if it were a sex scene. I decided to write about the subduction zone along the ring of fire, and after flipping through 2 or 3 notebooks to find a blank page I started writing. Here are a few lines I remember:

They had been in the same orbit for a while- a few billion years to be precise.

Through some re- shuffling their friends had started pushed them together.

The continental plate was a bit of a light weight and low key dummy thick.

As the oceanic plate slowly pushed into the continental plate it sub-ducted, starting slowly to go down under the continental plate. It began to melt under them.

I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but I had to write that one down before I forgot it. 

[idontknow1536]

1022

I’m not sure if it is the fact that I moved to a space of my own where I am not beholden to the time-table, mood and methods of others, that my apartment is mostly clean/organized, the fact I’m not trying to be in charge or even particularly helpful at work or the fact that the certain slant of sunlight has now shifted in my favor, but I’ve been feeling very functional and capable lately with like ideas, curiosity, motivation and stuff. It’s wild.

[idontknow1536]

1021

Things:

I am moving soon and it is awful trying to go through all the things I’ve accumulated in the last 8 or 9 years. I have to go through everything and determine if I care enough about something to keep it. To pack it. To carry it with me. To find a new place for it. There are things I don’t need, don’t use, don’t know what to do with, but I can’t get myself to let go of. I also have things I should care about that I don’t and I worry I will one day regret getting rid of them. Some of them aren’t in bad enough shape to be trash, but I don’t know anyone who would want them or if anyone would want to buy them or what else to do with them.

I’ve had a series of bad brain days recently. It feels like I can barely hold myself together long enough to get through work or the conversation at hand and any time I am not and like I have my shit together I am trying to gather my energy to do it all again. I’ve been eating less and sleeping more. I’ve been neglecting myself- my patterns of maintenance and the structures of my life the base scaffolds on which I have built everything I am. I’ve been talking less. Sometimes the words just refuse to come. Feelings arise in me swelling uncontrollably until the last moment right before they explode from me and I just have to swallow them because I don’t have the time to deal with them. And when I do have the time they aren’t there- they’ve gone back to hiding dispersed throughout my system become a part of the background indecipherable from the rest of me. I’ve thought of just giving up, but I can be stubborn and I don’t see another choice but to keep going.

I fell into a rabbit hole. It started with a series of ‘TikTok’s’- thirst traps, I think, by a cute nb cosplayer doing trope/ ship videos for my hero academia characters. I watched them all. I wanted context. It’s been less than than a week. I’m already on season four and I’m still going. It also got me thinking about dating and my gender and sexuality again. I was already considering it before I watched the videos, but seeing them got me thinking. I’m not sure what sexual attraction feels like. Was I thirst trapped (actually attracted to them) or just lonely and envious looking for emotions I could latch onto to feel something? Maybe a mix of both? I want to be in love. I want to care for someone and for them to care for me. I need someone who will call me on my shit even if i don’t like it. I need someone who can get me out of myself. I feel bad. Like I’m not going to be able to repay whoever it is. I worry I won’t be attracted to them and I won’t be able to do the emotional aspects. I think I should see a therapist and get my shit together before I subject another person to my bullshit. Part of me wonders if that is just me running away from it because I’m scared of being rejected or of being known. I have so many things I want to be, but I have no idea how to be any of them. There are times I’m not even sure who or what I am.

[idontknow1536]

1020

I don’t know why I feel like this. Is it my diet? Is it the certain slant of sunlight? Is it isolation- perceived or real? Is it my changing circumstances? Is it long lost pigeons coming home to roost? Is it just my hormones doing their usual stupid thing? Is it going to end? How can I fix it? How can I be good again? How can I stabilize myself, my life, and my mind? What is the problem? How can I fix it? I need to fix it. I need to be better. I need to stop feeling like this. I need a map to see my way through this. I have to keep going there is no other choice.

[idontknow1536]

1019

Annual Accounting:

To do 2025:

Read  at least 4 physical books: finished Urban Shaman- Jan, cast in Firelight - Feb, halfway to the grave- Apr, Miranda in Milan-aug,this body’s not big enough for the both of us- dec, midnight blue light special-Dec TOTAL: 5.5

Read 75 single issue comic books: 25-Jan, 5 and 1 manga - Feb, 25- mar, 4 trades- apr , 12- jul, 1 trade- Aug, 12-Oct, 1 compendium 16 singles-nov, 23- dec TOTAL: 118 single, 1 manga, 5 trades, and 1 compendium 

Read at least 1 scholarly article- read several web pages on various medical  things, no academic journal articles though

Complete 3 craft projects: finished black-out book(not sure if craft or writing)- Feb, wash cloths- mar/apr/may/ Aug/ nov/dec , finished character drawing-Apr, green and brown belt(friendship bracelet style- may, finished spoons- may, made D-rings and red leather hat strap-jun, hair spirals- Jun/ Aug, simple leather bracelet- Jun, burlap bag with muslin lining and leather closures- jun/ jul, simple brass ring and pseudo brass hoop earrings- jul, backed studded trim tying choker- jul, finished leather sheath for fish knife and leather chalk case- Jul, various rings- jul/ aug, saddle stitch repair on baldric for ex-Oct, leaf looking shawl- sept/ Oct TOTAL: 14+ crafts

Write 2 things: wrote in prompt journal- Jan, did some writing on old stories but didn’t finish anything- summer/ fall

Sew 1 garment: green doublet (trim added)- may/ Jun, red tunic/ dress- Jun, basted dark denim jacket- Oct TOTAL: 2.5

Do faire: Will Scarlett,(bow) with Robin Hood’s merry band (dismissive hand waive)

Go on a walk/ nature hike at least 5 times: wander to and through the woods- mar, thrice round the bog- mar, lovely little lake loop- Apr, loop trail at the wrong season- Apr, arboretum?- Apr, new trail under threat of rain- Aug, hike loop w/ bros- Oct, hike of dubious pathing w/ bros- Oct TOTAL: 8

Go swimming: swam in lake- Jun, water weights class and a couple laps-Dec 

Excercize (yoga, practicing stage combat, weights, jump rope, 45 minute walk, swimming laps, prolonged dancing) 52 times: 1 hour shoveling snow, 1 hour snow walk, an evening bowling and dancing, stage combat weighted weapon poses both arms, 2+ hour walk/ hike, 45+ min nature walk, 30+ min stage combat 2 swords+staff, fight w/partner wood weapons, nature walk and stage combat w/ partner, nature walk 45 min, stage combat practice 4 faire (x11), faire day (walking, stage combat, deference{squats}, and more)-x14, swam in lake, 1+hr nature walk, bonus Faire day(with hills), 2x 1.5+ hr hike w/ brothers, 1+ hour shoveling snow, 45+min water weights class and a few laps TOTAL: 42

Initiate or maintain contact with old friends: texted old co-worker I missed- may , conversed with said co-worker- Jun, arranged Faire trip w/ r+j- sep, meet up w/ hs friend- Dec

Visit graveyard/ cemetery:

Go to doctor: Jan, Feb, mar, may, Jul

Go to dentist: Apr, Jun , Oct

Go to eye doctor: Oct

Get new glasses: apr

See a therapist:

Get another job: temporarily-? Transferred stores- jul, made permanent in aug

Find a home for each category of craft/ craft supply: I think I have it mostly squared away. Need to verify

Sweep entire floor 2 times: vacuumed- Apr, bits and pieces piece-meal-Oct/nov

Keep running/ playing dnd or other ttrpg: finished wild beyond the witchlight- may, ran strixhaven through 3rd yr- paused Oct due to player moving to Europe for 6 months, started 4th ed game bi weekly or so- Nov , playing strahd, ran improv one shot for work folks 

Reduce wardrobe to only things I like/ want to wear or need- reduction in late winter/early spring- Donated some trashed/ recycled the rest

Go through brickerbrack and get rid of things I don’t love/need: started reduction, didn’t complete or actually get rid of things, just started gathering stuff 

Try 3 new recipes: Graham cracker crust and pie fillings- mar, meat/ vegan pasties and vegan pie crust- Jun, improv fried rice- aug, graham cereal s’mores bars- nov TOTAL: 4

Do something new: drive self to er- Feb , got surgery- Apr, had cavities filled- jun, sewed an expilicity men’s garment-may/jun, fixed a hole in my leather boots-Jul, cleaned suede- Aug, saw a deer while wandering through the woods- Aug, attended water weights class- Dec TOTAL: 8

Complete:  16/25 (64%)

Incomplete: 9 /25 (36%)

Attempted but not completed: 7/25 (28-% overall and 77% of incomplete tasks)

All in all not a bad year. I accomplished a fair amount. Here’s to another year.

[funtergeist]

does anyone else have that one article of clothing they wear so much that its like their character design

[apolladay]

how many alarms do you have on your phone (when you open the alarms app, how many are there, whether set or not)

none/I dont have a phone that has alarms

1

2-5

6-10

11-25

26-50

51-75

76-100

101-150

151+

Voting ended onSep 26, 2025

[idontknow1536]

1018

things:

I need to vent. I’m currently very upset because my roommate put away the pasta I made. It sounds so stupid when I say it. It sounds stupid when I think it. They were probably trying to be nice or helpful or something. I’m sure they were not trying to piss me off. I’m probably overreacting, but I am too upset to eat or sleep right now- both things I should be doing since I work early tomorrow and I probably won’t be able to eat until after work or maybe even after my dentist appointment at 4. So-I made homemade pasta today (the noodles from scratch). I cleaned up everything- put away the ingredients, threw away all the trash, dealt with the dishes, put away the equipment, wiped up the inevitable spilt flour. The only thing I left out was the pasta itself on the drying rack clipped to a cupboard door (because that’s the kind I have) so it could thoroughly before being put away. I tried to clip it to the cupboard door that would be least in the way (not my roommate’s food cupboard, not the one above the dish drying rack, not the one where we keep all of our plastic containers, not the one where we keep all of our plates and bowls- the one where one of my roommates keeps their mugs which area not used more than once a day and that’s it. I grant you it is next to the stove, but I clipped it as far away as possible and it’s positioning should not have interfered at all with the use of the stove). I finished making pasta around 2 or 3 this afternoon. I like the pasta to dry for a day before I put it in an airtight container. I went to grab dinner before bed around 9pm. I walk into the kitchen and the pasta is in a plastic container on the table with the lid sealed (under ordinary circumstances we do keep bread adjacent foods in a sealed container if they’re on the table since we do have a cat and she does like bread and she can make it onto the table -but not onto the counter under the cupboards by the stove where we typically keep our bread thus why I thought it would be fine to let the pasta dry there where I’ve dried it before). Upon seeing this I rushed over and immediately tore off the lid (I was in a hurry and bent back one of my nails- it hurt). I proceed to stand there in the kitchen angrily gesturing and silently yelling and swearing for a minute or so until I calmed down enough to try and figure out a work- around. The pasta had all been snapped where it would hang on the rack ( it does sometimes do this itself) and the taco had been put away so I couldn’t just hang it back up. My solution was to put it on the counter out of the way without a lid on it so it can continue to dry as best the circumstances allow. I have not yet spoken to either roommate about this (I’m not 100% sure which one did it, but I’m pretty sure it is the one who is currently online gaming with their friends since they have been home the entire time and are largely responsible for recent changes to the operations of the apartment). I know I should have a conversation about it, but I’m currently angry and I would prefer not to make a bigger deal out of it than is necessary. So I came here to vent so I can hopefully calm down and get to sleep.

I am aware my communication skills are not great. I try to be clear and nice, but I worry it frequently comes off as rude or possessing a tone I did not intend to be there. I somewhat recently had an issue with this at work and yesterday I had a meeting with my boss’s boss about it where I was told I needed to work on it, but not really given much guidance on how to do that and so I have been in my head about this a bit already and the whole pasta thing has certainly not helped the situation.

i did achieve several things today aside from making pasta and a shit ton of gnocchi. I finished a book, took out my room dishes, did grocery shopping and tidied a bit around my bed. Picked up my weekly comics. I just wanted to note that I did achieve something today so it is not just anger and sour emotions here.

[yesornopolls]

Do you have plans for valentines day?

(Please include a show results option)

Do you have plans for valentines day?

Yes

No

See results

Voting ended onFeb 19, 2025

[dat-physics-gal]

You can cast a randomly selected 1st lvl DnD spell in real life now, at will, as often as you want. Verdict?

unfathomable (destructive) power

unfathomable (supportive) power

unfathomable (utility) power

neat i guess

the fuck am i gonna do with that?

i see the big brain option (explain in comments)

results/don't care/bald

Voting ended onFeb 7, 2025

The Randomizer

[dat-physics-gal]

funny wheel #2

Same thing as before, but 2nd lvl spells now. You get this in addition to your 1st lvl one.

unfathomable (destructive) power

unfathomable (supportive) power

unfathomable (utility) power

neat i guess

the fuck am i gonna do with that?

wait this pairs really well with the 1st lvl spell (explain)

shittiest combo of two spells imaginable

bald

( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡° )

Voting ended onFeb 8, 2025

[shamebats]

[feverdreamfigment]

[angelbabyspice]

Your fave quintessential early 2000s anime that you watched in 3 parts on YouTube from 2006-2009

Lucky Star

Death Note

Soul Eater

Bleach

Ouran High School Host Club

Code Geass

Black Lagoon

Gurren Lagann

Naruto

Clannad

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

Voting ended onJan 17, 2025

[idontknow1536]

1017

Time for my annual accounting:

To Do 2024

Read 75 (single issue) comics: 35. (46.66%)

Read 5 physical books: when sorrows come- March, the drowning city- oct, boy proof- Oct (60%)

Read at least 1 scholarly article

Go to a graveyard at least 3 times: pioneer cemetery- dec (33%)

Go for a hike atleast 3 times: bog walk- feb, wild wander (near home)- feb, wander to the unknown and back- mar, several solo wanders aug/ Sep, sibling hike - oct

Sew atleast 1 garment - dress for the wedding- Apr , reversible bodice-June, yellow shirt- jun,salmon over skirt- jun, shoulder cloak-Aug 

Complete atleast 3 craft projects : finished winter embroidery kit-Jan, knit yellow shawl- Feb , chain maile choker and bracelets- Apr, several washcloths-sept/oct, pumpkin baby hat- sept, homemade paper score pad- sept, few rings- aug

Get rid of old/ unused clothing - took 1 bag to donation center- Apr

Weed bookshelf: pulled a few-dec

Weed clothing: made 1 bag to go away, more to do

Reach out to old friends (atleast 3): contacted/ met up with r+j

Go through drawers in desk and closet: went through desk drawers- Jan, closet drawers- dec

Organize craft stuff: a few attempts were made, found a place for my ever increasing ribbon horde, and leather working gear, but not for severs other project types.

Sweep floor atleast twice : broom swept in bits over the course of a week or so Mar/Apr, broom spot sweep Dec

Create a routine for taking care of myself 

Get a new job 

Go to the doctor - sept, dec

Go to the dentist (2x)- sept, Oct

Go to the eye doctor - Oct

Do faire- Mary Shepherd, shepherd 

Excercize atleast once a week - depends on definition of excercize but definitely not.

Try 3 new recipes: Cacio E Pape Di Leonardo Vignoli and Porchetta Di Vito Bernabei- late Jan/ early Feb, mashed potatoes from scratch-late Feb, French bread braids- early March, teriyaki steak and green beans, easy fried rice, potstickers (from scratch) and strawberry freezer jam- mid March cooking explosion , perogi- Oct, Rastons-Jun, German bread- Aug 

Do something new : built book case- Jan, attended a house warming party- Feb, made a meme- April, made dentist appointment- sep, got servsafe certified- Oct, went to a friend’s (medieval themed)wedding- may, finish two books on the same day- Oct 

Fully and definitively Complete: 10 (43.5%)

Technically complete due to wording, but not satisfactorily so: 5 (21.7%)

Attempted/ partial: 5 (21.7%)

Not done, even a little bit : 3 (13%)

[iknowitwontwork]

what is the first thing that comes to ur mind when u think of the person u rb'd this from?

[idontknow1536]

1016

what the fuck is wrong with me? I am feeling a lot of things right now- a fun mix of anger and sorrow and guilt and just a lot of shit and I can’t really explain why.

I made a turkey today because I had bought it after thanksgiving for cheap. I made broth this morning with the gizzards . I processed the turkey into small bits and bigger bits. I then boiled the carcass with some turkey still on it intending to make it into soup. I boiled it for hours I then poured the broth into a pan through a filter to catch the bones and then I was going to pull the bones out and add the turkey back into the broth while I waited for it to cool enough to process. My roommate made their dinner and I ate mine. They then told me I had to finish my stuff, run the dishwasher and take out the garbage. I then finished my food went to go pull out the bones realized I wasn’t going to eat it and it was way too much work so I should probably just throw it away but then was like that’s too much time and energy spent not to mention the fact that it was still good food and i shouldn’t just throw it all out then my roommate came in while I was going back and forth with myself and was like I just throw things out all the time I just clean a lot so i just throw things out all the time and in my head I was like shut up. You think you’re helping but you’re not. You’re just making it harder. Please just shut up. I was mostly decided to throw it out before that but her talking about it made it harder so I ended up just standing there by the sink spiraling for a few minutes until I forced my self to just dump it after which I felt like shit but I had committed so I followed through. I’m exhausted and upset now and it makes no goddamned sense. Why am I like this?

[idontknow1536]

1015

Things:

I hate it when I reach a situation where I have to send a message or do something socially and I’m just like I don’t have the emotional intelligence to properly handle this. Emotions are not my strong suit and I worry it makes me a bad friend because I don’t know how to handle emotional situations with my friends.

Im getting annoyed with my roommates because they aren’t communicating with me. Most of the time I don’t mind sharing things- but it’s annoying when I go to look for something I know I have/ had and it isn’t there so I have to play did I do that and forget about it or did I move it or did something else happen to it. I had an onion on the table that I planned to use in a recipe and then didn’t end up needing it so it just stayed there. Apparently it started to rot and my roommate threw it out. I still believing it was there started cooking something else intending to use the onion then not being able to find it when I needed it went on an onion hunt after a few minutes I asked my roommate if they knew what happened to it at which point I learned that it’d gone bad and been tossed. I wasn’t annoyed by the fact it’d been thrown out so much as the fact that nobody had said anything about it so I had to leave the house in my cozy at home pjs and cloak to get an onion for my soup on a day which I had planned to spend entirely in my apartment. Also my 24 pack of soda that I can only account for the use/ location of 8 bottles and which has otherwise entirely disappeared.

[idontknow1536]

1014

things:

I hate being sick. I always feel like such a baby for getting knocked on my ass for like 3-5 days and essentially just taking myself out of society. Sure I have a feaver of 102 but like why am I not able to function normally it’s just a feaver. It’s not even that I feel terrible through most of it I just can’t function normally so I end up just doing nothing. The symptoms are just annoying. I just want to be functional. This shit is dumb.

I always forget how insulted I am. Most of my friends have similar values to me and most other people just don’t talk about that sort of thing in public. I tend not to talk about my beliefs and stuff in public because they are personal and people don’t generally ask plus I tend to heavily moderate myself to avoid uncomfortable and exhausting situations. I also have a bad habit of assuming my perspective is a “normal” or standard one.

i try to understand other’s perspectives but I have an unfortunate attachment to familiar patterns so sometimes I’ll be like ‘what monster left the rice scoop in the rice’ at work but I’ll also just leave things within arms reach of the last place I used them instead of putting them ‘away’ or get irritated when my roommate cleans up the thing I left out to use/ clean up later. I may just be self centered.

i worry I am shit at my job and everyone hates working with me because I suck and am not nice or likeable or particularly social. I worry I take too much onto myself at work. If something is wrong it’s my problem to deal with. I worry I delegate too much and my coworkers think I’m lazy. I worry I interfere too much and my coworkers think I’m just in the way. I worry I am always the weak link on my shifts. I am aware that some of these are contradictory, but that doesn’t stop me.

I'm not feeling great right now.