Journal For When I Cant Journal

I just want all the pieces of me to be put back together and in the right order.

[gentle-reminder]

gentle reminder

your best memories may not have happened yet; stick around, please

[idontwannacryjournal]

10/15/2018

I requested today off because of our anniversary trip. I could have gone into work today since we didn’t go, but meh. I really wanted him to go to work today so I could have a day without tension. He finally left, and did my favorite thing /end sarcasm left with saying goodbye. If I’m being honest I really hate him right now. Like, fuck you. You mark my words, when we do finally end up talking he’ll say it was me not talking to him. He’ll partially be right, but, he’s the one who told me to fuck off. I tried two other times and was met with angry or pitiful monosyllabic answers. He has spoken 10 words to me. No. (After I aske him if he’d like the tv) Happy Anniversary. (After I wished him one first). Do you know where the broom is? I take it back. 11 words. I was shampooing the carpet where the litter box sits and he was in the back bedroom watching tv so I ask if it was ok if I shut the door so it wouldn’t be so loud in there. He said yeah. That’s it. That’s the whole of our exchange.

I wish I had a better job. I mean I like mine and I’m getting experience which is what I need but at times like this, I wish I had more money. I wonder if I left would he notice. If he did at what point would he care? I guess ultimately it doesn’t matter. I’ll keep on keepin’ on and eventually we’ll talk, establish everything is my fault and move on with me trying to remember all the rules, and when I forget enough times it’ll start all over again. Until it doesn’t, I guess, one way or another.

How did I get here? How am I this person? I’m horrified to realize I’ve married the embodiment of my parents. Especially my mother who taught me to fear her rather than respect her.

Guess I’ll eat then head to the grocery store like I planned.

[idontwannacryjournal]

10/13/18. My Anniversary.

We’re in the middle of a fight. He was so mad at me he canceled our anniversary trip. So we’re home. Not speaking. Avoiding each other. Because I’m the asshole who doesn’t compliment him enough. Or do enough around the house. Or leave the door unlocked when it gets dark. (We’ll ignorance the fact I’ve been asking him for years to do it for me, but whatever.) Or in lieu of that leaving the porch light on. Which I almost always do (and he doesn’t). But whatever, I’m the cause of all our problems.

I really want to talk about it with someone, but I don’t see my therapist until Tuesday. I’ve talked to BFF about it some over text but I don’t want to be that person who’s whiny and unhappy. Plus, I don’t want to spoil her weekend. The other people I might talk to about it are his family and we know how I feel about that. So I have no one. I guess that’s karma and what I deserve.

I tried an olive branch twice. I was met with monosyllabic petulance and anger. I wished him a happy anniversary and left him a gift. I hadn’t gotten him one because usually the trip is enough. I found a copy of our vows, which is weird because I was lamenting I didn’t have a copy of them, and rolled them up with a ribbon and a card. He probably hasn’t opened it. He’s petty enough not to.

So I sit around trying to pretend the tension isn’t getting to me. I’m so fucking tense and stressed I’m surprised none of my muscles have snapped.

I don’t feel like I’m a bad person. Would you know if you were? I feel like no matter what it won’t be enough, or good enough. Like I should just resign myself to that and check out and be whatever. Maybe my meekness and surrender will be enough. I’ll go back to keeping everything to myself. How are you? Fine. How’d you sleep? Fine. How was your day? Fine, oh and you look really nice today. That’ll be my life. Beats this emotional abuse and manipulation.

Back to watching tv I guess. Should I have more wine? I had half a bottle last night. Maybe later right before bed.

[juansendizon]

[idontwannacryjournal]

10/09/2018

I’m back because bipolar boy is back.  I’m not complimenting him again.  It’s true, I’m not.  But I’ve been better about initiating sex so... I don’t know.  I don’t do enough around the house.  I think he thinks I’m home at noon every day.  On average, I’d say about 4 or 5.  but that’s still hours earlier than him.  He gets home around 8.  But he takes the train in and home.  So he came home and was mad because I hadn’t taken out the trash or something.  First off, I never do, the gardener usually does it so I don’t think about it.  I did notice today and thought I’d do it in the morning or later after I made dinner and was done with throwing stuff out.  But of course this was the day I should have just done it.  I came home after 5.  Made and ate dinner, came up stairs and paid bills which requires me shuffling money around and making sure I send stuff to the right account, ( i made that mistake once).  So when he got home at 8 I was just finishing up.  I could tell he was mad.  I tried to ignore it and be pleasant.  I started unloading the dishwasher while he took out the trash. I was then accused of only cleaning up because he was.  I tried to explain what I had been doing but, of course I was lying.  Then he started loading the dishwasher.  I told him I was doing that and he refused to let me finish.  He wanted to do it so he could be the martyr.  Fine whatever.  Then of course every so often he’d come and tell me how I don't’ compliment him, how it must be so hard for me living with someone I don’t admire or find attractive. That I should find someone I care about before I get too old.  I made him repeat that.  Then I asked why are you leaving me?  He says no, but I’m clearly not happy.  He’s always telling me how I feel and what I’m thinking.  Incorrectly.  He’d worked himself up into a tizzy and declared he was canceling our anniversary trip, went into his office, I started to follow him.  I was leaving him alone to cool down.  I let him come and yell at me with the hope he’d calm down.  So I thought, maybe I should have gone to him instead, and began to follow him. He slammed the door.  I knocked softly, instead of walking in, and he told me to fuck off. Well, alrighty then.  We’ll call that a boundary and I’ll walk away. There was also something in there about me not leaving the light on the front porch so he can see his keys.  Guys.  I’ve been asking him for years to do this for me.  Or maybe if he’s home, don’t lock the door. But now suddenly he want’s it so it must be done.  Honestly, I almost always leave the light on for him.  Today I didn’t because I didn’t expect to be upstairs so long doing the bills and stuff.  He actually argued with me about paying the pg&e.  I told him it isn’t an auto pay I have to manually pay it.  No it goes to the credit card. Yes because I send it there.  You can only do auto pay with a checking account.  But I’m lying.  OK.  

I found a new therapist.  I haven’t told him.  I’ve been hesitating bringing this up with her.  I think I need to now.  I guess I’ll give her the link to this blog and let her read it.  Go from there.  If I’m a terrible human, I want to be better.  So I’ll work on it.  I’m going to put a reminder in my phone to compliment him like every two days.  See how that goes.  I’m also gonna go get my list of things to do and not to do and start keeping that in mind again.  

Daily List

Listen better. Stay out of the way, especially when working on something. Gauge whether help should be offered or not. Don't tell what to do - find a better way. Don't correct or point out mistake or wrong, especially in front of anyone. Even joking.Don't bring up [name]. Engage more. Show more aggression, assertiveness. Initiate sex more. Don't bring up snoring. If asked how I slept, always say fine. Don't say anything negative. Don't show hurt feelings, don't show emotions. Don't turn down TV while sleeping. Do more housework. Talk less, smile more. Be careful of his feelings, don't make him feel bad. Argue with even if I'm afraid to. Clearer in my sexual advances. Be more vocal about compliments. Be more obvious about showing love. Don't move out of the way to let through.​

[idontwannacryjournal]

07/11/2018

After my graduation, DH took me to Le Cirque at the Bellagio for dinner.  It was amazeballs!  At the end of the meal, they gave us each a little satin damask box.  It closed up and had two little drawers in it.  Each one contained a truffle.  I saved mine because I horde and save things.  I even carried it on the plane with me so it wouldn’t melt. I came home put it in the fridge to keep until I was ready for my treat.  I came down stairs a couple of days ago, Sunday, I think, and DH had eaten my treat.  All the while claiming he thought it was his.  He knows it wasn’t.  I told him he ate his already.  Then blew his lie by saying he only ate one.  I said his was probably melted somewhere.  He claims he thought he put it in the fridge, he knows he didn’t.  I was so fucking pissed. It’s not like I can just go to the store and get another one.  Shit like this makes me want to retaliate and be petty.  I still may..  I’m extraordinarily hurt by that.  And he does this shit all the time.  I’m always trying to hide shit so he doesn’t find it.  He’s giving me food issues!  It’s not like I’d say no if he asked for something or just told me he took the last of something.  I would have said no to the truffles probably or offered him one.  BUT HE DIDN’T ASK.  I hate this shit.  How did he live with roommates?  How did they not kill him?

In other news, I’m up for a new job.  Yes I still have the old one that I really love, but this one pays 35% more an hour, is full time, full benefits & perks.  It’s located in town, too.  Downside? I’d have to work weekends and holidays, and if one of the holidays we actually had off falls on a Monday or Tuesday, I’d still have to go in because of payroll.  Quality of life, man…  Here, at this job, I have a lot of freedom.  Less hours and money, but you know…I guess we’ll see how it goes.

I’m also trying to figure out about paying bills and stuff.  He’s got one of the credit cards set up to auto pay minimum payments from his personal (read not joint) checking account.  I haven’t touched it.  I’m paying the other one.  He made an offhand comment about my paying the household bills.  Well a lot of those fall on the CC he’s got set up.  We haven’t had a full blown conversation about it.  Another time a few months ago he asked how much he’d have to deposit into the joint account to cover.  I had no idea because I don’t keep numbers in my head and had no idea what my student loan payment was going to be.  So I threw out a random number.  I’m sure it was wrong, and he looked a little surprised, but what did he expect?  I’m working part time.  I don’t make that much.  So, that has to be figured out.  

This is why the other job would be good, but I’d never get to do anything.  I guess my weekend days would have to be Wednesday and Thursday because I have to work MTFSS.  Oh well.

[idontwannacryjournal]

06/20/2018

I am the worst at regular updates.  That’s ok. It’s just a journal and it’s really only for me and my peace of mind.  Sadly I only seem to journal when I’m in a bad mood.  The good news is, I got a job I really like (part time) at a place I really like that’s close to home.  I also just got two kittens who are adorable.  They are keeping the other one occupied which was the point.  I didn’t expect him to go all mamma kitty, though. Who knew?

The other side is I’m tired. The last few weeks have been super busy between work, trips and fostering a six pack of kittens.  Which means a lot of stuff doesn’t get done. The husband made sure I was aware of it this morning before he left for work.  I’m not pulling my share.  But honestly, I look around and am like well, what are YOU doing besides leaving your laundry and dirty dishes around?  The kittens went potty on some of his clothes that he left lying around.  I mean, they are only maybe 8 weeks old.  I moved those clothes into the laundry room to wash later.  Apparently, later they went potty on something else and he moved the litter box into the carpeted living room.  My guess is at the spot where they had an accident.  I have a plastic liner in the box.  It’s too big so it hangs out over sort of making a train around it.  One of the kittens went pee and their aim is not always good, but it landed on the plastic so I dumped it into the box and moved it back where it was on the tile.  Then he decided they should either be locked up in the laundry room or up in the bedroom with us.  So I locked them up because the upstairs is all carpeted.  I said when they could climb the stairs; they could come hang with us.

The other thing is, one of the cats is getting into fights through the screen door, so at night we have to close it.  Last night I turned on the house fan, and opened the sliding door to air out the house, cool it down because it’s been hot.  So I left him downstairs, thinking last one up would close up and lock up the kittens.  He came to bed then asked me if I’d closed the door and locked up the kittens.  No.  I hadn’t.  So I got up and was kind of snarky about it.  

I guess I’ll go do that.  As I was locking up the kittens I was (half) joking about how I had to lock them up in jail. Evidently he heard me and was like why don’t you bring them up here.  No. When they can do it on their own, they can come up.  

So this morning he wakes me up to tell me I haven’t been pulling my weight.  I explained I’ve been really tired  I’ll try to do better.  Because if I can catch up on my rest it won’t be an issue.  I fell asleep standing up in the shower.  I’M TIRED.  Then he said maybe it wasn’t the best idea putting the litter box near the clothes in the laundry room.  I thought, they were already soiled by them, soooooo… but I said nothing, thinking maybe there were other clothes I didn’t know about, I would check before making statements.  Then in an irritated clipped tone he said something to the effect of I took care of some you can do the rest.  I said yup.

When I went downstairs, the only clothes were the ones I put in there to start with, so I think he thinks the cats peed on them after I put the box in there, when in reality they had already done it.  Granted they may have done it again, but whatever.  So I think he was salty about that.  He also let the kittens out of jail and put the litter box on the carpet again.  *eyeroll* I kinda wished he’d left them in there because I have to take them to the vet today and it would make it easier to catch them.  I put them in the laundry room before I left.  “Mamma kitty” was unhappy.  What a sweet boy he can be.  Anyway, I could make my case, but we all know how he feels about me doing that.  It’s just excuses.  Then he’ll throw something else I’ve done wrong at me.  Rather than it being a misunderstanding, it becomes right and wrong.  Again, we all know how he hates to be wrong.  Then he left without saying goodbye.  We all know how I LOVE that.  

Oh, he also informed me I needed to mail a package.  That, I know you’re working but you have way more time than I do.  

This is part of the anxiety I had about getting a job.  I knew, because it happens every time, that I start working but I still have to keep doing all the household stuff.  That pisses me off.  But if I bring that up, he gets defensive and blah, blah, blah.  

So here I am, venting into my journal so I can think straight and figure out what to do.  Do I confront him?  Do I say nothing?  Do I continue on with my as of yet unsolidified plan of time management and organization?  Do I bring it up?  Do I keep it to myself?  What happens if I find a second job?  Then what? Conversations will need to happen for sure.  I think they should happen in front of someone else.  I’ve said before I don’t want to do marriage counseling with him because I’m afraid he’ll weaponize the sessions, but sometimes there needs to be a moderator, I think.  

Anyway, I’ll make up my plan, based on to-do lists and we’ll see where it gets me.  Also, I’m going to squirrel money away.  I haven’t been.  But if I do 20% a month, it’s what’s recommended.  If I do it since I’ve been working it’ll be a good amount of money. Student loan payments will be starting soon, so I may have to reduce that number.  Ugh.  I hate adulting.

[idontwannacryjournal]

03/26/2018

His new thing is telling me how he thinks I should get up earlier.  Yeah you read that right.  I figure, I’m going to get a job, and my days of sleeping in will be over.  Can I enjoy my last moments of sleeping in, please.  He literally comes in and reminds me how we agreed I should get up earlier.  Yeah.  Like I’m 5.  I’m a grown ass adult.  I’ll get up when I fucking feel like it.  Except I don’t because I don’t want a fight.  We wont talk about how I was up at 5:30 am and couldn’t go back to sleep until 7.  Or how it happen two nights before I woke up at 2 am and couldn’t go back to sleep.  Yes, I have insomnia.

He left it alone for a while and then did it again this am.  Asking if I’d emailed the office that might hire me to touch base.  No, because it’s Monday morning and I’m in bed reading email.  Well, he condescendingly tells me that it would look better if my email was sent in the morning, it’d say ‘hey I can get up early’.  Seriously? Who the fuck cares?

I think the next time he brings it up I’ll tell him I’ll get up earlier when he wears his breathing machine at night.  That’s mostly the reason I’m up.  He snores like a lumber jack.  I have to wear ear plugs and sleep earphones turned up loudly to cancel him out.  How well do you think I’m sleeping like that.  I like the wax ear plugs, they are the most comfortable but if I leave them in over night, they trap moisture and my ear canal fills with fluid.  So I can can’t do those for long periods of time.  The foam ones work better but they hurt and the make my ears itch something awful.  So that’s helpful when sleeping.  

The time I get the best sleep, because he’s an early riser, is when he gets up in the morning at like 4 or 5 and I get the bed to myself. It’s even better if I can lock the cat out because he’s crazy. 

Even with all that, it’s not like I’m a morning person.  I never have been so why is he trying to change who I am.  I don’t go around trying to change him.  Which he acknowledges that I don’t, and yet.  Such a lovely double standard.

Earlier tonight, he put on a tv show and I asked him what it was, but didn’t hear him the first time because I was about to sneeze lol.  So I asked him again.  He says to me, “They’re talking!” Well excuse me for trying to take an interest and being mistaken (I’m not sure I was but I’ll cop to it) that it was the previews, like, last week on...  It was on demand, too.  It wasn’t even like it was live.  The thing that gets me, is he does the same thing. Not only that he is so noisy.  I just hit pause and wait fort him to pass.  Double standard much.  Seems to be a lot of our relationship.

I could have called him out, but tomorrow is his birthday.  I will not do to him what he did to me on mine.  I even went out and bought stuff to make breakfast in the morning and dinner that night.  Because I’m not an asshole.  

One of his birthday presents is missing.  I don’t know where it is.  I think he moved it.  It was in an Amazon envelope.  I can’t find it anywhere.  I usually lose things in the same places.  I’d bet money I didn’t move it.  Well, if it ever turns up it’ll be like second breakfast.  I don’t give a shit if he finds it.  I’m half tempted to not wrap the other gift. I don’t even have a card.  Not that he got me one.  So call it even.  I didn’t even get a token gift. He said we could do a dinner and nothing came of that either.  Guess if I want that I’ll have to plan it.  Just like my graduation party he was supposed to throw. 

Oh, and earlier he was talking about a picture that he took today and posted on FB.  It was about how the cherry tree and the plumb tree seemed to have cross pollinated.  The blossoms look similar.  They are not the same.  I went out and checked later.  He then went on to say, “Watch [cousin who is into gardening] post an explanation.  Like thanks I didn’t have 30 seconds to google it.”  He’s already peeved at a incident that didn’t happen.  He’s so irritated that someone may correct him, or prove him wrong before it even happens.  I mean we all know what goes down when that happens. ~insert epic eye roll~ That’s why I just said, “I don’t know.  I don’t grow things, I just kill them.”  There was no way I was going to go down that road.  One, self preservation, I have some.  Two, he had an interview today and I’m not a dick. I wasn’t going to send him off distracted.  

I’ll go look around my bedroom one last time and see if I can find the envelope. If not then I’m going to read.  Fuck it.

UPDATE:  He apologized for snapping at me over the tv show.  He said he didn’t realize he could pause it because it wasn’t working correctly earlier.  I apologized too, said I thought it was the previews.  I think he no they weren’t I’m not sure he was walking out of my office as he said it then called back, “I’ll just pause it in the future.”  I”m trying hard to believe that wasn’t passive aggressive. 

[lyjerria]

as you get older, you realize that you’re not always right and there’s so many things you could’ve handled better, so many situations where you could’ve been kinder and all you can really do is forgive yourself and let your mistakes make you a better person.

[auntymurda]

“The axe forgets; the tree remembers.”

— African proverb (via perfect)

[fuckupsuggestion]

Always remember that you didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

[idontwannacryjournal]

They buried my aunt today.

[idontwannacryjournal]

3/6/2018

We had a conversation about financial expectations and relationship stuff (sort of) it was all very polite. After sitting with it for a day, (because I felt ambushed since I was just sitting down to breakfast) I feel like the conversation was really about how I’m wrong. I’ll admit I was feeling defensive the minute he sat down with his notebook and pen and began taking notes about our conversation.  That’s when I turned on the recorder on my phone, because fuck that. Anyway, now it just seems like he took a back handed way of telling me all my expectations are wrong.

This morning, I had just finished eating breakfast and had on The River Wild and he asked why Kevin Bacon had on hiking boots. So I proceeded to tell him the plot of the story, which I though would explain why they were ill prepared. Apparently that didn’t adequately explain why he had on hiking boots on a river rafting trip.  What it did do was show him how I wanted to be a know it all and point out how he was wrong. Well, that wasn’t my intention I was just excited to tell you about the plot of the movie because it was a fun movie.  But no, I was a know it all.  So, I apologized, that wasn’t my intent and came up stairs.  I feel like this says more about him than me.  No one else has had this problem with me, that I know of.  I think this highlights his need to be right and never told he’s wrong.

Meanwhile, I got an email about a possible job interview.  They need me to respond to them, answer some questions and I’m too flustered to do it. So, I’m writing things down to purge them in hopes of pulling it together.  I’m not even going to tell him.  I can’t deal with him telling me I’m responding wrong.  My hands are already shaking.

Plus, I asked him where the vitamin c and echinacea were ( I think he gave me his cooties) and he said well you have a bottle of each there on the table.  OK. How weird was that?  I bout two bottles of each (buy one get one) at his request and he took two.  Like why wouldn’t I just use the open bottle?  Is this a time where we’re doing they separate thing? I really need some black and white guidelines, because I have no idea.  I think I’ll go take a hot shower and try to calm down so I can respond to this email properly.

[unbotheredmuse]

the woman you’re becoming will cost you people, relationships, spaces, and material things. choose her over everything.

[idontwannacryjournal]

3/4/2018

Me: ~In a really freaking great mood for a change. It’s Oscar Sunday, my favorite!~

DH: ~comes in the room with an angry face and stands behind the chair I’m sitting in~ I’m not going to look for a job anymore.

Me: ~taking his hands~ Why do you say that?

DH: Because I don’t want to.

Me: OK.  Why?

DH: You’re not trying very hard to find a job.

Me: Do you want to see my spreadsheet of jobs I’ve applied for? (130+ by the way since mid November)

DH: That doesn’t matter.  You can’t just do it online.  You have to call people and send letters.

Me:  OK...  I’ll try that.  Why are you so angry?

DH: ~as he’s walking out of the room~ You can’t even give me the one page resume.*

*a contact of his asked us for a one page resume I think Thursday.  I hadn’t given it to him yet. I just emailed it to him.

I mean...  I’m really starting to wonder if he’s bipolar.  So, there goes my good mood.  Now I’m in my office trying to fight down a panic attack.  I should really just go drive my car off a cliff.

[idontwannacryjournal]

3/1/2018

He’s been super happy for the past couple of weeks. I guess he’s on his “high” cycle. I’ve been waiting for the plunge to happen. It might be starting. I obviously can’t diagnose him as bipolar but there seems to be similarities.

He’s on a cleaning and purging kick. This happened the last time he was laid off. He was manic and mean. Walking on eggshells sucks.

In addition to all this, my aunt passed away. So, it’s been a great couple of weeks.

Yeah, something’s up.  He felt the need to reprimand me about how to store the fireplace ashes.  He’s not wrong, I just don’t appreciate the condescension. Same with cleaning the laundry room, which was on my agenda today anyway.  

The Mirena is wearing off and I am remembering how hard it is with out it doing it’s job.  I kind of need to enact spoon theory to get things done.  His interference makes it hard, because  I have a plan that will allow me to get the maximum amount of stuff done with the energy I have, but he comes in and throws it out of whack wanting things done in a different order and timing.  It’s fine.  I’ll figure it out.  He doesn’t realize and I don’t say anything for fear of a fight.  Onward and upward.

I just got chastised for making noise coming to bed. Tomorrow I’ll ask if he remembers me asking him to tell me when he’s going to bed so I could handle taking my meds and shit before he goes to sleep. But his snoring like a lumberjack is a ok. Before you get all defensive for him, he has a cpap he’s supposed to be using because his sleep study numbers were APPALLING! Like serious health issue appalling. But you know I should keep quiet do he can sleep. I can just deal wearing earplugs and headphones to drown him out. 

 I’ve done nothing right today again. Well I guess that’s not true but I’ve probably done more wrong than right. I think I’ll try to leave the house tomorrow and be gone for the day. Pack up some shit to keep me busy. Maybe see a movie, too. I don’t have the energy to pussyfoot around.

[arabwife]

I became soooo private with my life, I used to tell my friends everything. Now I don’t tell anyone shit. & If you ask, I’m always good.