so, i just logged into this account again. i’ve been gone a good while but god am i amazed at what’s happened since i left this blog.
i graduated high school. with shitty marks, yes. having dragged myself through when everything fell apart around me, yes. battered and bruised and defeated and deflated, yes. but i did it.
i was so lost and broken when i finished school. i sat in my room by myself for months and i was so lonely and it hurt but i reached out for help. im finally in the process of making my way through the public mental health system. i hope i can finally sort this out, on my own this time.
i’m doing a music degree. and like, a decent one. i don’t know how i got here but i am. i’m in string ensemble (second chair !!!!) and orchestra and hopefully soon musical theatre and fuck its amazing. i’m good at what i’m doing. thats never happened before.
no one at uni uses my birth name. no one knows it. its so strange to think, the first place i ever used my name was on here because i was so, so scared of being wrong. there were no consequences on here. i am so glad i had this space. i most likely would have been dead by 16 without it.
even though its going okay, this whole ‘being an adult’ thing, i cant help feeling like im just waiting for it to all go wrong. that some things are just wrong. like on the days when i cant talk, and people wont stop asking why and i wish my friends were there because they dont make it weird, they just make accomodations and its fine. like when im anxious and need to leave but i cant because i cant risk people thinking im weird, that i dont make sense. like when i sit up the back of a lecture and rub the bones in my hands together until they ache because i cant handle the prospect of explaining, ‘no, its not a toy, its a tangle, i need it, please dont touch it.’ i feel so alone and its only a matter of time until pushing everything away comes back to blow up in my face.
some days i cant remember that kid that started to vent on this blog. other days i am them. wholly. entirely. consumed with that heaviness and that humming panic and that i-dont-want-to-be-alive-ness. but then i think that if ive got here with so much weight, then maybe one day i will be okay enough to be independent.
to have a job again.
to have a partner, dogs.
maybe adopt a kid.
i have to cling on to that because i never had a plan to be here but i want plans, i want to stick around long enough to maybe make something for myself. thats something i would never have said as a sad fourteen year old. and thats amazing.
