I held him down and put a glass plate over his head so I wouldn't be able to see him and my heart raced as I held the hammer and I didn't know whether I wanted to kill him or not. I felt so desperate to stop and be with him again, but then I bright up the hammer and I smashed it down and I kept smashing it down until his head was nothing but mush. I lifted up the plate and nothing was there. I walked outside into the rain and chaos was erupting in the form of a huge storm. I went to this spring made of pastel colors and I jumped in. I decided I wasn't going to go back home. I was going to stay there and swim every day and life life happily. The lenses sometimes crack and split into a thousand crystals and they all gently float
I grab at them and they dance away, I can’t be sure which I’ll finally hold but once I get one I’m flung
Deeper and deeper into the numbness, sometimes I’m covered in grey water droplets, and I’m cold, shivering, with nowhere to place my feet, just suspended like
I myself am a crystal, waiting to be grabbed, lolling in a dark ocean, not able to make any real decisions, just being swept this way
And that. That’s when the terror comes in. The tightening of my chest. I remember who I am, right now, in this reality, and I become paralyzed.
I try to surrender but they’ve already cut off my limbs and I have no previous knowledge as to why, just muscle memory, where my body used to be, where I used to be able to bring my fingers into my palm and fan them back out again. When I used to keep my hands in a fist without realizing it. There’s blotchy memories of driving my car into a cliff. Being beaten with a metal rod. Bleach being forced down my throat. Naked, swimming in mud with a smile on my face. Eating flowers. Pulling hairs from the roots.
Flung again. I’m all together. My hands are still in a fist. I release it.
And so I lie here. I try not to wallow in this disconnect but I fear it’s too prevalent to ignore. The moon. Maybe it’s the moon.
Maybe it’s nothing at all. In case I forget, amusing because it’s encoded in my DNA, I have metal in my veins. Not the kind that shows up on x-rays but the kind that lives in a different dimension of energy, but still resides right next to my thick red blood, and cools it down. I have forged it into swords and axes to destroy my enemies in life times before this one. Perhaps forged it to even destroy myself. It feels right in my bones to say that. The image of blood on cracked lips and stained clenched teeth flashes in my mind over and over again reminding me of the agony behind the pain accompanying lingering death. I hadn’t had time to reflect until I had died myself, and was reborn. And then, and now, I have a life time. I simply want to lick the blood away and sew up the wounds with my good intentions but they’ve already gotten too deep. Time sticks in every single second. It will last there, between life, between death, untouched. I can create ten thousand more realities and lap up as much as I want but that reality will still be there and my attention will still be towards more death. Cracks between lives hold all my rotting glory. Hold everyone’s decaying pride. This moment, now, is all that matters, and my heart is aching pure. Kevin died the 25th of September 2016 at 4pm. I keep dreaming of the same house. It has multiple rooms and I keep wanting to add more roommates. I discovered a huge part of one of the rooms last night. It has stairs that lead down to this area with about 6 beds and a huge dining area almost like a small boarding school. There is also a big dock with a lake and I have water skis that I use to get around. They are having a water sports competition and I passed by it. I decided that I wanted to visit there often. I had a room that wasn't great in the house and wanted to move rooms but thought that if someone wanted to pay a lot for the big room then I couldn't afford to not allow them to. There was also this Coke head that lived in one of the rooms without our knowledge and I had to politely kick her out. She said a drug dealer was going to come and get his drugs and kill someone.
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