she smiles at you briefly and it feels like the sun has kissed your face
you watch her play basketball, cheering like you understand the sport
she pulls her boyfriend over to you and tells him that you’re her best friend
you smile at him, but you know it doesn’t reach your eyes
when you get home that night you press your face into your pillow and try not to think about how pretty she looks with himÂ
she laughs at something you said in class the next day, walking with you to lunch and taking you to sit with her friends that you don’t really talk to
your hands brush hers and she doesn’t pull them away, instead leaving them hanging dead in the air next to yours
God must be punishing you because why else would He put you in this situation akin to a hell
she breaks up with her boyfriend and you spend an hour in front of the mirror practicing the face you will make when she tells you
you didn’t want to look happy, even though you were
she comes to your house and you call her baby as you open up your arms and she crashes into you
she falls asleep with her head in your lap, your sister gives you a knowing look before she heads up to bed
you pick her up from your lap and carry her upstairs to your room and you turn away from her before falling asleep, but when you wake up her arm is snaked around your waist
you get closer after this, she waits for you to come out the theater every afternoon, 30 minutes after her basketball practice ends, still in her uniform clothes, leaning against the hood of her mom’s subaru, smiling like you are the summer sun
she stays over most nights and sometimes you wake up to her making breakfast with your mom and pouring coffee for your dad
she laughs at your brother’s dumb jokes and she comes with you to watch your sister’s volleyball games
you think it might be love but you don’t know if she thinks that
you’ve caught her staring at you more than once, maybe not lovingly, but with a look of curiosity like she doesn’t know what to do with you
school ends and summer begins and somewhere along the way she becomes your everything
she sleeps in your bed and picks you up at work and takes you to the beach when you ask her to
she doesn’t try to introduce you to her old friends and you don’t try to bring her to tuesday night book club but you know when you get home she will be there waiting for you
sometimes you wonder what it would be like to kiss her and you find yourself wishing you could
she has to get up with the sun one morning and you feel her lips ghost your forehead like she thinks you’re still asleep
your parents take your siblings to miami one weekend and she stays with you the whole time
at some point you push her into your pool and she chases revenge with her lips
an hour later you climb out, swimsuit in hand, her arms never leaving your body as you wander into the house
you proclaim your bed to be your holy land and she rewrites the bible in the curve of your hips
from then on you do not let her go
she is your God and you kneel before her whenever she asks you to
you fall in love in fireworks, short bursts of bliss that worm their way into your heart and prepare to hibernate for what seems like it will be a long winter
she holds your hand like she thinks you’re going to leave her but you are already planning the nursery for your second child
you think you might love her but it is her who says it first
