if my hangnails were trees... ™

a blog about people and trees and how we're all connected

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

and we were untitled from the start, constantly sprouting from the loss.

you called it finally, i called it always. we arrived after having collapsed in a world that wasn’t working for us. but there was always that blink and catch of breath; that clasp of morning sun and scent of one-day memory.

it’s nice to find you still tucked in my mind-chest forest. fallen, yes. but in gratitude.

-em

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

break through, like a lion arching toward the glass; there is still time left. the fire hasn’t begun to spark, and the morning hue is only just now churning into cotton candy. i try and i’d to fly. like a mountain soars itself, a cliff into the sky. mosaic me between your bark and leave, taking me in  through your rearview mirror. the me more gone; the i to be sung.

a bird would fit well here. -em

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

roads grow. and just like our hearts— they get us there.  -em

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

crisp and grey, come what may bring my heart to fling itself against the pavement; hoping to spatter the tires of your own pumping drum. beat that rhythm in my ear,  with your thuds and la dee das.  you are reason enough. and it’s almost spring. -em

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

thrive. and remember your cathedral lungs: amplified and engulfed by the space inside. breathe. release. look up.

-em

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

winding paths and churning veins. the heart is learning. -em

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

You spin me high—

so watch me as I glide,

before I tumble homeward, 

homeward.

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

Mic/Drop

My no has zero exceptions; not one disclaimer. It isn’t accompanied by an asterisk; it isn’t tempting its own fate; It isn’t foreplay.

My no is admired by the period and exalted by the exclamation point; My no is beautiful; It is king; It is feared by you.

It isn’t something to be deciphered, and yet you dig and pull at its edges like you tell her to smile more and him to man up and them to respond to your expectations. But when it comes to our no—you don’t matter.

My no will never be seen dancing as you take the lead. My no is not up for debate. Unlike your actions—my no is knitted with certainty and sculpted with heart.

My no is heart It’s heart. It’s heart.

It’s hard. It is wrapped with the teddy bear of 20 years ago when he slammed the door open to my bedroom. My teddy is now cradled in my chest with a softness that is more hard than what he tried to prove that night.

It is loud; it will get louder. Let me say that again: it is loud; it will get louder.

My no does not concern you. My no isn’t an invitation; It is a declaration. And unlike theirs—my no’s future does matter.

It’s intention is itself.

My no is. My no is. My no is.

My no is **mic drop**

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

Things I’ve learned from my separation:

1. Imma find the pretty. 2. "Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy over any sense of compassion." Silence can be deafening, but your heart can be louder. 3. Enabling isn’t helping. 4. Always give your all, and express kindness even when (especially when) you’re not receiving it.

5. Be patient with your heart, and let the pain be there. 6. Laugh. Tig Notaro & Maria Bamford helped me greatly with this. 7. Just because it ended doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. 8. Don’t react to the drama that will inevitably ensue; it doesn’t matter—you do.

9. Accept your spouse for who they are not hold onto who they were, and “When people show you who they are, believe them.” 10. You have to let it hurt for it to stop hurting. 11. Embrace your fears like a knitted blanket and long lost friend. 12. Trust that you really did happen, and there was happy & love.

13. Yesterday and tomorrow do not exist, so feel the moment & realize it’s all beautiful; even the pain. 14. Learn to isolate the good feelings your spouse gave you. Upon doing this it’s important to disassociate those feelings from your spouse because your feeling good isn’t reliant on that relationship. And 15.

Letting go no longer has to hurt.

always.

—em

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

An astronaut is told they'll be unable to return to Earth due to unforeseen complications:

"The sun is rumored to have been extinguished, and I shall wander absurdly through space;

Houston—it is all beautiful."

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

this is more than a twenty dollar bill.

it’s patience. it’s always. it’s heart.

it’s over 32,000 miles of driving. it’s no Jimmy John’s for two years. it’s anxiety arriving and anxiety exceeding and anxiety overcome. it’s alone. it's visa extensions. it’s countless maybes resulting to a never gonna be but churning itself to a you got this;

i’ve always had this.

it’s commitment even when (especially when) the commitment breaks. it’s breaking and collapsing and getting back up. it’s countless coffee runs and prop runs and opening nights and closing nights and waiting for her to come home when sometimes i’d be waiting till dawn. it’s heart racing. it’s seeing someone else drive her car. it’s crying in public. it’s 1,843. it’s honest.

it’s tutoring her sister and loving her mother. it’s support. it’s telling them i'm still here even when they weren't. it’s on my own. it’s challenge. it’s Devon and George and Hannah. it’s hopeful. it’s knowing when to leave. it’s telling the mountains goodbye for now. it’s watching Melvin and Willoughby run toward the door. it’s hard.

it’s embracing the fear followed by a “why was i afraid in the first place?” it’s capability. it’s strength. it’s giving all i had. it’s two years in the making. it’s pretty. it’s $20.

and it was all worth it.

-em

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

dear Silence,

you are anything but what you are. 

always, 

-em

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

a poetic encounter.

fellow poets—

i’m stopping in the following cities for performances, but would love to enhance my visit with you:

                                             June 6-11th, 2016

Helena, MT  |  Bozeman, MT   |   Billings, MT   |   Bismarck, ND   |   Fargo, ND

   Minneapolis, MN   |   Cedar Rapids, IA  |  Iowa City, IA  |   Davenport, IA

        Joliet, IL  |   Saugatuck, MI   |   Grand Rapids, MI   |   Lansing, MI

                  Ann Arbor, MI   |   Fort Wayne, IN  |  Indianapolis, IN

let me know if you’d like to meet to experience a moment together reading and talking about our favourite things: literature, poetry, and experience.

-em

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

the heart is breaking, and i allow it.

em

[ifmyhangnailsweretrees]

plot twist

there’s no reason not to follow your heart. 

-em