I've Chosen Not to Shine

I can't be too close to anyone, I might burn them, I am a star.

[ihaveforgiven-blog]

Be strong and take heart!

Psalm 27: 14

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Don’t look for someone who will complete you; look for someone who will accept you completely. 

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September 3, 2017

Job once had an amazing life - he’s got a family and he’s got the means to provide for them.

Then God allowed him to be tested, He now doesn’t have anything but a small space in the public square where the people look at him and walk over him.

Before, not only did he helped his family, but also everyone who’s in need. v. 11-17

I don’t know what do.

I feel like no one is with me.

I wanted to fall in to sin again.

I just want to enjoy life.

I am scared, because I feel like I am pretty close to falling away. I might have even fallen away already in my heart.

I don’t know if you can hear me God, if You do, please help me. 

In Jesus’ Name, 

Amen. 

[ihaveforgiven-blog]

June 19, 2017

Hi God,

I was suppose to write with an exclamation point for the greeting, but I remember I slept late last night because I was enjoying all the impurities filipino men are doing and I was wishing I could do things like that too. 

Today God, I really am confused, why did I become gay? What did I do? Why do I have to be gay? It would have been a lot easier if I was straight. I could relate to the brothers more, I could be more, I think. I was a little hypocritical when I said I struggled with women, I said a little because I really do sometimes struggle with women, especially when they’re pretty. However, the times that I sin in my heart most is with men. With that, I feel like I am bisexual but still, I think, why do I have to be that way? Why wasn’t I just a normal straight guy? Maybe it could be easier for me to confess my sins. It’s hard for me to confess my sins because I knew it comes with the prejudice that I am gay.

I feel that way now because I saw how I talk and how I appear, it shows. I don’t know what to feel nor what to do. How do I become straight? I think that will never happen anymore. Even though I keep on doing or acting like one, I will never be one. I am thinking that maybe one of the reasons why I feel this way is because I keep on sinning, and Satan is condemning me for what I have been doing. It actually is hard because I am beginning to believe that the church doesn’t have a place for a person like me. They don’t have respect, they don’t respect people like me, if I tell them, they would probably not look at me the same way. Well, I feel like it is how this world works, it is meant to be like that so that we would know that what we’re feeling is wrong. However, Satan perverts it, and we now think that people, especially those who believe the Bible are against us, even though they just want to help us. I feel like there are indeed people who understand us, like Kyle, RJ, and Zach. I am not sure with Zach, but I am definitely sure about Kyle and RJ. They do understand, when that day comes that I need to marry a sister that I love, I need to open this up, I don’t want to lie. I hope that sister would really understand me and accept me for what I am, I am definitely going to be honest. But I really do thank you God for allowing me to grow into a Christian family. Simply because, if I haven’t, I may have engaged in those kinds of sins literally. I am just grateful still even though I really need to repent because sins are the same, that I haven’t been able to engage in those things even though my whole body and flesh wants to dive in.

On the side note, I really like what Zach has been talking about yesterday at Church. I really hope that one day, I could make you proud. That I can make use of the love You gave me. I really hope that one day I would be a disciple, free from hidden life and hidden sin like now. I really hope you can hear me, God, I really do, because I don’t have the guts to share this to anyone yet. I hope I be able to soon. I hope I can find someone, send someone to help me God. You know what I mean. 

I just am super grateful, no matter what life has been giving me, I am thankful that you haven’t allowed me to die yet. At least, I have the chance to change my life. This week is really a blessing since I can catch up with my review. I hope that you give me this one God, this is still for you. I hope I would be able to balance out my life as an excelling student as well as a sold-out disciple of God. I don’t know how to do that actually but I really hope and pray that you would allow me to do that.

I am now a little bit better than last time, I hope I would really get done with the things I need to do so that I would have more time to help in the Kingdom and do what I was meant to do. 

I wanted to pray for my Mom and my Lola, that they too may be disciples one day. Help them to see the light. Also, my family members. I wanted to pray for the things happening in my life, like NMAT and BLEPP, I hope that I would be able to ace them. I wanted to also pray for the church, especially those who are struggling like me, and also my leaders. Help the leaders to stay faithful and do what they need to do. I pray that you give Kyle, Joan, Zach, Ariel, Marc, and Maika the wisdom, knowledge, and skills they need to direct your Kingdom to the right place, I also pray for my love, Kuya John and Ate Anna, help them address the things they need to address and repent of so that they may be able to lead your church in Cebu properly. I hope kuya John has nothing against me, it was of pure intent that said those things. I really thought they had an arrangement with ate Maika also that is why I didn’t bother. You know my heart God, I really never thought of kuya John spending the money in anything else except the church, you know me. I pray that you guide him, and also be with him, I hope he doesn’t have an issue with me, I hope he didn’t appear bad, although he needs to repent of it but I hope he doesn’t feel that I told on him. I really love him, he has been trying to raise me up and help me, but it was me who wasn’t ready and a coward before. I hope I am not being a coward, I hope I am really doing this for you, help me God. I just am so sorry for the impurities I have been committing and allowing You to see. I am so sorry, I hope you would give me the will to really choose not to do it again. 

I also pray for my friends that they would be able to know the truth and also help me repent so that You can use me to evangelize my review place and also UST.

I would love to say I love you God, but I know I would only be able to prove that through obedience and repentance.

I pray that you still be with me, please.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen. 

[ihaveforgiven-blog]

I lied.

OMG! I lied to my sister. So sorry God. I’m so sorry. 

[ihaveforgiven-blog]

Greatest Prayer

God, I need this. Please, help me. I know I can’t get it on my own. Please work your power though my MOA. I need it to be signed. Please God. I need help, 5 signed copies of MOA, please God. 

[ihaveforgiven-blog]

I Was Dead

What would you do when you realized that your life was a lie? All the while you thought you were okay, then suddenly you proved to yourself that you’re not? In my almost two decades of living, I believe that my life was okay, it was not perfect, but it was... okay. It was simply okay then two weeks ago I found out that it was not. That my life was a total lie, nah, not all of it but most of it. 

You wanna know how I found out the truth? I found these group of people who showed me the truth. I’ve been with these people for two weeks, I enjoy their company, they’re just awesome people. One night, after I meet up with them, before midnight, I DIED.  

[ihaveforgiven-blog]

She’s Magic!

I had this teacher from highschool that was really different. She does not teach anything that would make me better in Math or Science, she simply teaches me how to be better. And so this teacher was so awesome, she has this ability to see what normal people, not even I couldn’t see. She sees them all, all of it. She even has the ability to know something about you, even when you did not even tell that to your own mother. 

In other words, she’s magic! yesterday I had finished my last day of volunteer work, and I saw her. She greeted me of course, and I also did. She told me that I was doing the right thing, and she also told me that one day, I would be handling a bigger team! All I could say was that I agree, in a language the internet would not like. Then we parted ways, and as I was about to go, she shouted, “Purity!”. 

That’s the moment I knew, she knows my secret. She know my struggles and she simply reinforced me and empowered me that I could over come it. I’m sure, maybe not, that all the men out there would understand my struggles. I’m currently struggling with what most men would consider a “need”. At least now, I know that there is someone who knows my struggle and would bother to talk to Someone about it. I hope I could do this, do good! 

[ihaveforgiven-blog]

What If? (Want)

I've been stalking these people for a while now. I wan't to be friends with them. I wan't to be really close to them. I want to know them. I want to be with them. I want them to be able to show me what they have. I in return, be able to show them what I have.  I want to be like them. I want to be part of their lives. I want them. I want to be normal. I want to look good. I want to be confident with my own skin. I want to be who I am. 

But what if I did? Will I be satisfied? Will I be contented? I guess not, because in life, people tend to always want to have new things, want to experience things. That is the only thing that people can't stop doing, want. 

[ihaveforgiven-blog]

Watching From Afar

If I am going to have a girlfriend, I want it to be you. 

But I am still here, doing nothing, nothing at all. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to start. Will you like me? Will you be okay with it? I do hope so. Please. May God make a way for us to meet. I am not going to do any action for now. I can't. I need to focus on my studies first. I hope you notice me. I do think you do. You already saw me. The thought that you know I exist, is enough for me now. I like you so much. I wasn't even able to know or meet you... but I already like you! Hope you notice me soon.

I don't think this is appropriate but I think I love you. I think this is what they call "Love". #K #M  

[ihaveforgiven-blog]

Inspired By The Vampire Diaries

It is just amusing how people's imagination vary. Sometimes I think, how the heck did she or he came up with that story. It is just really amusing for me how people's minds were programmed to think, explore, and play. When people such as L.J. Smith think of a new dimension or world where vampires exist. It is amusing how these vampires have their cultures, beliefs, and rules.

I am really amused about writers. They express their thoughts. The imaginary world that exists in their heads are now experienced by other people. I wish I could write like they do. I wish I could express all these people and creatures in my head. I wish I could also write them so that other people may know about them. Maybe one day, when I find the my passion in writing.

I can't express what I feel right now. I am just amused. That is the only adjective I could use. Also, I need to say that GOD is so amazing for letting people have the chance to also create these people in our heads. Even though they don't really exist, they let us relax and be free.

I also think that these things that we write and these things that are in our heads are reflections of what we are, what we want to be, what we want to experience. Life has just been more awesome for me. I've just realized that there is more to living than the actual things that we do. Sometimes, we also need to enjoy our fantasies. I hope I don't lose it. Do good! 

[ihaveforgiven-blog]

Christmas Bummer

Christmas Eve and Day were awesome until...

A lot of my classmates messaged me and asked about our assignment. Literally too much of them! Like, Am I the teacher? Aren't I the same as you? All I can do is answer politely because I don't want them to hate me on the Holidays. Finally, I did what I needed to do; I turned of my phone and my chat so that no one could get to me. This was suppose to be my break, and all of them are ruining it. 

I usually don't get mad when people ask me about something academic. Nah, I really hate it when they ask me because I believe that we're both students and we both should have the same knowledge and responsibility. Now I am starting with the assignment, tons of it, and somehow I try to answer their questions, but I don't promise that I will answer them correctly or at least the way I did my assignment. Still, Christmas was awesome even though a lot of people disturbed my break. Do good!  

[ihaveforgiven-blog]

I Got Judged

I went to a party last night and it didn't go too well. I was about to enjoy the night or should I say the morning, until something unfortunate for me, happened.

As I was sitting there, I noticed that people are whispering in front of me. I do know that they're taking about me. I overheard what they're talking about and it really hurt. I don't know, I know that what they say is true but, I am trying to fight it. Because I know it won't make me happy. I know that my actions are sometimes the cause of these judgments but I can't simply change, but I try okay. 

It is really hard when people judge you when they don't even know you. And so I got judged again, it hurt. Yes, hurt, because I am over it. I am stronger now. I don't care anymore. Because when people care less, everything will be much much better. I am okay, and I hope you are too. 

[octaviastormborn-blog]

My bravery is never foolish.

(insp.)

[ihaveforgiven-blog]

Should I Change?

This has been a rough day. Right now, there are two people who hate me. 

A few moments ago, I pulled a joke to one of my friends. We are not really close but I do consider him as my friend because it seems like he's okay. And so I pulled a joke at him and he got very very angry. He ended up shouting at me and calling something you don't want to hear. 

As of now, there already two people who hates me. I am afraid that what happen in the past will happen again... What if everyone hates me again? I wouldn't want that, so I guess, I really need to watch out and be very careful. They might see what's inside me. They might hate me for that. I don't like to be hated again. I don't like to be alone again. I am happy with my new friends.

Also, I said something that I know I will regret in the future. I simply said that I don't care about someone. Like, I don't care about what that person thinks or feels. It is hurtful I know, but maybe I was just able to say that because I was also hurt because of that person. 

I hope everything would be okay soon. I will not drop anything, no dropping of pride will happen. I am not angry with them, I am just offended. I will not say sorry. Although I don't think that I am doing anything good at the moment, I hope you do good! 

[ihaveforgiven-blog]

Everything's Okay

It was a long time since I was able to write something here. Okay, now I just told my friends that this blog exists but they still don't know which is the exact blog I am talking about. Everything is okay right now. As the famous Three Idiots quote: "All is well.", or at least for now. Everything is falling into place. 

So it is almost Christmas and my only problem is money. I still don't have enough money to buy the clothes and things that I want to buy. It is very unfortunate but I hope that too falls in to place. 

As you may know, the semester just started. I am spending so much for books, I could by a horse. I don't know, this semester's books are simply expensive. Yes, I can't do anything about it, all I can do is complain and that's what I am doing now. 

Also, I was able to meet this new classmate. I don't like him. And yes, he's a guy, or at least biologically. I don't like him because he's simply a show off. Nowadays, I notice that I usually use the word "simply or basically", I don't know maybe I would like things to be a bit more simple. So let's go back to the guy, besides the first reason, there is pretty much nothing that I don't like about him. I hope he changes before the semester ends because I wouldn't want to hate someone forever. 

Just last week, I was able to meet this awesome teacher that I would like to refer as Mr. S. I like him very much, I hope you didn't misunderstood that. He's so much fun! Even before I have always liked the subject he's teaching but this time it's more exciting. He so funny and witty. He's also practical, and I like teachers who view themselves in their students' shoes. 

This is getting very long now but I promise this is the last thing that I would be telling for today. I just knew that someone is hating on me. I haven't experienced that for a long time now, maybe about 2 years ago already. Usually, I would say sorry right away, but if I know that it wasn't my fault, I prefer not to. This someone hates me for a very petty reason. Believe me, you don't want to hear the reason, maybe you'll take sides with me if you do, and I wouldn't want that. The problem is, that someone is the partner of my friend. Although my friend is very open-minded, I still can't stop trying to confront or talk to my friend's partner. I don't like labeling genders especially if it is too obvious and it would give away my identity, we wouldn't want that do we?

Well, that is all there is for today. I am not sure whether when will I be posting another of my  nonsense write-ups. Everything is very well for me at the moment. Do good!  

[ihaveforgiven-blog]

You Don't Know Me

It is very hard when people judge you when they don't even know you. I don't think I can tolerate this much longer. A lot of people are judging me. I don't like to argue with them that is why I simply laugh or smile at them. But I think, I can't tolerate this much longer.

I can't really do anything about it because I guess they've came up with those insult because of my actions. But I am really not what they're talking about. I try not to be affected. Remember when people used to say that if something that was said to you is not true, you won't react or be hurt by it? Now I believe that it isn't true. It really hurts. It makes me very angry. I wan't to put them all at their places. They don't know who I am. 

I hope I can continue on ignoring them but, if I don't I hope that I will do an action that will cause very minimal casualty as possible. Something that will show them their lessons but in a less violent way, haha. Well, I think this is something (writing) that really helps me. Although it still hurts, at least this helped. What would you do if you are judged when those people don't know who you are? What would you do? I know that no one reads this but I hope someone helps me. Do good!