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I keep thinking about living like in the past.

Living like my parents

Living like my grandpa

So much less influence

Way more in your own world

Not in this digital online mess

Where are your thoughts

When they Don't drift off into another internet trend every other second

That was a chapter

I wish to recapture

The love story. Or what it seemed to be. For once and for all.

And the experience. One year of total change.

I'm back now and can't imagine how it felt back there.

All of these emotions and friendships and places.

Well, everything's got to change once in a while

so, do I even feel like writing?

Emotions are wandering around me

But I don't know which one is hitting my heart

My eyes are so swollen, but it's really allergies.

I was cutting onions when you came again, talking with your smallest last hope.

I could tell that the tears were not coming from cutting them.

But you do it so well.

That also makes me doubt.

But I know enough is enough.

And some decisions are only for yourself.

And even no one is encouraging me, it can be the right one.

I'm going to miss you.

I'm going to mean our good times.

I'm hoping the best for you and me.

And I know if we would've missed out on something, someone's gonna send us back to each other. I trust in that.

But for now, I have to look for myself.

My energy, my mind, my heart, my time.

And I know it's this direction now.

I wish the love story could've been with you. But it was not. It was really not.

So sadly, truly, madly, deeply, hurtly, disappointgly not.

Himmel

Ich guck nach oben und seh blau

Himmelazurmarine tiefes blau

Manchmal wird er auch grau

Tagebucheintrag

0505

0309

Gerade esse ich die Reste des Abendessens

das ich heute gekocht habe

auf

Ich hatte noch Schafskäse im kühlschrank

Den streute ich drauf

the problem is

I still. Hope/wish/think/know/believe it's worth it

One day fight for one small kiss

Or hundred teardrops for one laugh together

And because one is so rare

I wish for it

So much

That it's all turning well

The moments in which everything is just alright /all right

In which the sun is shining and we're drinking our juice and I can listen to you tell me (my dreams) soft facts about the world

And I would accept some fight

Just for us to feel it again

Will it be?

But how?

I just want your honesty

Tell me the ingredients to your happiness

I will make you pizza

you ever think about thinking about a thought so much that you forget your thought?

trying to eat slowly

remembering

KJNAIDV AXHE`S H0M0OPH=BIC

but not how I would`ve expected

a dilemma like this

cause in your eyes

it makes sense

and if i look into them a little toolong

mine reflect

Difficult l0v€

I lay my head down next to mine

And think of an old childhood friend

Or more

For one blinzelschlag

I'm back

Playing, careless, ruthless, reckless

I feel my inner child

You erschüttert my memories

The- you rewake my drams

For split seconds

I'm seeing cjsibd shapes, terrific colors and this

Innocent, pure, sincere raw feeling

All emotions are just existing

Not geplagt von past and future

Just there

You take me to dream world

If it's not the small things, then what is it?

If it's not beyond Vernunft, then what is it?

If it's not meant to happen, then what is it?

It's like I'm imagining you

With you I don't even have any expactations

The little things

Brushing my teeth with you in the bathroom without shame

You put off your hoodie

And so effortlessly, your t-shirt stays at the perfect angle

And I can't help it, but now I know what it is like

To gaze at someone

The bewonder,

der

friend

Since some time

I have a feeling

That I am a bad friend.

I say u fitting things and put myself in the center of attention a lot and talk some more

But let me explain myself.

I don't know how much you can tell that I am aware. Because I'm really trying to be. I guess my behavior is therefore just a compensation

I'd like to help so so much and maybe I'm making it too difficult.

I really want to be a good friend

And that's why I don't get why we still sometimes have these tensions I can't solve

And I'm annoyed by irrelevant things and sometimes my mind expresses thoughts I don't ever want to think

I was repressing them

And then I also had a stop where I let it all collapse/release

The emotion bombs crashing in

Selfishness - why are you holding me back?

Annoyed/... - why can't you make a step

Mitgefühl

Unverständnis-

Arrogance- You should do this the way I do it

I hope

You're not bathing in grief anymore.

I hope you accepted

The a**hole you were

And that you're changing it.

I like to imagine

How you're talking about me.

There's a range of scenes Ive got in my head.

Blackout.

One second.

Ein Wimpermschlag

Ein Blick.

Ein Räuspern.

Kurz leise Musik

Stille

Ein Gedanke

Everything shut off.

So now I'm sitting in the dark.

But just like with you, it feels comfortable.

A well known, safe haven-dark

Dark

One second

Ein Wispern

Ein Fingertip

IHYK

I hope you know I often think about you

i hope you know I don’t miss you

I’m still repeating( reenacting) our scenes in my head

Wanting to scream

‘CUT!’

I hope you know

you weren’t just the (only) one being hurt

you hurt.

I’ve realized I don’t need to feel bad about myself,

I know you want me to.

You’d hope for me to be the villain

but I know I’m not.

The times you tried to make it up

by abiding/ abomidamal/ aghast/ aggravated/assuming, materialistic, s o meaningful apologies

no, they don’t weigh/count nothing on this scale.

A metal cube

does not make up for the screaming and the fear and the silence.

I’m done questioning my value.

I hope you know I talk about you

I hope you know

I’m telling everything my mind tried to abundance.

I can finally describe what was going on with me

(and be mean and cruel like you were)

iHyk my messy mind didnt lose/ forget

how the chaos was triggered.

memories are still alive

you overreact, you punch, you question, you run, you shout, you threat

aggression, ignorance, made up guilt.

I can replay it in my head

Every stab is lasting,

Narcissisim is a big word, but it belongs here.

I’m letting out/off everything

I couldn’t tell to you.

I have found someone that listens.

Oh, if I could’ve just mirrored you for one time

Acting like you did

you were making sure, I knew how disgusting I were with you,.

Internalized, that it’s my fault, you assured.

Did you like acting? I know my worth:

I’m

I’ve seen

I’m doing better/ living better than before

I know you don’t think I deserve it

because you want me to be the villain

but I hope you know

I’m not.

And I get

what you always told me I deserve,

when you started to regret the ruins you left me in.

I get it now,

but not from you.

you never fulfilled your own reality

I hope you know these lines were written in anger, not agony

I hope you know I’m done with you.

you don’t know what pain you inflicted in my mind/heart/lungs

you don’t know I am long-term affected.

I wish you knew

you’re not the only one taking scars from this fight

FUCK YOU

how can I cherish this moment?

How can I appreciate it?

Value it?

Save it?

All I can do is enjoy it and tell you about my Genuss.

I'm so content.

Everything is fine.

Time stands still.

Nothing is creating any worries.

I don't bother

I'm focused on

the lights that shimmer in the water

The photographs of the museum I visited

The ramen I ate. This is self care.

The thought of everything being temporary.

The silence (Ruhe?) behind that.

I could even appreciate this street light

Or that fact that I can appreciate it.

Even if it's not, there will still be moments like this. Where I at peace. Everything around me is at peace.

And it will come again. It comes and it goes.

You should find peace in that.

I'm prepared for any disturb that comes. It comes and it goes. Why shouldnt it pass?

Everything is changeable. Everything must change. Everything will change.

I collect memory and power and will and self-love.

I can get through anything and these are my checkpoints.

Why should I think about death/madness/negativity

When there's so much more in life/appreciating/feeling?

I can't believe my last posts were about this irrelevant guy again. / noch.

Since then

Everything happened. And my head is full of poetry, my life is filled with scenes.

Yet I can't remember

Since I was stoned.

Well,I was romanticising cycling.

Wow, lightning flashed right before our eyes.

Wait, let me enjoy this moment real quick, I wil dream later.

Driving in the dark & rain to Amsterdam.

Wowwowwow

There's so much new happening.

How could I've ever prepared for this?

Sometimes

All I think about

Is you

My God, why are you fucking with my head

I am not in love with you.

Therefore we are too far apart

And I really start giving no fucks

Because you don't mean a lot to me

Because there's people more important than you

Because I'm having a new chapter ahead of me

Because I know whatever this is, it's nothing

But then you kiss me and why do I feel something when I think about it?

Why does my heart ache, I really do not care.

You kiss me and you dance with me and you make me feel like I am a little bit more of a fool than you are right now and I don't want to be a fool or a fool to you and I want you to be my friend and I want you

OK sorry that was autopilot but I will leave it there

You kiss me and show me to all of your friends and I'm happy but the next day I wake up and realize I am just a trophy.

Is it the drugs?

You beg me to visit and I say yes and you kiss me once again and everything's good...

then I come up and you can barely make eye contact. You did not speak one word.

Why am I letting this happen? Why tf are you doing this? It's the drugs.

Funny&pathetic how I always said: with my ex I could've spent hours alone but with other people on party's, it was bad. For you, it's in reverse.

But that isn't a good compare

Noone compares. You stand alone.

Stop being so nice to me, I enjoy that.

Or well, stop being so shitty the morning after

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