a/n: after like 3 weeks, i have found the inspiration to write. wow fun. this is more experimental writing and i don't know if this is honestly any good but if it is, it'd be cool to know
park jihyo x gender neutral reader
if you can: like, reblog, send asks, all that stuff idk
Nervousness bubbled inside you.
When your girlfriend - her hair drenched in the rain - brushed past you without a single word, not even a noise, and headed straight into her room, you couldn't help but feel a sense of dread wash over you as you hesitantly knocked on the door.
You knock again. "Jihyo?"
You hear rustling behind the door.
You go to knock again, "Ji-"
"What do you want?" Her voice is laced with venom, her eyes glaring at you.
Jihyo grips the side of the wall, her knuckles turning a pale shade. Water begins to drip down her wet hair, her biting her lips tight as she brushed past you again, quickly walking to the front door.
You hear the door slam from beside you as your heart drops. She's doing it again. Pushing you away. And even though you were no stranger to it, it hurts even more each time.
"Where have you been, Jihyo?"
Her tone is dry as she sighs, dropping her shoulders, "Out."
"I don't know? Some bar." She sits beside you on the couch, leaning into it as she rubbed her temples with her hands, "Does it matter?"
"Yes, Jihyo! It does because I'm worried about you!" You glance towards the clock on the wall, "It's 4 in the morning!"
Your eyes meet hers, them being filled with a deep ocean of shame and guilt, "And I... I don't need you to worry about me, I'm fine!" And the more you hear her voice, the more you can hear her drunken stupor. "I don't need you bothering me every time I come home!"
"Is... is that how you really see me?" You let out a wry, pain-filled chuckle, "A bother?"
As you began to stand up, you feel her grip on your hand, "Wait... I didn't mean that... You know that."
You shook her hand off easily, "Drunk words are sober thoughts, Jihyo."
You step out of your front door, feeling the rain pour against you, your shirt beginning to stick against your body. You see Jihyo and her slicked back hair walking down the street, her fists clenched.
Your dishevelled hair became glossy as your face felt the cold and wet rain pour against it; your eyes glazed in a layer of tears. "I don't deserve this, Jihyo! I don't deserve the shit you put me through and still I'm here! So can you just tell me what's wrong for once instead of shattering my heart?" Your voice died down into a hushed whisper against the feverent rain hitting the pavement. "Please?"
Jihyo bites her lips and turns around, the rainfall masking her bittersweet tears. Her smile is melancholic, her fists clenched tightly much like her teeth. She can see the feelings swimming around in those beautiful eyes of yours. It's the look of regret, that she knows all too well, and just a smidge of hopefulness that she doesn't understand why. Why of all people do you choose her?
She was the person who had the most chances to hurt you and she has taken every. Single. One. "Why...? Why... are you still here, Y/N? Why do you put up with me? Why do you stick around knowing I'll hurt you again over and over?"
"Jihyo... what the fuck is this?" Your voice is weak and tired. It's the way you sigh as you show her your phone capturing the night before. She's kissing someone.
And that someone isn't you.
"I'm sure you can but will any of it make me feel better about this? This is the second time, Jihyo. And I'm... I'm not sure if I can do this anymore. I don't know if I'm stupid for staying and... I don't even know if you love me anymore"
"Then... please change my mind..."
"Is it not obvious? I love you! That's why I put up with it all!" Your throat begins to choke on your own emotions, the tears running freely down your cheeks.
Because she loves you too.
But this is the only love she knows. The love that hurts. The love that rips out your heart and leaves you alone. The love that hurts you regardless of what you might feel. The love that pushes people away.
"Fuck off, Jihyo! Why do you keep doing this to me? You say you'll do better! You say you'll change! But you can't even make it to... to our fucking anniversary?" Your voice is strained from all the tears you've shed as you breathe heavily over the phone.
"We had a schedule today, I swear I'll make it up to you! I'm so sor-"
"How do you make up for this? You promised me over and over that today was the most special day to you and... yet you can't even find the time? Fuck you."
"Let's..." her heart feels heavy, her throat beginning to feel dry. Her fists clenched together as she avoided your gaze, "Let's break up, Y/N."
"What? Ji-" she couldn't bear to hear this.
And so she doesn't let you speak.
"I don't... love you." Lie 1.
"You can look now!" You take off your blindfold as your ears gets blasted by airhorns and poppers, a big banner held up by your girlfriend's band members.
"It's your birthday today, right?" She beams as she pulls out a bouquet of your favorite flowers from behind her, "You never told me but... I have my ways."
"What? You shouldn't have... It's really not that impor-"
"And to not celebrate my one and only's special day? I'm never doing that."
"Look at us here!" You laugh loudly as your head rests atop Jihyo's shoulders, you pointing to the page inside of the photobook. "Wasn't this your first rollercoaster?" She jests.
"Well, yeah... but look at your face! You look more terrified than me!"
"Okay... to be fair, the drop was like two hundred feet!"
You nudge her shoulder as you laugh even louder, her rolling her eyes playfully at you, "No? It was like fifty feet!"
Jihyo flips the next page of your photobook as you smile, her whispering as she rests her head on yours, "We can agree to disagree on that."
"You know I'm right though."
"And deep inside, even if you don't believe it now... I know you don't love me either." Lie 3.
"So... let's not do this anymore." But what she really wants to say is, You don't have to put up with me anymore.
"Ji... what is this?" Your lips turned into a tight smile as you glanced all around your shared home. Lights dangled across the roof, the fragrance of roses throughout the rooms.
"I said I'd make it up to you. This is for everything. All the important days I missed with you. All the stupid things I did." She stretches out her hand for you to take, which you do gladly, as she brings you along to the living room. The walls are lined with photos, memorabilia, and anything and everything the two of you shared in your time together.
Her eyes pool with tears as she stares at you, awestruck at the love and memories surrounding you, "I love you so much, Y/N."
And the dread on your face, the humility, the sorrow. It's insurmountable.
Your mouth is agape but nothing comes to life. Your words are lost in the rain as you stared at her with your bloodshot eyes. Your eyes are glassy as your lips purse tightly together, naturally to stop a cry from coming out as she stares at you.
And the moment she meets your gaze is the moment it all hits her.
Truly lost you. And this wasn't like any stupid mistake she made before. This was the end.
There was no more hope in your eyes. There was no more love. There's nothing but the dark and looming shade of regret.
It's the regret of choosing her- loving her. It's the regret of putting up with all the stupid shit she did. It's the regret that you didn't leave sooner. It's the regret of ever giving her more chances.
And her regret was to not love you how she should've because now this love was killing her instead.
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