-Honestly Gil, please just leave, please I just... I wanna be in bed I just NEED to go to bed.
I could feel all my tiny muscles contracting through my arms and legs and I could see it in his eyes what he did and I couldn't even be mad.
-And that's totally fine but let me be around I don't know maybe I can clean around or fix something.
I was too tired to fight but that specific request got to me and I just stared into his eyes hoping that I would have the strenght to kick him out.
- Hey I know I promised not to do it but I couldn't help it okay? I'm sorry. We can talk about it later but you don't have to be alone. You're not alone. I'm here. I'm gonna be here as long as you need me.
Tears started rolling down my stupid face, just thinking about what he must have heard or see... It was humilliating.
- I wanna talk about it now.
I backed up a little and he was in in an instant as if I could change my mind in a fraction of a second and I could but gosh! He did not need to move so dramatically.
-Good. Look, I mean it when I say that I'm sorry I truly am you have been nothing but supportive with me and I should have find another way to reach out to you. - He was blurting everything out so quickly that I could barely keep up - I don't want to justify myself I just need you to know that I'm sincere and that I'm committed to not do it again however I do need a commitment from you.
-What are you talking about?
-Of commitment! You cannot..
-Slow down! I was asleep, just slow down, please!
-Oh. Right. Sorry. Can I sit down?
-No. - I did the made up serious face so he just rolled his eyes with half a smile and pulled a chair.
Is not until then that I noticed, my house is a mess. I haven't been able to cook so everything in the fridge is rotten, maybe not the meat I put in the fridge but... How long could I storage that again? I also had trash from the takeouts all over the table and next to the chair and my room... My room was such a fucking mess.
I wanted my house to be clean, my mom always had the house clean. It smell like fabuloso and coffee I wanted coffee or well not really coffee because I didn't wanna end up like half my family. I really wanted tea.
He was kind enough to not say a word and just move around it. Gil was always kind enough.
-Sorry about the mess - I said as I sat down in the other side of the table.
I sat there with the light burning in my eyes making it hard to open them. I could feel the energy just leaving my body and the unexplainable urge to lay on my bed and cry.
-You know... You seem tired. Do you mind if I crash in the couch for the night and we talk about this tomorrow morning?
-Fine... -I scrub my eyes and made my greatest effort to put on a smile - thank you Gil.
- No problem - I started moving and him with me. Gil moved emotionally, sure he gets to read my mind but I could read his body. - Good... - He stop half way through realizing he was supposed to stay on the couch. - Good night.
I hated this... Specially with Gil.
There were other people before him, they too cared and I usually cared too. I cared about not being a burden to them but sometimes they put on a brave face for me and I was so lost on my own misery that I believed them.
This man had a brave face but you can't be brave if there is no fear and his body screamed in fear. He was trying to give me space but was too afraid that I will get lost on it.
- It's okay - I said - I promise - I raised my right hand and look him right in the eye - We will talk about it in the morning okay?
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