My Blurry Thoughts

I just write

[ijustwrite]

I wish there was a button to disappear into thin air and all I had to do was to press it. Every night I dream about you to stop myself from thinking about me. I dream of you loving me and me loving you. I dream in details. I think about the colour of the door in the house we'd live and type of table you'd have in your work. I paint every pixel of the dream enough to blur the line between my imagination and my reality. I wish I didn't have to dream of you. I wish I was enough. Enough to stay.

[ijustwrite]

Pebbles inside my throat

[ijustwrite]

Sometimes I want to love you because I feel empty without emotions and love is a good potion to pour and you are easy to induce emotions

[ijustwrite]

In my stories, I am a guy with curly wild hair and brown eyes as you like. We are already in love because I do not know how people fall in love so I skipped that story. You wear floral prints of pajamas, skirts, shirts, sarees and every other wadrobe because they remind you of happiness. Yes, in my stories you are happy and not afraid to be so.

[ijustwrite]

How can you feel choked as if there's a knife in your throat when all I asked you was if you loved me or not?

[ijustwrite]

Is it supposed to still hurt? I miss you. I wish I could hug you and tell you that you are okay. You don't need to be normal. You are already normal. Everybody is normal and not normal in some ways. I wish I could tell you how much I miss seeing you grow up.

[ijustwrite]

Everytime I make someone smile or a friend says that they love me or I have a good heartfelt conversation with someone, a part of my brain fires up with hands on hips and yells at me "It's gonna be hard when you leave. Why are you making new bonds?". Then a rebel voice in my head replies "That's the point. We aren't leaving. Not on our own."

[ijustwrite]

I dont know if this post would reach people. Need some book/movie/anime recommendations that is not about falling in love or romance or horror or killers. I have been having a hard time and would like a ficrional distraction but the above things that I mentioned are kind of triggering to me now so if there's anything else you could recommend, I'd be glad. Maybe something fluffy or happy that could make me forget my sadness or something relatable that could help me understand my mind better. Thanks!

[ijustwrite]

Anxiety is spreading inside my body from my head to chest and stomach. Whole of my upper body seems to be vibrating. I am trying to hold on to something. I am trying to do things I am supposed to do. But this is all inside my head. To the people outside my head, I am just someone drinking my morning tea.

[ijustwrite]

For the first time in years, my mom didn't proceed to cook after knowing I am hungry and what I hadn't didn't feel enough. Being broke isn't romantic. Having no money isn't glamorous. Don't go Nietzsche and start with "if it doesn't kill you". Where do you draw the line when deciding if something kills or not?

[ijustwrite]

Mind after waking up feels like an empty white room. I read news, memes, stories and try to bring in borrowed emotions. Sadness enters as a chair. Anger as a mirror. Guilt as a table. Hope as a couch. But then I when the outside world closes and I am back to myself, it becomes the room without any furnitures, nothing to hold to.

[ijustwrite]

Maybe I think about you more now than I'd have thought about you if it weren't a one sided thing. Maybe the unattainability is what that causes the longing rather than love.

[ijustwrite]

It's so hot. Hot like God is a baker and he's placed me inside an oven. It's so hot that I feel bothered by my own skin. I wish that I was one with the air, no skin, no coverings. And yet, the image of burying my face in tshirt and wrapping my arms doesn't seem to go away.

[ijustwrite]

Sometimes I wonder if didn't involve too much people in my life, would it have been easier to pull the plug? Would I have decided yes if I wasn't an only child and didn't have any friends at least not any close friends?

[ijustwrite]

Why does the present feel like a prison?

[ijustwrite]

I want to live without this want to stop existing, living in the back of my head. I wish I didn't something to distract me from myself. Why do I need to be busy so that the outer layers of my mind wouldnt start corroding? Why could I never be enough for myself? Why is that I need someone else to save me from myself?

[ijustwrite]

This place is 4 years old. Wow!