-Mingi was just your friend, so why did your heart choked hearing it out loud.
-a/n: Just a really short one I thought of at 2 AM :)
There wasn’t much Mingi could do that you’d bat an eye at. He was loud, boisterous, clingy, funny, and downright sweet. All in all, a cross between a sassy toddler and an adorable princess when he really wanted to be. Needless to say, every day with him was a whole new adventure. Nothing he could do would surprise you anymore.
Yet here you were, frozen mid bite, spaghetti hanging from your lips staining your skin. You didn’t quite know how to respond… Hell, you didn’t even know if you should be offended or not. One second he was telling you about Seonghwa nagging him for being on his phone at dinner. The next, he left you sorting through your emotions like a slot machine.
“It’s so stupid and ridiculous right?” Mingi scoffed, fork chasing the meatball that had evaded its demise for the 3rd time.
“What…” You muttered. The slot machine of your emotions had yet to hit the jackpot so for now, your brain had landed on confusion.
“Ew. You got sauce all over your shirt, what are you, a child?” As effortless as a breeze brushing through your hair, Mingi reached over with a napkin and began dabbing furiously at the red splotches on your shirt. He mumbled something about staining and how he had managed to find someone even clumsier than himself.
“Sorry… Thanks, I guess.”
“Anyways, as I was saying. Seonghwa was scolding me for being on my phone but then I was literally like texting you. So sue me, I want to talk to my good friend after a long day of work. And this guy!” He finally spared you a glance, an incredulous smile on his lips as if Seonghwa had grown an extra head. “He had the audacity to be like ‘ugh, again?! Just ask her out already!’ Like, it’s absolutely ridiculous, right??” He went on, completely unaware of the souring in your throat. As his fork finally pierced through the meatball, he raised it in the air as if a trophy before shoving it into his mouth. "What a stupid thing for him to say..."
“Right…”
An unexplainable sadness suddenly weighed down your heart. It was strange, this really shouldn’t bother you. Not when you yourself had used that excuse yourself before — “Mingi is just a good friend”. Yet the tears prickling at the corner of your eyes and the fear of losing him in that sense burning in your chest were just the opposite of being unbothered. You felt nauseous, sick at the thought that you weren’t good enough to be seen as anything more than just a good friend to Song Mingi. You didn’t quite know what this strange feeling was. You didn’t know where this left your friendship with Mingi. So for now you pushed it down, a smile on your lips as he shoved his phone your way pointing at something ridiculous Yunho had texted him. For now, you’d just be his good friend.
-An accident turned his life upside down. San thought everything was finally returning to normal yet he couldn't help but chase the missing spots in his life.
There was a particular feeling San was looking for the moment he stepped foot in the place he had yearned for the past 3 months. 3 long months laid in the cold, hard bed and breathing in the sterile air of the hospital. He had been longing for the warmth and coziness of his own bed, of his own home. He had been counting down the days, body aching but he pushed through physical therapy just to shorten the days he’d get to be home. Yet as the front door creaked open, San was suddenly hit with a foreign feeling that made the hair on the back of his neck raise in caution.
The air was stale. The kind of stale that made his brain nosing for a spot of molds or stains that had been left uncleaned for too long. His mind searched the familiar furniture basking in the golden sunlight of a warm afternoon, yet it was like someone had put a cold, blue filter over his eyes. He was so sure this was what he had wanted all the restless nights laying in his hospital bed. This was his house, his key worked, his friends walked in as if they had been coming and going for years. Various pictures of himself and his friends, his family were still on the shelves. Bright smiles on the colorful frames greeting him as he plunged himself into the icy cold atmosphere of the living room. Wooyoung had carried the random knick knack he had somehow accumulated in the few months he made the hospital room his home down the hallway, no doubt putting them away safely in his bedroom. San was still hesitating by the doorway, eyes trying their best to study the stillness of the room. Everything looked familiar. Everything was just as he left it, albeit a bit dusty from the weeks of silence. Yet why did nothing feel the same. That particular feeling San was looking for was nowhere to be found. Everything was so cold, sterile, and uneasy as if he had just stepped into a morgue. Seonghwa came up behind him, a gentle hand on his shoulder and San felt as if a ghost had just come to rapture his soul to the netherworld. The older man asked if he was alright and he nodded. Nodded because he didn’t even know where to begin or what he was even feeling. How can he accurately describe the queasiness in his stomach and this restless feeling in his heart. He didn’t know either how to explain this alienness he was feeling even though he recognized every nook and cranny of the place. He didn’t want his friends to be concerned, to bring him back to the hospital again because an unfamiliar home was still better than the hospital.
Hongjoong called out from the kitchen, urging him to sit down for a meal. San glanced up at the clock seemingly thundering with each tick of the second hand. 7:30 PM. There was an urgency in his chest to do something but he couldn’t recall what. That was normal now. San had made peace with the fact that he might not remember everything and that uncomfortable feeling of not being able to remember was something he had to be okay with. What else could he do? It wasn’t like he wanted to get into that accident or to hit his head so hard he was in a coma for almost a month. He didn’t ask either to forget a big chunk of his life when he had finally woken up. As he sat down at the dining room table, his hand moved to pull the chair right next to his own out of habit. Yeosang sat down with a quick thank you and a protest was teetering on San’s lips. Why did he want to protest against Yeosang taking that seat? He couldn’t remember why but he knew he had pulled that chair out for someone else. As Jongho plopped a big plate of food in front of his spot and urged him once more to eat, San forced a smile on his lips before slowly digging in. Mingi was still rushing about the kitchen, hands busied with this and that making a big ruckus. A big cuss left his lips as he touched the hot kettle, frustration earning a small chuckle from the other boys who had now settled into the dining table. Confusion fell endlessly from Mingi’s lips and San had begun to urge him to ask for help from… From who? A name was just there, on the tip of his tongue yet as soon as he began verbalizing it, it was gone. Frustration vexed in his head through another round of headache, as if someone was jackhammering at the wall partitioning his memories. Who was he about to tell Mingi to ask for help? Who else would know this kitchen as well as he did? As far as he could remember, he lived here alone before the accident. San shook his head with a small smile on his lips when he caught the 7 pairs of eyes strained on him, almost as if they too were waiting for that name to come from his lips. Yet when they all came to the common realization that they too were just chasing a ghost, they all quietly returned to their food. The boys ate in silence. In some ways, San was thankful for that. He just needed company without the endless questions of whether or not he remembered some random facts.
When dinner was all tucked away and the boys were satisfied with the amount of food their best friend had consumed, they finally let San head out to the living room. Yunho had pulled San into a game of Mario Kart, Jongho and Yeosang joined, turning it into a huge chaotic match. They played till nearly midnight, Seonghwa was busy cleaning and dusting the house even though they all urged him to come play a game. Hongjoong too joined in, although the boys were giggling about how he was just in Seonghwa’s way. San smiled up at his friends. They had been best friends for so long but his memories vaguely recalled the shy whispers and not so secretive hand holding the days leading up to his accident. He can very clearly remember the way Hongjoong wrapped his arms around an exhausted Seonghwa camping by San’s bed. He swore he saw the smaller man pressing encouraging soft kisses to Seonghwa’s soft skin when he thought San was too tired to pay attention. Mingi called out to their friends still cleaning… Well, Seonghwa was cleaning. Hongjoong was more so just shuffling about awkwardly. Mingi told them it was okay to be a little more obvious, which earned a big side eye from the older men. Everyone burst out in laughter and San too found a chuckle rumbling in his chest. Yet just as soon as that little bit of happiness emerged in his heart, a sudden ear piercing ringing took control. Flashes of a smile, bright sunlight, soft hands fighting his own large one for the broom… Images flashed across his mind like some happy compilation before a tragedy in a movie of a tragic love. That voice, so clear in his mind calling out his name. He couldn’t quite place it but that feeling, the feeling he had been looking for echoed in his heart though it was so brief, so momentarily it left him numb. When he had come to, his friends had now gathered around him. Jongho had a firm grip on his body as Wooyoung and Yunho gently patted his shoulders and back. They were concerned. San understood but he didn’t want to keep being looked at like a vulnerable child that couldn’t function on his own. So he smiled, feigned excuses about too many activities for the first night home. He had a feeling his friends didn’t believe him but they all quietly whispered to let him rest. It was already ticking 1AM afterall.
One by one they filed out of the house. Each hugged him as if he was standing in between the veil of life and death. They told him they’d come by tomorrow whether or not he wanted it and San just thanked them. Where would he be without all his friends and how grateful he was that they all stuck through with him. There was a strange look in Yeosang’s eyes, like there was something he wanted to remind San of but he held back. Hongjoong just looked… sad. He had been looking at San like he’d disappeared any second now. San had thought it was just because Hongjoong had been regarding himself as the dad of the group, taking care of all their needs without ever saying anything. Yet when San had mentioned how grateful he was to have such a beautiful group of friends that would do everything for him, there was an inexplicable sadness that swallowed Hoongjoong up. It had mirrored that odd look so obvious on Yeosang’s features so perfectly, almost as if they had rehearsed it. San wanted to shake them by their shoulders and tortured it out of them but he knew they were holding back for his sake. So he said his goodbye, promising to text the group chat the second he woke up.
The peculiar feeling he was searching for had been forgotten for the last few hours was now very obviously missing. As he clicked the door lock, San let his eyes fall over the house that was by no means large… Yet there was a vast emptiness that San couldn’t explain. For once San was glad his body was exhausted. Even if his mind was still racing against the stream of mismatched memories, out of place and out of time, his body was tired enough that he might actually sleep tonight. San shuffled down the hallway toward his bedroom for the first time in months. He let his hands run along the length of the wall as he passed by, glad he was once more home. Yet as his finger reached the edge of a picture frame on the wall, that sinking feeling was once more so heavy in his chest. San looked up at the series of pictures strewn strategically to cover the span of his wall like a museum. His childhood pictures, family pictures, friend pictures, Taekwondo tournament pictures, graduation pictures, vacation pictures… He smiled up at all the familiar faces, thankful he had so many people in his corner. Then he saw it. The empty spots. He tried to convince himself it was just spots he hadn’t filled up yet. But the longer he stared, the more out of place they became. Something was here, intentionally here. The slight outline of the frame was stark against the dustiness surrounding it. If there was one thing that so perfectly captured what his mind was like this very moment, it was this. All his memories, laid out of order, so obvious yet there were those missing spots. They weren’t large. Just holes here and there, a blurry face, an echoing voice, a warmth he missed. They weren’t large at all yet the weight of them was dragging him to the depth of hell that he couldn’t remember what was there. They were like a blackhole, unassuming and stagnant. Yet the more he tried to look into them, the bigger they became sucking away all his happiness and security.
As San stood there staring up at those missing photos, he felt that ringing creeping up in the back of his brain. He better get ready for bed before he passed out right there on the spot. He forced himself to look away, to stop searching for the ghost of something he wasn’t even sure was real. But it was like a car wreck, morbid but he couldn’t help but look and pray that things will turn out okay. A heavy sigh escaped his lips as his reflection stared back at himself in the mirror. He looked haggard. The San from his memory had been so happy, cheeks full, muscles toned but most of all, his smile had reached his eyes. San gave a half assed grin and felt empty. He went on to brush his teeth, wash his face, shower and it sounded silly but he was happy he hadn’t forgotten how to keep up with his hygiene. Refreshed, he reached up to wipe the steam from the mirror and was glad the man staring back now had a bit more color to his cheeks. Muscle memories told him to open up the cabinet behind the mirror so he did. Various bottles of skin care and hair care strewn about the cabinet. There it was again… The empty spots. San shook his head, trying his best to push away that nagging feeling biting in the back of his mind. Yet as he reached for the lotion, his fingertips brushed past that coldness. It scared him, not because it was a strange feeling or something gross. It scared him because it felt familiar, too familiar. He reached for it, eyes closing as he brought it up closer to his face. A bobby pin? Eyebrow furrowed, he was completely thrown off because why would he need a bobby pin… He searched about the cabinet. There, another one tucked behind the bottle of hair serum he didn’t remember buying. Then another one, fell in between the crack of the hand soap and faucet of the sink. He ran to his bedroom, ignoring the rib sticking pain in his abdomen and the advice to avoid sudden fast movement that his PT had told him. San rummage through the dresser, the closet, the desk, the bed, under the bed… For every empty spot he found, there was another bobby pin. It was as if all these missing spots in his house, all these missing holes in his memories had materialized themselves into the tiny bobby pins that had scattered around every single room in his house. San didn’t know why but he began to hunt them down.
By the time the clock had reached 3:17AM, he had a healthy pile neatly laid out in the middle of his bed. He sat there, eyes burning holes into the little metal pins that should mean nothing but he felt like they meant everything. As San stared about the room that should be warm, should be cozy, he felt nothing. It was his home but currently it felt like nothing more than four walls, floor, and a ceiling with some furniture in it. He couldn’t ignore the silhouette of missing items any longer. There was clearly a picture frame on his nightstand. There were clearly clothes in half of his closet. There was clearly someone in the spot right next to him in bed… It was driving him insane. Then he thought about the quiet whispers and hushed conversation between Hongjoong and Seonghwa as the taller man was rushing to wipe down every surface in his place. Why did he suddenly begin cleaning at nearly midnight as if he was Cinderella doing her best to make it in time for the ball. So he rushed out, eyes frantically searching for any spot that hadn’t been clean. He mentally cussed himself for not questioning it earlier because when Seonghwa cleaned, even hell would sparkle. His body crashed about the room, pain emanating from where he couldn’t even tell anymore. San flipped over every piece of furniture, books thrown from their shelves, His body dropped onto the floor out of exhaustion, his throat constricting, heavy gasps, desperate for oxygen. Tears had begun welling in his eyes out of desperation, out of anger. His hand went up to his chest, the pain that was searing his skin was not one he had earned from the accident. It was the one he felt after his first love had cheated on him. It was one that he had felt when he had to part way with his college girlfriend when she left overseas. It was one that he had felt during his hospital stay but he couldn’t remember why. A scream tore through the stillness of the house. San was at his breaking point. His hands went up to slap his head furiously, over and over again. How could he be so useless, so goddamn useless he couldn’t remember someone that left him paralyzed with just a pile of bobby pins and empty spots scattered about his home. That person wasn’t even here and he could feel the viscousness of yearning, of missing a ghost choking him. Most days San was happy he had woken up from the accident. He was happy to see the smile on his parents’ face, on his sibling’s face, and on his friends’ face. Yet he couldn’t help but let his eyes searched just beyond their shoulders, in the background, out of the corner of his eyes. Something was missing but he blamed it all on being in a coma. Then there were days, days like this very moment where he felt so helpless. It was as if someone tied all his limbs up with invisible string. The more he struggled the tighter it got. There was a cage over his heart and his soul was withering away longing for something that was just a blurry figure in his memories. Moments like these made him wish he hadn’t walked away from the accident. He screamed and wailed but that only made his frustration worse for he didn’t even know what name he should call out for. Then he saw it. The tiniest sparkle just in the corner of his eyes. He grasped onto it, like a tiny flame of hope, like a life jacket thrown over his body while he was lost in the stormy sea. Crawling on his hands and knees, San frantically searched every fiber of the rug covering the expanse of his living room. He ignored the searing pain in his knees and the aching that was settling comfortably in his chest. He couldn’t stop now, not when he was so close. Then he saw it. One tiny earring, so small yet it felt like he had found water in the vast, searing emptiness of a desert. He put it up close to his eyes, studying the small ruby set in gold, dainty next to a delicate star.
There it was again. That voice, so soft, so sweet echoing about the room. San searched the empty walls in panic, chasing that feeling he had been looking for.
“It’s fine, baby. I can just buy you another pair.” His voice, piercing. He shut his eyes, fearing any distraction would erase all the progress he had made.
“No… San~” The way that voice had whined his name felt like a warm apple pie in the slight bite of Autumn weather. It felt like a warm hug on a frigid winter night. It felt like holidays spent with loved ones. It felt like home. San began to chase the memory, the blurry figure mirroring the franticness he possessed just a second ago as it searched the room. “I know you can buy me another pair. This one is special though.”
“Hey, love…” The memory version of himself had just closed his arms around the shivering figure, San too closed his arms around his own body. He could feel it, home. It was home. The figure immediately let its head fall into his chest, immediately stilling in his hold.
“I hate myself, how could I be so careless.”
“Baby, no, don’t do that. Things happened. It’s just some metal and rock, we can get new ones. Don’t beat yourself up over this.”
“Metal and rock… It was the first ever gift my amazing boyfriend gave me. I can’t replace 7 years worth of memories.” Eyes strained, San was so lost in that little whine, the little pout… Wait, the pout. He still couldn’t make out every feature of the figure but that pout, how could he have forgotten that pout.
“You still have one of them, that gotta count for something right? And as long as we have each other, memories are never ending.” As the memory of himself pressed a small kiss on that adorable pout, San felt it. The soft kisses of a lazy Sunday morning. The passionate kisses of late nights entangling in blankets. The comforting kisses after a long day of work. The loving kisses in the quiet moment of being home cooking dinner together. All the emotions were like steroids to his heart and soul, he was so overwhelmed but San couldn’t let go. He was clinging on to this memory like a lifeline.
“I love you so much, San.”
“I love you too, sweetheart.”
As the memory closed out, the echoing in his mind was now filled with “I love you”. The first time he had said “I love you”. The desperate “I love you” after an argument. The lustful “I love you” as he drew out another moan. The gentle “I love you” when things were quiet against the pattering raindrops against the window. They were all echoing, playing all at once in his mind, tearing into his skin. San was choking, gasping for air but he was right where he wanted to be. 7 years worth of love was crashing down on him, cracking his bones with its weight. Flashes of body parts, of features, of voices, of smiles were once more haunting his consciousness. As the voice faded out, San once more laid abuse on his tired mind, willing it to come back. Then he saw it. The box that Wooyoung had settled down earlier before rushing his personal things into his bedroom. What did he say it was again? Personal effects? Right, his things that the police had collected from the pile of twisted metals that was once his car and given back to his family after the accident.
Never before had he felt such conviction in his heart as he rushed to open up the box laid neatly in the corner. San didn’t even know what he was looking for but just that his heart would know. Various pens, mints, sunglasses, random knick knacks that had previously occupied his car laid messily inside the box. He dug through reckless abandon as he searched aimlessly. Then a sudden pang ripped through his heart and it nearly felt like his life was nearly ending for a second time. Face pale and skin clammy with cold sweat. His fingers shakily reached out to the tiny box hiding just beneath his blood stained sweater… Though the box lay lifeless, San couldn’t help but hesitate to reach for it as if it was a monster resting peacefully. The sigh that had been heavy in his chest the entire night finally being exhaled into the cold air of 4:35AM. He had to do it. This was the piece of puzzle that he had been searching for. One step forward then two steps back, nearly 5 minutes had passed before his fingers ghosted against the blue velvet fabric covering the tiny box. His mind was screaming for his body to move with haste yet his heart was losing courage fast. He knew what was in the box. His soul knew with utmost certainty that his life, his future was contained neatly in the tiny thing held so tightly in his hand. Yet…Would it make any difference if he opened it up? What difference would it make really if he couldn’t even remember whose hand was the ring supposed to rest upon?
For the first time since arriving home, San let his weary body rested upon the couch he had so carelessly pushed aside not long ago. He held the box up in the air, moonlight enveloped the velvet in its silvery wisp. It had been nearly an hour now since he found the key that could unlock the dark pit of his life. He was scared. San was so fearful that this anticipation bubbling in his chest would vanish the second he opened the little thing up. What if he opens it up only to find nothing, feelings numbed just as they had been since he opened up his eyes to the cold light of the hospital. What if this nightmare never ends and he would have to live the rest of his life without that sweet voice and delicate smile. What if he never recalls the person that had loved him so much a mere earring sent them into a frantic fit? Thousands of scenarios were flashing through his mind, all the ways his future could play out and it all led back to one thing… The ring inside that box. He was so close to having the family he always wanted. So why, why was life so cruel to rip it away from him like this. The tears that should have fallen long ago finally welled up in his eyes as his fingers moved to creak open the box… If the emotions that had come to him when he recalled the kisses and the “I love you” were rain to a drought, this was a flash food, a hurricane, a tsunami washing over every fiber of his being. San was overwhelmed, so overwhelmed that he had fallen off his couch onto his knees. The flashes of body parts, of features, of voices, of smiles were strobing through his mind just as it had but this time… This time all the pieces finally connected as he clutched the diamond ring sparkling so brightly in the moonlight close to his heart. Suddenly the fear that had weighed down his body when he saw the bright headlight of the car that had nearly stolen his life came back like flood waves. He was fearful, so, so afraid but it wasn’t death he was afraid of. He was afraid of never seeing you again. He was afraid of never being able to give you the life he had promised so long ago. He was afraid of making you cry. A loud sob tore through the silence of the house as all the memories that had been missing came rushing back. It was true what they said, that life would flash before his eyes once he was on death’s door. Except for San it wasn’t life that had flashed before his eyes, it was your love. Your love didn’t make him feel invincible or that nothing could ever go wrong. He knew that wasn’t realistic. Your love was the kind of love that was steady and warm. The kind that he knew even on the worst days of his life, it would lift him up from the depth of hell and hold him tightly. It wasn’t that he would be invincible, it was that being loved by you made San feel like he could face any trial, any tribulation head on without fear. Life could still hurt him but it didn’t matter if he could go home to you at the end of the night. He called out to you, once, then twice, then the pain that had been masked by all the adrenaline coursing through his veins finally came through. He cried out in pain, in happiness, in missing you.
He found you.
Just then his phone rang out, loud and piercing. San struggled his way over, pushing his body far past its limit as he saw Seonghwa’s name flashing brightly on his screen. Seonghwa always knew, call it higher intuition or whatever but any time one of the boys were in trouble, Seonghwa always knew. His vision went white with pain as his index finger barely made contact with the phone screen. Your name was the only thing he had muttered before the world went dark. Frantic calls of his name fell from the speaker but San was gone, exhaustion finally caught him.
The next moment he opened his eyes, the sight assaulting bright light of the hospital room was once more what greeted him back to life. San groaned, body felt like he had gone through a wood chipper. Yet as he struggled to sit up against the protest of 7 boys nearly screaming at him to lay back down, there was a strange clarity in his heart. San stared wide eyes at the boys hanging on by a thread, bated breaths beaming back at him. He could tell there were so many questions they wanted to ask him but alas, Seonghwa had shooed them all away. Reluctantly, one by one they left the room. San watched on, wincing as that familiar blinding headache once more tore through his head. Seonghwa rushed back to his side, still silent yet eyes strained on San’s every movement.
“Stop staring at me like I’m going to drop dead any second now, Hwa…” San chuckled, taking a glass of water from his friend that was still staring at him with. Perplexity was plaguing his sharp features.
“Do you remember anything from last night?” He asked with an almost impossible carefulness, as if one wrong word would finally crack his best friend.
“Yea. I called you, right before I passed out, right?” San chuckled, he was forgetful but he wasn’t THAT forgetful.
“Right…” Seonghwa gritted through his teeth. Wrong answer. That wasn’t the answer Seonghwa was looking for.
“Is… Is there something I should remember?” The clarity that had been so warm and cozy was now being replaced with uneasiness. As he studied Seonghwa’s expression, San felt like something big had happened. Something big enough to rattle his usually calm friend to the core. He had only seen his friend this bothered twice… Once when Yeosang had gone off the grid after a particularly hard stretch at work, and the second was playing out right in front of his eyes this very second. “Seonghwa… If something happened last night, you need to tell me right now.”
“Think, San. What were you doing before you passed out…” San was frustrated. He was so tired of all the half truth and hidden words. He knew his friends meant well but sometimes San wished they’d just come right out and say whatever it was that had them avoiding his eyes. None of them knew how unfair it was, to live a life that everyone else seemingly knew more details than he did.
“I showered, went through my luggages…” What was that? Just there, flashing through his mind like static.
“I know it hurts when you push it but I really need you to think. What did you do after that?” Seonghwa let his body crash onto the edge of the bed, hands reaching out to hold San’s, squeezing so hard his fingers were digging harshly into his skin.
“I found your bobby pins…?” The memories of himself digging through his entire room suddenly came flooding back. Why did he do that? Why was he so sure those tiny pins belong to seonghwa? “They’re yours right?” When his eyes finally lifted to meet his friends, Seonghwa was slowly shaking his head. “If they’re not yours then who? No one in our group had hair long enough to use those stupid things. They were everywhere, like goddamn glitter. Just tell me what you saw when you came over last night…Please.” Anger was slowly surging in his heart, bubbling so close to the surface San felt like he was teetering on the edge of throwing up all the food he had eaten the night before. “Please!”
“When I came in, your living room was a mess. Everything was thrown everywhere. It genuinely looked like a tornado had gone through.” The more he listened, the more confused he became. Why would he disrespect his friends like that? They had all spent so long cleaning up his house to prepare for his return. “I called an ambulance for you. When I went to your room to pack you some clothes…” Seonghwa's voice trailed out, ominous, as if he was about to speak of some forbidden tale.
“What? What is it? Just spit it out, Hwa. At this rate, I’m never going to remember anything if you guys all tiptoed around me like I’m made of glass.” He knew it wasn’t kind to blow up this way when all his friends wanted was to help but San was beyond his breaking point. His body was healing but his mind was slowly deteriorating. He couldn’t take it anymore.
“I saw the pile of bobby pins you left on your bed. San… None of us had ever stayed at your house long enough to leave bobby pins everywhere. Who do you think those belong to?” The reminder of what he had left behind had San stammering in confusion. “It won’t mean anything if I tell you what happened. We tried that, we tried telling you everything you were missing but it meant nothing…You have to remember it yourself.” Seonghwa too was desperate, San could tell very clearly by the way his brows furrowed and how his lips were being chewed to shreds.
Shower. Bobby pins. Luggage. Closet. Living room. Like a mantra, San muttered it to himself over and over until he was nothing more than a madman repeating things without any result. The words themselves began to lose meaning. The clarity that had steeled so strongly in his mind was nothing more than static. It was as if his brain was switching between channels, doing its best to hone in on the missing spot in his memories but all he was getting was the buzzing of statics. Missing spots. As he thought about all the missing spots in his memories, the image of the gallery wall in his hallway came rushing back.
“Seonghwa, did you remove pictures from my wall while you were cleaning?” At the mention of missing frames, Seonghwa lit up. It was bright, hope was at the edge of his smile as he leaned in closer.
“It wasn’t me. Those frames were gone long before we came. Think, San! You’re almost there. Who would remove the pictures?”
“I-“ baffled, San once more repeating his mantra in his mind, this time the missing pictures were included. “Who asked you to clean up the house when I got home?” The memory of Hongjoong aggressively whispering as Seonghwa’s quick hands dusting every surface of the living room came rushing back. The slight feeling when Yeosang had jumped into the chair he had pulled out at the dining table, the name that was teetering on the tip of his tongue when Mingi was struggling in the kitchen… They all came back just as the nauseating feeling in his heart.
“The same person that had taken those pictures. The same person whose name you said last night on the phone with me.” Seonghwa could see it, his friend was so close to the conclusion he had come to all on his own the night before. Just a bit more and he could finally let go of all the things he had held himself back from saying. “San, I know you can do it. You did it last night all on your own.”
San tried, he really tried but all he saw beyond his friend’s hopefulness was the bright light of the other car before his life was turned upside down. The warm feeling of blood dripping down his forehead as he laid there, being held up only by his seatbelt was still so real. Muffles of passerby calling out to him, telling him to hang on and that help was coming soon mingled with the siren of the first responder echoed still in his mind. He remembered the noise, that god awful metal crunching noise as the firefighters tore the car apart to get him out. He could lose his memories a million times over and he could never forget that noise. Yet beyond all the chaos, beyond the shouting of the nurses and doctors, just at the edge of pain and discomfort there was something so warm and fuzzy. His vision was blurring and darkening but he remembered seeing the flashes of the light on the ceiling of the hospital hallway as they rushed his gurney to the operating room. Just as the night before, he held onto that feeling. San was slowly beginning to understand why he kept looking beyond his friends’ shoulder, searching the space out of the corner of his eyes. He was slowly understanding because as afraid as he was thinking back of that night, he could feel a presence so bright and happy, like a guardian angel soothing his pain away. He held on and shut his eyes, his hands holding onto Seonghwa’s tightly. Whispers of his name began to color his memories golden. “San. San, baby.” That feeling he had the night before was clear now, his heart finally locked onto the channel he had been aimlessly searching for. Even as cold as the hospital was, as cold as his limbs were from the blood loss, his hand was never cold. His hand was never cold because you were always there with him. You were the anchor that steady him, the thread that guided him back from death’s grip. Your endless calling of his names, the kisses you laid on his skin, the way you never let go of his hands. You held onto him in the vast ocean of hurt. You were the one constant in his life. You were the missing spots and the bobby pins were the keys to remind him that he can always come back to you no matter how far, or how long he had been lost.
“The ring! Where’s the ring?”
San shot up from his bed. Nevermind the pain, nevermind that he had just scared his friends shitless. He found you, again. He found you. Seonghwa rushed to grab his bag, frantically shoving the small box into San’s shaky hands. Neither breathed, eyes strained on the small box. They shared a hopeful look before Seonghwa gripped San’s shoulder for support. San hadn’t even realized he had been holding his breath but as he nodded to steady his own nerve, a long sigh of relief finally exhaled.
“Hwa… Where’s Y/n?” As his eyes studied the ring he had spent so long dreaming up, San finally felt all the pieces of his life connected. All the longing, the feeling of missing home, the feeling of the vast emptiness in his life, they were all you. “Oh my God. Y/n… where’s Y/n?” The moment your name came tumbling out from his lips, that head splitting headache was once more badgering in his brain. He had to persist, had to. He found you, again. There was no way he would let you slip out of his fingers one more time so he repeated your name, over and over. When the rest of the boys returned, they all stared at him in shock. Shock because he truly looked like an insane person repeating your name over and over again… Shock because this was the first time they had heard him say your name out of his own volition in over 3 months. They all rushed forward but Seonghwa signaled for them to stay silent. The 7 boys watched on as San continued his mantra, as if he could manifest you out of thin air if he said your name enough times. Then suddenly a string of numbers fell from his lips, over and over again. They all stared at each other in confusion before Wooyoung pulled out his phone to type in the numbers.
“Shit, he’s saying Y/n’s phone number.” San was still sitting there, wide eyes in shock watching as all his friends crashed into each other in a chaotic mess of hugs and tears.
“Where’s my phone? Why don’t I have Y/n’s pictures in my phone?” His hands frantically patted around his beds, clutching the phone Jongho had just rushed into his hands. The unfamiliar background staring back at him like a bad omen.
“Your phone broke, San. We tried to repair it but it had cracked nearly all the way through. Your parents got you a new phone. We couldn’t get into your account to restore anything. We didn’t want to force you while you were weak so we left your phone as is.” Hongjoong explained.
“Then… How come she hadn’t visited me at all? Is she mad at me?” The thought of you being angry with him was far worse than any pain he felt. You would never leave him, not when he was in such a state. What could he possibly have done that had driven you off this way?
“San… She did. Slept right beside you the entire time you were in the coma. She wouldn’t leave. We had to physically drag her away from you just to get her to eat.”
The boys took turns explaining the missing months he had spent in the hospital. You were a wreck, far worse than anyone could’ve anticipated. The first night you sat in front of the operating room, the entire 7 hours long it had taken the doctors to bring San back to life. Everyone tried but all their words fell on deaf ears. It was as if your soul were tied to San’s, physically grounding you the hard plastic chair of the waiting area. They wished they could say that the first few nights were the hardest, but that would’ve been an egregious lie. The entire month San had spent laying there in silence, faith unknown, was just as hard on you as when the police had called to inform you of his accident. You didn’t eat, you didn’t sleep. You held onto his hands and spoke to him as if it was just another casual conversation you’d have at home. You were glued to his side and no one could tell you otherwise. Eventually, all the boys had enough. They called for your friends and together they more or less dragged you out of the room. Although by this point, it didn’t take much effort because you were nearly as weak as San was. You cried and begged but when they had reminded you of how upset San would be to see you in this state, it was like a cold glass of water to your face. How could you wish for San to return home if the home he needed was wasting her health and life away sitting by his bed. So you finally listened and slowly returned to your daily routine, but not before everyone had promised that San would never be alone.
As San listened on, he couldn’t help but feel his heart shattered in millions of pieces. He was hurt but you too were breaking in your own way. Then what should’ve been a happy day turned awry. The call that San had woken up came on an unassuming Wednesday afternoon. You had rushed to his hospital room, heart drumming with excitement and happiness. The boys were all gathered in front of the hospital bed and the sound of laughter was crisp against the sweltering heat of a summer day. It all came crashing down when you called his name and all he had to return was a vacant “who are you?”. Wooyoung had thought San was joking. He was truly angry, sincerely upset yelling at his friend who was still staring blankly at the stranger standing in front of him with tears welling up in her eyes. He had shouted, how cruel could San be when you had nearly thrown your life away just to be here with him. Then as seconds turned into minutes, the realization that this was all very real came down hard. Stories after stories, pictures after pictures, they all crowded the bed in some sort of sick and twisted show and tell. Hope was worn precariously on their sleeves as they all did their best to help him remember. You just sat there, in the same chair you had occupied in all the days when he was deep asleep, exhausted, hurt, and silent. You told Seonghwa you wanted to be angry, but you didn’t even know where to find the energy to be angry. Why you? Why out of everyone in this world, the only person he couldn’t remember was you? They didn’t know what else to do. The doctors had no answers, no one had any answers. So you did the only thing you could do, be the constant in his life. You showed up each day, hope in your eyes and love in your smiles. You doted on his every need and all that did was make San feel guilty. So he told you to leave. You didn’t listen at first, of course. The boys too were adamant about you keep coming by, that things would change eventually. Yet they could all see it, the weariness in your smile and how hope was slowly dimming in your eyes. Then they arrived one day to the sound of yelling. You stood there, hopeless and tears streaming down your face, features haggard. San was frustrated, as he had been, but that day was different. He was yelling at you to leave, that nothing would change even if you keep coming for 5, 10, 100 years. You were nothing but a stranger pestering him to remember something his heart clearly didn’t want to. That had cut deep, not just for you but for everyone else. They all admired the love you had for San and the way San loved you back. Yet that love was now could be seen by everyone but him. When he looked at you, he genuinely felt nothing but pity… Pity that you had looked at him with nothing but hope. Pity that when he looked back at you, all he saw was a stranger. All he felt was guilt when you had cried because you meant nothing to him and beginning to wear him out. San told you to give up because whoever you were looking for had died.
The boys were so angry, San could tell even now that they were still angry. They had let him know it wasn’t him they were crossed with. They were upset over how unfair life had been, how everything was such a mess. Yet what could they do if he physically cannot recall the best part of his life. He hadn’t asked for this and they knew it, no one did. It was just an unfortunate situation that was out of everyone’s hands. They didn’t blame him, but it changed not the fact they were still hurt hearing those words. There was nothing for them to do but to stand by and watch as San pushed away the one person who will always have his back. The youngest of them all were still very much hurt by the way he could barely look at San. Tears were hot on his cheeks as he continued to listen to the cruel words he had said to you. Suddenly it all made sense, the empty spots on his walls, in his closet, on his bed. You tried your best to be his constant but he didn’t let you. So you did the best thing for him, even if it meant ripping your heart from your chest. San sat there disheartened, clutching the box that was supposed to be the key to his future. Seonghwa recalled the last conversation he had with you, how you had asked for a big favor and how apologetic you had been. He hadn’t realized how serious the situation had been until he arrived at your shared home with San to see nearly half of everything had gone missing… Pictures, mugs, decorations, clothes. You had begged Seonghwa to help you clean up and replace the missing pictures on the wall and he had resisted. He didn’t want to erase you completely from san’s life but you had reminded him that the accident already did. All he would be doing now was cleaning up to prepare San for the best possible life without you. You both held each other and cried until there were no more tears to cry. Even deep in your own hell, you had repeatedly comforted Seonghwa. You had asked him to tell the rest of the guys that it was good enough that San remembered his family, remembered all his friends. It was good enough because you knew San was in good hands. Then you left.
Seonghwa had every intention to clean up and replace the missing pictures that night, he really did. But between Hongjoong arguing with him about how wrong all of this was and San nearly fainting again, he didn’t have the chance. They all had left the house that night with heavy hearts. The last time they had gathered was when San asked for help to plan the proposal. Their last dinner together was so hopeful, forever was right there so close they could all taste it. Looking down at the ring sitting in the little box instead of your finger, San understood why Yeosang and Hongjoong had looked so sad that night. He was hurt, yes… But not knowing had protected him from all the emotional turmoil everyone else was going through. The world continued on for everyone else while he was blissfully ignorant of all the pain. It had taken San all his strength to not break down in front of his friends. All the emotions they had experienced over the span of months was coursing through his veins all at once, all within the last hour. As San glanced up at the men who had supported him not just physically but emotionally through the roughest time of his life, he was thankful. So thankful to have friends who would keep not just him but the love of his life safe. He whispered a tearful thank you to each one of them, knowing he could never give them back enough. As they watched him type out the string of numbers he had been muttering like an insane person not long ago, they quietly took their leave. The next part he’d have to do himself. Whatever the outcome might be, they’ll be just outside waiting to support him. For now, for just this little bit of the journey, San had to do it alone. Shaky fingers barely hitting the call button, San considered abandoning his phone even before the line could ring. Yet the moment he heard your voice so clear, nothing mattered anymore.
“Hi, sweet girl…” The second those words had left his lips, San could feel his heart healing. It felt right, being able to say those words to the love of his life.
“San?” Your voice barely a whisper, he wondered if you were afraid he might disappear again.
“Yea, baby. Guess what? I found your earring!”
The line went quiet and for a second he thought you had hung up. All the things he had said, even if he didn’t know what he was doing, even if it was all because of his condition, you still bear all the burden and all the hurt. He wouldn’t blame you if you never look at him again. It hurt to see the pain in his friends’ faces as they recalled the heavy words he had thrown at you. He felt ashamed that he could ever talk to you that way. He had hurt you when all you wanted to do was help, when all you wanted to do was give him the home he had longed for.
“Sweetheart?”
Then he heard it, the way his name sounded so sweet, falling so desperately from your lips. You were crying and he too couldn’t contain his own tears. For a long while, San sat there listening to you cry over the phone, soaking in the way you were calling for him over and over again just to hear him answer you. He wanted to ask you to come back but he was too fearful still, so he just whispered “I love you” over and over again until you replied with the words he wanted to hear the most since he found you again.
“I love you so much, San. Wait for me.”
He urged you to take your time, that he’d be here waiting his entire life if it meant you’d be back in his arms again. He had made you wait for far too long and it was now his turn. When his friends had returned, San was a sobbing mess. Gibberish falling from his lips in between little cries of your name. Somewhere in between the 5th time he had repeated your name in desperation and Jongho giving San about every object in the room out of confusion, Yunho had figured out he wanted one of them to accompany you on your way here. So he turned to leave, already on call with you and San nodded fervently, thanking his friends endlessly. They all gathered around him, happy tears dotting their cheeks as they recalled the happier days. They all promised to help you move back into your shared home if San never scared them like this, ever again. It was an easy deal to agree to so they all shook hands in agreement, finally feeling the lightness and hope for the future.
-An accident turned his life upside down. San thought everything was finally returning to normal yet he couldn't help but chase the missing spots in his life.
There was a particular feeling San was looking for the moment he stepped foot in the place he had yearned for the past 3 months. 3 long months laid in the cold, hard bed and breathing in the sterile air of the hospital. He had been longing for the warmth and coziness of his own bed, of his own home. He had been counting down the days, body aching but he pushed through physical therapy just to shorten the days he’d get to be home. Yet as the front door creaked open, San was suddenly hit with a foreign feeling that made the hair on the back of his neck raise in caution.
The air was stale. The kind of stale that made his brain nosing for a spot of molds or stains that had been left uncleaned for too long. His mind searched the familiar furniture basking in the golden sunlight of a warm afternoon, yet it was like someone had put a cold, blue filter over his eyes. He was so sure this was what he had wanted all the restless nights laying in his hospital bed. This was his house, his key worked, his friends walked in as if they had been coming and going for years. Various pictures of himself and his friends, his family were still on the shelves. Bright smiles on the colorful frames greeting him as he plunged himself into the icy cold atmosphere of the living room. Wooyoung had carried the random knick knack he had somehow accumulated in the few months he made the hospital room his home down the hallway, no doubt putting them away safely in his bedroom. San was still hesitating by the doorway, eyes trying their best to study the stillness of the room. Everything looked familiar. Everything was just as he left it, albeit a bit dusty from the weeks of silence. Yet why did nothing feel the same. That particular feeling San was looking for was nowhere to be found. Everything was so cold, sterile, and uneasy as if he had just stepped into a morgue. Seonghwa came up behind him, a gentle hand on his shoulder and San felt as if a ghost had just come to rapture his soul to the netherworld. The older man asked if he was alright and he nodded. Nodded because he didn’t even know where to begin or what he was even feeling. How can he accurately describe the queasiness in his stomach and this restless feeling in his heart. He didn’t know either how to explain this alienness he was feeling even though he recognized every nook and cranny of the place. He didn’t want his friends to be concerned, to bring him back to the hospital again because an unfamiliar home was still better than the hospital.
Hongjoong called out from the kitchen, urging him to sit down for a meal. San glanced up at the clock seemingly thundering with each tick of the second hand. 7:30 PM. There was an urgency in his chest to do something but he couldn’t recall what. That was normal now. San had made peace with the fact that he might not remember everything and that uncomfortable feeling of not being able to remember was something he had to be okay with. What else could he do? It wasn’t like he wanted to get into that accident or to hit his head so hard he was in a coma for almost a month. He didn’t ask either to forget a big chunk of his life when he had finally woken up. As he sat down at the dining room table, his hand moved to pull the chair right next to his own out of habit. Yeosang sat down with a quick thank you and a protest was teetering on San’s lips. Why did he want to protest against Yeosang taking that seat? He couldn’t remember why but he knew he had pulled that chair out for someone else. As Jongho plopped a big plate of food in front of his spot and urged him once more to eat, San forced a smile on his lips before slowly digging in. Mingi was still rushing about the kitchen, hands busied with this and that making a big ruckus. A big cuss left his lips as he touched the hot kettle, frustration earning a small chuckle from the other boys who had now settled into the dining table. Confusion fell endlessly from Mingi’s lips and San had begun to urge him to ask for help from… From who? A name was just there, on the tip of his tongue yet as soon as he began verbalizing it, it was gone. Frustration vexed in his head through another round of headache, as if someone was jackhammering at the wall partitioning his memories. Who was he about to tell Mingi to ask for help? Who else would know this kitchen as well as he did? As far as he could remember, he lived here alone before the accident. San shook his head with a small smile on his lips when he caught the 7 pairs of eyes strained on him, almost as if they too were waiting for that name to come from his lips. Yet when they all came to the common realization that they too were just chasing a ghost, they all quietly returned to their food. The boys ate in silence. In some ways, San was thankful for that. He just needed company without the endless questions of whether or not he remembered some random facts.
When dinner was all tucked away and the boys were satisfied with the amount of food their best friend had consumed, they finally let San head out to the living room. Yunho had pulled San into a game of Mario Kart, Jongho and Yeosang joined, turning it into a huge chaotic match. They played till nearly midnight, Seonghwa was busy cleaning and dusting the house even though they all urged him to come play a game. Hongjoong too joined in, although the boys were giggling about how he was just in Seonghwa’s way. San smiled up at his friends. They had been best friends for so long but his memories vaguely recalled the shy whispers and not so secretive hand holding the days leading up to his accident. He can very clearly remember the way Hongjoong wrapped his arms around an exhausted Seonghwa camping by San’s bed. He swore he saw the smaller man pressing encouraging soft kisses to Seonghwa’s soft skin when he thought San was too tired to pay attention. Mingi called out to their friends still cleaning… Well, Seonghwa was cleaning. Hongjoong was more so just shuffling about awkwardly. Mingi told them it was okay to be a little more obvious, which earned a big side eye from the older men. Everyone burst out in laughter and San too found a chuckle rumbling in his chest. Yet just as soon as that little bit of happiness emerged in his heart, a sudden ear piercing ringing took control. Flashes of a smile, bright sunlight, soft hands fighting his own large one for the broom… Images flashed across his mind like some happy compilation before a tragedy in a movie of a tragic love. That voice, so clear in his mind calling out his name. He couldn’t quite place it but that feeling, the feeling he had been looking for echoed in his heart though it was so brief, so momentarily it left him numb. When he had come to, his friends had now gathered around him. Jongho had a firm grip on his body as Wooyoung and Yunho gently patted his shoulders and back. They were concerned. San understood but he didn’t want to keep being looked at like a vulnerable child that couldn’t function on his own. So he smiled, feigned excuses about too many activities for the first night home. He had a feeling his friends didn’t believe him but they all quietly whispered to let him rest. It was already ticking 1AM afterall.
One by one they filed out of the house. Each hugged him as if he was standing in between the veil of life and death. They told him they’d come by tomorrow whether or not he wanted it and San just thanked them. Where would he be without all his friends and how grateful he was that they all stuck through with him. There was a strange look in Yeosang’s eyes, like there was something he wanted to remind San of but he held back. Hongjoong just looked… sad. He had been looking at San like he’d disappeared any second now. San had thought it was just because Hongjoong had been regarding himself as the dad of the group, taking care of all their needs without ever saying anything. Yet when San had mentioned how grateful he was to have such a beautiful group of friends that would do everything for him, there was an inexplicable sadness that swallowed Hoongjoong up. It had mirrored that odd look so obvious on Yeosang’s features so perfectly, almost as if they had rehearsed it. San wanted to shake them by their shoulders and tortured it out of them but he knew they were holding back for his sake. So he said his goodbye, promising to text the group chat the second he woke up.
The peculiar feeling he was searching for had been forgotten for the last few hours was now very obviously missing. As he clicked the door lock, San let his eyes fall over the house that was by no means large… Yet there was a vast emptiness that San couldn’t explain. For once San was glad his body was exhausted. Even if his mind was still racing against the stream of mismatched memories, out of place and out of time, his body was tired enough that he might actually sleep tonight. San shuffled down the hallway toward his bedroom for the first time in months. He let his hands run along the length of the wall as he passed by, glad he was once more home. Yet as his finger reached the edge of a picture frame on the wall, that sinking feeling was once more so heavy in his chest. San looked up at the series of pictures strewn strategically to cover the span of his wall like a museum. His childhood pictures, family pictures, friend pictures, Taekwondo tournament pictures, graduation pictures, vacation pictures… He smiled up at all the familiar faces, thankful he had so many people in his corner. Then he saw it. The empty spots. He tried to convince himself it was just spots he hadn’t filled up yet. But the longer he stared, the more out of place they became. Something was here, intentionally here. The slight outline of the frame was stark against the dustiness surrounding it. If there was one thing that so perfectly captured what his mind was like this very moment, it was this. All his memories, laid out of order, so obvious yet there were those missing spots. They weren’t large. Just holes here and there, a blurry face, an echoing voice, a warmth he missed. They weren’t large at all yet the weight of them was dragging him to the depth of hell that he couldn’t remember what was there. They were like a blackhole, unassuming and stagnant. Yet the more he tried to look into them, the bigger they became sucking away all his happiness and security.
As San stood there staring up at those missing photos, he felt that ringing creeping up in the back of his brain. He better get ready for bed before he passed out right there on the spot. He forced himself to look away, to stop searching for the ghost of something he wasn’t even sure was real. But it was like a car wreck, morbid but he couldn’t help but look and pray that things will turn out okay. A heavy sigh escaped his lips as his reflection stared back at himself in the mirror. He looked haggard. The San from his memory had been so happy, cheeks full, muscles toned but most of all, his smile had reached his eyes. San gave a half assed grin and felt empty. He went on to brush his teeth, wash his face, shower and it sounded silly but he was happy he hadn’t forgotten how to keep up with his hygiene. Refreshed, he reached up to wipe the steam from the mirror and was glad the man staring back now had a bit more color to his cheeks. Muscle memories told him to open up the cabinet behind the mirror so he did. Various bottles of skin care and hair care strewn about the cabinet. There it was again… The empty spots. San shook his head, trying his best to push away that nagging feeling biting in the back of his mind. Yet as he reached for the lotion, his fingertips brushed past that coldness. It scared him, not because it was a strange feeling or something gross. It scared him because it felt familiar, too familiar. He reached for it, eyes closing as he brought it up closer to his face. A bobby pin? Eyebrow furrowed, he was completely thrown off because why would he need a bobby pin… He searched about the cabinet. There, another one tucked behind the bottle of hair serum he didn’t remember buying. Then another one, fell in between the crack of the hand soap and faucet of the sink. He ran to his bedroom, ignoring the rib sticking pain in his abdomen and the advice to avoid sudden fast movement that his PT had told him. San rummage through the dresser, the closet, the desk, the bed, under the bed… For every empty spot he found, there was another bobby pin. It was as if all these missing spots in his house, all these missing holes in his memories had materialized themselves into the tiny bobby pins that had scattered around every single room in his house. San didn’t know why but he began to hunt them down.
By the time the clock had reached 3:17AM, he had a healthy pile neatly laid out in the middle of his bed. He sat there, eyes burning holes into the little metal pins that should mean nothing but he felt like they meant everything. As San stared about the room that should be warm, should be cozy, he felt nothing. It was his home but currently it felt like nothing more than four walls, floor, and a ceiling with some furniture in it. He couldn’t ignore the silhouette of missing items any longer. There was clearly a picture frame on his nightstand. There were clearly clothes in half of his closet. There was clearly someone in the spot right next to him in bed… It was driving him insane. Then he thought about the quiet whispers and hushed conversation between Hongjoong and Seonghwa as the taller man was rushing to wipe down every surface in his place. Why did he suddenly begin cleaning at nearly midnight as if he was Cinderella doing her best to make it in time for the ball. So he rushed out, eyes frantically searching for any spot that hadn’t been clean. He mentally cussed himself for not questioning it earlier because when Seonghwa cleaned, even hell would sparkle. His body crashed about the room, pain emanating from where he couldn’t even tell anymore. San flipped over every piece of furniture, books thrown from their shelves, His body dropped onto the floor out of exhaustion, his throat constricting, heavy gasps, desperate for oxygen. Tears had begun welling in his eyes out of desperation, out of anger. His hand went up to his chest, the pain that was searing his skin was not one he had earned from the accident. It was the one he felt after his first love had cheated on him. It was one that he had felt when he had to part way with his college girlfriend when she left overseas. It was one that he had felt during his hospital stay but he couldn’t remember why. A scream tore through the stillness of the house. San was at his breaking point. His hands went up to slap his head furiously, over and over again. How could he be so useless, so goddamn useless he couldn’t remember someone that left him paralyzed with just a pile of bobby pins and empty spots scattered about his home. That person wasn’t even here and he could feel the viscousness of yearning, of missing a ghost choking him. Most days San was happy he had woken up from the accident. He was happy to see the smile on his parents’ face, on his sibling’s face, and on his friends’ face. Yet he couldn’t help but let his eyes searched just beyond their shoulders, in the background, out of the corner of his eyes. Something was missing but he blamed it all on being in a coma. Then there were days, days like this very moment where he felt so helpless. It was as if someone tied all his limbs up with invisible string. The more he struggled the tighter it got. There was a cage over his heart and his soul was withering away longing for something that was just a blurry figure in his memories. Moments like these made him wish he hadn’t walked away from the accident. He screamed and wailed but that only made his frustration worse for he didn’t even know what name he should call out for. Then he saw it. The tiniest sparkle just in the corner of his eyes. He grasped onto it, like a tiny flame of hope, like a life jacket thrown over his body while he was lost in the stormy sea. Crawling on his hands and knees, San frantically searched every fiber of the rug covering the expanse of his living room. He ignored the searing pain in his knees and the aching that was settling comfortably in his chest. He couldn’t stop now, not when he was so close. Then he saw it. One tiny earring, so small yet it felt like he had found water in the vast, searing emptiness of a desert. He put it up close to his eyes, studying the small ruby set in gold, dainty next to a delicate star.
There it was again. That voice, so soft, so sweet echoing about the room. San searched the empty walls in panic, chasing that feeling he had been looking for.
“It’s fine, baby. I can just buy you another pair.” His voice, piercing. He shut his eyes, fearing any distraction would erase all the progress he had made.
“No… San~” The way that voice had whined his name felt like a warm apple pie in the slight bite of Autumn weather. It felt like a warm hug on a frigid winter night. It felt like holidays spent with loved ones. It felt like home. San began to chase the memory, the blurry figure mirroring the franticness he possessed just a second ago as it searched the room. “I know you can buy me another pair. This one is special though.”
“Hey, love…” The memory version of himself had just closed his arms around the shivering figure, San too closed his arms around his own body. He could feel it, home. It was home. The figure immediately let its head fall into his chest, immediately stilling in his hold.
“I hate myself, how could I be so careless.”
“Baby, no, don’t do that. Things happened. It’s just some metal and rock, we can get new ones. Don’t beat yourself up over this.”
“Metal and rock… It was the first ever gift my amazing boyfriend gave me. I can’t replace 7 years worth of memories.” Eyes strained, San was so lost in that little whine, the little pout… Wait, the pout. He still couldn’t make out every feature of the figure but that pout, how could he have forgotten that pout.
“You still have one of them, that gotta count for something right? And as long as we have each other, memories are never ending.” As the memory of himself pressed a small kiss on that adorable pout, San felt it. The soft kisses of a lazy Sunday morning. The passionate kisses of late nights entangling in blankets. The comforting kisses after a long day of work. The loving kisses in the quiet moment of being home cooking dinner together. All the emotions were like steroids to his heart and soul, he was so overwhelmed but San couldn’t let go. He was clinging on to this memory like a lifeline.
“I love you so much, San.”
“I love you too, sweetheart.”
As the memory closed out, the echoing in his mind was now filled with “I love you”. The first time he had said “I love you”. The desperate “I love you” after an argument. The lustful “I love you” as he drew out another moan. The gentle “I love you” when things were quiet against the pattering raindrops against the window. They were all echoing, playing all at once in his mind, tearing into his skin. San was choking, gasping for air but he was right where he wanted to be. 7 years worth of love was crashing down on him, cracking his bones with its weight. Flashes of body parts, of features, of voices, of smiles were once more haunting his consciousness. As the voice faded out, San once more laid abuse on his tired mind, willing it to come back. Then he saw it. The box that Wooyoung had settled down earlier before rushing his personal things into his bedroom. What did he say it was again? Personal effects? Right, his things that the police had collected from the pile of twisted metals that was once his car and given back to his family after the accident.
Never before had he felt such conviction in his heart as he rushed to open up the box laid neatly in the corner. San didn’t even know what he was looking for but just that his heart would know. Various pens, mints, sunglasses, random knick knacks that had previously occupied his car laid messily inside the box. He dug through reckless abandon as he searched aimlessly. Then a sudden pang ripped through his heart and it nearly felt like his life was nearly ending for a second time. Face pale and skin clammy with cold sweat. His fingers shakily reached out to the tiny box hiding just beneath his blood stained sweater… Though the box lay lifeless, San couldn’t help but hesitate to reach for it as if it was a monster resting peacefully. The sigh that had been heavy in his chest the entire night finally being exhaled into the cold air of 4:35AM. He had to do it. This was the piece of puzzle that he had been searching for. One step forward then two steps back, nearly 5 minutes had passed before his fingers ghosted against the blue velvet fabric covering the tiny box. His mind was screaming for his body to move with haste yet his heart was losing courage fast. He knew what was in the box. His soul knew with utmost certainty that his life, his future was contained neatly in the tiny thing held so tightly in his hand. Yet…Would it make any difference if he opened it up? What difference would it make really if he couldn’t even remember whose hand was the ring supposed to rest upon?
For the first time since arriving home, San let his weary body rested upon the couch he had so carelessly pushed aside not long ago. He held the box up in the air, moonlight enveloped the velvet in its silvery wisp. It had been nearly an hour now since he found the key that could unlock the dark pit of his life. He was scared. San was so fearful that this anticipation bubbling in his chest would vanish the second he opened the little thing up. What if he opens it up only to find nothing, feelings numbed just as they had been since he opened up his eyes to the cold light of the hospital. What if this nightmare never ends and he would have to live the rest of his life without that sweet voice and delicate smile. What if he never recalls the person that had loved him so much a mere earring sent them into a frantic fit? Thousands of scenarios were flashing through his mind, all the ways his future could play out and it all led back to one thing… The ring inside that box. He was so close to having the family he always wanted. So why, why was life so cruel to rip it away from him like this. The tears that should have fallen long ago finally welled up in his eyes as his fingers moved to creak open the box… If the emotions that had come to him when he recalled the kisses and the “I love you” were rain to a drought, this was a flash food, a hurricane, a tsunami washing over every fiber of his being. San was overwhelmed, so overwhelmed that he had fallen off his couch onto his knees. The flashes of body parts, of features, of voices, of smiles were strobing through his mind just as it had but this time… This time all the pieces finally connected as he clutched the diamond ring sparkling so brightly in the moonlight close to his heart. Suddenly the fear that had weighed down his body when he saw the bright headlight of the car that had nearly stolen his life came back like flood waves. He was fearful, so, so afraid but it wasn’t death he was afraid of. He was afraid of never seeing you again. He was afraid of never being able to give you the life he had promised so long ago. He was afraid of making you cry. A loud sob tore through the silence of the house as all the memories that had been missing came rushing back. It was true what they said, that life would flash before his eyes once he was on death’s door. Except for San it wasn’t life that had flashed before his eyes, it was your love. Your love didn’t make him feel invincible or that nothing could ever go wrong. He knew that wasn’t realistic. Your love was the kind of love that was steady and warm. The kind that he knew even on the worst days of his life, it would lift him up from the depth of hell and hold him tightly. It wasn’t that he would be invincible, it was that being loved by you made San feel like he could face any trial, any tribulation head on without fear. Life could still hurt him but it didn’t matter if he could go home to you at the end of the night. He called out to you, once, then twice, then the pain that had been masked by all the adrenaline coursing through his veins finally came through. He cried out in pain, in happiness, in missing you.
He found you.
Just then his phone rang out, loud and piercing. San struggled his way over, pushing his body far past its limit as he saw Seonghwa’s name flashing brightly on his screen. Seonghwa always knew, call it higher intuition or whatever but any time one of the boys were in trouble, Seonghwa always knew. His vision went white with pain as his index finger barely made contact with the phone screen. Your name was the only thing he had muttered before the world went dark. Frantic calls of his name fell from the speaker but San was gone, exhaustion finally caught him.
The next moment he opened his eyes, the sight assaulting bright light of the hospital room was once more what greeted him back to life. San groaned, body felt like he had gone through a wood chipper. Yet as he struggled to sit up against the protest of 7 boys nearly screaming at him to lay back down, there was a strange clarity in his heart. San stared wide eyes at the boys hanging on by a thread, bated breaths beaming back at him. He could tell there were so many questions they wanted to ask him but alas, Seonghwa had shooed them all away. Reluctantly, one by one they left the room. San watched on, wincing as that familiar blinding headache once more tore through his head. Seonghwa rushed back to his side, still silent yet eyes strained on San’s every movement.
“Stop staring at me like I’m going to drop dead any second now, Hwa…” San chuckled, taking a glass of water from his friend that was still staring at him with. Perplexity was plaguing his sharp features.
“Do you remember anything from last night?” He asked with an almost impossible carefulness, as if one wrong word would finally crack his best friend.
“Yea. I called you, right before I passed out, right?” San chuckled, he was forgetful but he wasn’t THAT forgetful.
“Right…” Seonghwa gritted through his teeth. Wrong answer. That wasn’t the answer Seonghwa was looking for.
“Is… Is there something I should remember?” The clarity that had been so warm and cozy was now being replaced with uneasiness. As he studied Seonghwa’s expression, San felt like something big had happened. Something big enough to rattle his usually calm friend to the core. He had only seen his friend this bothered twice… Once when Yeosang had gone off the grid after a particularly hard stretch at work, and the second was playing out right in front of his eyes this very second. “Seonghwa… If something happened last night, you need to tell me right now.”
“Think, San. What were you doing before you passed out…” San was frustrated. He was so tired of all the half truth and hidden words. He knew his friends meant well but sometimes San wished they’d just come right out and say whatever it was that had them avoiding his eyes. None of them knew how unfair it was, to live a life that everyone else seemingly knew more details than he did.
“I showered, went through my luggages…” What was that? Just there, flashing through his mind like static.
“I know it hurts when you push it but I really need you to think. What did you do after that?” Seonghwa let his body crash onto the edge of the bed, hands reaching out to hold San’s, squeezing so hard his fingers were digging harshly into his skin.
“I found your bobby pins…?” The memories of himself digging through his entire room suddenly came flooding back. Why did he do that? Why was he so sure those tiny pins belong to seonghwa? “They’re yours right?” When his eyes finally lifted to meet his friends, Seonghwa was slowly shaking his head. “If they’re not yours then who? No one in our group had hair long enough to use those stupid things. They were everywhere, like goddamn glitter. Just tell me what you saw when you came over last night…Please.” Anger was slowly surging in his heart, bubbling so close to the surface San felt like he was teetering on the edge of throwing up all the food he had eaten the night before. “Please!”
“When I came in, your living room was a mess. Everything was thrown everywhere. It genuinely looked like a tornado had gone through.” The more he listened, the more confused he became. Why would he disrespect his friends like that? They had all spent so long cleaning up his house to prepare for his return. “I called an ambulance for you. When I went to your room to pack you some clothes…” Seonghwa's voice trailed out, ominous, as if he was about to speak of some forbidden tale.
“What? What is it? Just spit it out, Hwa. At this rate, I’m never going to remember anything if you guys all tiptoed around me like I’m made of glass.” He knew it wasn’t kind to blow up this way when all his friends wanted was to help but San was beyond his breaking point. His body was healing but his mind was slowly deteriorating. He couldn’t take it anymore.
“I saw the pile of bobby pins you left on your bed. San… None of us had ever stayed at your house long enough to leave bobby pins everywhere. Who do you think those belong to?” The reminder of what he had left behind had San stammering in confusion. “It won’t mean anything if I tell you what happened. We tried that, we tried telling you everything you were missing but it meant nothing…You have to remember it yourself.” Seonghwa too was desperate, San could tell very clearly by the way his brows furrowed and how his lips were being chewed to shreds.
Shower. Bobby pins. Luggage. Closet. Living room. Like a mantra, San muttered it to himself over and over until he was nothing more than a madman repeating things without any result. The words themselves began to lose meaning. The clarity that had steeled so strongly in his mind was nothing more than static. It was as if his brain was switching between channels, doing its best to hone in on the missing spot in his memories but all he was getting was the buzzing of statics. Missing spots. As he thought about all the missing spots in his memories, the image of the gallery wall in his hallway came rushing back.
“Seonghwa, did you remove pictures from my wall while you were cleaning?” At the mention of missing frames, Seonghwa lit up. It was bright, hope was at the edge of his smile as he leaned in closer.
“It wasn’t me. Those frames were gone long before we came. Think, San! You’re almost there. Who would remove the pictures?”
“I-“ baffled, San once more repeating his mantra in his mind, this time the missing pictures were included. “Who asked you to clean up the house when I got home?” The memory of Hongjoong aggressively whispering as Seonghwa’s quick hands dusting every surface of the living room came rushing back. The slight feeling when Yeosang had jumped into the chair he had pulled out at the dining table, the name that was teetering on the tip of his tongue when Mingi was struggling in the kitchen… They all came back just as the nauseating feeling in his heart.
“The same person that had taken those pictures. The same person whose name you said last night on the phone with me.” Seonghwa could see it, his friend was so close to the conclusion he had come to all on his own the night before. Just a bit more and he could finally let go of all the things he had held himself back from saying. “San, I know you can do it. You did it last night all on your own.”
San tried, he really tried but all he saw beyond his friend’s hopefulness was the bright light of the other car before his life was turned upside down. The warm feeling of blood dripping down his forehead as he laid there, being held up only by his seatbelt was still so real. Muffles of passerby calling out to him, telling him to hang on and that help was coming soon mingled with the siren of the first responder echoed still in his mind. He remembered the noise, that god awful metal crunching noise as the firefighters tore the car apart to get him out. He could lose his memories a million times over and he could never forget that noise. Yet beyond all the chaos, beyond the shouting of the nurses and doctors, just at the edge of pain and discomfort there was something so warm and fuzzy. His vision was blurring and darkening but he remembered seeing the flashes of the light on the ceiling of the hospital hallway as they rushed his gurney to the operating room. Just as the night before, he held onto that feeling. San was slowly beginning to understand why he kept looking beyond his friends’ shoulder, searching the space out of the corner of his eyes. He was slowly understanding because as afraid as he was thinking back of that night, he could feel a presence so bright and happy, like a guardian angel soothing his pain away. He held on and shut his eyes, his hands holding onto Seonghwa’s tightly. Whispers of his name began to color his memories golden. “San. San, baby.” That feeling he had the night before was clear now, his heart finally locked onto the channel he had been aimlessly searching for. Even as cold as the hospital was, as cold as his limbs were from the blood loss, his hand was never cold. His hand was never cold because you were always there with him. You were the anchor that steady him, the thread that guided him back from death’s grip. Your endless calling of his names, the kisses you laid on his skin, the way you never let go of his hands. You held onto him in the vast ocean of hurt. You were the one constant in his life. You were the missing spots and the bobby pins were the keys to remind him that he can always come back to you no matter how far, or how long he had been lost.
“The ring! Where’s the ring?”
San shot up from his bed. Nevermind the pain, nevermind that he had just scared his friends shitless. He found you, again. He found you. Seonghwa rushed to grab his bag, frantically shoving the small box into San’s shaky hands. Neither breathed, eyes strained on the small box. They shared a hopeful look before Seonghwa gripped San’s shoulder for support. San hadn’t even realized he had been holding his breath but as he nodded to steady his own nerve, a long sigh of relief finally exhaled.
“Hwa… Where’s Y/n?” As his eyes studied the ring he had spent so long dreaming up, San finally felt all the pieces of his life connected. All the longing, the feeling of missing home, the feeling of the vast emptiness in his life, they were all you. “Oh my God. Y/n… where’s Y/n?” The moment your name came tumbling out from his lips, that head splitting headache was once more badgering in his brain. He had to persist, had to. He found you, again. There was no way he would let you slip out of his fingers one more time so he repeated your name, over and over. When the rest of the boys returned, they all stared at him in shock. Shock because he truly looked like an insane person repeating your name over and over again… Shock because this was the first time they had heard him say your name out of his own volition in over 3 months. They all rushed forward but Seonghwa signaled for them to stay silent. The 7 boys watched on as San continued his mantra, as if he could manifest you out of thin air if he said your name enough times. Then suddenly a string of numbers fell from his lips, over and over again. They all stared at each other in confusion before Wooyoung pulled out his phone to type in the numbers.
“Shit, he’s saying Y/n’s phone number.” San was still sitting there, wide eyes in shock watching as all his friends crashed into each other in a chaotic mess of hugs and tears.
“Where’s my phone? Why don’t I have Y/n’s pictures in my phone?” His hands frantically patted around his beds, clutching the phone Jongho had just rushed into his hands. The unfamiliar background staring back at him like a bad omen.
“Your phone broke, San. We tried to repair it but it had cracked nearly all the way through. Your parents got you a new phone. We couldn’t get into your account to restore anything. We didn’t want to force you while you were weak so we left your phone as is.” Hongjoong explained.
“Then… How come she hadn’t visited me at all? Is she mad at me?” The thought of you being angry with him was far worse than any pain he felt. You would never leave him, not when he was in such a state. What could he possibly have done that had driven you off this way?
“San… She did. Slept right beside you the entire time you were in the coma. She wouldn’t leave. We had to physically drag her away from you just to get her to eat.”
The boys took turns explaining the missing months he had spent in the hospital. You were a wreck, far worse than anyone could’ve anticipated. The first night you sat in front of the operating room, the entire 7 hours long it had taken the doctors to bring San back to life. Everyone tried but all their words fell on deaf ears. It was as if your soul were tied to San’s, physically grounding you the hard plastic chair of the waiting area. They wished they could say that the first few nights were the hardest, but that would’ve been an egregious lie. The entire month San had spent laying there in silence, faith unknown, was just as hard on you as when the police had called to inform you of his accident. You didn’t eat, you didn’t sleep. You held onto his hands and spoke to him as if it was just another casual conversation you’d have at home. You were glued to his side and no one could tell you otherwise. Eventually, all the boys had enough. They called for your friends and together they more or less dragged you out of the room. Although by this point, it didn’t take much effort because you were nearly as weak as San was. You cried and begged but when they had reminded you of how upset San would be to see you in this state, it was like a cold glass of water to your face. How could you wish for San to return home if the home he needed was wasting her health and life away sitting by his bed. So you finally listened and slowly returned to your daily routine, but not before everyone had promised that San would never be alone.
As San listened on, he couldn’t help but feel his heart shattered in millions of pieces. He was hurt but you too were breaking in your own way. Then what should’ve been a happy day turned awry. The call that San had woken up came on an unassuming Wednesday afternoon. You had rushed to his hospital room, heart drumming with excitement and happiness. The boys were all gathered in front of the hospital bed and the sound of laughter was crisp against the sweltering heat of a summer day. It all came crashing down when you called his name and all he had to return was a vacant “who are you?”. Wooyoung had thought San was joking. He was truly angry, sincerely upset yelling at his friend who was still staring blankly at the stranger standing in front of him with tears welling up in her eyes. He had shouted, how cruel could San be when you had nearly thrown your life away just to be here with him. Then as seconds turned into minutes, the realization that this was all very real came down hard. Stories after stories, pictures after pictures, they all crowded the bed in some sort of sick and twisted show and tell. Hope was worn precariously on their sleeves as they all did their best to help him remember. You just sat there, in the same chair you had occupied in all the days when he was deep asleep, exhausted, hurt, and silent. You told Seonghwa you wanted to be angry, but you didn’t even know where to find the energy to be angry. Why you? Why out of everyone in this world, the only person he couldn’t remember was you? They didn’t know what else to do. The doctors had no answers, no one had any answers. So you did the only thing you could do, be the constant in his life. You showed up each day, hope in your eyes and love in your smiles. You doted on his every need and all that did was make San feel guilty. So he told you to leave. You didn’t listen at first, of course. The boys too were adamant about you keep coming by, that things would change eventually. Yet they could all see it, the weariness in your smile and how hope was slowly dimming in your eyes. Then they arrived one day to the sound of yelling. You stood there, hopeless and tears streaming down your face, features haggard. San was frustrated, as he had been, but that day was different. He was yelling at you to leave, that nothing would change even if you keep coming for 5, 10, 100 years. You were nothing but a stranger pestering him to remember something his heart clearly didn’t want to. That had cut deep, not just for you but for everyone else. They all admired the love you had for San and the way San loved you back. Yet that love was now could be seen by everyone but him. When he looked at you, he genuinely felt nothing but pity… Pity that you had looked at him with nothing but hope. Pity that when he looked back at you, all he saw was a stranger. All he felt was guilt when you had cried because you meant nothing to him and beginning to wear him out. San told you to give up because whoever you were looking for had died.
The boys were so angry, San could tell even now that they were still angry. They had let him know it wasn’t him they were crossed with. They were upset over how unfair life had been, how everything was such a mess. Yet what could they do if he physically cannot recall the best part of his life. He hadn’t asked for this and they knew it, no one did. It was just an unfortunate situation that was out of everyone’s hands. They didn’t blame him, but it changed not the fact they were still hurt hearing those words. There was nothing for them to do but to stand by and watch as San pushed away the one person who will always have his back. The youngest of them all were still very much hurt by the way he could barely look at San. Tears were hot on his cheeks as he continued to listen to the cruel words he had said to you. Suddenly it all made sense, the empty spots on his walls, in his closet, on his bed. You tried your best to be his constant but he didn’t let you. So you did the best thing for him, even if it meant ripping your heart from your chest. San sat there disheartened, clutching the box that was supposed to be the key to his future. Seonghwa recalled the last conversation he had with you, how you had asked for a big favor and how apologetic you had been. He hadn’t realized how serious the situation had been until he arrived at your shared home with San to see nearly half of everything had gone missing… Pictures, mugs, decorations, clothes. You had begged Seonghwa to help you clean up and replace the missing pictures on the wall and he had resisted. He didn’t want to erase you completely from san’s life but you had reminded him that the accident already did. All he would be doing now was cleaning up to prepare San for the best possible life without you. You both held each other and cried until there were no more tears to cry. Even deep in your own hell, you had repeatedly comforted Seonghwa. You had asked him to tell the rest of the guys that it was good enough that San remembered his family, remembered all his friends. It was good enough because you knew San was in good hands. Then you left.
Seonghwa had every intention to clean up and replace the missing pictures that night, he really did. But between Hongjoong arguing with him about how wrong all of this was and San nearly fainting again, he didn’t have the chance. They all had left the house that night with heavy hearts. The last time they had gathered was when San asked for help to plan the proposal. Their last dinner together was so hopeful, forever was right there so close they could all taste it. Looking down at the ring sitting in the little box instead of your finger, San understood why Yeosang and Hongjoong had looked so sad that night. He was hurt, yes… But not knowing had protected him from all the emotional turmoil everyone else was going through. The world continued on for everyone else while he was blissfully ignorant of all the pain. It had taken San all his strength to not break down in front of his friends. All the emotions they had experienced over the span of months was coursing through his veins all at once, all within the last hour. As San glanced up at the men who had supported him not just physically but emotionally through the roughest time of his life, he was thankful. So thankful to have friends who would keep not just him but the love of his life safe. He whispered a tearful thank you to each one of them, knowing he could never give them back enough. As they watched him type out the string of numbers he had been muttering like an insane person not long ago, they quietly took their leave. The next part he’d have to do himself. Whatever the outcome might be, they’ll be just outside waiting to support him. For now, for just this little bit of the journey, San had to do it alone. Shaky fingers barely hitting the call button, San considered abandoning his phone even before the line could ring. Yet the moment he heard your voice so clear, nothing mattered anymore.
“Hi, sweet girl…” The second those words had left his lips, San could feel his heart healing. It felt right, being able to say those words to the love of his life.
“San?” Your voice barely a whisper, he wondered if you were afraid he might disappear again.
“Yea, baby. Guess what? I found your earring!”
The line went quiet and for a second he thought you had hung up. All the things he had said, even if he didn’t know what he was doing, even if it was all because of his condition, you still bear all the burden and all the hurt. He wouldn’t blame you if you never look at him again. It hurt to see the pain in his friends’ faces as they recalled the heavy words he had thrown at you. He felt ashamed that he could ever talk to you that way. He had hurt you when all you wanted to do was help, when all you wanted to do was give him the home he had longed for.
“Sweetheart?”
Then he heard it, the way his name sounded so sweet, falling so desperately from your lips. You were crying and he too couldn’t contain his own tears. For a long while, San sat there listening to you cry over the phone, soaking in the way you were calling for him over and over again just to hear him answer you. He wanted to ask you to come back but he was too fearful still, so he just whispered “I love you” over and over again until you replied with the words he wanted to hear the most since he found you again.
“I love you so much, San. Wait for me.”
He urged you to take your time, that he’d be here waiting his entire life if it meant you’d be back in his arms again. He had made you wait for far too long and it was now his turn. When his friends had returned, San was a sobbing mess. Gibberish falling from his lips in between little cries of your name. Somewhere in between the 5th time he had repeated your name in desperation and Jongho giving San about every object in the room out of confusion, Yunho had figured out he wanted one of them to accompany you on your way here. So he turned to leave, already on call with you and San nodded fervently, thanking his friends endlessly. They all gathered around him, happy tears dotting their cheeks as they recalled the happier days. They all promised to help you move back into your shared home if San never scared them like this, ever again. San countered with another dinner to re-plan the proposal that should have happened a long time ago. It was an easy deal to agree to so they all shook hands in agreement. Finally feeling the lightness and hope for the future, the feeling he had been yearning for was found as he awaited the love of his life that was arriving any second now. All the missing spots were finally full.
-Jihoon thought he did what was best for you, so why did it feel like the world was ending.
a/n: I still freaking miss him sm. We got a 12/13 monthly meeting and I'm happy but my man is missing. Also part 2 is real long and ramble-y, sorrryyyy! Also I guess the "open ending" isn't as open as I originally intended lol.
Jihoon couldn’t help but let his mind wander into the world passing by beyond the large glass storefront window. He had been standing on the pedestal in the middle of the tailor shop for the last 5 minutes, wincing at the shrill voice of the seamstress shouting out numbers to her assistants, flinching every time she fussed about his body with her tape measurer. The bright spot lights made Jihoon feel like a jewel on display, though no one was really looking at him… Not in the state he was in anyways. Dishevel and rough was to say the least.
His ever so chaotic groom-to-be best friend had thought it was a great idea to book their suit fitting appointment the day after the bachelor trip. In hindsight… No, it was still a terrible idea no matter what time, what day that decision was made. The rest of the boys had sprawled across the lobby the moment they entered, barely holding together as regret slowly emanating from their weary bodies. Chan’s soul jumped out of his body every time another number was shouted off and Mingyu looked about one hair away from death’s door. Jihoon was numbed with regrets. Numbed from the insane amount of alcohol they had absorbed the last 5 days. Numbed from the sheer amount of activities Soonyoung had managed to cram into the short 5 days they had in paradise. And numbed, because he had spent the last 4 days running through every possible scenario of his first encounter with you since the breakup. The countdown to the wedding continued to tick away and he was no closer to making peace with the fact that he had broken your heart than he had that painful night. He knew he had destroyed his dream girl in the cruelest way, to not even offer a single explanation, no reason to give you the closure you deserved. He just walked away as if the last 5 years of your lives weren’t intertwined in every sense of the world. It didn’t matter the reason he had, Jihoon knew he had no right to face you, to be in the same room as you.
It had been the second evening of the trip when Soonyoung had found his best man lingering by the edge of the beach, eyes longing for something beyond the stunning tropical sunset. The rest of the boys had crashed early. Some combination of long flight, far too much food, and definitely too much drinks had done them in. Not Jihoon… His mind was far too occupied with the thought of you. The question that had been vexing on his mind was teetering on the tip of his tongue, though he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. It wasn’t his weekend and it wasn’t his place. A deeper part of his soul, the part that was still very much in denial, was far too afraid of the answer to even think of asking the question. When Soonyoung had flopped down right beside him, Jihoon could feel it. The incoming storm of emotions he had been choking back for far too long rising, souring in his throat. Then he heard it, your name echoing so clearly against the waves crashing ashore. You were coming to the wedding. Jihoon didn’t quite know if this was the answer he was waiting for or not, but his tears began to fall all the same. It was silent at first, gently rolling down his slightly sunburnt cheeks as Soonyoung wrapped his arms around his best friend’s shoulders. The weight of the unknown came crashing down harder than Jihoon could have ever anticipated. Loud sobs swallowed up by the harmonious song of the ocean, of the wind, and of the coconut tree dancing softly. Jihoon dug his face deep into his best friend’s shoulder as he let his sorrow free for the first time in a long time. Soonyoung whispered words of encouragement but he knew it was all useless. There wasn’t anything he could say this very second that could soothe the loss of a great love like what Jihoon and you had. So he just sat there, letting his friend mourn the life he could have had under the cooling air of the evening. Soonyoung too shed a quiet tear for a love that should’ve been eternal but was snuffed out too soon.
Since the moment your name was spoken aloud, Jihoon’s mind had been running on fear, on anxiety. He didn’t know how to face you, not when he had set everything ablaze on his way out. Even standing here on this stupid, brightly lit pedestal enduring the abuse of the seamstress, Jihoon couldn’t help but imagine how you’d have teased him for the faces he was making. It wasn’t that long ago that you had accompanied him to every wedding related appointment. Who knew there was so much more that went into being a best man. Sure, he had been groomsmen before – to Joshua, to Wonwoo, to Chan. This was another beast all together, especially when the groom was the ever chaotic Soonyoung. If left him be, Jihoon was sure the wedding was going to be some ridiculous jungle themed. Soonyoung’s partner had dragged both Jihoon and you to nearly every appointment, from cake to flower to even chair and linen. Jihoon suspected his job was more so to keep his best friend in check and you were really the one that was there for the style and design support. He didn’t mind it at all, excited even to attend every single meeting. He didn’t mind it because as he sat there watching you discuss the differences between two colors that honestly looked exactly the same, Jihoon imagined it was yours and his wedding you were planning for. Even if he didn’t understand most of it, Jihoon mentally noted as many details as he could for when it would be his turn. He’d stared in awe, wondering how he was so lucky to have someone like you. It didn’t matter how wild the suggestion of the chaotic groom to be would come up, you somehow managed to spin it into something more suitable for a wedding of his partner’s dream.
Yet biting in the back of his mind was all the days when he was too busy to accompany you, all the days when he could barely breathe, let alone being able to process any of these foreign words. You’d come home, exhausted and a bit frazzled but beautiful regardless. The way your smile immediately brightened up the moment you saw his face was always the best part. It didn’t matter how rough the day had been, Jihoon found so much comfort in knowing he was the reason for that dazzling smile. You’d immediately crashed into his arms, kissing him anywhere you could and expressing just how much you missed him. Although he loved the attention, loved the way you adored him, Jihoon couldn’t help but feel useless. This wasn’t a rare occurrence anymore. It had become so frequent that he was finding it hard to recall a time where every evening would be filled with songs and laughter as you cooked dinner while he cleaned the apartment. It was hard to recall a time where he’d spend the hours leading up to bed time just laying in your lap and enjoying the way you’d run your fingers through his hair. The harsh truth was that there were now more days where he’d just be a face on your screen rather than being loved on by you in person. The days where he was able to greet you from home were ones he counted as lucky. There were so, so many more where he wouldn’t be able to see you at all, to feel your hug, to see your smile. Jihoon counted every single day he was blessed with being called the country’s hottest producer as lucky. It was an amazing thing that he never thought could happen to this little hobby of his. The opportunities that had come his way were more than he could have ever imagined when he was just a fresh face starting out in this cut throat business.
It used to be just him in a tiny rent-by-hour studio, Seungcheol’s crappy laggy laptop he borrowed from school, Seokmin’s insane vocals, and a shared dream of making it big. Then one day Seokmin dragged in a fresh face Seungkwan whom he had just kidnapped from his school’s choir team and the rest was history. Their tiny team of 4 eventually turned into 13 as they all dragged their friends from various walks of life into this insane journey. One by one, Jihoon and Seungcheol managed to produce an impressive amount of songs that mostly went nowhere, but it paid enough for them to rent a real studio with real working equipment. Most of all, it was big enough to fit all 13 growing, boisterous boys. Thinking back now, this position he was in felt like a miracle. All those nights spent toiling away in that tiny hole in the wall… None of them thought it would ever go anywhere. They all hoped to break into this crazy business but somewhere between all the rejections, they were all ready to face reality. None of them thought that they would all make it big, not just one or two of them, all of them. Thus this feeling Jihoon had was almost blasphemous. Although he couldn’t deny how real it was and how fast it was eating away at his heart. He had rejected it for so long, pretending like he wasn’t exhausted from balancing everything on his worn out shoulders. Watching as each of his friends one by one commit to their forever person, Jihoon couldn’t push it off any longer. So many of his peers struggle just to never get to where he was, to never be given the opportunities he was given. It was a miracle and a blessing all in one that he was so successful with the background he had. Yet…Some days, this blessing felt more like a burden, a curse.
He could finally give you the life you deserved. The big house with the yard for all the pets you can dream of, vacations every holiday, and maybe eventually children. He can finally give you the world, but the price he had paid for that? It was you. The high of being a big name in the industry slowly began to wear him out. He was now faced with the tragic realization that his days, nights, and thoughts were mostly filled with work. Gone were the days where he’d wake up to you snuggling closer into his chest. Gone were the nights where he’d fall asleep to your kisses. Many nights now he’d simply fall asleep at his desk, on the creaky studio couch, sometimes even on the plush rug you had bought for him to “jazz up the place”. His eyes were tired and reddened most days from staring at his laptop, staring at the lines on his screens, staring at the rows of buttons at the recording booth. Jihoon was so sure by this point that there was a permanent dent on top of his head where his headphone rested so often. What use was all the beautiful lyrics he wrote for you, if the muse to all his songs couldn’t even be there to enjoy it first hand.
That question weighed heavier on his heart with each day passing by. As he watched his best friend dance to some stupid commercial jingle he had memorized just to make his fiancee laugh, Jihoon felt small. When was the last time he had made you laugh like that, the kind of laugh that has you double over in tears. When even was the last time he took you on a real date? Sat with you through your period cramp? Held you close as you watch Stardusts for the millionth time? Ate with you and listened to you talk about the annoying manager from work? These are the kind of questions that were biting at his soul as he watched you so happily chatting away with Soonyoung’s fiancee about wedding details. Jihoon thought of all the nights you sat alone at home while he was out at some lame event or launch party he’d much rather skip. All the nights you spent alone on your shared bed while he was too busy to even think about sleep. Between pressure at work to put out the next new hit to feeling utterly inadequate at being a good boyfriend, Jihoon felt like his world was caving in. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t catch a break. He used to think it was just enough that he was yours, and you were all his. Yet his love for you felt so pale in comparison to the vibrant, colorful one that Soonyoung had for his partner. Somewhere in between deciding that the wedding color was a compromise between Soonyoung and his fiancee’s favorite color, lavender and apricot, to deciding that they’d have all three cake flavors… Jihoon made the most terrifying decision of his life.
He was leaving you.
The gentle warmth of Jeonghan’s hand brought Jihoon back to reality, a tear silently rolled down his cheek unknowingly. He looked up to see all his friends surrounding him, soft smile and supportive gaze lifted him from the depth of hell he had plunged himself into. His friends watched on as he put on a fake smile, mumbling something about being too tired and too hungover to realize the seamstress was done with his measurement long ago. He had been standing there staring off into space with a smile that they understood all too well, a smile that only memories of you could create. They all knew this was hard on him, Soonyoung more than anyone else. Many times now he had offered for Jihoon to sit out of all the activities, saying that it was fine if he just showed up on the day of the wedding. All the other boys had agreed to help him shoulder the best man responsibilities but Jihoon couldn’t do that. He insisted on attending everything, putting on a brave face that he knew wasn’t fooling anyone. And, for the most part he had done a good job so they pretended not to notice otherwise for his sake. However, as he watched the bridesmaids leaving the shop when the unusually quiet group of boys had arrived for their own appointment, Jihoon couldn’t help but feel the punch to his gut. The colors, the theme, the cake flavors, everything reminded him of the unfillable black hole you had left behind. The unfillable black hole that was swallowing up his heart, his soul, his humanity, and his life. He didn’t know how to fix it. The longer he was away from you, the more of himself he lost. He was utterly useless without you.
Dragging his weary body down the familiar path leading to his studio, Jihoon couldn’t help but let out a mirthless laugh at the rows of awards lining the hallway walls. He could still remember so clearly the excitement in your features as you took millions of pictures of him in front of each shiny awards. You were so proud of him, and you weren’t shy about showing it to the world. It had lit his heart aglow, like gasoline to the fire of his passion. He promised you that he’d keep writing songs and winning awards if this was how you’d react every time. He looked down to see you beamed back up at him, nodding fervently into a hug, Jihoon felt like he was on top of the world. Winning awards was amazing, but having you being so excited to just be in his life felt like the biggest achievement of all. Funny how his beautiful muse was now nothing more than a ghost haunting his heavy steps. As the light of his studio flickered on, he couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to this room that once felt so warm and cozy. It had been the same routine since he had left you behind, muscle memories carried him through the darkness each day. As he scanned the interior of his studio, something felt… off. It was as if someone had removed all the warmth and replaced them with something lifeless. There was something sterile, soul sucking about the room he had been so prideful of. It was strange but the only thing he could liken it to was the feeling of stepping into a morgue, just an edge of unpleasantness, unsettling and cold. The room had been strategically decorated, everything was placed with care and intention but now, everything felt lackluster like everything good had up and left the moment you stopped being a constant in his life. Everything except the little plant you had given him so long ago when he was first signed to this company. He walked over to the little thing that was now a bit overgrown, gentle fingers petting the leaves as a greeting. You had joked that the plant’s name was Lil’ Woozi Verse, a silly little play on his producer name and the fact that he was your universe. You had cracked yourself up over the name and he just laughed along, more so because he was so amused at how funny you had found your own joke to be. Although many times now you had offered to change the name of the little plant, he insisted on keeping the name because it reminded him so much of the joy you bring to his life.
Bag tossed aside, Jihoon let his worn body sink into the chair that had moulded to his body. His feet began toying at the drag path in the rug where your chair once resided. He had gotten rid of the chair that used to hold his whole world the second week after the break up. Night after night, he’d stared into the empty seat beside his own, studying the outline where you used to be. He’d sit there in sorrow, wishing he could take everything back as liquor burned his inside… Though he knew, nothing would burn as much as what he had done to you. Many early morning he’d startled awake calling your name, hands frantically reaching out for you and tears already doting his lashes. When his fingers failed to ever reach you, the pain he felt was unbearable. The more he chased the ghost of you sitting in that chair, bobbing along to some melody he was working on, smiling back at him, the angrier Jihoon would get. Then it all hit him, this chair was now holding nothing but false hope of a future he’d never have.
So in a fit of anger, of regret, of self pity, he got rid of it… Just like he got rid of you.
That night Jihoon had collapsed on the floor of his studio after dragging the chair all the way down to the dumpster, tears falling endlessly as the weight of his action sunk in deep. That night he let himself wallow in guilt, in pain, in sadness, in missing you. He had laid there for a few hours before his boys had come to drag him out of his studio in lieu of hundreds of messages and calls going unanswered. He fought them, kicking and screaming that he had to finish this song for you even if it killed him before throwing himself onto his chair once more. Jihoon eventually relented after Soonyoung and Seungkwan had threatened to pour water on his computer and kidnap his little plant child. The computer, Jihoon didn’t give a shit about but knowing his friends’ track record, he couldn’t risk Lil’ Woozi dying in their care. Even then he had refused to get up, his body and his chair had fused into one being as Seokmin, Vernon, and Mingyu practically pried him out of the thing before carrying him out of the building. They all took turns sitting in his living room, watching over him as he let himself grieved. Although it was much more along the line of prison guards ensuring their prisoner wasn’t escaping back into the studio. He had cried for hours, teetering on the edge of self destruction when exhaustion finally took hold. They continued to monitor him even when the only thing emanating from the lonely bedroom was the soft sound of snoring. Eventually when they deemed he had rested and eaten enough, they reluctantly let him be though reminded him that they were never far away.
As his computer flickered on to the image of you smiling so brilliantly, Jihoon felt himself lost in another daydream, whispering a soft greeting to his love. It was the only place he could see you now, the happy version of you he desperately missed that is. So many times he had considered running back to you. He’d beg on his knees, sleep in the hallway of your apartment if needed, whatever it would take for you to even just look his way again. Missing you was like an itch he couldn’t scratch, it was aching so deep inside his bones yet seemingly running its web all along his skin. On one particularly bad night, he had gone out to drink with his team after their recent big win. He had drank perhaps more than he should have, drank until he couldn’t remember why he had drank so much in the first place. Jihoon found himself stumbling toward your apartment out of habit. He smiled at how warm your hug would be and how perfectly comfortable your lap would be as he felt sleep creeping up onto his spine. He couldn’t wait to be in your arms, even if you’d scold him for drinking too much. He had made it nearly to your front door when reality hit him like a meteor.
He didn’t get to do that anymore.
Gone were the long nights when he found peace in you snoring away on his studio couch while he was hard at work. Gone were the cozy mornings filled with regrets and headaches of a hangover spent laying in your arms and soaking in your love. Gone were the afternoon being a baby while you nurse him back to life. His best girl was gone and it was all done by his own hands. You loved him when he was a nobody, loved him when he got looked down upon. You loved him until you were forced to share him with the world, always smiling when he was approached by fans, always smiling when he was surrounded by critics and business people at gatherings. All his success, all the awards, what was it all for if he no longer had access to the best part of his life. Jihoon trudged back out the courtyard, standing there for how long he didn’t even remember. His eyes were trained on the covered windows of your apartment, finding it strange that you even remembered the curtains existed. For as long as he had known you, the windows remained open. You loved smelling the air, listening to the sound of nature, of the busy world outside. So many nights you’d both lay on the floor of your living room, listening to some new song he was obsessed with and stared out at the night sky above. You’d talked about nonsense and it felt like the most important things in the world to Jihoon. He missed those simple moments with you, when nothing else mattered. His entire life was held in the confinement of your small living room, just you and him and the future. He watched until the light flickered off before walking back the way he had come from, alone.
Thinking back of that day, Jihoon felt so ashamed standing there watching you live your life like a stalker. Would you still think he was cool if he knew the embarrassing things he did while missing you? A heavy sigh greeted the stuffy air of the drab studio. Jihoon got up to make his nightly tea, though the concoction he made barely qualified as tea now. It was the last box of tea you had left behind, the last few bits of you he physically had left. He had found comfort in resting by the open window of his studio with a cup of tea just the way you had done. He regretted not joining you more often in people watching. Oftentimes he’d just smile at you before returning to his work. Now, something about this nightly routine made him feel closer to you. He stared up at the sky, eyes straining to make out the stars barely shining, masked by the dirty pollution of the city lights. He remembered the trip you both were planning before everything had gone awry. You had been so excited, a trip to the countryside for the “meteor shower of the century”, the news had said. You couldn’t contain your happiness when he had brought up the idea, nearly knocking him to the ground in a big hug. He too was elated, though for a much deeper reason.
He was going to propose.
As he let his eyes trailed along the softly swaying row of trees, Jihoon let his mind wander to a reality that could have been. How different life could’ve been if he had just taken that trip with you, lay underneath the burning stars and enjoyed the comfort of your love. Perhaps you’d be his wife now. He wondered if this very second too, you were looking up at the stars and thought of the life he stole from you. He let his eyes fall to the busy street below, watching as drunken office workers stumbling in and out of the street food stall you used to stop by often. People watching had slowly become one of his favorite breaktime activities when nights were late and lonely. Sometimes he’d create little stories in his mind, making up little dialogues and pretending as if they were little characters he could control. He studied the fashion of his little characters, as if he was a fashion critic watching a show. The night air had been a bit colder than Jihoon anticipated as a gust of wind left everyone pulling their jackets closer to their face. Another sip of tea before his eyes wandered toward the entrance of his building out of habit, expecting it to be empty as always. Yet…That jacket… the tea cup nearly dropped from his hands the second his eyes locked onto that familiar shade of yellow, little flowers dotting the fabric, it was unmistakable yours. The familiar figure was slowly walking away from the building, soft hair swaying gently in the playful wind. Were you here? Did you come up to see him? Was he so lost in daydreaming that he had missed your knock? He let the cup fall out of his hands, crashing against the floor without care. Jihoon ran faster than he had ever run before. He ran all the way to the spot where he had seen you lingering, eyes wildly searching but the salvation to his yearning was nowhere to be seen. He swore he could still smell the scent of your perfume hanging in the cold air. There was no way it was a hallucination, there was no way. If there was one thing Jihoon knew with all his heart and soul, it was you. He would never mistake you with anyone else, not you, not his love. His body dropped onto the spot, mentally cursing himself for not paying attention, for once again being too late. He missed you. The night life passed by him in a blur, pitiful whispers fell upon the pathetic sight so stark against the bustling night life. The reminder that he had sent his best girl away forever once more came crashing down on his weary body like an unrelenting storm. He sat there in the spot, broken and lost.
Once more the sandman failed to stop by the studio to pick Jihoon up toward dreamland. One more night spent restless in the chair that had witnessed so much of his ingenuity at work, mind racing against the ticks of time. For the first time since he had suffocated the light of his muse, Jihoon was motivated. He could feel the words, the melody coursing through his veins far quicker than his fingers could move. The song he had struggled to finish not because he couldn’t but because it felt too much like a final goodbye came rushing out like rain soothing a long drought. Back aching and joints screaming for rest but Jihoon couldn’t hear them. You occupied his heart, mind, and soul. Not that you ever left his heart, or mind, or soul. He was drowning, drowning because every little thing in his life reminded him of you. There wasn’t a single place in his life, not a nook, not a cranny that you hadn’t left your mark. Even on nights where he felt the physical frustration of a lonely almost thirty year old man, all he could think about was your touch, your scent, your voice moaning his name. He used to feel ashamed, checking and refreshing your social media like a desperate man for any drop to relieve his thirst. Now, he could not care any less who was around when he furiously screenshot every story you post. As Jihoon packed up his laptop and haphazardly grabbed the pile of paper messily strewn across every surface surrounding him, he felt a newfound resolve steeling in his chest. He was going to fight for you, even if it was by his own hands that this relationship had wilted. He was going to fight for you, even if it took all his life. He loves you so dearly.
The following weeks felt like a blur. Jihoon had pulled every string, traded in every favor just to expedite the song he had put his entire heart and soul into. Not that it took much convincing for the label to put out another Woozi-SCoups hit, especially one he was willingly begging them to release. Jihoon knew his worth, and so did Seungcheol. They didn’t get to the position they were in by rolling over at every demand. They played his cards well and held back when they needed to. Which made this release all the more unusual, all the more special. As he shook hands with the artist that was to lend his voice to the most important love letter of his life, Jihoon felt a sickening hope rising in his chest. He had hoped with all his heart that when you listen to the song, you’d understand the love he had put in the lyrics. Yet he couldn’t deny the part of himself that was entirely sure you wouldn’t bother with listening let alone reaching out. All he could do now was wait and hope that the beautiful words he had written were enough to convey all the feelings he held for you. Even if you’d never reach out to him, he hoped that you’d at least listen to it once and feel his love.
To no one’s surprise, the song had gone straight to the top of the chart the moment it was released. His phone hadn’t stopped buzzing in excitement and so same went with his work emails. Congratulations and invitations to interviews flooded, cluttered up his notification but the one he had longed for the most never came. Even as the declaration of love he had spent so many sleepless nights and so much tears to create was being played on almost every single speaker in the country, Jihoon only felt the knots in his heart tightened further. Every trip to the local market, every late night convenience store run, the moment that familiar tune began to fill the air, Jihoon would find himself glancing up at the happy faces in the crowd. He would find himself searching for one specific smile amongst the rows of people bobbing along to his melody in the busy cafe. He searched in hope but when days turned into weeks, he grew desperate. Like a madman, he’d check your account each day… Praying, hoping for any sign that his message, his heart had been delivered to its owner. Many restless nights, Jihoon would let himself fall into his own delusions. He’d imagined you sitting on the couch of his studio with him resting his head in your lap. A bright smile on your lips as you soak in the beautiful lyrics he has written just for you, fingers carding gently through his hair. He’d fall asleep to your gentle touch and soft humming of his song. He’d give up his life just to have one more night with you. It was silly but he had even tried wishing upon a star that you’d be there the next time he’d search the crowd.
Even as he sat amongst the rowdiness of his friends in the smoky bbq restaurant celebrating yet another win, he still searched for you in the crowd. They had practically dragged him out of the house, letting him slide for the first 3 awards was enough. He had used every excuse in the book, from focusing on Soongyoung’s wedding to being busy with meetings. He knew his days were numbered and it was time to pay up. The scent of food filled the air but Jihoon found himself filling up with alcohol, sleep wasn’t the only thing evading him. Though that didn’t last long as his friends began to shove food on his plate, appetite or not they made sure he got more than just a liquid diet. Then somewhere between the 3rd round of soju and Jihoon’s new song playing over the staticky speaker for the 5th time, the mood became solemn. The severity of the first meeting after heartbreak didn't escape the group of boys. They knew this weekend would be hard for Jihoon. This weekend was the real test of this heartbreak.
“Be honest, Jihoon. Was the new song about her?” Seungcheol was the only one brave enough to broach the subject. He had been as surprised as the label when Jihoon had stumbled into his office with the biggest smile on his lips. He didn’t say much, just shoving his laptop onto Seungcheol’s desk before settling down on the office couch. In the short time it had taken Seungcheol to repeat the song twice, Jihoon had fallen asleep. And asleep he stayed while Seungcheol went right to work scheduling meetings and reaching out to anyone he could to get the song out.
“Yea…” Jihoon piped up meekly.
“Have you, you know, talked to her about it?”
“No. I don’t even know if it was right for me to release that song, let alone contacting her after all this time.” The shame he felt rising fast in his heart. This decision to release the song was entirely selfish on his part.
“You know she’s coming to the wedding. You have to talk to her sooner or later.”
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to cause a scene at-“ No sooner than the implication that he was some sort of inconvenience had left his lips, Soongyoung already up in arms protesting.
“I don’t give a shit about that. I’m worried about you, and her. You don’t just walk away from the kind of relationship you guys had and be fine.” Soonyoung slurred out, waving his chopsticks around, nearly taking Jun’s out with it.
“I’m serious, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. You guys have enough on your plates.” The more Jihoon denied, the more worried everyone got.
“Jihoon, none of us would have the career we do if it wasn’t for you and Seungcheol.” Jun never shy away from complimenting his friends and being drunk only amplified it.
“Come on, it was your own talent that got you there.”
“And what songs would we be singing?” Seokmin loudly chimed in, all the while wrestling the bottle away from Chan.
“If we didn’t have ‘Woozi and S.Coups’, we would be nothing. You guys were the one slaving away in that musty, dingy studio.” The rest of the boys nodded along to Chan’s loud sentiment. They were all sweating and slaving away but Jihoon and Seuncheol more so than anyone. “Jihoon. I’m being 100% serious about this. We’ve all talked about this. If you want to quit, we’d support you. Whatever royalties we get from the songs you produced, you get half.”
“I still love producing. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I want to quit. It’s just… it’s too much sometimes.” As thankful as he was for just how ready his friends were to give up their income to him, Jihoon knew quitting was never an option. That didn’t mean though that sometimes, sometimes he just wanted the world to pause for just a few minutes. He didn’t want to burn down everything, he just wanted everything to stop just for a short while.
“Then only write for us. Exclusively. Don’t take on anyone else! I’m serious, Jihoon. Whatever you want to do, you don’t have to do it alone. We’re here.” Once more he was reminded of how much support he had, of how far everyone would go for him.
They were right. All his boys, from day one, from when they all had to share 5 ramen packets between all 13 of them, they were always here. They lamented about just how much work Jihoon and Seungcheol had put in, fighting tooth and nail to get their friends’ names out into the world. They had worked hard and labels definitely noticed, but it was just that, Woozi and SCoups producer-genius duo. The amount of times the pair had gone into a meeting with their hearts on their sleeves only to walk away hopeless. Every label wanted their songs, their talent but none wanted their visions. And their visions were their friends. Eventually Seungcheol had managed to leverage a new up and coming label to bet on them – debut Seokmin and Seungkwan and the label would get 5 songs for free. They knew the label was desperate and they had nothing to lose. To say DxS had been a success would be saying the least. Seemingly overnight their names were being plastered over the entire city. Their songs? Being played everywhere. One by one, Jihoon and Seungcheol kept the promise they had made to their friends all those years ago, that they’d make them famous. The label never again doubted a Woozi and SCoups decision and the rest was history.
So his friends were partially right, if it wasn’t for him, if it wasn’t for Seungcheol, none of them would get where they were. Yet the part that they were wrong about was that as much as they had relied on him, he too relied on everyone else. No matter how tough a recording session would get, no matter how many times they bickered over clashing artistic visions. It didn't matter either how long they’d go without speaking, and how rough life would get… He knew they would always be there when he turned around. Just as much as they needed him, he needed them. So why did he feel like he had to do it all alone? Why did life feel so complicated just months ago when he was making the worst decision of his life? How far did he strayed away from this life he had built for himself that he forgot he had everyone in his corner? Sitting here, staring back at the faces that had been through hell and back with him, Jihoon couldn’t remember the last time he had an honest talk with them. He prided himself in being the wise friend, the one they all come to for advice. But he realized now that friendship was more than that. Communication was important and it was a two way street. For the first time in a long time, he poured his heart out to his friends.
The moment that realization hit him, Jihoon couldn’t stop. All the emotions he had held back, all the beautiful words he locked away in his heart finally came tumbling out in a mess of tears and nearly gibberish. He spoke of just how overwhelmed he was, of how pale and lackluster his love for you was in comparison to the vibrancy Soonyoung showered his partner every day. It was very apparent just how much his best friend had disagreed but he remained silent, fearing any objection would deter Jihoon from pouring his heart and soul out. Jihoon recounted just how many days you ate alone, went out alone, and slept alone. He was barely a boyfriend, he was barely a man, how could he ever expect to be a good husband for you, a good father to your future children. You deserved so much better. This was something he had never even spoken out loud, let alone admitting it to another person. His friends could no longer sit by and watch so they surrounded him in hugs, even supportive kisses. He told them of just how cruel he had been that night, that he thought it was better if you just hated him because it would be easier for you to move on. Even though he was choking on his own feelings, Jihoon felt light. Being able to let out his feelings, even if it wasn’t to you, was amazing. His friends spent the rest of dinner showering him with advice, singing his praise and for one rare moment, Jihoon simply soaked it in. This was just what he needed to face you. He finally felt brave enough to face you.
Beyond everyone’s expectation, the wedding day started off as peaceful as a full day of 13 loud boys being all in the same room could be. The chaos that usually would overwhelm even a saint was strangely therapeutic for the lovesick Jihoon. He had risen earlier than everyone else and taken his coffee on the balcony of their hotel room. It wasn’t often that his entire group of friends could all be together anymore. Between different promotion schedules, family, and staying holed up in their studios, he longed for days like this. It was strange but sometimes Jihoon missed the days where they had nothing. Just a bunch of rowdy boys with a big dream, all laughing and crying together pooling all their money together just to afford one meal. They didn’t have much but they had each other. These days even their monthly meetings would often be missing faces. It didn’t take much convincing when Soonyoung had suggested they all share one suite at the hotel the night before the wedding for old time sake. They all nearly piled on top of each other to sleep but it felt amazing. For once, Jihoon felt rested. For once, you didn’t occupy his every waking and sleeping thought. As the sun slowly rose above the clear blue sky, the boys too began shuffling out into the living room to enjoy the slow of a good morning. As the clock ticked by, the room grew busy. Photographer and planner, bridesmaids zipping in and out of the room just to check that Soonyoung hadn’t worked himself up into a blissful fit and faint. Jihoon found himself lost within the current of the day, pictures after pictures, first look then even more pictures. Soon enough he found himself along with the rest of the boys smiling and waving at the crowd slowly piling in for the ceremony.
“If I told you she’s coming alone, would that lessen your worries?” Soonyoung whispered softly when he saw the strained smile on his best friend’s lips as he watched the guests filling up the rows of chairs.
“What..” Jihoon had been busying himself with greeting guests, jaws nearly falling off from smiling for hours straight and hands sore from the endless shaking.
“Y/n, she’s coming alone…” Soongyoung whispered, a teasing wink and an elbow nudging his arm was the last thing Jihoon felt before Soonyoung once more disappeared at the beckoning of the wedding planner.
He was left standing there stunned, though the kaleidoscope of butterflies in his stomach already fluttering their ways to his heart the moment your name was mentioned. He tried not to but he couldn’t help but smile a little brighter at the fact that you were coming alone. The moment he had broken your heart, Jihoon knew one day he’d have to face his worst fear. He knew one day he’d have to watch another man live the life he had so desperately yearned for. To be your husband, to have a family with you was all Jihoon wanted in life at the end of the day. All these other hardships, all the mud he had to wade through to get there, none of that matter if you were happy. The walk to your apartment that night was the longest walk he had ever taken. Every step felt like his feet were encased in cement and the sound of your laughter was slowly chipping away at his commitment. Every step felt like another piece of him was being sliced off by the blade of life. He was unsure, his heart was beating a thousand miles an hour. Jihoon circled your building nearly 10 times before he finally steeled his nerve enough to face you. He knew he had to do it fast, had to because the moment you begin to cry he would abandon every resolve he had made. With the wedding looming, he knew the day he lost you again, forever, was also impending. Even though nothing was certain, Jihoon knew he had to try if he was to ever hope to make up for all the pain he had put you through. There wasn’t much time to dwell on the past before he too was whisked away into the line up for the ceremony.
Jihoon stared down at the crowd just as he had before, nostalgia drowning him in its waves. He couldn’t help but let himself be pulled back to the first ever wedding you had attended with him. It had been Joshua’s wedding. You had been as bright as a tomato in summer when the group of rowdy groomsmen, and groom, cheered loudly when you had snuck Jihoon a kiss before parting ways to take your seat at the ceremony. Although Jihoon was sad he had to leave you for the entire hour it took for the ceremony and family pictures to conclude, he couldn’t help but smile every time he looked down at the crowd to see you already beaming up at him. The overwhelming mix of emotions was beyond anything he had ever felt before. He was so happy, so warm and cozy, so in love that his heart nearly couldn’t take it. If it wasn’t for the super important job of looking handsome in front of the entire crowd, Jihoon was sure he could pass out from the rush of dopamine right then and there. Not even when he had won his first ever award did he experience this kind of fulfillness, of happiness. You were so pretty and in his eyes, there was a spotlight from heaven shining on you, and you alone. From that very moment, Jihoon knew that you’d be the one he’ll come home to for the rest of his life. Strange the way life had turned out as he once more stood in front of all his friends looking back down at the crowd. Except this time that spotlight from heaven and the beautiful smile he had been searching for months were nowhere to be found. Jihoon held himself together, smiled when he needed to, and handed over the ring at the perfect moment, but deep down his heart was in anguish. He scanned the crowd again and again, looking for any sign that you had snuck in after the entrance to avoid him. But just as he searched aimlessly through the crowds every day since your song was released, he was hopeless. You weren’t coming. There was no denying the stinging in his heart that only worsened as the ceremony was coming to an end. This wasn’t like you. He had seen you gone out of your way to help friends and loved ones, always putting everyone else’s needs above your own. Jihoon couldn’t fathom what could have happened that you’d miss Soonyoung’s wedding, not after you had told him you were coming. The rush of emotions he was feeling was one he had never felt before but unlike the happier past, this time it was something sickening. Jihoon was dizzy, faces beginning to blur into one big mess of static. Jihoon rushed toward a far corner of the bustling patio, steadying himself against the wall before he collapsed out of the sheer pressure of his bleeding heart. For once he was glad for the noisy chaos of a party as he spiralled into his own insecurities. Jihoon couldn’t help but feel like it was all his fault that you weren’t here, all his fault that you were isolated from all your friends.
“Come on, Jihoon. I think we’re beyond the point of drinking old, warm beer.” Mingyu’s voice tore him away from the ear piercing echoing of the horrible words he had said to you that night. Jihoon looked up to see his tall friend sauntering over, snatching the bottle that he had been nursing for the past 45 minutes right out of his clammy hand.
“Oh. I didn’t even realize.” Jihoon nodded, thanking his friends for the cocktail that was just roughly shoved into his hand although he wasn’t sure if more alcohol was what he needed this second.
“Why are you hiding in the corner? You should be out there having fun.” Mingyu nudged his drink against Jihoon’s glass as they toasted a busy Soonyoung spinning at light speed to greet all his friends and families.
“Is it that obvious? Sorry…” The look in Mingyu’s eyes was all the answer he needed.
“Nah, what do you have to be sorry for?” An obvious lie as Mingyu forced himself to look away from his friend pale and cold as if he had just seen a ghost. "I just thought you’d be stalking Y/n by now… Not lurking in a random corner.”
“She’s not here. I think it’s my fault… Honestly, I don’t blame her.”
“What are you talking about?” Mingyu raised his drink to greet someone in the distance, his nonchalant nature was beginning to bother Jihoon but he himself wasn’t even sure why. Was he the only one wholeheartedly concerned that you were missing from the celebration of one of your closest friends? Was no one else worried but him?
“I didn’t see her at the ceremony. I doubt she’d come to the reception. Probably didn’t want to make it worse for me.”
“Uh, Jihoon… She was here.” To say Mingyu was confused was to say the least. He was entirely sure he hadn’t dreamt up winking at you the moment he had made eye contact as he made his way down the aisle. He was entirely sure too that he had almost broken all your bones in the bear hug that lasted far too long just 5 minutes ago. “Unless I almost suffocated her twin out there with my hug in the foyer, then she’s definitely here.”
“What?” Jihoon wasn’t even sure if he was hearing the words vomiting from Mingyu’s mouth correctly.
“Yea, I’m pretty sure it was her… She doesn’t have a twin right? Right?” Before Mingyu could go on another rant, Jihoon was already rushing off.
His feet had carried him off toward the person that still possessed his heart after all this time even before his mind could process what he had just heard. You were here. He didn’t know what to say, what to do, or if you even wanted to see him… But he didn’t know what else to do. For once, he let his heart decide because he tried being logical, he really tried listening reasoning but all that got him was a broken heart. All he knew was, you were here. The moment he walked into the foyer, his eyes searched for you immediately. It was intentional, and it was desperate. Even through the music and the noisy chatter, he could pin point your sweet laughter as if it was the only sound that existed. Jihoon thought he was brave enough for this, for you… but the moment he saw you bending over in laughter, he felt all his nerves failing. You were so beautiful in that dress he had mentioned he loved. Did you wear it just for him? Just for a second, Jihoon let himself get lost in the thought that you had dressed up just to see him. Your smile was just as bright as he remembered and it hurt that you weren’t smiling for him. He considered for a second to just leave, to abandon this reckless plan of his. Especially when Soonyoung and his new spouse had just gotten whisk away for another picture, he could so clearly see the twinge of melancholy dulling the sparkles in your eyes. Jihoon was suddenly reminded of why he wasn't sitting right next to you, why it wasn’t him you were laughing with, why there was a sadness in your eyes. He stood there staring at you, longing for you, wondering if he had any right to walk back into your life like this let alone fight for something he had ruined.
Jihoon was frozen, memories of better days came rushing back like shackles holding him in place. He thought of the first time he officially brought you to his friend group, how everyone had nudged each other with matching sly smiles. He had shushed them out of embarrassment, out of fear of scaring you off but deep down he was elated that they were happy to meet you. Jeonghan had confessed later on that night when you were long gone that they all knew you were the one. It wasn’t often that he’d bring anyone around, especially not someone that they could so very easily tell had his entire heart and soul. Jihoon felt himself going redder than a tomato, body radiating heat and it wasn’t because of the many soju bottles he had down that night. He shyly asked how his older friend knew. Jun had chuckled and said simply, “your smile, and how you couldn’t let go of her hand the entire night.” If he was red before, he was glowing white like a burning star at this point from happiness. Then Minghao joked that it was almost disgusting the way you both had stared at each other so lovingly as if the rest of the group wasn’t sitting right there, as if you both were the only soul in the entire city. Just like that you fit right into his chaotic little group, like a piece of puzzle they didn’t know they were missing.
Standing here now, watching as you sway slightly to the music, Jihoon was mesmerized. He too, unknowingly, began to move to the music. As you gazed up at the crowd mingling and chatting away, Jihoon tucked himself behind a column and once more felt truly like a creep preying on you. He hated himself, hated that he was the reason you were alone, hated that he had made you cry, hated that he was the one to chase you away. Then the strange mixture of self pity and complete, utter infatuation for you turned into fear, into anger. He watched as a guy he couldn’t recognize got right into your face. Jihoon couldn’t hear what was said but he knew it was nothing good by the way your face twisted in discomfort. The moment he could see your eyes searching the room for any familiar face, Jihoon bubbled up with anger. He should be the one to protect you from the prying eyes of the world. He should be the one you turn to the moment you feel uncomfortable. Yet all he could do was stand here and watch helplessly, wondering if you still want him to whisk you away into the night away from the cruel world. Heat began to radiate through his entire body as he watched you flinched away when the guy ran his finger up your bare arm with a greasy smile. Fists balling up till his knuckles go white, a million thoughts ran through his mind but once more his body already began to move without command. It didn’t matter what the result of this would be, it didn’t matter if you’d be angry at him for barging back into your life, he would never risk your safety. Then he saw the perfect solution, the only few people in this room that he would entrust his life to. Before he could even decide if this was wholeheartedly crossing the line or not, he already grabbed Seungcheol by the arms and whispered for him to come to your rescue. Jihoon stepped back, relaxing only when he witnessed the terror in the guy’s face when the older man stepped in between to shield you. He breathed a sigh of relief, as eyes once more wandered back to you. He smiled a bit at the way your own smile brightened up at the sight of a familiar face. Although it stung seeing you hugged his friend so intimately when that was all he wanted for months. Jihoon swore your hugs had magic in them with the way his life could literally be falling apart and the moment he was in your arms, everything would be right with the world. He knew his time was running out. Soon enough that fateful first meeting would break his heart all over again. So for now, he settled back in the far corner of the room and memorized every single one of your details. Then Seongcheol whispered something into your ear and the next second your eyes shot up as if a car crash had just played out in front of you. You caught him.
Jihoon hadn’t meant to rush off the way he did, not especially when you had done nothing to deserve the way he was acting. He felt like such a fucking loser staring at you, damn near oggling really… Then running away like this. What else could he do but run when the sad reality he had created was coming back to write him a check. He didn’t mean to shamelessly stare at you the way he did, as if you were some long lost holy grail he had just unearthed but he couldn’t help it. His friends had warned him that it was going to be hard, the first time he saw you again that is. Nothing, and he meant that, nothing could’ve prepared him for the moment he saw you looked up at him. Nothing could’ve prepared him watching you being flirted with by other men and the jealousy that he knew he had no right to feel. He was always secure in his relationship with you. Every time he had seen a guy walk up to you with a cocky smirk on his lips thinking he was going to get lucky, Jihoon would just sit back and enjoy the show. He knew you could handle yourself and he knew you were his. Without fail when the guy would awkwardly traipse away in defeat and you’d look his way, Jihoon would already be staring right at you with an allknowing, shiteating grin. Though once in a while, when he was feeling particularly possessive for no reason, Jihoon would saunter over and put his arm around your waist without a word. You would immediately catch on, pressing a kiss to his cheek before walking off in his arm with the biggest smile on your lips. Nothing, and he meant nothing, could ever prepare him for the day where he knew he was no longer a factor in this cat and mouse game of love. His feet had carried him off, fearing he had just ruined what little worth he had left in your eyes. His cheeks hurt. Perhaps from the cold air whipping his rosy skin, perhaps from the freshly fallen tears burning their way down his cheeks. Jihoon found a spot where no one in their right mind would wander out to in this weather and settled onto a bench. He pulled out the tiny picture of you he still kept in his wallet, feeling the weight of the world on his shivering shoulders. He let himself quietly sob as his finger traced the worn out lines of your face.
He really lost you.
And although he knew he had no one to blame but himself, Jihoon couldn’t help but be angry. Angry at the way life had turned out, angry at the world. A heavy sigh left his lips as he stared up at the sky seemingly beginning to cry alongside his weary heart. He had no right. He lost all his privileges. It was all his doing. Would you hate him if he ran back to you now? He didn’t care how embarrassing, how much of a loser he would look running back to you with his tail tucked between his legs. Jihoon knew you would never judge him, you never did. Even when he was disgusted with himself and lashed out at everyone, you’d just hold him as if he was the most precious thing in the world. Yet it was wholeheartedly disrespectful to you and he could never do that to you. As the rain drops grew heavier, Jihoon resigned to dying in this spot he had settled in, self pity drowning him in its viscous waves. He thought he reached rock bottom the moment he walked out of your apartment but now, finally accepting that you were gone, Jihoon felt as if he had just been sucked into a black hole of pain. Just when he thought there was no way out, warmth emanated through his entire body as a gentle hold on his arm pulled him back to reality. You were there, right beside him. You had motioned for him to get up and his body immediately followed your command as if it had been waiting for this moment. Before he could even resist, you had pulled him by the sleeve of his jacket into the gazebo just a little way beyond the garden. You said nothing and settled beside him, though a painful distance away. Jihoon sat there, courage depleting as he stared at the heavy rain pattering against the wooden roof of the gazebo. He couldn’t bear looking at you, not in the state that he was in. He couldn’t bear looking at you because he had lost that right a long time ago.
“Congratulations on your new song…” you were first to break the unbearable silence though your voice was barely there, quiet and so unlike the sweet tone he remembered. “Sorry I’m saying it so late. You won what, like 5 awards for it now?” A soft chuckle tickled his senses as he marveled at you. When was the last time he had heard you laugh, albeit sounding very foreign and restrained this very moment. You loved to laugh with him, you had said as much by the second week of dating. You loved it because you adored the way he laughs so freely and heartily that no matter how bad of a day you had, you’d always immediately followed suit. Hearing your soft chuckle now, it was almost as if someone had put your laughter in a glass cage. He didn’t like that.
“Thank you.” It pained him to feel so awkward around you. He still remembered the first time one of his songs hit the top 10. You had practically shouted to the world about your amazing boyfriend and his mindblowing talent. Your neighbors probably didn’t appreciate the ruckus you had made the entire week when it finally reached number one on the chart. “A-and don’t be sorry…” You nodded, eyes staring off into the distance and Jihoon wanted nothing more but to guide your gaze back to him. He was desperate for your attention yet the moment he caught sight of his crooked tie, dishevelled clothes, and no doubt messy hair, he was glad he wasn’t the subject of your study.
“Did you like it?” It has been nearly 5 minutes now. Your eyes were still everywhere but on him, a kind smile on your lips as if you were recalling the better days. Maybe you were humming his song in your head… He was allowed to be delusional right?
“Oh… Yea, it’s a great song.” You choked out, almost as if you hadn’t expected him to ask for your opinion. Though there was no hiding that glint sparkling in your eyes when he did. You were studying a little frog that had hopped onto the railing, eyes watching the way the little thing was enjoying the refreshing rain.
“It’s okay if you don’t like it…” He softly sighed, head hanging low fearing he was no longer important enough for you to give your honest opinion. That was the thing he loved a lot about you. While some people would praise him endlessly, even when he felt like everything coming out of his mouth was nothing but hot garbage. Even when the world became hateful, you were always kind with your words, reminding him that even Van Gogh had his haters. Though that didn’t mean you weren’t honest. There was something about the way you’d sit in silence after he had showed you a new track he worked on, almost as if you were letting the lyrics, the music soaking into your skin. He loved the way sometimes you’d ask him for time, to let you be one with the music before giving him your thoughts. He knew every time it happened that he was about to get the best release of his life.
“I can show you my music app if you want to check the stat” Your smile was a bit brighter now, maybe a bit cheekier, a bit more familiar? You were already reaching for your phone, teasingly unlocking and scrolling through your apps. He just laughed. Laughed because you were opening up to him. But also laughed because when his eyes had met your screen, a wave of disappointment reeled him back into darkness. He knew he had no right to expect you to still have him as your background, but it helped not the hurt that he was no longer your background. He felt empty.
“It’s okay. I believe you.” He was chuckling slightly alongside you now, doing his best to hide the sadness threatening to spill all his secrets. “Y/n…” He tested gently, letting your name fall from his lips as it had millions of times before but it felt foreign, almost like you were a scared bunny and one wrong move would send you running off into forever.
“Hmm?” You hummed gently, eyes were back toward the sky. No doubt anywhere was better than looking at him now. You didn’t look angry, or sad… Just at peace. That made Jihoon terrified. It made him realize that you were okay without him, that you didn’t need him.
“It’s about you… the song, I mean. I wrote it for you.” Jihoon thought you’d have gotten whiplash by the way your head snapped toward him. For just a microsecond he could see a flash of happiness in your features, in the way the corner of your lips curled up ever so slightly as if he had just confirmed your deepest question. Yet just as fast as it had appeared, it was replaced with a sad downturn. A million emotions were washing over your soft features in a short amount of time, like you were trying to decide which you should settle on. “It’s everything I wanted to say but couldn’t figure out how to say out loud.”
“Woozi…” You said his name, it was soft and warm like how you used to call out to him… but it wasn’t his name you were calling, it wasn’t Jihoon. The first time you had said his name since the breakup… You chose to call him by his producer name. He felt like a stranger in your life, as if he was just a famous producer and you, just a fan. He finally broke. There was no helping the strangled sob clawing its way out of his throat, like a dying animal gasping for the last breath of air. He saw panic in your eyes and the way your finger twitched as if debating whether you should reach out to touch him. He shook his head then lowered it, not giving any fuck that his tears were flowing freely. He must look so pathetic now in front of you.
“I messed up… bad. I know there’s nothing I can do or say that will ever justify what I did to you. Even releasing this song was hugely selfish on my part. I don’t expect you to accept it or to forgive me.” His eyes met yours, a sad smile vexed on his lips as he recalled the excitement that used to be on your face whenever he’d dedicate a song to you. It was so far from reality at this very moment. “I found myself calling out to you when I finished a song I’m proud of. I still save my new beats onto the little pink USB with your name on it to show you when I get home. I’m spiraling, Y/n. I know this isn’t your fault and you’re not obligated to help me or fix this… but I just can’t go another day without letting you know the song is about you…I debated so long if I should even approach you. I wanted to give you a real apology and an explanation but no matter how much time I spent thinking about it, even that felt selfish.” It was almost as if all the things he didn’t say the day he left had built up in his chest and this was the moment they finally exploded. He knew this was messed up. He knew he had no right to barge into your life and gave you a long self pity speech but he couldn’t help it. Even this urge to explain everything, to apologize just felt like a huge disservice to the unconditional love you had given him. It felt like he was only apologizing to make himself feel better because in all senses of the world, Jihoon still believed you were better off without him. Against his better judgement, even if you hate him after this… Jihoon had to let you know just how much he still loves you. The longing for your touch, for your warmth, for your love had never changed. It was as strong as the day he fell in love with you. It had taken all of him to walk away from you that day. If you knew he had collapsed in the stairwell of your apartment after he had walked out, would you pity him? His yearning for you only grew stronger with each day passing and it fucking hurt to see that perhaps it was the opposite for you. As he was growing weaker without you, you were growing stronger without him. You sat there staring at him with an indecipherable look in your eyes. With each second passing by, Jihoon felt like you were slipping a bit further away from his grasp.
“Why?” When you finally spoke up, it wasn’t love but it wasn’t quite anger either. There was something soft around the edges, something Jihoon thought was pity but when you had looked up at him… He realized it was sadness. “Why did you leave me only to be worse off than you had been, hmm? If you’re going to break my heart, then at least live your life to the fullest and be happy, not make me worry about you.” Your words were heavy but it was far from the beratement he was expecting. He had expected anger, maybe even pity, but this genuine sadness was something Jihoon didn’t know how to accept. Even when he had broken your heart, you were still concerned about him.
“I thought I was being too selfish… I couldn’t give you time like a normal boyfriend could. My work hours are all messed up. I was gone for days at a time every time a deadline would come. I was barely functioning as a human being, let alone be someone you could depend on. You sacrificed so much to make my life easier and I gave you almost nothing back. It wasn’t fair to you, I wasn’t being fair to you.” These were the things he had wanted to tell you that night. When he saw you stumbling back and crashing onto the couch when he had uttered those hurtful words, he wanted to break down. He hadn’t broken up with you because he stopped loving you. He broke up with you because he thought you deserved better, much more than what he could give you. “I was barely a boyfriend to you. How could I ever hope to be a good husband to you if I couldn’t even be there for you as a boyfriend. Hell, Y/n, I missed your birthday party because of a deadline. You deserve the world and all I did was take advantage of your love.”
“Did I ever complain? I understand your job and your commitment to your passion. It wasn’t like you weren’t a producer when I accepted to be your girlfriend or that things had changed.” You inched closer, a bit more resolved than you had been when he first began his heartfelt confession… Though it still wasn’t enough for you to reach out to his hand.
“But that’s the thing, love. You never did but you should have. You understand me too well and accept me too much to ever complain. But that wasn’t right. You deserved a lot more than a guy that was practically married to his job. You deserved someone who could give you everything.” He let his head fall into his hands, he couldn’t bear looking at you. He was so shameful.
“So, what? You did me a favor, is that it?” For the first time since you sat down with him, Jihoon could feel a touch of sharpness at the edge of your soft voice. “Did me a solid so I can hop on along to the next guy?” The little bite in the way you had said that cut deep. The implication that he had set you up for the next guy hurt far worse than anything else had been this evening. He never wanted to see you with anyone else.
“No… no, sweetheart, don’t say that…” Jihoon was panicking. It felt like this conversation was slowly beginning to spiral out of his control and any second now you’d storm off. How he wished he could take everything back this very second sitting here watching once more as your emotions unraveled. It reminded him too much of the day he walked away from you. “I just, I kept thinking, I’m barely here for you now. Then when we get married, have kids, what good am I if I can’t even be there to support you. What good am I if I can’t even be there for our kids? I kept thinking about all those nights you spent alone and about our future. I don’t want to be a failure as a husband, as a dad. I don’t want you to live like a single mom with a shit husband.” Jihoon exasperated though his heart felt light. This was the first time he had said his worst fear out loud.
“Jihoon… You don’t know that. You never even gave yourself the chance to show the world how amazing you could be as a husband, as a dad.” There it was. You said his name. It was firm, but there was no denying the love still behind it. “ I committed myself to you. That meant I committed myself to your life, to your job, to your passion. If I wasn’t okay with that, I would have left myself. Did you forget we were good friends before ‘us’ became a thing? I know how you get when you work. Tunnel vision and one track mind. Did you forget how many times your friends called me to drag you out of your studio to eat and sleep and not work yourself to death?”
“I know…”
“You left me without a reason. I thought I was the worst girlfriend in the world, Jihoon… Days, days I laid there questioning what I did wrong, how could I have missed all the signs. One second we were making plans to go on a trip. The next you left without a single reason beside you didn’t love me anymore… Someday I got so angry at myself, angry that I forgot how you like to take your coffee, how you liked your egg. Other days I felt nothing but panic because I suddenly couldn’t think of what your voice sounded like when you said my name…” The reminder of how cruel he had been to you that night came crashing back, souring in his throat like the morning after a night full of bad decisions. “All the reasons you made up to leave me behind, all those beautiful thoughts and lyrics you had in your brain… You never once thought just to ask me if I was happy?”
Jihoon wasn’t one to show his emotion often but this very second, everything he had felt, all the emotions he had in his body was being unleashed in full sobs. He had ruined his life on the account of one overcomplicated thought that devolved into a whole string of overcomplicated justification. Not just that… He ruined your life. If there was a way he could go back in time, he’d just hug you tighter, you were the lifeline he needed in this tumultuous stream of life.
“Am I an idiot to you, Jihoon? I thought you knew me better than that. Am I the kind of person to sit there and take abuse without saying a word? Am I so difficult that you can’t come to me when you’re hurt?” You were exasperated and he didn’t know how to stop it. Oh God, he didn’t know how to comfort you anymore… that wasn’t a thought Jihoon had until this very moment. He always knew exactly what to do to comfort you… Not anymore.
“No, love, never… I just, I thought you loved me too much to fight for yourself and to hurt me.” What he would give to go back to that night. What he would do to just break down in your arms and cry it out instead of hurting you like this. Why didn’t he just talk to you? A million why and what ifs were running through his mind but none of them matter.
“Lee Jihoon, you literally come to me for advice on your songs… I know nothing about music or producing… What? Do you think I can’t give you constructive thoughts on our relationship, on the thing I’m quite literally one half of?” Your fingers finally made contact with his skin and it burned like a dying star. You were so warm, so beautiful right before his blurring eyes. Your hand, so gentle against the coldness of his cheek, thumb gently wiping away the tears still falling. He couldn’t help but smile at the way your voice had softened, how you were so close he could nose at your perfume, the same one he had gotten you on the last business trip. It didn’t escape him either the way your voice was so gentle now when you said his name, his real name… And that you had no objection to him calling you his love. The solace he found in your smile, just one simple touch was beyond anything he had tried the last 6 months. No matter what happened, at the end of the day, you were still his comfort and home. “Why didn’t you just talk to me?”
“I was so far in my head that I just couldn’t see a way out. You were always so patient with me. Even when I would just disappear for days, you never once made me feel guilty about chasing my dream. I don’t think I’ve never thanked you enough for that. Sometimes I look at you and it’s like, I can’t even fathom how lucky I was. But then sometimes too when I listen to our friends talk about how their spouses were always there for them, even just for the little things daily… I felt so sad. I thought of all the nights that you’d go to bed alone because I was too busy. All the weekends all I could do was video call you instead of being there. It consumed me and all I could think about was how I’ve never given you anything brag worthy. I don’t have many people in my life that truly give me their unconditional love and care but you do. You always supported me even when I’m a cranky asshole and I’ve given you nothing.”
“That’s not true. I’ve bragged about you any chance I got. If anything, I thought I didn’t do it enough. I just don’t do it in front of you because you hate the attention. And I knew you always thought of me, even when we’re apart. Do you know how many paragraphs and pictures I sent to my girl group chat about the silly little things you used to send me daily? The house is so boring now without the little random noises you make. Home doesn’t even feel like home anymore. Sometimes I just sit in silence, close my eyes, and hope I can hear you sing little jingles about the random things you’re doing.” A mirthless laugh left his lips. How idiotic he had been. Jihoon had been focusing so much on the big picture and the distant future that he forgot to let himself enjoy the little daily things. “You didn't lose me because you weren’t enough or that we weren’t in love. You lost me because you made the choices for me. I never got to choose. Love isn’t some grand self sacrifice thing. It’s all the little things we do for each other daily that build up to a lifetime of happiness. We were supposed to work on it together. Shit… I thought you were going to propose on the trip we were planning…“
Your touches had been so familiar, so comforting that for a little while Jihoon forgot he was no longer yours. For a little while it had felt like one of those nights where his spirit had left this world and you would just spend hours hugging him, loving on him. The sudden reminder that he lost you when he was so close to being your forever, all because of his own stupidity nearly killed him. He didn’t know what else to do but to stare at you. For the first time since you closed the gap between your body, Jihoon found the courage to reach out to you. He held your hand against his cheeks, fingers gripping onto your hand so harshly that it was beginning to dig into your skin. He wholeheartedly believed that if he let go now, you’d disappear again. How was he ever going to make it up to you? If he had just taken that trip, you’d be his wife, his forever.
“I’m sorry…” For a long while all he could mutter was apologies, endlessly and desperately. He didn’t know what else to do but cry and apologize even if he knew he was never going to be enough. “I’m so sorry. I have no right barging back into your life like this. I should leave…” It took everything in him to let go of your hand, to pull away from your touch. Jihoon had begun to get up when he felt your hand so delicately wrapping around his wrist. He wasn’t proud of it but all his resolve failed the moment he felt your touch and heard you calling his name so fondly.
“Jihoon… just, sit. For a second.” He wasn’t even embarrassed at how fast he relented the moment you gave him just the smallest bit of affection. This was exactly what he had been wishing for the moment he walked out from your life, for you to pull him back. “Thank you for rescuing me. Cheollie told me you asked him to go punch that guy.” You chuckled and Jihoon surmised it was because you knew it hadn’t gotten to that point only because Seungcheol has far more restraint than he did. It wasn’t often that Jihoon got jealous to the point of overprotectiveness, but when he did, it was glaringly obvious.
“I wanted to… But I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to…” His doubts were quiet the second he saw you smiled, eyes studying the shyness playing on his features. “If I’m being honest, It felt strange, hurt to see someone else have your attention. I know I don’t have the right anymore but I can’t help but have these feelings.”
“I know… I appreciate it all the same.”
The next moment was just as quiet as it had been when you first pulled him into this gazebo. You both sat there, staring at the rain and listening to the little orchestra of noises nature was putting on seemingly just for you and him. It had been a long time since he was able to just sit and listen to the world passing by with you, long before the breakup. Yet there was something warmer, something cozy as he felt you leaning on him. It wasn’t the bear hug you used to tug him into, it wasn’t the comforting hold he’d have around you as he stared into your eyes. It was simply just innocent shoulder touching shoulder, body just barely close enough to share warmth but it was so, so intimate. The silence shared was slow and content. For the first time in a long time Jihoon wanted to live in the moment, he wasn’t fearful of how slow the world was moving.
“So where does this leave us…” Though you were so close he could feel your soft skin warmed against his own, Jihoon wasn’t delusional. He knew that this wasn’t some magical meeting of the souls that would fix all the things he messed up. It was nowhere near solved either but there was a deeper understanding that he had hoped for the moment he walked away from your life. He knew things between you and him were far from healed but he had to try. He knew you weren’t coming home with him tonight or that he’d be in your arms tomorrow morning. Yet, hell would freeze over before he let you walk out of his life completely again, as selfish as that was.
“I don’t know…” You sighed. He could tell you were still hurt by the way you looked at him. He was there, physically there in front of you yet there was a longing in your eyes as if he was just a ghost, like you were looking for someone from your past. Your smile didn’t quite reach your eyes and your voice wasn’t as carefree. “I honestly almost chickened out… I had forgotten about the wedding and you as the best man. When I saw the invitation, I just, I didn’t know if I was brave enough to smile in front of you. If I’m being honest, I didn’t know if I was brave enough to see you with someone else.” A soft, nervous chuckle lost to the wind thought it didn’t escape his keen senses. He found your little confession endearing, warming even at the thought that he wasn’t the only one feeling jealous. Jihoon wanted so desperately to sit here for the rest of the night and listen to you talk.
“I’m glad you decided to come. I was really afraid you wouldn’t because of me.”
“You know what’s funny… I still listened to your song a lot. Not the official version, not at home anyways. I’d come home and put on the demos you sent me just to hear your voice. Sometimes it makes me feel like you’re still here. When I heard the new song, part of me was convinced it was some crazy message you wanted me to hear. But mostly, I just told myself I was delusional.” You laughed a little at the mention of how deluded you had been. If only you knew how far deep into his own delusion Jihoon had been. He wondered if you’d call him crazy if you ever found out.
“You weren’t, love. It’s for you, just you.” Courage like lightning striking his heart as he reached out for your hands, cold and pale from the wind still very much howling. You didn’t flinch away from him, in fact you let him hold your hands and let his fingers slowly petting warmth back to your skin. Jihoon shed the jacket still damp from the rain yet it’s infinitely better than leaving your bare shoulders shivering in the cold. He drapes it over your body, happy that you tuck yourself into the broadness of his jacket. What made him soar high in the sky was the fact that you let his hands return to yours. “There’s nothing I can do that would ever be enough to make up for what I did… Hate me, hit me, be angry at me. I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve another chance but please don’t give up on me.”
“I don’t hate you, Jihoon. I could never hate you. I’m just hurt and confused.” You sighed once more, eyes were studying his sweet features and pale skin. For a moment your eyes settled on his lips and Jihoon was happy, even if he knew there was no chance you’d kiss him. Just knowing you still wanted to was enough for tonight.
“I know it’s insanely selfish of me to ask, but give me one more chance?” Hands clasping yours tightly in his, a newfound braveness coursed through his veins as he soaked in your presence. “Let me prove to you I can still be the person you can depend on… And if a week from now, a month, a year, whatever it may be when you realize you don’t want me around, I’ll leave.”
Your head tilted as you pondered his question and suddenly Jihoon felt himself thrusted back in the stream of memories. The sparkles in your eyes, the way you were studying his expression was very much the same one he had seen hundreds of times before. It was the look you’d have whenever he’d ask for your opinion on a new song, when you were mulling over the lyrics and beats. For just a moment, Jihoon let himself pretend that you were listening to a new song, to a new beat.
“Hmm… How about you start by explaining the song to me and we’ll see where things go from there?” After what had felt like an eternity, not that he was complaining, you finally spoke up with the softest smile and he felt his heart bursting out of his chest.
“Yea? You’d want me to do that?”
“Yea. I think I’d much prefer listening to it the way you intended me to.”
“Come to my studio tomorrow? I can show you how I made the song and answer any question you have… Just like old times.” The mention of old times seemed to perk up your mood, though you were very much holding yourself back from reacting. Jihoon didn’t miss the way you bit your lips to stop a smile.
“Are you sure tomorrow is a good idea…” your voice droned off and the fear that he had crossed too far into your boundaries once more rattling his bones. Yet when he looked back at you, suddenly all the exhaustion of the long chaotic day was washed away. You were smiling so playfully that for a moment Jihoon forgot this meeting might make or break his entire future. “You really think Soonyoung will let you leave the wedding standing up right? If he’s going down tonight, all 12 of you are going down with him.”
“Fuck… I forgot about that. You think I can bribe the bartender to give me fake water shots?” Just thinking about the hangover already had Jihoon gagging, head spinning.
“No chance, best man.” You quipped with a gentle punch to his bicep. Jihoon was reminded of the time he was barely pursuing you, praying every night that you’d reciprocate his feelings. Seungcheol had reassured him a hundred times over that you don’t just joke and tease any regular guy the way you did with him. Yet he was so infatuated he had convinced himself otherwise, even when you practically fell into his lap after he had made a corny dad joke. Jihoon feigned falling over, dramatic sighs leaving his lips but he really was dreading the long night to come, mostly because he really wanted to be there for you tomorrow. When silence had once more settled in, he just stared at you in awe. How you seemingly just fit right back into his life as if no time had passed, as if no hearts were broken.
“Do you have the demo for it? I’d rather listen to it through your voice.” He should’ve expected you to ask for his demo yet it took him by surprise all the same. After all you had expressed endlessly that all of his songs were much better being sung by his “heavenly voice”. Although he had always thought you were just biased. “Maybe I can just listen to it tomorrow if you’re too tired.”
“We can listen to it together, only if you want to, that is. Or I can send it right now if you’d like? Whatever you want!” He meant it. If you ask for it, he’d perform his whole damn discography for you right this second. Jihoon felt light seeing you smile, shaking your head slightly at how dramatic he had become. Yet when your smile mellowed to something somber, Jihoon once more felt fear rising in his chest. Did you change your mind?
“Jihoon, you have to know, I can’t promise you anything…I love you still, just as I had every single day for the last five years. But the pain I went through, it’s not something I can just easily forget.” You reached to straighten his tie, something he didn’t even realize he could miss. It felt so familiar, so intimate that Jihoon was reminded once more of how much love you gave him in the little things you did for him silently. You loved him through every warm meal you made. You loved him through all the time you shoved charger cables into his carry on bag knowing he always forgot. You loved him through the little sticky notes filled with reminders and tiny encouraging words. You loved him through every cup of coffee you’d quietly ordered to be delivered to his studio. You loved him so much.
“I understand... All I can ask for is just one more chance to prove myself worthy of you.” He tried to reassure you but the melancholic smile on your lips was now a full pout. He loved the way you pouted at him. He never let on but it drove him nuts every time you’d pout when you didn’t get your way. So many times he considered saying no just to see it, but in the end he never could bring himself to actually do it. He never thought he’d see it again, especially not after watching you sobbed out in pain as he walked out of your life.
“You were always worthy regardless of me, Jihoon. Don’t think less of yourself.”
“Love…” He knew he was pushing it. Just to have this conversation was already far beyond what he had imagined of your first meeting. But that was how he decided he’d be with you now, Jihoon will always be selfish when it comes to you. “Could I hug you?” He stared at the ground, far too fearful to even look at you in the eyes as he breached carefully over the wall he had helped you build up. The silence was unbearable. Jihoon felt as though he had just ruined all the progress he had made with you tonight. The fear of rejection was beginning to rattle his bones. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. You don’t-” He had begun to apologize again when he felt it, your warmth, your scent, your arms around him. You had one hand on the broadness of his back, gently patting him as you had thousands times before when he needed comforting. Your other hand gently stroking through his hair. Jihoon felt his heart leapt out of his chest because he never thought the night would end with him in your hold.
“Your hair got so long… Last time I saw you it was all buzzed off, and pink!”
“I miss you so much.” Jihoon greedily wrapped his arms around your waist, tugging you so tightly into his body that you were nearly on his lap. When he felt you laughed as he snuggled into the crook of your neck, Jihoon wanted nothing more than to stay here forever. He was only emboldened further when he heard you mumble a soft “I miss you too” into his hair.
“Hmm, I remembered you saying you wanted to see me with long hair.” It was a detail that had come to him a month after the breakup when he found himself missing you. He had been looking through old photos when he remembered you digging through his old photo albums, sneakily stealing quite a few but he just pretended not to see. You had spent the good part of the hour flipping through pages so he quietly returned to his work. He was deep in his thoughts when a loud yelp nearly sent him to the pearly gate. He had looked up to see you excitedly pulling out a picture of him from college, smiling brightly as you pointed at it. You were gasping, holding it up right beside him for a comparison. It was so adorable the way you were in awe that he once had long hair, and was very blond.
“Ahh, using my preference to your advantage I see…” You teased and he felt his skin glowed red. He could barely keep his eyes on you, feeling so embarrassed yet he couldn’t help but stare in awe at the way you were giggling. He really hadn’t thought about it that way but he did want to look good for you. Suddenly now that you were studying him with utmost care, he felt shy.
“Can I confess something embarrassing?” Jihoon didn’t know what prompted him to do this. Perhaps it was the way you were still holding onto him as you did long before he could call you his. Perhaps he just wanted to stay in this moment just for a little bit longer. Perhaps he just wanted to see your smile again.
“Hmm, you know you can tell me anything.”
“I might have checked your social account a little too much and the boys might have nicknamed me Jihoonie the stalker…”
“Mr. Lee, is that the kind of behavior is that for a world renowned producer to have? I’m appalled!”
“Is it also a good time to confess that I screenshot all of your stories and post just in case you delete them?” He rushed it all out in one sentence, voice grew meek at the way your eyes grew wider with each word coming out of his mouth.
“No… That is unacceptable behavior. I might have to report you to the authorities for stalking.” Your exaggerated gasp sent him into a fit of giggle that drew your own to follow. How long has it been since he was blessed with your bright, unrestrained laughter, Jihoon couldn’t recall. But being here now, enduring the fake punches you were landing on his arm, hearing you doubling over in a fit of giggle, and falling right into his chest… Suddenly the world felt right. Jihoon was so high in love and in happiness. For the first time in months the ground beneath his feet felt stable even if the future was still as uncertain as it had been before he walked back into your life. All Jihoon knew was he was no longer afraid now that you were here with him.
“Jihoonie…” He didn’t realize how much he could miss the way someone called his name, yet here he was, smiling like a fool. His heart nearly stopped when you called out to him so sweetly, the way you had for the best years of his life. “I’m sorry I called you Woozi earlier… I don’t know why I did that. I know you didn’t like me using your work name when it’s just us.”
“It’s okay, love. If I’m honest, hearing you say my name in any capacity is enough for me. I really thought you’d have some choice words to call me by.” Newfound courage drew out a hearty laugh as he reached up to tap your nose gently with his finger. A playful giggle delighted the air when you scrunched your nose up at his touch, a sweet smile on your lips.
“Are you feeling better?”
“Yea…” He sighed softly, doing his best to hide the fact that he’d feel so much better if you accepted him back as your boyfriend this very moment but he had to be patient. “Thank you.”
“Let’s head back inside, reception starts soon and I’m sure Soonyoung is freaking out that his best man is missing. ”
Jihoon nodded, feeling empty once more when you let go of the hug. He wanted so desperately to hold your hand as you both walked back into the reception. Better yet, he wanted to leave this moment with you and head to his studio for the session you wanted. Yet he was happy just being able to walk alongside you on the same path once more and listening to your little story of the day. He was just happy that you had asked to keep his jacket for a little longer. He knew it would be a long way to get back to where he was with you, a long way till you’d let him call you his girlfriend again… A long way until he can call you his wife. Jihoon silently promised himself that he’d do everything possible to be the best boyfriend, best husband if you ever let him. Until then, he’ll be patient and never again will he let you go. If he ever gets the chance Jihoon will be selfish with your touch, your smile, your hug, your love. For now, all he hoped for was that you’d let him have one dance with you before the night is over.
260604 dk_is_dokyeom: i’ve always wanted to wear school uniforms and go to an amusement park so thank you members, and i’m so glad we had fun and didn’t fight, i love you ㅋㅋㅋㅋ let’s come back here with woozi hyung (৹ᵒ̴̶̷᷄﹏ᵒ̴̶̷᷅৹) monthly meeting done ˘͈ᵕ˘͈
-A nonsense question left you both facing your feelings. (Silly little one shot for my #1 man)
-a/n: Sorry for being so late with Woozi pt. 2, I had finals. I'm 90% done with it but there was one part I wasn't happy with so I'm currently rewriting that bit. Here's a silly little drabble to tide you over until then.
I love this man sm, fr fr
“Abs or biceps?”
The answer should’ve been simple. Given the 2 choices, it should’ve been so simple for you to just blindly pick one. Yet here you sat, stunned, staring at your best friend who was as nonchalant as when he had plopped down on your bed hours ago. You found yourself stammering, the answer choking in your throat.
“Oh, come on. It shouldn’t be that hard to choose.” Seungcheol finally spared you a glance, intrigue at the sudden silence. Or rather the lack of protest against him asking you yet another frivolous question.
“I- I don’t know. You asked out of nowhere, I didn’t have time to think about it.” The answer that had just left your lips was about as convincing as snow in August. You knew it. He knew it. Shit, you were in trouble now.
“What is there to think about? It’s a simple question, Y/n. Abs or biceps? You’re telling me in all your hormonal teenage years and lonely college nights until now, you’ve never thought about it?” He hadn’t even looked at you once even though it was your room he had barged in, your bed he had made his home for hours. Suddenly all his attention was on you, eyes scanning the way your skin slowly began to glow red, the way your gaze couldn’t remain in one place.
“Ew, don’t talk about my hormones… or my lonely nights. And why are you suddenly so interested in my preference anyways?” So you did the only thing you knew best, pretend irritation vexed on your features as you swatted him away. Seungcheol had sat up now, the bunny plushie he had gifted you for your 7th birthday securely snugged in his lap.
“I’m not… It’s just something I saw online.” Oh how the table had turned as it was now his smooth, tan skin that was beginning to glow red. His eyes were everywhere but on you, no doubt regretting this little inquiry he had started.
“Right… Well, I’m still not telling you.” You quipped, returning your attention to the art project you had spent hours fixing on your tablet all because you forgot to switch to a new layer.
“Why not?” You didn’t have to look to know exactly what kind of look your dear best friend had on his face this very second. That whiny tone and the way he had huffed, no doubt that adorable pout was on his lips. Not that you’d ever let Seungcheol know that you found his pout cute, or that a sulky Choi Seungcheol was your most favorite version of him in the world.
“Because… It’s kind of weird to talk to you about those things.” It was true. He might have no boundaries on all the gross boy things he blurted out in front of you but that didn’t mean you didn’t. There were just certain things you’d rather die than tell Seungcheol.
“You talk to your girls about these kinds of things, don’t you?” He sat there in silent, bated breaths until you finally hummed a simple yes in response. “Are you really saying you’re closer to other people than me? Your best friend of your whole life?” That damn whiny tone, why did he have to use that voice on you.
“I’m not saying that, Cheollie. It’s just… hard to talk about this specific thing with you.” The more you exasperated, the more whiny Seungcheol got. There was no way he’d let you off the hook this time. If there was one thing he was good at, it was being persistent and really annoying when he wanted to. Suddenly all the questions about your plan for the day made sense. He knew he had you trapped, you had nowhere to be but here. Whatever game he was playing today, he had you right where he wanted.
“Fine… I’ll drop it…” Seungcheol muttered lowly, a heavy sigh left his lips as he flopped right back down onto your bed. That was strangely… easy? You never knew Seugcheol to just drop a topic once he had cling onto it. If there was one thing you knew for certain about your best friend, it was that he was a stage 5 clinger. This has begun as just a dumb question to pass the time, but why did he sound so disappointed. Since when was this little silly topic meant so much to him? Well, colored you intrigued.
“Are you sulking, Mr. Choi.” You teased, not because you were in the mood to set him off or anything. You teased him to buy time to prepare for what was about to come out of your mouth.
“Don’t call me that. Make me sound so old.” Right, you really ticked him off now.
“Cheollie…” You called gently to no reply, uncomfortable silence began to fill the space between you and him. “Do you want to know the answer I’d give any random guy or…”
“Or?” He feigned disinterest, eyes glued to the screen of missed calls he had been pretending to busily scrolled through for the last minute or so.
“Or do you want to know the answer I’d give you?” There it was, you got him. The way he had shot up so fast from where he had been playing a dried up starfish should be in some sort of record book.
“Me… Obviously… But I wouldn’t mind knowing what you’d tell some random guy either.” He stated matter of factly, as if this whole thing didn’t start off as some ridiculous thing he had seen on the internet.
“If it was just a random guy, I’d say biceps.” The shit-eating grin that had just bloomed on his lips reminded you of just why you were so envied by so many girls in high school. If there was a second thing you knew about your best friend, it was that he had the fucking physique of a Greek God. There was no denying just how handsome he was. Beyond that, he knew how to carry himself. Just cocky enough to draw every girl and guy his way, but in a very self assuring way to not come off as a jerk. The deadliest part? Seungcheol was never afraid to be silly, to be sensitive when he needed to be. He wasn’t shy about showing just how in touch with his emotions he was. When he decided to give someone his attention, thunder could strike him and he'd still be 100% attentive. But that doesn’t mean he didn't walked around flexing his stupidly perfect muscles as if it was currency. He was a guy after all and he was definitely rich in muscles, especially biceps. Most definitely biceps. “Don’t! I can feel your smirk from here.” And he was damn proud of his muscles.
“Okay, okay… I’ll stop.” There was no stopping this man, even as he promised to stop you could still feel the wide smile in his tone. “What about if it was me?”
“Well, if it was you…” You swallowed hard and the air shifted. No longer was there a touch of playfulness in the way he looked at you. Seungcheol was teetering on the edge of your bed, though this time he was unusually still. His gaze was so sharp, so focus that you could feel the hair on your neck raising. A chill ran down your spine with the way he studied your every movement. “I’d say your dimples, your smile, your voice, your bare face, your…” You were losing your confidence fast. Why you had decided to be so brutally honest, you didn’t even know yourself. He had already given up. Sure you'd have to deal with a sulky large man, but it wasn't like he didn't sulk every other hour. By the way your best friend had nearly teleported just to sit right beside yourself when he failed to get you to look his way, he too was surprised at your honesty.
“My what…” He pressed. Seungcheol was so close you could feel the warmth of his breathing gently fanning your skin. He smelled so goddamn amazing and this very moment, you were dizzy. Dizzy from how intoxicating his scent was, dizzy from how close his face was to yours, dizzy from your confession. Your words and thoughts were all jumbled up, dancing in your mind so you shut your eyes to hide just how flustered he has made you.
“Look at me.” He didn't demand, he didn't ask. The way he had whispered those words was so gentle, almost as if he was begging you to. So you obeyed, staring deep into those beautiful eyes. “Finish what you were going to say”. For just a moment, his eyes flickered down to your lips, leaving you both needy for his attention but also wanting him to cross every boundary of your friendship.
“Your humor. Your kindness. Your selflessness…” The rest of your list was swallowed up in the kiss he had just pressed to your lips. Funny how many times you had imagined those plush lips on yours, how amazing it would feel to be kissed by the one and only Choi Seungcheol. The moment you face him, all your courage would be lost. You’d feel guilty, so guilty for thinking of your best friend in such a sinful way when he probably didn’t even think of you in that way. Melting into his touches now, it was so much better than anything your wildest dream. He was so gentle, yet behind each turn of his head, each bite of your lips there was such intention. It was as if he too had been wanting this for as long as you had. He left you breathless. Even as his neediness had mellowed out, Seungcheol couldn’t stop pressing chaste kisses all over your features, anywhere he could reach without breaking away from the hug he had you in.
“You mean it?” You searched his eyes for any sign that this was just a game, some kind of misunderstanding but all you found was an ocean of warmth and love. He stared at you, just as he had so many times before but this time there was something freeing, something uninhibited.
“Hmm, all of it and a lot more.” When he finally settled down beside you with his arms wrapped entirely around your body, it felt like home. You had always belonged in his arms but it was so much more than that now.
“How come you never told me?” He whispered against your forehead where he had began to kiss you endlessly.
“Because I was afraid of how you would react… I didn’t think you felt like this.” Letting your head rest on his chest, you couldn’t help but smile at how wildly his heart was beating. “So, was this the answer you were looking for?”
“I didn’t think you’d be so honest, but I’m glad you were.” You craned your neck to look at the shy blush rosying his cheeks but he only pulled you right back onto his chest. “I was just hoping you’d say enough for me to have the courage to confess to you, but this was so much better.”
Who would’ve thought a silly little question would’ve landed you your dream man.
- In his quest to fix the biggest mistake of his life, Bobby discovers his true self. This new found understanding guide him to see life the way you do, leaving him falling in love with you more and more as he’s getting closer to reaching his end destination. You.
- Masterlist
- I Don’t Love You by Urban Zapaka
- Don’t be Happy by M.C the Max
- Galaxy by BolBBalgan4 (turn on cc for lyrics translation)
There was a point in time when Bobby finds the ear-piercing whistle of the trains blaring pass endearing…Endearing in a sense that it could still drowns out even the loudest, most excruciating of screams. That was of course when he was fresh on this journey and the pain of disappointment was something raw, something new. Not to say that the aching of his heart now was any less raw than it had been, callus wasn’t something heartbreak knew.
Nowadays, it seems as though his brain had finally committed the bellowing of the locomotive to memories as even that couldn’t drown out the frustrated howling of his weary mind. As he lets the weight of the long trip sunk onto the worn-out wooden bench by the now empty train track, desolation chipped away yet another corner of his jagged heart, leaving the fragment to wither away into ashes. Just a moments ago, all his hope and dream of a happy ending were shredded to bits by the wavering voices of the old couple whom were landlord to the humble home boding the address he had so excitedly scribbled on a torn piece of paper just a week ago.
“She hasn’t been back for days. I’m sorry, child. You’re too late.” The old woman had said as the old man shook his head in regret, they felt for him as they too went through many heartbreaks before finding solace and love one another.
That little piece of crumbled up paper that had held Bobby’s heart and soul, the one he had hung onto so desperately as if a lifeline guiding him back ashore was now falling out of his limp fingers as emptiness washed over everything… A feeling he, unfortunately, was all too familiar with at this point.
He had been searching for a glimpse of that smile, the familiar soft features in the passing crowds for so long he had lost counts of the weeks or was it months now. He wouldn’t want to turn into one of those insufferable parents that refer to their child in months even though it’s just as easy to say 2 years as it is 24 months.
Now typically, Bobby wouldn’t be so down on himself at every shake of the head and whisper of “No, i haven’t seen her”. Sure, he’d be weighed down with disappointment and a few sighs would accompany his heavy steps, but he’d just simply move onto the next lead. This time, it really struck quite close to his heart because he almost had you, so close he could almost pick out that delectable scent of freesia mingling with pear still lingering about the old room you had occupied. It was too much, the sadness was almost too much for his feeble heart to handle, as if a river after a long rainstorm, threatening to spill over the banks any second now, washing away everything precious along its destructive path.
He almost had you.
A sudden urge to punch himself risen within his soul the longer he remained in this old town. Had he not decided to squeeze in that last project, had he just left when his assistant bolted into his room with the most hopeful expression on his face. It was just one tiny contract, one last one before taking the much-needed time off to reunite with your lovely face. But none of that matter anymore, because here he sat all alone on this worn out wooden bench by the train track. Perhaps this very second you too were on some other worn out wooden bench at some other train track far away from here, completely unaware of the man chasing your shadow.
Despite the sorrow plaguing his heart, Bobby couldn’t help but let himself immersed in the place that had taken your breath away, at the very least, intrigued you enough to remained here for so long. As he took the long way back toward the train station, having bid adieu to the kind souls that had let him wallow in shame and in the weight of his failure on their front porch for as long as he needed, Bobby took in the gentle scenery of this old town. He thought of the wooden gate and how in the few minutes it had taken the old couple to answer his question, it had transformed significantly.
The very first moment he had laid his eyes on the home number proudly displayed right beside it, that wooden gate had held so much hope and happiness. One swing and he’d be reunited with you, just one swing and he could enter the home where his entire heart laid despite never before having been here… One swing too, was all it took for it to morph into a painful reminder of how late he was and how for so long, you had passed through it without fail, days in, days out. It was mere days, just days and you were once more out of his grasp, swallowed up by this big wide world without a trace, not even a hint for his poor broken heart to follow. That was the bitter reality, he was always far too late. There was a lesson to be learn and he had unfortunately, learned it the hardest way. Even now, even as the silent promises of finding you, of never again letting you go or letting anything get in the way of his heart chiming loud… he still did just that. He let the world and its need get in the way of reuniting and he paid dearly for it.
As his footsteps echoed into nothingness, the couple’s words replaying in his mind over and over again until the words themselves began to lose meaning. Halting just by the edge of the road with nothing to stop travelers from taking a plunge down a steep cliff but a series of wooden fencing precariously hanging on for dear life, Bobby gazed up at the calm blue sky above and took it all in. His hand traveled up to cover the crescents of his eyes shying away from the bright crisp sun, a small smile formed on his lips as he studied all the things wonderful about this place.
The image of you strolling along the coastline of this small fishing village on the way to the market projected right onto the landscape like some crazy hologram show, smile bright on your pink lips, almost as if challenging the harsh sea air bitter with salt that seems to wear everything down.
Not you.
Bobby truly believes there’s nothing in this world that could ever wear down that favorite smile of his. His steps continued, following your transparent figment of his imagination trekking right by his side, humming to that song you love so much. He had made the mistake of telling you all too bluntly exactly just how annoying it was, the incessant humming and how it had stuck in his head all those sleepless nights. All it took was one sentence, just once and from there on out, never again did he hear your soft voice dancing along with the tune. How he wished to have you sauntering right by his side humming it now, then maybe, maybe he can finally join in with the jolly tune even if the raspy of his voice would completely ruin the harmony.
Not too far down the road, a small flower field caught Bobby’s eyes and he thought of your fondness for the colorful dainty thing. His heart creaked under a heartfelt grin blooming on his lips recalling his inability to understand why you love flowers so much, as they seemed so fleeting. There was no denying its beauty yet in such short amount of time, that glamour just withered away into nothingness. He questioned so many times why you couldn’t be more like the typical girls he encountered, sharing a love for jewelry, diamonds, gems, clothes. Or for God’s sake even those stupid little stickers you seemed to put everywhere; Even once he found a dainty little orange paper bunny sticker, tucked away so far from the line of sight for anyone to see but perfectly in his view right on his work desk. His first reaction was of course anger… How could you be playing around in a place where solemnity was required of everyone, the place that had proven times and times again the pen is mightier than swords. Yet as he reached those svelte fingers to peel away at the fragile thing, suddenly his heart ached for you, for the moments of the past when money and power weren’t placed above everything else, when they weren’t the invisible wall separating you and him. So ,he left it there, a corner of the right ear missing but nevertheless still very much strongly adhere to the dark oak desk. These days, that little bunny served as a reminder of his end goal, of the smile that was still keeping his heart running. It reminded him that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and all this pain, all the sleepless aching nights were only temporary.
Any of the above would last so much longer, some even withstand the test of time but you love flowers best… You love it with all your heart and never once did he bother to give you, even just a single stem, he might never again have the chance to…
Watching the way they danced so softly with the wind against the silent only the countryside could offers, something sparked inside his heart. He was mesmerized by its fragility. Yet even as easily bruised as they were, the dainty little things stand proud against the wind, the sea, even strong enough to thrive through the cracks in the asphalt of the old road, painting the world with its vibrancy.
Flowers possessed the amazing ability to convey a feeling, to coax emotions out of the world that so cruelly cut them down for the sole purpose of pleasing itself aesthetically. They sacrificed so much to please the unpleasantness, to soothe away pain, and cheer along the happiness of the world… What do they get in return? Once those brilliant colors began to fade and no longer could they hold themselves tall, they’d get toss away without a second thought.
You’re a flower.
In many ways, you were the most dainty, fragile, and precious thing in his heart and he wanted nothing more than to protect you from the viciousness of the world. Yet your vivaciousness and fiery passion had always set his world ablaze, leaving him utterly breathless at points from how much such you could achieve.
You’re the best kind of flower…his flower.
You had been there for him since day one, since before the fancy job and the fancy title, before he could command the world to move with just words. You didn’t care that his bank account had but $11 in it or that the collar of his shirt had begun to discolor. You were there and you listened to his pain when no one else would. Even when success meant that he’d share laughter of joy with someone else, share the happiest moments of his life with people he knew for the entirety of a few weeks because his new life, his new world was one you didn’t belong to… At the end of the day, you were still there for his sorrow and not once did you ask for anything in return but to remain by his side. You were the best therapist that no money could get yet all he ever done was hurt you. He was the world that cut its own flower down, a flower that had done nothing wrong aside from being friend with a contemptible asshole.
As Bobby perused the endless swaying sea of colors, he spotted a small flower bent from the wind, barely hanging on and found a small smile bloomed on his lips. He whispered a small thank you to the dainty thing before gently ending its misery. A small leather-bound journal retrieved from his backpack, Bobby let his fingers ran through the pages filled with messy scribbles and all dated carefully. He gingerly placed the tiny flower onto the next blank page before taping it down, jotting a small “1/30, I finally understood flowers″ just beside the town name.
“My flower, when will you let me see your brilliant, exuberant self again? I miss you. I had thought I would be hugging you by the night end, but I guess I missed my chance again. What else is new right? Always ignorant of your pain and only pay attention when it’s too late. What can I do but push through and pray for a better day. I know I will have you back with me soon enough.” he jotted quickly before closing the journal to hasten toward the station as he felt the rising of emotions choking his breaths.
Loneliness was something he looked down upon, contemptuous, and misjudged of just how powerful it could be. A single tear slips down the skin of his cheek, pale from winter’s cruel breeze before the soft sweater paw wiped it away in a haste, not wanting to give into recent memories. If he succumbs to loneliness now, all he had done would be for naught. A forced smile lingers on his lips, a small attempt to scare away the sadness of his heart as the sleeve that had been shielding his hand away from the cold begins to peel backward. There sat on his boney wriest, a small silver bar so pretty in the embrace of a small chain, the sight of its engraving alone could lure out the most genuine grin, something he thought had lost the second you left. His soul slowly regained its liveliness as his thumb gently petting over the prettiest name in existent, hope painting color over the dejection in those sharp brown eyes. Once again Bobby settled back into the creaking bench as he awaited the arriving of his long ride home, recent conversation haunting his mind.
“You’re that boy…” The landlord’s voice albeit weak was slowly filling with joy as his memory permitted him to recall the familiar face. Although this face was much wearier than the one had been wearing the cheerful smile the old man had seen, he was certain Bobby was the one. The confusion played clearly on Bobby’s face as he quirked an eyebrow in surprise.
“How… You know me, sir?” He asked but was almost too scare of the answer, fearing bad reputation could lead them into lying to him.
“Yea. I’ve seen your picture in her room when we collected the rent. Honey, you remember?” He looked over to his wife, a flash of uncertainty dashed across the wrinkles around her kind eyes before they lit up so brightly it gave Bobby hope.
“Right. She had pictures of you in her room. If I remember correctly, one of it was you and her by the beach. The other one you were smiling but wasn’t looking at the camera. I asked her who you were and she said someone very important to her heart… What was that she called you?” She trained her gaze back to Bobby’s face once more, this time with the utmost carefulness in studying the handsome features and soft brown locks of hair. “Yes, I’m sure. It’s you, although you were a bit chubbier then.” A small chuckle left her lips as it did her husband’s, they both exchanged bits of concern of just how worn Bobby had looked, noting he must take care of himself if he hopes to ever make you happy again.
As the conversation grew long, more and more details about your short-lived adventure in this town painted a clear picture of everything in Bobby’s mind from when you had arrived till the day you left. They spoke fondly of your kind smile and sweet personality, even the sorrow lurking beneath the surface in the quiet moments of day. Then revealed too was your strange habit of gazing at the ocean even though times and times again the most painful sigh would leave your lips at the sight of young couples sauntering pass. They were curious, what sadness did you go through to bear such sorrow watching others’ happiness, yet you still insisted upon visiting the beach so often.
“It was once my favorite place, I go there often with my star… But my star no longer shines for me the way he used to do so I’m sad.”
It was like God given salvation for his dying heart. A smile he didn’t know he still had bloomed upon the dry lips - genuine and pure. You kept his pictures, he was still yours… he was still yours even if you had made the most devastating mistake of all - he still very much shined for you, wanting, needing to shine brighter than ever for his flower.
“My star.” He murmurs over and over. He was still in your heart.
… Yet just beneath it all, distress and the worst kind of sadness ran amok at the thought of you suffering, enduring the happiness of other just for a glimpse of what could’ve been your own.
As the sun sets over the small train station, Bobby felt the closing of yet another eventful chapter in this small saga of you and him, all his curiosity put to sleep, all aside one. You have always had a knack for photography, the countless amazing photos decking the living room of his home all by your talented eyes. These pictures the old couple had spoken off, the memories of the day they had been taken fresh in his mind as if it was just yesterday. Yet he wished with all his heart he had a chance to see them, all amazing no doubt about that.
The first had been from a happier time before money and power had changed Bobby into this person he despised. The constant pressure of being perfect, being someone that wasn’t entirely himself had always eaten away at his soul, chipping at his heart for far too long and you knew it. Just mere days before you left that Bobby had the last drop that spilled the cup, work abandoned and before he even knew what he had done, his car parked in front of your house and an invitation to the nearest beach had been sent to your phone.
He was still in his constricting suit, angry at lack of effort by his subordinate, stressed from the seemingly poisonous love life that brought him nothing but a cheating ex and a gold digger for a date. You had sat there with your toes in the sand, huddling close to his side under a big blanket hiding away from the frost of late winter, listening to him complain about anything and everything. You never said much, in fact you said nothing at all… just listen as him ranted, with that kind and understanding expression you always wore. You let him take all the frustration out on you despite deserving none of it, then offered wise words when he was ready.
His personal therapist, punching bag, and shoulder to cry on, you were everything and he took you as nothing. Oh, if you could see the guilt ravaging every fiber of his being now, would you laugh at him for finally realizing he had taken you for granted far too late? Would you laugh if you see just how pathetic he had become, all alone without a single soul to spill his heart to, not the way you did, not with his best interest in mind.
It took Bobby nearly too long to recall the memory attached to the second photograph before realizing he has absolutely no idea when you had taken it. Only then did he recalled your love of capturing candid moments of life. He never understood your fascination of capturing his unprepared moments until a few months after you left. He had found a polaroid, worn at the edge and a bit yellow from his carelessness. It was so long ago he couldn’t quite narrow down which birthday it had been. A mutual friend had slyly slipped the small thing into his pocket with a teasing wink, and the most curious whisper “you’re one lucky dude. Keep this close.” Now that he really thought about it, perhaps it had been “keep her close” but Bobby was too enthralled in another face he could no longer recalled to realized. He couldn’t remember anything except how absolutely stunning you had looked, way too beautiful for his dumb young self.
How could he had been so stupid that he couldn’t recognize what he had right by his side. You weren’t looking at the camera but rather lovingly at him. A smile delicate on your lips as you listened to him talk, probably complaining about something. Since then, candid had become his most favorite kind of photo of you. He’d spent hours searching through all the albums to pick out glimpses of you in the background. He smiled at the memories. The same smile he was now sporting letting his finger tracing out the small curves and bents of your name etched permanently onto the shiny band worn on his wrist.
“I’m coming for you, Y/n. Wait for me, okay?”
He whispered affectionately before pushing himself off the worn out wooden bench by the tracks with almost a spring to his steps as he walks off into the distant, one step closer to bringing you home. After spending all his time searching aimlessly, snatching up any clues he has about your whereabout no matter how insignificant, he was finally on the right track. You were here, and now so was he.
Another two weeks had past before a knock came upon the grand wooden doors of his office. Expecting another report or files, he spared no glance and simply raised his hand up expecting a folder to be place in his grasp. What slid between his fingers left his soul leaping from his chest. It was small, glossy on one side and much too thin to be a folder. He froze. Slowly lowering the object down onto the table, his breath hitched as if all the oxygen had just up and left the room leaving him suffocating. Another piece of paper with trails of ants liked typing neatly laid onto his desk. He whispered a small thank you to the man he now realized is the private investigator he had hired before dismissing him. This was a private moment he’d like to have on his own.
The small picture showed you basking in the bright sun of yet another small town. Your hair shorter than what he remembered but still just as shiny and amazing. Your smile although not as brilliant as he had last seen it by the beach, it was much happier than the one he had seen the last time before you disappeared.
“Y/n ah…”
He whispered desperately, hoping you’d somehow hear him through the portal of the small photograph. His attention turned back to the other piece of paper with the details of your possible whereabout. Clutching both tightly in his hands, he stormed off before his assistant could even fathom what kind of uproar was brewing in his boss’s mind currently.
There he goes, on another train but heart already there. This time heading toward a small farming town. He had heard you spoken about this town many times before but never once think twice about the significant of it. You had lamented over riding down the small river under the tunnel of cherry blossom trees before heading off to the strawberry farm for a snack or two. He had promised you he’d take you when he’s free but once again, he was always too forgetful, too busy to fulfill his side of the deal. He could see so clearly now the disappointment in your eyes you used to hide so well until times and times again the false promises continued to fall, until you could no longer hide the sadness of unfulfilled words. The disappointment that he should’ve fix instead of brushing it off as another one of your ridiculous antic. How he wishes now to hear your small little whines of disappointment when he says he’s too busy.
It’s only the 2nd week of February, off season for the small town that thrives upon the love of spring. The entire train cart empty, leaving Bobby alone with his thought. Back leaning against the wall and feet rest upon the long bench lacks of any other soul, Bobby smiles at the way your cheeks softly glow under the playful sun. You were still wearing that old yellow cardigan he bought you so long ago before he became too busy with work, before the extravagant social dinners took him away from your cheap take-out weekly nights in with Netflix. Although he had bought you better and nicer thing, you still prefer that old cheap yellow cardigan over things worth hundreds, maybe even thousands. His heart elates at the simplicity that is your present in his life. Staring out the window racing by hour after hour of greenery dormant in the cold winter, he lets dream soars free amongst the cloud as his eyes flutter shut for another nap.
“I don’t love you.”
Not really sure where to start or even how or what to say, Bobby had stood still after blurting out his reply. He let the awkward silent that used to be non-existent between the two of you sunk in for the very first time in all the years you’ve known each other. The utterance of those three simple yet powerful words from your mouth had knocked him off his game.
“I just don’t see you that way… but you probably knew that.”
He said once again, not really bothered much that tears were welling in those beautiful eyes. A small smile creeps onto those quivering dismal lips of yours as your head dropped low.
“I know.”
You breathed almost too painfully as you know none of this really hurt his heart, not in the way you wanted it to.
“I can’t give you a reason why. There’s no other reason why we can’t happen. I won’t say I’m sorry or ask you to forgive me because it is what it is. This is just what I feel… I don’t love you. I feel like if i say those things, it’d just be pitying you for falling in love with the wrong person. There’s nothing wrong with falling in love. It’s just… sometimes… falling in love is the most damaging thing you can do to yourself.”
He stood there, watched you cried but not once did his heart waver. He watched as the sleeves of your old worn out yellow cardigan got soaked in tear before you gave a weary smile, turning away. Little did he know then that this would be the last time he sees you because you knew you had to go away. You knew he didn’t love you. You knew you needed closure. You knew you needed to move on. Taking a few steps forward, you stopped then turn around to look at him one last time. He still stood there silently, so perfect in his suit and tie watching you walk away.
“Thank you.”
You mustered up your best smile before stepping off into nothingness once again. You were done. He let you go. You can move on. You hadn’t even wish for him to regret his words and run off after you. He doesn’t love you. You accepted that.
Awaken screaming your name, Bobby sits up in a haste staring around trying to decipher his surrounding. His bleeding heart calms down once the soft soothing clacking of the wheels against the track reminds him of his destination, of you. He had grew content with the sound of train in his quest to search for you. In his mind, it’s the sound of progress. Every time he hears the sound, body swaying with the cart, he knew he’s one step closer to you… Or at least eliminated one more place that doesn’t have you. Without even knowing, tears flood his eyes of the haunting memory. He didn’t love you. He really didn’t, so why did it hurt so much after the 3rd month without seeing your face. That slow burning turned intense by the end of the 4th month. When your birthday had come and gone in the most disturbing serene, peaceful way possible… The pain had swell like a volcano awaiting its eruption, unbearable. Sitting alone in his room, he sang happy birthday in tear before collapsing onto the ground over the realization of what he had done.
He loves you.
Letting his eyes close once more after checking to see there was another 45 minutes left to the journey. He knows he’d need all his strength once he gets to the station.
Breathing in the fresh air of the countryside, Bobby grins thinking of the way you fawned over this place. He can see why now. The air seems almost mellow as are the clouds sauntering above in the blue sky. Bowing to the station’s guard, he sets on his way toward the small convenient store visible in the corner of your photo. His note recounted the serendipitous meeting that had the investigator randomly stumbled upon your photo in a photo gallery of an up and coming photographer. She was known to take candid shots of people living their daily life, in their most natural unfiltered state. He pulled all the string he could to get the photographer to reveal your location but fearful of what kind of creep would stalk her subjects, the kind photographer keeps a tight lips.
It wasn’t until 2 nights later when the investigator showed up once again with Bobby in tow, hands clutching tightly onto an old album. She had gave him half an hour to convince her why she should reveal her secrets and in the private of the back room behind the main showroom, Bobby told her the cliff note version of the magnificent light you had brought into his life. Letting the photographer sifted through the old album, he hoped for the best and with a painful heart as he recalled the last time he saw you. Completely honest with the stranger about his stupidity, his pride, and his biggest mistake of letting you walk away. After the dust had settled, she stood up, thanked him for his honesty and simply said they’ll be in touch. It wasn’t even a day later when the investigator had showed up in his office with the picture personally printed by the photographer.
Standing in front of the old store now, Bobby holds up the picture to match the background perfectly. He flips the picture over to reveal a few sentences scribbled by the photographer telling him she thinks you’re no longer in this town. When she had met you, you told her you were passing by, a wanderer of some sort living out your dream of traveling. She had thought it was so odd for you to visit such a small town, albeit being popular in spring season, it wasn’t a town people would just know about without doing some research.
“She told me there’s something about these small quaint towns that’s so simple and satisfyingly perfect. People doesn’t have much but what they do, they worked hard for and appreciate it with all their heart and soul. That’s something big cities and tourist traps don’t have. Funny you had mentioned her love of taking photo when you’re not paying attention. She had only agreed on letting me take this picture if I can capture it without her knowing. To be frank, if you hadn’t mention that little bit, I would’ve never let you know where she is.”
Bobby reads the sentences out loud, he could almost hear the slight giggle in your voice when you get passionate about something. His heart smiles at how familiar you still feel even when the world had changed, he had changed. Although you were no longer here, he was told there’s someone that might know where you were heading to next. Pushing his way into the small store, he lets the small clear chime of the door bell rings out the hope he wears on his sleeves that someone here knows where the owner of his heart is.
Opening his journal one more time, he presses a small leaf into the page noting 2/12 next to it before putting it away with a soft sigh. Pulling your picture out of the overstuff backpack, he smooths out the wrinkled corners before tucking into the bottom of the cold window against the glass pane of yet another train leaving the creaky wooden bench by the tracks of the last station. He watches as the sunset on another day before whispering a goodnight to you, thumb tracing the line of your face letting the comfort of your smile lulls him to sleep.
It was 7AM when Bobby had arrived at the next station. Sitting on another wooden bench by the track, he watches the warming sun pushing its way through another morning just as he’s pushing through another day closer to you. It was much too early to be out searching for you. Perhaps closer to lunch, he’d have better luck with the hungry horde out searching for something to stuff themselves full. As the thought of lunch drifts by, his stomach growls in protest of skipping dinner last night to make the last train out.
Wandering into town, Bobby gotten himself a bag full of kimbab rolls to go as he meander to the far ends of the station. When the train had slowed down enough preparing to pull into the station, he had spotted a field full of plum blossom trees so pristine and white they put fresh snow of December to shame. Settles on a large stump underneath a dense patch of blossoms, he lets himself sink into the dreamy sight as he replenish himself with energy for another long day of searching. He wonders if you had sat here also, on this very stump and dazed off into your own world.
Often in the past he’d find you lazily gaze into the distant and he’d tease you for being so sleepy all the time. Then as the weight of the world grew, he grew frustrated at your indolent way, the lethargic expression you’d wear when you knew he was tearing his hair out from overworked, overstressed. He had taken it out on you like a fool. How he wishes now you’d be here lazily gaze into the distant with him while enjoying a snack.
He now knows, regrettably too late, you weren’t lazy nor sleepy. You were infatuated with the way nature threads itself into the busy life of people that neglects it. Forgotten that once these concrete jungles were filled with the wonders of plants and simpler things in life. You had always know how take time to appreciate the silent life in the background of your normal bustling one. If only he had learned your way sooner, then maybe he wouldn’t be so insufferable to everyone around him, maybe you’d still be here.
It’s astounding how you continue to change the way he views life even without being here. This crazy yet amazing journey you had sent him on guide him closer to the path of understanding himself. Being a young boss, he had lost that innocent of not worrying, of letting loose, of just taking a breather once in awhile. The various destinations you had set foot on, even the one you didn’t but he couldn’t leave any stone unturned, each and every one of them soothes his aching heart a bit more. They taught him to appreciate things as they come.
He had thought this quest of searching for you would be a long and treacherous one and it was. The first two town he visited, he took planes then cars, whizzing by the life that went on outside the windows, oblivious of the wonders these small towns hold. After the 2nd time met with shaking of heads and whisper of you were never there in the first place, he ran off in a fit of anger. He had ran so far he wasn’t sure if he was even still in the same town. Letting himself slumped over onto a big boulder, he had cried. Cried until he couldn’t cry anymore, and it hit him, the way the ripple of waves glisten under the sun, the way the tree line mirrored so perfectly atop the peaceful lake top. For the first time in months he felt at ease. That night he decided to take the train back to the city and the rest was history.
He had sat with the night guard laughing all nights about the craziest thing that happened at the 4th town you visited. He had comforted a kid that lost his mom while pushing through the busy aisle of an open air market of a false lead not too long after. He couldn’t believe the sights, the smells, the sounds as he held onto the kid dragging him around to find his mom. He had anonymously donated a large sum to an old couple he found crying after the bank tried to seize their house as collateral for their youngest son’s mistake. Their other kids were barely making enough to support themselves, unable to help out their parents. He watched the shame in the oldest son’s eyes as he knew he would never make enough to carry his young brother’s debt.
Bobby realized that there’s much worse pain, struggle so trying he couldn’t even fathom how people make it through another day. People suffers through much tougher situations than what he goes through in his lavish life. Yet, they’re so content, so generous with what little they got. He learned to see life through your eyes, to see the goods in people, to not always get stuck on the bad things in hindsight. He had wonder how you could always smile. Even when he yelled at you, disappointed you, took his anger out on you… You were still smiling just the same and readily forgave him for everything. He had learned your simple way of life had brought you happiness beyond anything Bobby could ever even began to think of.
He had learned that he’s falling in love with you more and more everyday as he sees life the same way you do. What will he do when he reaches the end of the road and everything falls apart, he doesn’t know. For now, the journey itself is gratifying enough to carry him another day. For now, he wishes for nothing but to see you again even if it’s just for a second.
As the last piece of food travels down to its resting place, Bobby stands up and heads out into town once more. Picture in hand, he had walked all afternoon and yet no one recognize you. Heaving a small laugh, he shakes a fist to encourage himself to go on. This was nothing new. He used to get sad, dispirited every time someone says no but now, he learned to persevere. Most importantly, he learned that the only way he’ll have a bad day would be if he lets it get that way.
He pushes on and before he realizes, it’s already time for another sunset. He’d have to find a place to hang his hat soon. Quickening his steps, he hopes to check a few more places before tucking out for the night when a sound barely in the range of his hearing stops him in his track. It’s a giggle. A sweet, sweet giggle that he had thought he’d never hear again. Too afraid to turn around fearing that if he looks, the owner of the giggle would somehow change into someone else, so he stands and listens for a bit longer. There it was again, this time accompany by the voice he grew to love. He’s sure this time.
“Goodnight, I’ll see you tomorrow.” The voice says.
Tears stream down his face on their own accord as he spins around to meet your smiling face, eyes twinkles under the reddening sky. You were speaking to an older gentleman holding a bag of things in your hand, shoulders cover by that old yellow cardigan.
He found you.
You hadn’t notice him at first, still too busy chatting away, smiling but then just as you step toward the 5 ways cross road, the biggest one of this town, he stands there crying. Your polite smile drops into something feeble, gentler. Bobby was still stuck in playing the whole scene out in slow motion when you step toward him, calling his name. He reaches up to poke your face with his index half expecting for you to just dissipates with the last rays of sunshine. His small action earned a smile and a scrunch of your nose. His hand clasp tight over his mouth still gapes open from shock as he cries.
He found you.
You both stand there, perfectly in the center of the biggest intersection of town staring at each other. It wasn’t until a small delivery scooter zooms past cussing at both of you for being stupid enough to stand in the middle of the intersection that he snaps out of his daydream with a chuckle. Pulling on his arm, you drag him to the safety of a sidewalk before he finally speaks.
“Y/n… I found you.”
Sitting down by the edge of an empty bridge that hovers over the river that runs through the far side of town now, you both share a content silent. It’s so different than the last time you had share with him a moment of quietness. You stare at the boy you had left behind, see the slight change in the way he smiles, the way his eyes gaze upon the small fish fighting the current. It’s almost as though he’s seeing what you’re seeing. Although unsure why, your heart is happy at the possibility.
“How are you?” You break the silent, fearing it’d turn sour if you let it goes any longer. Bobby was never one to find solace in the peaceful quiet nooks of life.
“Better.”
He answers almost too quick to which you answer with a small hum.
“I mean, I understand things about myself now that I’d never dream of a year ago.” He laughs nervously, debating whether it’s too much to tell you he’s a changed man. “I think I finally understand you better.”
“That’s good. I always thought I come off as a little kooky in your eyes.”
You smile and it does something to his heart. The same something that could be liken to quenching the thirst of a wilting plant. Your heart shaken, clearly registering how much your simple smile affects his heart. The same shaken that could be liken to a small tremble of the Earth.
“You came this far, I’m assuming you have things you want to say?”
“I honestly don’t know where to start.” He regrets not planning this out better. “I had set out with the simple goal of finding you. I didn’t know for what or if you really wanted me to or not but… I wanted it.”
You whisper a sadden “oh” in response. You’re happy to see him, that much you know. Yet there’s another part of your heart that screams the cold words he had said, the icy stares he gave… He broke your heart but you never really blamed him for it. It wasn’t his fault you fell for the impossible man. You had half hoped he’d find you but what’s the point to go back to the days of hiding your feelings. Even now, sitting here, he’s still impossible. Where’s the crisp suit and impeccably styled hair? Where’s the cold Bobby that only smile around you? This boy here, he’s not Bobby but he’s still is, very much so. It’s like the inner child you had longed for finally broke free. You hadn’t seen Bobby so relax since the first day he closed the doors of that enormously lonely office. Yet here he sits, not barking order, not fidgeting even a little bit over just sitting here doing nothing. He wears a pair of black ripped jeans, simple white t-shirt hiding under a thick grey hoodie, thumbs hanging precariously on the straps of his overstuffed backpack, legs dangling over the side of the bridge, swinging back and forth, pleased with the scenery.
“You know what’s surprising? Somehow in this whirlwind crazy road trip of mine, I found myself while searching for you.”
The most luminescent glint of happiness shines in his kind eyes as he recalls the people he met, the things he done, the places he visits. He talks about the feeling of facing the impossible of life and the joy of just helping someone out. Even though in the grand scale of life, his action probably didn’t matter much but to that person, he could feel the way his small gesture changed the way they see life. How eventually it became his mission to help the people he meets see joy in living another day. You had listened and he had talked all the way until the darkness washes over the town. Getting up now, he walks close by still fearing you’re just a ghost that would vanish if he breaches some set radius. There’s still so much he needs to say, so much more and he suspects you have a few things of your own. Panic stricken over the soft smile as he watched you walked off, unsure of what to do. Was he crossing the line speaking to you as if no time had passed, as if he hadn’t hurt you in the worst way possible? He could feel the tears pricking before you turned around humming the softest “you comin’?”, easing all the fear in his heart away like the many dawn he had watched breaking the cold of night away. Staring at your hair swaying gently with each step, he wishes he could reach out and laces his fingers through the strands just as he did so many times before.
“Sometimes I wonder why love is so hard. I see people break up over and over again and I thought, does this sadness ever end? How do I cope with these things?”
He speaks with an air of nonchalant, as if he knows the answer but needed for someone else to say it. Crickets had begun to sing in the field of corn lining the small road leading back to your temporary home. He soaks in the sweetness of the air and the crisp note of something that’s so unique to the countryside.
“It’ll go away after a while.” You sigh, almost letting your bleeding heart spills into the air. “the pain, the tears… It goes away, you know. People learn eventually that letting go because sometimes that’s love.” How stupid were you to think he wouldn’t bring this up as you fight the tear and the wounds he reopened just by facing you. Your slight sadness not miss by the attentive boy following your steps closely. He wishes he could just reach out and pull you into his arm and rubs your back gingerly until he dispels all your pain.
“I thought that it’ll be alright if I can just find you, that I’ll have time to tell you this but…” You peek over to see him smile at the sky above, eyes forlorn, longing to join the stars blinking above. “… I realize my time is running out soon so. Y/n?”
His handsome features face you with that unsettling calmness that you had the day you confessed to him. You were calm because you knew the answer you were expecting, is it the same for him? Once he was sure your attention completely his, he smiles but somehow it doesn’t ease your unnerving heart as it used to.
“I love you.”
Your feet stop themselves as your eyes widen at the utterance of those three simple yet powerful words. The rush of the crush that turned into first love blinded you in a flood of emotions. All the ones you hidden and all the ones that were rejected. Glimpses of happy time, glimpses of watching him with someone else, glimpses of his cold expression that day gush out like a broken dam drowning you. In the complete silent of the countryside night, Bobby told you he loves you.
“You can’t do that, Bobby. You can’t just show up one day and say you love me… No.”
Your stammer of confusion was shut down by another smile, this one perhaps a bit sadder than the last.
“Don’t say anything for now… It’s one last favor I want to ask of you, just listen like you used to.”
You nod slowly and he continues to walk prompting you to take the lead as he has no idea where his feet are carrying him to.
“Don’t be happy. It sounds stupid doesn’t it? How selfish of me.” He laughs, not because the words that was coming out of his lips were funny nor did you told a joke. He laughs, just to laugh away how much this hurt. “I don’t want you to be happy. The second you try to be happy again then I know you had forgotten about me. For a while now it hurt to just breathe knowing you were out there somewhere hurt over something I said stupidly and carelessly. It’s been hell living because I realized too late that I was too busy to know my own heart.”
He continues to walk, following your steps closely, eyes fixate on the old oversized yellow cardigan he bought you. You had already lost control of your tear by this point, but the sobs haven’t yet settled in. You let the tear flows freely as you can feel his gaze on you, watching your every move. If you wipe your eyes, he’d know.
“Don’t love, Y/n. If it’s not me who can be with you till the end of time, please… Don’t love. I know I sound so incredibly stupid, changing my mind like a fool. I turned you away then to only chase after you. Even now, I’m not even sure if I should be doing this… I told you to find someone better, someone good but now, my heart ache at my own words. I’m trying so hard to hold on. If I could,”
His words lost in his throat as the sobs he suppressed begins to sting its way out chasing your own to do the same.
“If I could somehow remember that place, that time I lost you… Maybe, do you…” He laughs again, dejection weaves itself into every breath he heaves heavily as if he already knows what you’d say, “Do you think I could find us again like I did this afternoon?”
As if the sky had answered your prayer, the softest touches of rain tickle your skin, hiding the pearls welling in your eyes so perfectly. You spin around to find Bobby had stopped, just a few feet away from where you stand. You let yourself sigh the last bit of your love away.
“We never were, Bobby. I don’t think you can find someone in a place that never existed.”
As if the cloud he loves had answered his prayer, the heavy downpour hides his gasp for air and the sobs so perfectly with its pitter patter. He had turned away with a sadden smile just as you did at the beginning of it all, whispering a small thank you before walking away. Your mind races thousands of miles, deciding if you should let him know it’s okay if he wants to continue searching for you but in the end, no voice came out, and your feet didn’t move. You stand there watching him disappearing into the night knowing this might be the very last time you’ll see him ever again.
It’s 3AM now and you’re no closer to dreamland than you were standing in the rain watching Bobby go. Tossing in your bed, you couldn’t get the smile and the way his breathless “I found you” rings out so endearingly against the loneliness of your own journey. His genuine happiness tugs hard at your heart. Pushing sleep off, you kick off the cover to your warm bed heading out to the front porch to watch the cleansing of another day. Tomorrow, the Earth will twinkle and shine in the light of the sun as if no pain had happened the day before. Everything will continue.
You creak the door open and take in a breath of the cold air wafting around the wide-open space. You stare at that road you know would lead to Bobby before letting your eyes falter to the wooden panes of the old porch debating the rise and fall of letting yourself succumb to the calling of his heart. Under the soft glow of the light shining through the doorway, you spot a small object neatly laid like a present. There it was. The leather-bound journal you had momentarily laid eyes upon earlier when Bobby dug through his backpack searching for his wallet. Faster than light, you pick up the damp book hoping the rain hadn’t damage it too much before retreating back to warmth of cracking fireplace in the living room.
The very first page is mostly blank, water had already permeated through the corner of the page leaving it wrinkles. You huff and puff, hoping to dry out the smearing inks. He had put too much work into this for you to let it rot and waste away in the carelessness of your heart. In the middle of the page however, that writing… You’d recognize that writing anywhere.
“To my beautiful Y/n” It says.
It’s only the first page and he already have you sinking in heartache. This was going to be a long read. To your surprise, there isn’t much writing as there is a mishmash of trinkets illustrating his long journey. The very first entry dated 3/19 with nothing else except for an old picture of you and him in high school. It was a polaroid taken just before his birthday dinner sophomore year. Your finger traces out the small line of that smile and those loving crescent eyes. Just like the first, entries after entries dated carefully and flourishes with details as he got comfortable with admitting his feelings down onto paper. Some have leaf taped on them, some dried up flowers, others a small doodle or a heartfelt line if he’s having a particularly bad day. Your aching soul smiles at the simple phrases, messages sent by his soul. “i miss you” and “I love you” litter the pages along with heartfelt sentiments that transcend any words or things of this realm. You could feel yourself melt under the intensity of his love. You let your heart soar along his at the small picture of the cloud floating by his train cart then cry at the details of his profound sadness over losing a few pages of the journal one careless drunken night. Soon an hour had past and you’re finally caught up with the last entry dating 2/13.
In the middle of the page, a fresh innocently white plum blossom he had picked up while having lunch by the station. A small doodle of what supposed to be a cat right next to the soft petals with the small caption “I saw a cute cat today. He lets me pet him after eating 3 of my kimbab pieces.” The first genuine laugh you have in over a year was over a stupid doodle of a cat that managed to con him for food by being cute.
This page, unlike many before it, is fill with lines upon lines of writing so much so that he almost ran out of space.
“I know it was stupid to ask you not to love. I just wanted to hear myself say it at least once before I could let you go. I thought if you struggled as much as I did, couldn’t we just reconnect? I know it’s selfish. I know it’s not healthy, wrong even to hold onto things that should be let go but I had to… I needed to see you one last time. I love you. I wish I have more time to say it properly but alas, I was already racing against the hands of the clock the second I set out on this journey. Someday, I know a very good person will come along and take you away. Honestly, as I’m writing this, I’m already envious of whoever that is. He’d get to see your amazing smile every day, hear your silly jokes, bask in your sunshine, sway along to the small songs you hum. Most of all, he gets to love you knowing you love him too. He gets to miss you, and have you miss him. I love you. I know no matter how much I say those three words now that it wouldn’t matter. Now that I can no longer hear your voice or have the privilege of knowing you love me … I’m lost.
Don’t be sad. It’s okay, I will be okay eventually. I just hope you’ll be able to say it again soon with the person that will make you happy. Laugh and be happy. I will look at our love as if it’s just put on hold… at least until I can make sense of everything. I hope you’re okay with that. I made the biggest mistake of my life and now I will live with the consequences of it. I want you to know that you had guide me through this insane journey of self-discovering and I want to thank you for that. I love you.”
Ink smears in places you know the rain hadn’t kiss. His heart poured out onto a few simple lines that you couldn’t help but unlock the cage of your heart, letting it free.
Once more Bobby makes acquaintance with another worn out wooden bench by the train tracks… The very last time he’ll rest his weary soul on one. Even though there was no stopping the tears silently rolling down his cheeks, the only thing offering him a bit of warmth on this cold lonely night, Bobby feels light. He found you, he really did and even if it was only for a few hours, the closure he had been chasing finally smiled down on him. He can finally rest, 11 months the journey had gone on for. The piercing cold of winter and the pouring rain sending yet another shiver down his spine for his damp jacket did naught to stop it.
Pulling his knees up to his chest, Bobby let himself shrinks in hope of warmth and in hope of relieving this feeling of being so small against this big, big world. As a billow of fog leaving his lips, before he could lose all hope of surviving the night, like dawn breaking, a flash of that old yellow cardigan wraps around his freezing body with the force of thousand suns. For a second he was hopeful, but before his heart could once more drag him down a path of self-destruction, Bobby laughs at his own delirium, reminding himself once more that he was truly alone. This warmth spreading through his body, the soft hand petting color gently back into his skin? They’re all fake, nothing but a last-ditch attempt to hold onto a happier time. Yet the weight of the old leather journal pressing into his chest, it feels so real… So, so real that he begins to accept the comforting scent of the old yellow cardigan.
“Y/n? What are you doing here?” It was only now that he sees the pair of feet standing before him, feeling the gentle heat lingering from your body emanating through the woven threads of the old cardigan.
“Read.”
There you are, standing in front of him panting hard, hand pressing onto your chest as if soothing away the burns in your lungs. He watches as your chest rise and fall rapidly, no closer to calming down your ragged breath. He thought about jumping to you, to comfort you but you repeat yourself, insisting once more.
“Read”
“What?” He gasps, stuns by your strange action but nonetheless compliant as his fingers grip tightly the worn-out cover of the book.
“Just read.”
Finally comprehending your cracking sentence, his hands flip through the pages, soaking in the familiarity he thought he would never again have the chance to see. Flipping fast through the page, his eyes searches for any differences in the entries. Pages pass before he lands on the date 02/14 in pink ink, a small heart in place of a normal ending period mark. Immediately, he recognizes the small piece of memory you taped onto the page - an old yellow piece of yarn matching the old yellow cardigan draping over his cold shoulders. Staring back up at your still redden face, whipped till painful by the gushing wind and rain, he sees something he didn’t see earlier… A small glint of hope behind your fluttering lashes behind those beautiful eyes. Returning his attention to the page, he lets himself look at the small lines of writing just below the piece of yarn, the small lines that he was too afraid to look at before now.
“You found me.
I love you, Bobby.”
You speak the words of your heart out loud, just as his lips mumble softly the words written on the page. Almost immediately he throws the journal onto the bench rushing forward to pull your shivering body into a hug so tight, he could feel his broken pieces healing. You could hear the desperation in his voice, the joy in his tears as he tucks his face into the crook of your neck whispering “I love you” over and over until he chokes on his tears. Shushing his pain away, you rub softly on the broad shoulder and strong back you wouldn’t mind supporting just like this for the rest of your life.
Parting way, he gazes into your eyes deeply and swear he could see universe shining from them. One peck, then two. Came three before he presses a lingering kiss on those lips he had wanted to touch with his own covetous ones all day long. Holding on tighter, you let him works you into a stupor before feeling his tongue meeting yours, gingerly playing chase. You giggle at the strange feeling but let him deepen the kiss into something fervent. You push him away for air only to have him crashing back with stronger desire and passion than before. Letting his fever wears itself out, you comb your fingers gingerly through his dampen hair, earning a soft satisfying moan from Bobby.
“Stay with me tonight?” You murmur against his lips, not really wanting to part way with them as your arms tighten their hold on him. “I don’t want you out here in the cold all alone. Come back to my place.”
“Only if you come home with me tomorrow.” He entangles his svelte fingers of his right hand into your hair supporting your head as he pushes his lips forward while the left tracing the dip of your spine down to the small of your back, flushing you impossibly close against his firm chest.
“Only if you promise to continue filling out the journal for me.” You tiptoe to land another soft kiss to his lips, eliciting a sweet smile.
“Only if you promise to be there when I fill them out.” He pecks your cheeks then nose, chuckling brightly when you scrunch your face up in protest of the wet kisses. Fervidity of the sudden love only burn brighter the longer you remain in his arm as he pulls you in for another passionate kiss.
His lips frown at the loss of you when you slowly back away from his needy body, craving for your scent, wanting to share the heat of your love. He looks at you with confusion and pain before your smile soothes it all away. Now with curiosity filling up his heart, he stares, watching your movement closely as it’s seems you’re pulling the long sleeve of your sweater up to reveal your hand. The most amazing smile graces you with its present the moment he realizes what you were doing. Hanging daintily on your wrist a small chain bracelet with a shiny silver bar etched with his name.
“You still have it.” He exclaims, pulling the sleeve of his own jacket away to show the matching one on his wrist.
“I never took it off.” You reply with a playful grin on your lips.
His hands near teleport over to cup both your cheek, crashing his lips messily into yours nearing topple you over onto the bench. You laugh at his silliness, something you’ve never gotten used to but had always love. He returns a giggle, glad it was right once more for him to be happy standing next to you.
“I love you, Bobby. I miss you so much.” You whisper against his blushing cheek, pressing a big kiss onto the soft burning skin.
“I miss you too, baby. You don’t even know how much I love you.” he returns the sentiment, nearly crushing your bones with his hug.
It might’ve started out as a best friend bracelet, something of a false couple item to ward off unwanted attention from girls. Those tokens of platonic love were now blooming in full like the buds of flowers bursting through with life after a long dormant winter holding onto to the hope of spring. The small simple bracelets with each other names etched on them had held you both over the long lonely winter of your hearts. Now, like a beacon of hope, they guide your love back to each other.
“I was hoping to see some stars tonight… Looks like it’s not happening with all this rain.” Bobby whispers softly against your cheek, lips gently pull back from a soft peck. The slight frown of his mouth combines with the pouty plump lower lip send you into a drunken haze. How could this be the same man, haughty under the boss’s suit you knew just before you left.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I can see at least one.” You quip, returning his kiss as his eyebrows furrow incredulously, eyes staring up at the sky full of dark clouds. He cranes his neck to the best of his ability to figure out where on Earth are you looking to see this star, completely missing your focus stare in his handsome visage.
“The brightest one of them all is standing right here in front of me.” You smirk playfully before reaching out for his hand, pulling him along, his laugh soundly rings out pushing away any last cloud of lingering sadness of the past.
The star of your night is back in your arms illuminating your life with love while the watchful satellite of his life is back into orbit doting over his every move. If someone had told either of you to believe in the power of love just a year ago, you both would’ve laugh in their face but now embracing the dawn of February 14th together on the platform of the train station, maybe it’s not so crazy after all to believe in a little bit of Cupid’s magic. You can only hope this bit of magic will last till the end of time but somehow you know even without it, you’ll both be fine.
Bringing this back because genuinely this is my most favorite thing I’ve ever written. I had so much fun writing this. I still go back to reread this till this day
-Just when Changbin needed you the most, he looked back only to realize he had already burned the bridge leading back to you.
-a/n: Am I posting too many angst + open ending combo? maybe i'm allergic to fluff, idk.
He knew he shouldn’t. Yet as the sound of the city grew deafening with each step he took, Changbin felt himself cracking a little bit more. His body carried him down a path far too familiar, though it had been weeks since he traversed its length. Breath exhaled heavily against the cold air of January, Changbin felt his body burning as if lava flowed through his veins. He clawed at his chest, clawed at his neck until the pale smooth skin turned red but there was no alleviating the itch beneath his skin. Panic had taken hold of his body, webbing its reach into every inch of his skin. Changbin felt like a madman with nothing left to lose, nothing left but one single utmost important mission – you.
The world had not been in his favor. It hadn’t been for a long time and in fact, Changbin could pinpoint exactly when he had fallen out of its favor. Life hadn’t been kind either for if it had, he wouldn’t be weaving through the lively path of a bustling city on a Friday night. Had life been unkind because that was just the nature of life, ever so fickle? Or had life been unkind because you were his whole world, and in every way possible, his world did not want to see him right now? Or perhaps ever.
His feet were steadfast yet his mind was moving in slow motion. His vision began to blur. Was it tears? Was it his brain succumbing to the many sleepless nights? Whatever it was, it didn’t help the man floating aimlessly in this ocean of pain as Changbin collided into a couple hovering beside a storefront. They were so nicely dressed, no doubt happy on a date, wonderfully in love, and so far in contrast to Changbin’s current state. As soon as they had steadied themselves, the boyfriend had Changbin by the collar, the other fist hanging in the air threateningly as his girlfriend begged him to let it go. Probably just a dumb drunk guy, she had whispered, eyes carefully studying the disheveled look of the large man barely holding on. They must have not been dating for long because the guy began to shout loudly and put on a show. He was shaking Changbin as more and more threats began to dirtied the air surrounding the scene. Now, any other day, this little encounter would have ended as soon as the guy had grabbed his collar. Changbin wasn’t one to back down from a fight, not when he knew there wasn’t a fight he couldn’t win. The snarl on the boyfriend’s lips, the way his eyes glossed over Changbin size as if calculating his chances… It wouldn’t even get that far. But tonight was anything but normal. Tonight, life had whittled him down to barely a shell of a person. So when his hand finally connected to the man that was slowly cowering, it lacked the ferocity he was used to. Though that didn’t mean Changbin didn’t send the poor guy flying with just one swift shove. The boyfriend landed on the ground hard, screaming and cursing but he knew it was best to stay down. After all, even as unfocused and dazed Changbin had been, even as uncalculated and careless as that shove had been, there was no denying the force that was behind it. His girlfriend lowered herself to help, though eyes were still very much on the zombie of a man stumbling into the crowd parting like the red sea. No one dared say or touch the gloomy cloud once more on his way toward sunshine.
Delirious eyes reddened, overworking to take in all the landmarks along the way. The bookstore, the bakery, the cute little cat statue in the flower bed by the convenience store… Changbin was operating purely on muscle memories as his brain was consumed by the need of you. He counted every single landmark you had pointed out after he had gotten lost a few to many times on his way over. Each one passing brought him closer to you, each one passing drove him a bit crazier. Feet moving far too fast now and he didn’t give a damn who he bumped into. Your words were echoing in his mind hauntingly yet like a life line reeling him back from the stormy sea of anxiety, of worthlessness, of everything bad in this world.
“Pinky promised me! Changbinnnn!”
Your voice like a hymn, heaven sent ringing out so clearly in his mind. Even the way you whined his name… Did you know he was absolutely weak for it, a goddamn loser at your beck and call every time you say his name so soft and sweet like that. Changbin wondered if you ever noticed the way he’d look at you every time you’d call for him, just how much he yearned for hearing his name falling from your pretty soft lips.
“If things ever get bad, even if you think it’s nothing, I need you to come talk to me. Anytime.”
“Even when I pissed you off?” He had teased you, fingers gripping at your hips sending you into a fit of ticklish laughter, turning bright red when you flailed right into his lap.
“Yes, Binnie. Especially when you royally pissed me off, I still want you to come to me.” You had pinched both his cheeks, gently guiding his head to nod yes. “I’d rather hold you while you cry than let you go through it all alone. I’d rather hurt my own feelings than knowing you’re struggling and I’m not there to help because God forbid if you do something stupid, I need to be there to remind you that you’re worth it. I said anytime, I mean anytime.”
He really had just meant it as a joke, how everyone had always teased him that his high energy self would wear you out one of these days. Yet as the entrance of your apartment slowly came into view, Changbin couldn’t help but replayed the disappointed look in your teary eyes the last time he had seen you. Suddenly he felt his heart heavy with the question of if you really meant it, when you had said anytime. Would you hate him for showing up after all he did? Would he be too crass if he asked you for a hug? Would you let him sleep over at your place, even if it was just on the floor in the living room?
As the familiar rows of cherry blossoms that were still barren from the frost of winter became clear, Changbin felt a weight lifted off his shoulders. A sigh of relief finally escaped. Like a sobering drunk, he ran across the courtyard, reckless abandon. His lips muttering your names over and over like a prayer. Changbin wondered if he was finally so sleep deprived that he had finally reached the delusional stage. His ears strained, there was no doubt that was your laughter. He wouldn’t mistake that beautiful sound for anything else in this world. It was ringing out so clear, crisp and sparkling against the freshly fallen snow. He searched the rows of dirty yellow streetlamps and snow covered bushes for any sign of his safe haven, eyes began stinging from the frigid air. Then, like the sweet relief of ice cold water on a hot summer day, you walked right into his view. You were just as beautiful as he remembered – cheeks rosy and hair a bit longer now. A gush of wind chased a giggle from your lips as you pretended to stumble from its strength, tugging your jacket closer to your face. Changbin found himself smiling alongside you, hypnotized by the way your eyes shined so brilliantly. Yet just as with anything else in his life the past few months, the second he felt the ghosting of salvation touching his skin, everything fell apart. He watched on, as a young man dressed up so nicely matching your outfit rounded the corner. The man was so beautiful that Changbin felt perverse for staring the way he had been. It felt illegal, like he was watching two angels dance amongst the snow. His smile was so warm like summer, soft freckles dotting his fair skin so beautifully. His hair a bright shade of fresh spring afternoon, pulled back neatly in a bun. He was staying so close to you, a hand on your back to steady your step. You both were laughing at something you had just said. You always said the silliest things but Changbin had always found it to be such a cute quirk. He had always pretended that you were only acting like that around him. The sudden reminder that your kind soul was being shared with everyone else plunged him into the depth of hell.
How could he be so foolish? What makes him think that you’d just sit around and wait for a loser like him to come around? You could do so much better than him. You deserved so much better than him. So against every fiber of his being fighting to move forward, Changbin began to step away. His eyes were still very much trained on you, not knowing when the next time he was able to see you so happy was. He didn’t want to waste this opportunity although he knew he should leave before he fully lost grip with reality. Hands once more clawing at his chest, Changbin felt like the Earth had opened up. That sinking feeling he had felt the entire way to your house was like a virus spreading, taking control of his body. Every molecule in his body felt like it was being pulled apart as pain worsened. For the second time that night, his body betrayed him. His feet had been moving with increasing speed yet his eyes were still on you. Disaster struck as he stumbled onto the curb of the path and crashed hard into the ground. Shit. Perhaps if he stayed still, you wouldn’t see him.
Too late.
As he stared up at the inky night sky, watched the snow descending slowly to cover his body, Changbin could hear you calling his name. You had crashed right beside his body, horror in your widened eyes as your hands worked quickly to check his body. You looked up at your beautiful companion, muttering a quick goodbye as he reluctantly walked off. Your lips were moving fast but Changbin heard nothing, a loud ringing tore through his senses. You struggled to pull him to sit up by his arm, nearly falling backward yourself. For the first time that night, Changbin’s reflex finally synced up as he reached out to catch you. The moment he felt your hand caressing his cheek, his vision went blur as he sat there paralyzed. Your touch was like a strong electric jolt shocking his nervous system, sending it into overdrive.
“Binnie, hey…” You were calling him. It was that same sweet, whiny call of his name that he had yearned for every night since you walked away. It was so soft, so delicate yet it had cut through the last bit of tightly wound string around his heart. Like a dam in a storm, Changbin broke down.
“I can’t take it anymore, Y/n…” That was all he needed to say before your arms already wrapped around his shivering body. Imagine that, a big strong man like himself sobbing like a tiny baby in your arms. He felt so vulnerable, so weak as you pulled his head onto your shoulder. The way he was so desperately gripping at your body, fingers digging into your jacket so harshly he could feel the softness of your body.
“Tell me. What’s bothering you?” You didn’t move, not when the snow began to fall harder, not when he nearly knocked you onto the ground as he sobbed.
“Everything is so wrong. I’m at my wits end and I have no one to turn to.” Loud sobs vibrating through the dark night, lost in the whistles of the wind. Your hand shoved roughly into his hair, fingers digging into his scalp the way he had loved so much. He asked you to do that often, unashamedly. Every time he had a long day, every time he worked out a bit too hard, you’d just sit there and massaged his scalp for as long as he wanted. Changbin couldn’t believe how much he took all your little sweet gestures for granted, as if he’d always have access to you.
“Sweetie…” You cooed against the shell of his ears, warmth tickling his skin. “You have me. I meant it when I told you I’ll always be here for you when life gets hard. Anytime means anytime.” The grip he had around your body could only be likened to that of someone that had just been pulled from death’s hold, desperate, fearful, thankful.
“I shouldn’t even be here. You deserve better than someone broken like me clinging onto you all the time. I tried really hard to stay away but I can’t, I need you.” You whispered for him to look at you but he didn’t have the courage to, so you let him stay in the crook of your neck.
“Changbin, you’re one of the kindest people I know. You might look at yourself and see just broken bits and pieces. When I look at you, I just see this incredible man that survived and put himself back together despite the world rooting against him. Sure the pieces don’t fit together quite perfectly, but they don’t really need to be perfect. You don’t have to forget about all the bad things that happened. The scars, the cracks in between the pieces of yourself remind you of how far you’ve come, of the hardship you overcame, of how much stronger you are as a person now. But that’s not to say that you can’t have a bad day. Everyone has moments when they feel like they’re at the bottom of the trenches and there was no way up. All you need is just a little help and that’s what I’m here for. I’m here to tell you that no matter what, you’re worth it. I’m here so that you don’t have to be strong and brave all the time. If you want to be vulnerable, if you want to be a baby, if you just want to lay there like a starfish and watch the world go by… I’ll be here to watch over you and keep you safe.”
Changbin finally found the courage to look at your face. He searched your eyes for the disappointment that had haunted his every waking minute but all he found was love. You looked at him with the same wonder and awe you had when he was at his highest, when he felt like he was on top of the world. Changbin didn’t know what had gotten into him but he leaned forward, so close he could feel your breath hitched in your throat. His gaze wandered between your eyes and your lips, silently, as if asking the question he couldn’t bring himself to say out loud. You didn’t pull away, head tilting just barely with a soft nod and that was all the confirmation he needed. Changbin leaned in, gentle but by no means lacking in intention. The moment your soft lips touched his, Changbin felt something inside himself breaking. He slid his hand onto the back of your neck, holding you close but not because he was scared you’d run away. He just needed to feel that you were really there, and that this wasn’t just a dream. When you felt him slowing out of hesitation, you nudged his nose with your own as if letting him know everything was still okay. His kiss was no longer gentle but it wasn’t quite rushed either. It was careful, intense. He was so fully lost in you. This was something he had wanted for so long but too much of a coward to do anything about. Then just as quick as he had leaned in, Changbin suddenly pulled away, panic once more took control of his body.
“Fuck, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have… I’m so sorry.” he muttered over and over again as if it was a spell that could take back all the shitty things he had said to you, as if it could take back what he just did.
“Hey, shhh, you’re okay.” You were pulling him close again. Why were you pulling him closer again? Changbin was confused but he was far more selfish. He made no attempt to fight you, not even a little bit as your hand went to the nape of his neck and held him in place.
“You were on a date. I’m so fucking sorry, Y/n.” Changbin truly felt like he was hanging on barely by a thread, reality distorting. He shook his head, doing his best to put distance between your bodies yet as strong as he was there was no help the way your arms held him so tightly.
“Date? Felix? That’s my cousin, Changbin. He just moved to the city so I was showing him around.” You muttered warmly against a gentle kiss you had just pressed onto his tears covered cheek. Your hand tangled deep in his soft, beautiful hair, gently grounding him to reality.
“Cousin?” For the first time ever Changbin flinched away from you, eyes searching to see if this was some sort of crazy prank.
Suddenly it made sense, the way he had found you both so breathtakingly beautiful, you must have been cut from the same cloth. The way both your smiles had nearly been identical as if chiselled by a master ancient Greek sculptor. The way you both had felt so much like sunshine and sunflower. Head hung low in embarrassment, Changbin couldn’t help but cursed himself for being such an idiot. Yet there was no helping the bit of happiness glowing deep in his chest. He couldn’t face you any longer, embarrassment, fear, everything was raging like a storm in his chest. His eyes befell onto the glistening snow as he did his best to avoid your eye contact. Then he saw it, the snow soaking your stocking that was slowly turning crimson from the cuts on your knees. He had been so careless, only worrying about himself and not realizing just how hard you had crashed onto the ground to catch him.
“Fuck, your knees….” Changbin rushed to swipe away the snow, strength finally finding its way back to his body at the sight of you hurt, nearly knocking you over.
“Oh, it’s fine.” You tried to stop his frantic hands. “Really, it’s just a couple small cuts. It’ll go away in no time.” There was no stopping the worried man.
“You’re bleeding, that’s not fine.” Before you could protest further, Changbin had already gotten up. You reached out your hand for support yet the next moment finding yourself being scooped up by the strong man. He stiffened the small surprise yelp falling from your lips with another kiss, whispering gently for you to stay when you pulled away.
“I’m supposed to be helping you right now… Not the other way around.” You quipped but that only earned you another kiss.
“Later. Let me take care of you first, okay? We’ll talk more, I promise. I just need a distraction from all the bad thoughts right now…” Changbin curled up his arms to hold you closer, nosing at your frost bitten cheek. The scent of your perfume filled him with a sense of ease. You were like a potion healing him with each second he get to hold you. For a moment he just stood there holding you in silence, eyes fluttering closed. For a short while both of you stayed there just enjoying each other’s presence, taking in each other’s warmth.
“Okay…” You finally whispered. Your arms tightened around his neck, head leaning in his chest listening to his heart beating wildly. Changbin didn’t need to be told twice before walking down the path far too familiar to your apartment.
Changbin tried his best to focus on walking down the icy path, a difficult task normally made so much harder by the way you were giggling into his chest after saying something silly. Changbin knew this was far from the happy ending he desperately set out tonight for. There was far too much that hadn't been said, far too much he hadn’t apologized for. Just because you kissed him doesn't mean that tomorrow was promised for him. In fact, this had only added a much more complicated question to everything else he needed to answer. Just for tonight, Changbin will be selfish with your attention. He’d soak up all the love you’ll give him and heal before embarking on the next chapter with you no matter how hard it might be.
-Jihoon thought he did what was best for you, so why did it feel like the world was ending.
-a/n: I miss Woozi sm bro idek what to do
You always knew when he leaves, he’d leave without a trace. It was the harsh reality you were well aware of but never thought it would happen to you. Though deep down, you knew nothing in this world could have ever prepared you well enough for the day Lee Jihoon actually left…
Darkness swallowed you up just as it had your source of light and happiness the day he had walked away. You could no longer tell when it was day and when it was night. The curtains to your bedroom permanently closed as you couldn’t bear facing another passing day. Your life became a big blur fueled only by muscle memory. Wakeup, work, home, maybe eat, sleep, repeat. Your body moved through the motions but your mind didn’t command it to. As you laid here on your sixth week of being abandoned, somehow the retina burning brightness of your screen didn’t hurt as much as the unchanging date that read “June 10, 2025” on his last post. Your thumb scrolled mindlessly, refreshing his profile over and over as if another post would magically pop up if you scrolled hard enough. Your eyes began to water. Another day passing meant another day had gone without even a single crumb from the man you gave your heart and soul to for the past 5 years. He had quit you cold turkey and there was nothing you could do to change it.
Jihoon had always been a private person. He preferred to love you in the little things he does daily. He never felt the need to show the world the sweet gestures and loving words he showered you with every waking second. His love was meant for you, and you alone… Jihoon meant that in every possible way of the world. Despite the endless beautiful lyrics written about you, for you, being played over speaker at nearly every cafe in the country, his love made you feel like you and him were the only souls in this world. You never minded that. You didn’t need anyone else to know how much you love him and how much he loves you… Loved you. Even before you had shared one heartbeat, he was never one to post much anywhere. He only had one social media account out of work obligations, and work was the only thing he posted about. You remembered how frustrated you had been when this great love of yours was barely a crush so long ago when your childhood friend, Seungcheol, introduced you to his college friends. It didn't take long for you and Jihoon to get close. You were both similar in so many ways and being with each other was truly effortless. You had been so excited when he took the initiative to follow you first only to realize that the only crumbs you’d ever get of him were from the glimpses in the background of his friends’ posts. Even after you became his girlfriend, his account remained strictly business with nothing but album covers and release dates. He was never shy to tell people that you were his great love and sang your praises any chance he’d get. He made it a point to let you know he would never hide you from the world, talked about you all the time and to anyone that was willing to listen. Everyone knew you were his girlfriend, his one and only. Even on the rare occasion he’d post a story of some work event he’d dragged you to, there would only be glimpses of your hand, the back of your hair, a closeup of your features. Always with the caption “my love”.
As you continued to scroll through his account, cover art after cover art, it finally hit you – Jihoon was gone and to you, he was Woozi now. You were nothing more than another fan, another stranger admiring him from afar. You didn’t get to know the little intimate details of his life anymore. He was gone and there wasn’t a damn thing you could do to satisfy the insatiable yearning you had for him. The tears you thought had been emptied after the fourth week had passed suddenly flowed uncontrollably, like a broken dam during a storm. He was gone and you were left behind without a single physical trace to let you know that Lee Jihoon was indeed a real person, and not just the perfect man your deluded lonely mind had dreamt up. You became acutely aware of the emptiness he left behind and it was a vast emptiness. He had stopped sharing his location the moment he walked out of your apartment for the last time into the darkness of the cold night. His clothes were gone from your closet, his mugs from your cupboard, his guitar from your living room, his car from your garage the day before that.
You stared up at the room barely visible, blurry from tears, trying to recall where all his things had been but your mind was in a jumble. Each day passing meant another day without making new memories of him, another day the memory of Jihoon you had made was slowly being worn out. You found yourself getting angry more often now for not being able to recall things he did and said. The fear that one day you’ll forget what he looked like, what he sounded was slowly becoming reality. Now, that fear was mingling with a new fear. The fear that you'll never get to know what he’ll look like, what he’ll sound like in the future. It was slowly engulfing you in its nauseating hold. They both tangled up in a nightmarish dance that you couldn’t escape and it left you choking in your own emotions.
You were no longer important to Lee Jihoon.
By the 3rd month of being alone, you found comfort in not knowing. Perhaps it was better off that you didn’t know. It made moving on easier… not that you had moved on. You didn’t know how long it would take you to move on from Jihoon, but it would definitely be more months than you could count on your hands. There were days still, where you laid in your own despair, scrolling aimlessly hoping to catch a glimpse of that beautiful smile in someone else’s background. Then there were days where you were just content, and random reminders of him would just make you smile. They made you happy even, that you got a chance to love Jihoon. It didn’t hurt to hear his name anymore. It used to cut deep when he would come up in conversation, made worse when you can see the hesitation in your mutual friends’ features after realizing they had just muttered his name casually. You’d smile, telling them it was okay and that he wasn’t some big villain that can no longer be mentioned around you. Reality? It fucking hurt. Like rubbing salt into your tattered heart but you shouldered it all. Why? Because that was the only way you got to know any detail about him now. For months no one would bring him up, not even a fleeting mention of what he was doing or if anyone had even checked in on whether he was doing okay. Your heart was slowly shriveling up, parched for any drop of Jihoon but no one was willing to give into your desperation. You loved them for trying their best to protect you, but the you of the past were angry from the lack of acknowledgement that you were once important to Jihoon. You felt like a sobering drug addict, desperate and painful. Though now that the dark cloud had cleared and you had a better view of the near future, you were grateful for your friends. They knew moving on would never be possible if you were hanging onto every thread connecting your life and his.
Eventually you stopped thinking about him every waking minute of your day. Mentions of him were now becoming just a casual update, it made you smile hearing his name but it was like seeing a butterfly fluttering by. It’d catch your attention, you’d smile at it, then that was all, you’d continue on with your daily life. Then came a time when you stopped thinking about him in your dreams. No longer did you awaken in cold sweat at the realization that the beautiful dream of Jihoon waiting at the end of the aisle was nothing more than a figment of your aching imagination. You slept through the night now. Your days gone on as it had been before he left. You worked, you went out with friends, you hung out with your family. Though each of those things happened more frequently than it had been for the emptiness he left behind was still vast. You re-learned how to be alone, how to be content being alone.
You didn’t know when but came too, the day where his song no longer brought you pain. The first time you had heard a song he produced played over the intercom of the supermarket was around the first month after the breakup. You were finally accepting the grim reality that greeted you everyday and that no matter how bad things were, you had to eat to survive. It had taken you nearly an hour of staring at your front door before you were brave enough to pull over a jacket and head to the local market. It was 30 minutes into your little trip and 10 minutes into you staring aimlessly at the endless rows of instant ramen that your ears had registered the familiar sound. It was the song he was working on just a few months before, the last one you got the privilege of listening straight from the source. Without knowing, your eyes began to pour. A few alarming customers nearby checked in to see if you were alright. When you ignored them all and began to sob loudly, they walked away with their head hanging low in pity. You abandoned the basket half full and rushed out the door. Your throat constricted from the lack of oxygen, from the lack of Jihoon. You considered the worst option, then broke down in shame. Millions of people had gone through breakups before, evidenced in the millions of songs about heart break. You felt so pathetic for not even being able to handle something as simple as this. You didn’t think you could go on another day living life when Woozi was one of the hottest producers and it was nearly impossible to avoid hearing his song. You didn’t think it was possible but his songs now made you happy. You were happy for his success although you still couldn’t bring yourself to play his songs intentionally in your own personal space. Whenever you’d catch a glimpse of his song in public, you’d just silently wished him the best as you hummed along.
By six months starting, you finally began to breathe normally. No longer did your chest feel heavy in the quiet moments of the day or the low moments of the weekends. Once or twice,you found yourself mindlessly getting on the train toward his studio on Friday nights. It was a routine that you kept for as long as you were with him. No work on Saturday meant you were able to sit with him in his studio for as long as his genius mind was at work. You’d just sit silently in the corner, listening in while reading a book. Sometimes you’d be typing away on your laptop while he scribbled messily in his notebook. It was always a quiet Friday evening staying in but it was always content, it was always cozy. On days when he finished early, you’d both head home together for an anime night in and cuddling. It was your favorite kind of silence, and so was his. You didn’t need to do everything together but there was a mutual understanding that you had to be in the same room together. Once or twice, you found yourself standing outside the building and staring up at his studio’s window. The light would be on and you imagined the beautiful lyrics that were pouring out onto paper in silence as the bustling world slowly came alive on a Friday night. You’d smile to yourself before turning on your heels and heading home. You were starting to find comfort in Jihoon’s song once again. No, not the official version being sung by some famous names. You found comfort in the demos he had sent you, where his voice was so angelic it made you forget you no longer have access to this part of his life. You’d play it when you were cooking, when you were reading, and sometimes when you were falling asleep. The official versions were beautiful, of course. After all, it was produced by Lee Jihoon, one of the best of the best. Yet there was something so cosmic in the demos sung by Jihoon. His voice transcended some of the best in the business. Sometimes you wished he’d put out his own song and blessed the world with his vocal. Yet times like this, when you lay awake staring at the night sky restless but content, you were happy to be the only fan that was special enough to get access to this version of Jihoon.
You finally accepted your fate. You were no longer important to Jihoon and that was okay.
You could only hope he held the memories he had made with you as dearly as you did. And that some day when he looked back on the wonderful years together, it would make him smile. As the 6th month of this new chapter of your life was coming to a close, you finally felt like it was possible to move on. You still didn’t know why he had walked away. You had forgotten just how cold Jihoon could be when he decided he no longer wanted someone in his life. Now and then you’d pondered the reasons, wondered what you did, how you could have missed all the signs. It no longer hurt like it once did, just gentle aching like pressing on an old bruise that was nearly healed. You tried not to dwelled on the how and why even if your curious mind was screaming for answers for so long. Jihoon always had reasons for everything he does and somehow in your warped mind, you believed he had a reason for walking away the way he did.
“I don’t love you anymore…”
That was the only thing he had offered you that painful night. There was no explanation, no begging, no justification. He stood in silence and watched you cry. Then he muttered a low reminder to stay hydrated and eat the meal he had left in your kitchen before walking out the door forever. Maybe some day in the future when you both have healed, when you both can look at each other and see nothing but beautiful distant memories… Maybe then he’ll give you your closure. For now, you were okay with not knowing because not knowing made moving on possible. For now, not knowing preserved the beautiful man that was your heart and soul for five heavenly years the way you wanted to remember him.
Yet life had a funny way of reminding you of how chaotic it could be. Just when Jihoon was finally beginning to be just another person existing in the same city, the universe served you with the biggest reminder that he was still very much in your life. You had gotten home from a long day of work, take-out dangling from your arm as you juggled with your bag and the mails you had just collected. The menu for the night? A giant plate of pasta and the thousandth re-watched of Stardust. Yet as you began to shuffle through the thick stacks of mails you had forgotten about the entire week, the air stiffened around you. A pink envelope, dainty little flowers surrounding the beautiful script that read “The Kwon”. You had forgotten all about it, Soonyoung had been engaged not long before the night your relationship ended. You’ve been so busy picking yourself up from the ground that you had forgoed all your friendships, and they all understood. After all, many times now they all had predicted it was you and Jihoon that would be the next. Jihoon had been so happy seeing his best friend finally settling down, fake grimacing about how they had beaten him and yourself at walking down the aisle. Soonyoung had asked you to help out with planning the wedding. Well, his partner had begged you to help out of fear of a tiger themed wedding. You had laughed, promising you’d be there as moral and physical support if the word “tiger” even came up in the planning process. You had felt so guilty for not showing up when they had invited you to dinner but you just couldn’t physically bring yourself to face the forever happiness of someone else in the light of your own ending. They both had understood it, telling you to take as much time as you need, not really knowing you were slowly disappearing from their friend group. They all had texted and called to check in when you finally stopped showing up all together, accepting that perhaps from now on this might be the only way they’d have contact with you now. You didn't want them to have to choose between hanging out with Jihoon or hanging out with you. So you made the decision for them. Your phone dinged with the kind of timing that could only be explained by higher power. Soonyoung had texted you simply “Please don’t feel pressure to come. We understand. Let’s hang out after our honeymoon, yea?”. Your eyes glanced at the text that felt far too much like a warning, full of hesitation and foreboding.
Life had a funny way of reminding you how chaotic it could be as your eyes scanned over the invitation – Best man: Lee Jihoon.
“Fuck…”
Take-out abandoned. You threw your bag haphazardly on the ground and went too, the thick stack of mails you no longer had interest in reading. The jacket that was half way off your body pulled right back over your shoulders as you dialed your best friend. You hadn’t even bothered with turning off the light as you walked right back out the door you had just entered through. Tears welled up in your eyes as your steps heavy, echoing through the hallway and for the first time this week you thought of him. Did it feel like this too when Jihoon had walked away that night, the very same path you were traipsing through? You need a night out, liquid courage or whatever else it would take for you to be brave enough to send in the RSVP that read only your name.
You weren’t ready to face the reality that you were no longer his permanent plus one... Actually, you weren't ready to face the reality that someone else might now be his plus one.
