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[fy-wonwoo]

260604 dk_is_dokyeom: i’ve always wanted to wear school uniforms and go to an amusement park so thank you members, and i’m so glad we had fun and didn’t fight, i love you ㅋㅋㅋㅋ let’s come back here with woozi hyung (৹ᵒ̴̶̷᷄﹏ᵒ̴̶̷᷅৹) monthly meeting done ˘͈ᵕ˘͈

[ikonislife]

Crying, throwing up. 12/13. i miss Woozi

[ikonislife]

Abs or Biceps

-S.Coups (Seungcheol) x Reader

-A nonsense question left you both facing your feelings. (Silly little one shot for my #1 man)

-a/n: Sorry for being so late with Woozi pt. 2, I had finals. I'm 90% done with it but there was one part I wasn't happy with so I'm currently rewriting that bit. Here's a silly little drabble to tide you over until then.

I love this man sm, fr fr

“Abs or biceps?” 

The answer should’ve been simple. Given the 2 choices, it should’ve been so simple for you to just blindly pick one. Yet here you sat, stunned, staring at your best friend who was as nonchalant as when he had plopped down on your bed hours ago. You found yourself stammering, the answer choking in your throat. 

“Oh, come on. It shouldn’t be that hard to choose.” Seungcheol finally spared you a glance, intrigue at the sudden silence. Or rather the lack of protest against him asking you yet another frivolous question. 

“I- I don’t know. You asked out of nowhere, I didn’t have time to think about it.” The answer that had just left your lips was about as convincing as snow in August. You knew it. He knew it. Shit, you were in trouble now. 

“What is there to think about? It’s a simple question, Y/n. Abs or biceps? You’re telling me in all your hormonal teenage years and lonely college nights until now, you’ve never thought about it?” He hadn’t even looked at you once even though it was your room he had barged in, your bed he had made his home for hours. Suddenly all his attention was on you, eyes scanning the way your skin slowly began to glow red, the way your gaze couldn’t remain in one place. 

“Ew, don’t talk about my hormones… or my lonely nights. And why are you suddenly so interested in my preference anyways?” So you did the only thing you knew best, pretend irritation vexed on your features as you swatted him away. Seungcheol had sat up now, the bunny plushie he had gifted you for your 7th birthday securely snugged in his lap. 

“I’m not… It’s just something I saw online.” Oh how the table had turned as it was now his smooth, tan skin that was beginning to glow red. His eyes were everywhere but on you, no doubt regretting this little inquiry he had started. 

“Right… Well, I’m still not telling you.” You quipped, returning your attention to the art project you had spent hours fixing on your tablet all because you forgot to switch to a new layer. 

“Why not?” You didn’t have to look to know exactly what kind of look your dear best friend had on his face this very second. That whiny tone and the way he had huffed, no doubt that adorable pout was on his lips. Not that you’d ever let Seungcheol know that you found his pout cute, or that a sulky Choi Seungcheol was your most favorite version of him in the world. 

“Because… It’s kind of weird to talk to you about those things.” It was true. He might have no boundaries on all the gross boy things he blurted out in front of you but that didn’t mean you didn’t. There were just certain things you’d rather die than tell Seungcheol. 

“You talk to your girls about these kinds of things, don’t you?” He sat there in silent, bated breaths until you finally hummed a simple yes in response. “Are you really saying you’re closer to other people than me? Your best friend of your whole life?” That damn whiny tone, why did he have to use that voice on you. 

“I’m not saying that, Cheollie. It’s just… hard to talk about this specific thing with you.” The more you exasperated, the more whiny Seungcheol got. There was no way he’d let you off the hook this time. If there was one thing he was good at, it was being persistent and really annoying when he wanted to. Suddenly all the questions about your plan for the day made sense. He knew he had you trapped, you had nowhere to be but here. Whatever game he was playing today, he had you right where he wanted. 

“Fine… I’ll drop it…” Seungcheol muttered lowly, a heavy sigh left his lips as he flopped right back down onto your bed. That was strangely… easy? You never knew Seugcheol to just drop a topic once he had cling onto it. If there was one thing you knew for certain about your best friend, it was that he was a stage 5 clinger. This has begun as just a dumb question to pass the time, but why did he sound so disappointed. Since when was this little silly topic meant so much to him? Well, colored you intrigued.

“Are you sulking, Mr. Choi.” You teased, not because you were in the mood to set him off or anything. You teased him to buy time to prepare for what was about to come out of your mouth. 

“Don’t call me that. Make me sound so old.” Right, you really ticked him off now. 

“Cheollie…” You called gently to no reply, uncomfortable silence began to fill the space between you and him. “Do you want to know the answer I’d give any random guy or…”

“Or?” He feigned disinterest, eyes glued to the screen of missed calls he had been pretending to busily scrolled through for the last minute or so. 

“Or do you want to know the answer I’d give you?” There it was, you got him. The way he had shot up so fast from where he had been playing a dried up starfish should be in some sort of record book. 

“Me… Obviously… But I wouldn’t mind knowing what you’d tell some random guy either.” He stated matter of factly, as if this whole thing didn’t start off as some ridiculous thing he had seen on the internet. 

“If it was just a random guy, I’d say biceps.” The shit-eating grin that had just bloomed on his lips reminded you of just why you were so envied by so many girls in high school. If there was a second thing you knew about your best friend, it was that he had the fucking physique of a Greek God. There was no denying just how handsome he was. Beyond that, he knew how to carry himself. Just cocky enough to draw every girl and guy his way, but in a very self assuring way to not come off as a jerk. The deadliest part? Seungcheol was never afraid to be silly, to be sensitive when he needed to be. He wasn’t shy about showing just how in touch with his emotions he was. When he decided to give someone his attention, thunder could strike him and he'd still be 100% attentive.  But that doesn’t mean he didn't walked around flexing his stupidly perfect muscles as if it was currency. He was a guy after all and he was definitely rich in muscles, especially biceps. Most definitely biceps. “Don’t! I can feel your smirk from here.” And he was damn proud of his muscles.

“Okay, okay… I’ll stop.” There was no stopping this man, even as he promised to stop you could still feel the wide smile in his tone. “What about if it was me?” 

“Well, if it was you…” You swallowed hard and the air shifted. No longer was there a touch of playfulness in the way he looked at you. Seungcheol was teetering on the edge of your bed, though this time he was unusually still. His gaze was so sharp, so focus that you could feel the hair on your neck raising. A chill ran down your spine with the way he studied your every movement. “I’d say your dimples, your smile, your voice, your bare face, your…” You were losing your confidence fast. Why you had decided to be so brutally honest, you didn’t even know yourself. He had already given up. Sure you'd have to deal with a sulky large man, but it wasn't like he didn't sulk every other hour. By the way your best friend had nearly teleported just to sit right beside yourself when he failed to get you to look his way, he too was surprised at your honesty. 

“My what…” He pressed. Seungcheol was so close you could feel the warmth of his breathing gently fanning your skin. He smelled so goddamn amazing and this very moment, you were dizzy. Dizzy from how intoxicating his scent was, dizzy from how close his face was to yours, dizzy from your confession. Your words and thoughts were all jumbled up, dancing in your mind so you shut your eyes to hide just how flustered he has made you. 

“Look at me.” He didn't demand, he didn't ask. The way he had whispered those words was so gentle, almost as if he was begging you to. So you obeyed, staring deep into those beautiful eyes. “Finish what you were going to say”. For just a moment, his eyes flickered down to your lips, leaving you both needy for his attention but also wanting him to cross every boundary of your friendship. 

“Your humor. Your kindness. Your selflessness…” The rest of your list was swallowed up in the kiss he had just pressed to your lips. Funny how many times you had imagined those plush lips on yours, how amazing it would feel to be kissed by the one and only Choi Seungcheol. The moment you face him, all your courage would be lost. You’d feel guilty, so guilty for thinking of your best friend in such a sinful way when he probably didn’t even think of you in that way. Melting into his touches now, it was so much better than anything your wildest dream. He was so gentle, yet behind each turn of his head, each bite of your lips there was such intention. It was as if he too had been wanting this for as long as you had. He left you breathless. Even as his neediness had mellowed out, Seungcheol couldn’t stop pressing chaste kisses all over your features, anywhere he could reach without breaking away from the hug he had you in. 

“You mean it?” You searched his eyes for any sign that this was just a game, some kind of misunderstanding but all you found was an ocean of warmth and love. He stared at you, just as he had so many times before but this time there was something freeing, something uninhibited. 

“Hmm, all of it and a lot more.” When he finally settled down beside you with his arms wrapped entirely around your body, it felt like home. You had always belonged in his arms but it was so much more than that now. 

“How come you never told me?” He whispered against your forehead where he had began to kiss you endlessly.

“Because I was afraid of how you would react… I didn’t think you felt like this.”  Letting your head rest on his chest, you couldn’t help but smile at how wildly his heart was beating. “So, was this the answer you were looking for?”

“I didn’t think you’d be so honest, but I’m glad you were.” You craned your neck to look at the shy blush rosying his cheeks but he only pulled you right back onto his chest. “I was just hoping you’d say enough for me to have the courage to confess to you, but this was so much better.” 

Who would’ve thought a silly little question would’ve landed you your dream man.

[xlovteez]

HONGJOONG for SINGLES MAGAZINE

[ikonislife]

My Star, My Man.

 - Bobby x Reader

- Angst, Fluff

- In his quest to fix the biggest mistake of his life, Bobby discovers his true self. This new found understanding guide him to see life the way you do, leaving him falling in love with you more and more as he’s getting closer to reaching his end destination. You.

- Masterlist

- I Don’t Love You by Urban Zapaka

- Don’t be Happy by M.C the Max

- Galaxy by BolBBalgan4 (turn on cc for lyrics translation)

There was a point in time when Bobby finds the ear-piercing whistle of the trains blaring pass endearing…Endearing in a sense that it could still drowns out even the loudest, most excruciating of screams. That was of course when he was fresh on this journey and the pain of disappointment was something raw, something new. Not to say that the aching of his heart now was any less raw than it had been, callus wasn’t something heartbreak knew. 

Nowadays, it seems as though his brain had finally committed the bellowing of the locomotive to memories as even that couldn’t drown out the frustrated howling of his weary mind. As he lets the weight of the long trip sunk onto the worn-out wooden bench by the now empty train track, desolation chipped away yet another corner of his jagged heart, leaving the fragment to wither away into ashes. Just a moments ago, all his hope and dream of a happy ending were shredded to bits by the wavering voices of the old couple whom were landlord to the humble home boding the address he had so excitedly scribbled on a torn piece of paper just a week ago.

“She hasn’t been back for days. I’m sorry, child. You’re too late.” The old woman had said as the old man shook his head in regret, they felt for him as they too went through many heartbreaks before finding solace and love one another.

That little piece of crumbled up paper that had held Bobby’s heart and soul, the one he had hung onto so desperately as if a lifeline guiding him back ashore was now falling out of his limp fingers as emptiness washed over everything… A feeling he, unfortunately, was all too familiar with at this point. 

He had been searching for a glimpse of that smile, the familiar soft features in the passing crowds for so long he had lost counts of the weeks or was it months now. He wouldn’t want to turn into one of those insufferable parents that refer to their child in months even though it’s just as easy to say 2 years as it is 24 months. 

Now typically, Bobby wouldn’t be so down on himself at every shake of the head and whisper of “No, i haven’t seen her”. Sure, he’d be weighed down with disappointment and a few sighs would accompany his heavy steps, but he’d just simply move onto the next lead. This time, it really struck quite close to his heart because he almost had you, so close he could almost pick out that delectable scent of freesia mingling with pear still lingering about the old room you had occupied. It was too much, the sadness was almost too much for his feeble heart to handle, as if a river after a long rainstorm, threatening to spill over the banks any second now, washing away everything precious along its destructive path.

He almost had you.

A sudden urge to punch himself risen within his soul the longer he remained in this old town. Had he not decided to squeeze in that last project, had he just left when his assistant bolted into his room with the most hopeful expression on his face. It was just one tiny contract, one last one before taking the much-needed time off to reunite with your lovely face. But none of that matter anymore, because here he sat all alone on this worn out wooden bench by the train track. Perhaps this very second you too were on some other worn out wooden bench at some other train track far away from here, completely unaware of the man chasing your shadow. 

Despite the sorrow plaguing his heart, Bobby couldn’t help but let himself immersed in the place that had taken your breath away, at the very least, intrigued you enough to remained here for so long. As he took the long way back toward the train station, having bid adieu to the kind souls that had let him wallow in shame and in the weight of his failure on their front porch for as long as he needed, Bobby took in the gentle scenery of this old town. He thought of the wooden gate and how in the few minutes it had taken the old couple to answer his question, it had transformed significantly. 

The very first moment he had laid his eyes on the home number proudly displayed right beside it, that wooden gate had held so much hope and happiness. One swing and he’d be reunited with you, just one swing and he could enter the home where his entire heart laid despite never before having been here… One swing too, was all it took for it to morph into a painful reminder of how late he was and how for so long, you had passed through it without fail, days in, days out. It was mere days, just days and you were once more out of his grasp, swallowed up by this big wide world without a trace, not even a hint for his poor broken heart to follow. That was the bitter reality, he was always far too late. There was a lesson to be learn and he had unfortunately, learned it the hardest way. Even now, even as the silent promises of finding you, of never again letting you go or letting anything get in the way of his heart chiming loud… he still did just that. He let the world and its need get in the way of reuniting and he paid dearly for it.

As his footsteps echoed into nothingness, the couple’s words replaying in his mind over and over again until the words themselves began to lose meaning. Halting just by the edge of the road with nothing to stop travelers from taking a plunge down a steep cliff but a series of wooden fencing precariously hanging on for dear life, Bobby gazed up at the calm blue sky above and took it all in. His hand traveled up to cover the crescents of his eyes shying away from the bright crisp sun, a small smile formed on his lips as he studied all the things wonderful about this place. 

The image of you strolling along the coastline of this small fishing village on the way to the market projected right onto the landscape like some crazy hologram show, smile bright on your pink lips, almost as if challenging the harsh sea air bitter with salt that seems to wear everything down.

Not you.

Bobby truly believes there’s nothing in this world that could ever wear down that favorite smile of his. His steps continued, following your transparent figment of his imagination trekking right by his side, humming to that song you love so much. He had made the mistake of telling you all too bluntly exactly just how annoying it was, the incessant humming and how it had stuck in his head all those sleepless nights. All it took was one sentence, just once and from there on out, never again did he hear your soft voice dancing along with the tune. How he wished to have you sauntering right by his side humming it now, then maybe, maybe he can finally join in with the jolly tune even if the raspy of his voice would completely ruin the harmony.

Not too far down the road, a small flower field caught Bobby’s eyes and he thought of your fondness for the colorful dainty thing. His heart creaked under a heartfelt grin blooming on his lips recalling his inability to understand why you love flowers so much, as they seemed so fleeting. There was no denying its beauty yet in such short amount of time, that glamour just withered away into nothingness. He questioned so many times why you couldn’t be more like the typical girls he encountered, sharing a love for jewelry, diamonds, gems, clothes. Or for God’s sake even those stupid little stickers you seemed to put everywhere; Even once he found a dainty little orange paper bunny sticker, tucked away so far from the line of sight for anyone to see but perfectly in his view right on his work desk. His first reaction was of course anger… How could you be playing around in a place where solemnity was required of everyone, the place that had proven times and times again the pen is mightier than swords. Yet as he reached those svelte fingers to peel away at the fragile thing, suddenly his heart ached for you, for the moments of the past when money and power weren’t placed above everything else, when they weren’t the invisible wall separating you and him. So ,he left it there, a corner of the right ear missing but nevertheless still very much strongly adhere to the dark oak desk. These days, that little bunny served as a reminder of his end goal, of the smile that was still keeping his heart running. It reminded him that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and all this pain, all the sleepless aching nights were only temporary.

Any of the above would last so much longer, some even withstand the test of time but you love flowers best… You love it with all your heart and never once did he bother to give you, even just a single stem, he might never again have the chance to…

Watching the way they danced so softly with the wind against the silent only the countryside could offers, something sparked inside his heart. He was mesmerized by its fragility. Yet even as easily bruised as they were, the dainty little things stand proud against the wind, the sea, even strong enough to thrive through the cracks in the asphalt of the old road, painting the world with its vibrancy. 

Flowers possessed the amazing ability to convey a feeling, to coax emotions out of the world that so cruelly cut them down for the sole purpose of pleasing itself aesthetically. They sacrificed so much to please the unpleasantness, to soothe away pain, and cheer along the happiness of the world… What do they get in return? Once those brilliant colors began to fade and no longer could they hold themselves tall, they’d get toss away without a second thought. 

You’re a flower.

In many ways, you were the most dainty, fragile, and precious thing in his heart and he wanted nothing more than to protect you from the viciousness of the world. Yet your vivaciousness and fiery passion had always set his world ablaze, leaving him utterly breathless at points from how much such you could achieve. 

You’re the best kind of flower…his flower.

You had been there for him since day one, since before the fancy job and the fancy title, before he could command the world to move with just words. You didn’t care that his bank account had but $11 in it or that the collar of his shirt had begun to discolor. You were there and you listened to his pain when no one else would. Even when success meant that he’d share laughter of joy with someone else, share the happiest moments of his life with people he knew for the entirety of a few weeks because his new life, his new world was one you didn’t belong to… At the end of the day, you were still there for his sorrow and not once did you ask for anything in return but to remain by his side. You were the best therapist that no money could get yet all he ever done was hurt you. He was the world that cut its own flower down, a flower that had done nothing wrong aside from being friend with a contemptible asshole. 

As Bobby perused the endless swaying sea of colors, he spotted a small flower bent from the wind, barely hanging on and found a small smile bloomed on his lips. He whispered a small thank you to the dainty thing before gently ending its misery. A small leather-bound journal retrieved from his backpack, Bobby let his fingers ran through the pages filled with messy scribbles and all dated carefully. He gingerly placed the tiny flower onto the next blank page before taping it down, jotting a small “1/30, I finally understood flowers″ just beside the town name. 

“My flower, when will you let me see your brilliant, exuberant self again? I miss you. I had thought I would be hugging you by the night end, but I guess I missed my chance again. What else is new right? Always ignorant of your pain and only pay attention when it’s too late. What can I do but push through and pray for a better day. I know I will have you back with me soon enough.” he jotted quickly before closing the journal to hasten toward the station as he felt the rising of emotions choking his breaths. 

Loneliness was something he looked down upon, contemptuous, and misjudged of just how powerful it could be. A single tear slips down the skin of his cheek, pale from winter’s cruel breeze before the soft sweater paw wiped it away in a haste, not wanting to give into recent memories. If he succumbs to loneliness now, all he had done would be for naught. A forced smile lingers on his lips, a small attempt to scare away the sadness of his heart as the sleeve that had been shielding his hand away from the cold begins to peel backward. There sat on his boney wriest, a small silver bar so pretty in the embrace of a small chain, the sight of its engraving alone could lure out the most genuine grin, something he thought had lost the second you left. His soul slowly regained its liveliness as his thumb gently petting over the prettiest name in existent, hope painting color over the dejection in those sharp brown eyes. Once again Bobby settled back into the creaking bench as he awaited the arriving of his long ride home, recent conversation haunting his mind.

“You’re that boy…” The landlord’s voice albeit weak was slowly filling with joy as his memory permitted him to recall the familiar face. Although this face was much wearier than the one had been wearing the cheerful smile the old man had seen, he was certain Bobby was the one. The confusion played clearly on Bobby’s face as he quirked an eyebrow in surprise.

“How… You know me, sir?” He asked but was almost too scare of the answer, fearing bad reputation could lead them into lying to him.

“Yea. I’ve seen your picture in her room when we collected the rent. Honey, you remember?” He looked over to his wife, a flash of uncertainty dashed across the wrinkles around her kind eyes before they lit up so brightly it gave Bobby hope.

“Right. She had pictures of you in her room. If I remember correctly, one of it was you and her by the beach. The other one you were smiling but wasn’t looking at the camera. I asked her who you were and she said someone very important to her heart… What was that she called you?” She trained her gaze back to Bobby’s face once more, this time with the utmost carefulness in studying the handsome features and soft brown locks of hair. “Yes, I’m sure. It’s you, although you were a bit chubbier then.” A small chuckle left her lips as it did her husband’s, they both exchanged bits of concern of just how worn Bobby had looked, noting he must take care of himself if he hopes to ever make you happy again.

As the conversation grew long, more and more details about your short-lived adventure in this town painted a clear picture of everything in Bobby’s mind from when you had arrived till the day you left. They spoke fondly of your kind smile and sweet personality, even the sorrow lurking beneath the surface in the quiet moments of day. Then revealed too was your strange habit of gazing at the ocean even though times and times again the most painful sigh would leave your lips at the sight of young couples sauntering pass. They were curious, what sadness did you go through to bear such sorrow watching others’ happiness, yet you still insisted upon visiting the beach so often. 

“It was once my favorite place, I go there often with my star… But my star no longer shines for me the way he used to do so I’m sad.”

It was like God given salvation for his dying heart. A smile he didn’t know he still had bloomed upon the dry lips - genuine and pure. You kept his pictures, he was still yours… he was still yours even if you had made the most devastating mistake of all - he still very much shined for you, wanting, needing to shine brighter than ever for his flower. 

“My star.” He murmurs over and over. He was still in your heart. 

… Yet just beneath it all, distress and the worst kind of sadness ran amok at the thought of you suffering, enduring the happiness of other just for a glimpse of what could’ve been your own. 

As the sun sets over the small train station, Bobby felt the closing of yet another eventful chapter in this small saga of you and him, all his curiosity put to sleep, all aside one. You have always had a knack for photography, the countless amazing photos decking the living room of his home all by your talented eyes. These pictures the old couple had spoken off, the memories of the day they had been taken fresh in his mind as if it was just yesterday. Yet he wished with all his heart he had a chance to see them, all amazing no doubt about that.

The first had been from a happier time before money and power had changed Bobby into this person he despised. The constant pressure of being perfect, being someone that wasn’t entirely himself had always eaten away at his soul, chipping at his heart for far too long and you knew it. Just mere days before you left that Bobby had the last drop that spilled the cup, work abandoned and before he even knew what he had done, his car parked in front of your house and an invitation to the nearest beach had been sent to your phone. 

He was still in his constricting suit, angry at lack of effort by his subordinate, stressed from the seemingly poisonous love life that brought him nothing but a cheating ex and a gold digger for a date. You had sat there with your toes in the sand, huddling close to his side under a big blanket hiding away from the frost of late winter, listening to him complain about anything and everything. You never said much, in fact you said nothing at all… just listen as him ranted, with that kind and understanding expression you always wore. You let him take all the frustration out on you despite deserving none of it, then offered wise words when he was ready. 

His personal therapist, punching bag, and shoulder to cry on, you were everything and he took you as nothing. Oh, if you could see the guilt ravaging every fiber of his being now, would you laugh at him for finally realizing he had taken you for granted far too late? Would you laugh if you see just how pathetic he had become, all alone without a single soul to spill his heart to, not the way you did, not with his best interest in mind.

It took Bobby nearly too long to recall the memory attached to the second photograph before realizing he has absolutely no idea when you had taken it. Only then did he recalled your love of capturing candid moments of life. He never understood your fascination of capturing his unprepared moments until a few months after you left. He had found a polaroid, worn at the edge and a bit yellow from his carelessness. It was so long ago he couldn’t quite narrow down which birthday it had been. A mutual friend had slyly slipped the small thing into his pocket with a teasing wink, and the most curious whisper “you’re one lucky dude. Keep this close.” Now that he really thought about it, perhaps it had been “keep her close” but Bobby was too enthralled in another face he could no longer recalled to realized. He couldn’t remember anything except how absolutely stunning you had looked, way too beautiful for his dumb young self. 

How could he had been so stupid that he couldn’t recognize what he had right by his side. You weren’t looking at the camera but rather lovingly at him. A smile delicate on your lips as you listened to him talk, probably complaining about something. Since then, candid had become his most favorite kind of photo of you. He’d spent hours searching through all the albums to pick out glimpses of you in the background. He smiled at the memories. The same smile he was now sporting letting his finger tracing out the small curves and bents of your name etched permanently onto the shiny band worn on his wrist.

“I’m coming for you, Y/n. Wait for me, okay?”

He whispered affectionately before pushing himself off the worn out wooden bench by the tracks with almost a spring to his steps as he walks off into the distant, one step closer to bringing you home. After spending all his time searching aimlessly, snatching up any clues he has about your whereabout no matter how insignificant, he was finally on the right track. You were here, and now so was he.

Another two weeks had past before a knock came upon the grand wooden doors of his office. Expecting another report or files, he spared no glance and simply raised his hand up expecting a folder to be place in his grasp. What slid between his fingers left his soul leaping from his chest. It was small, glossy on one side and much too thin to be a folder. He froze. Slowly lowering the object down onto the table, his breath hitched as if all the oxygen had just up and left the room leaving him suffocating. Another piece of paper with trails of ants liked typing neatly laid onto his desk. He whispered a small thank you to the man he now realized is the private investigator he had hired before dismissing him. This was a private moment he’d like to have on his own.

The small picture showed you basking in the bright sun of yet another small town. Your hair shorter than what he remembered but still just as shiny and amazing. Your smile although not as brilliant as he had last seen it by the beach, it was much happier than the one he had seen the last time before you disappeared.

“Y/n ah…”

He whispered desperately, hoping you’d somehow hear him through the portal of the small photograph. His attention turned back to the other piece of paper with the details of your possible whereabout. Clutching both tightly in his hands, he stormed off before his assistant could even fathom what kind of uproar was brewing in his boss’s mind currently.

There he goes, on another train but heart already there. This time heading toward a small farming town. He had heard you spoken about this town many times before but never once think twice about the significant of it. You had lamented over riding down the small river under the tunnel of cherry blossom trees before heading off to the strawberry farm for a snack or two. He had promised you he’d take you when he’s free but once again, he was always too forgetful, too busy to fulfill his side of the deal. He could see so clearly now the disappointment in your eyes you used to hide so well until times and times again the false promises continued to fall, until you could no longer hide the sadness of unfulfilled words. The disappointment that he should’ve fix instead of brushing it off as another one of your ridiculous antic. How he wishes now to hear your small little whines of disappointment when he says he’s too busy.  

It’s only the 2nd week of February, off season for the small town that thrives upon the love of spring. The entire train cart empty, leaving Bobby alone with his thought. Back leaning against the wall and feet rest upon the long bench lacks of any other soul, Bobby smiles at the way your cheeks softly glow under the playful sun. You were still wearing that old yellow cardigan he bought you so long ago before he became too busy with work, before the extravagant social dinners took him away from your cheap take-out weekly nights in with Netflix. Although he had bought you better and nicer thing, you still prefer that old cheap yellow cardigan over things worth hundreds, maybe even thousands. His heart elates at the simplicity that is your present in his life. Staring out the window racing by hour after hour of greenery dormant in the cold winter, he lets dream soars free amongst the cloud as his eyes flutter shut for another nap.

“I don’t love you.”

Not really sure where to start or even how or what to say, Bobby had stood still after blurting out his reply. He let the awkward silent that used to be non-existent between the two of you sunk in for the very first time in all the years you’ve known each other. The utterance of those three simple yet powerful words from your mouth had knocked him off his game.

“I just don’t see you that way… but you probably knew that.”

He said once again, not really bothered much that tears were welling in those beautiful eyes. A small smile creeps onto those quivering dismal lips of yours as your head dropped low.

“I know.”

You breathed almost too painfully as you know none of this really hurt his heart, not in the way you wanted it to.

“I can’t give you a reason why. There’s no other reason why we can’t happen. I won’t say I’m sorry or ask you to forgive me because it is what it is. This is just what I feel… I don’t love you. I feel like if i say those things, it’d just be pitying you for falling in love with the wrong person. There’s nothing wrong with falling in love. It’s just… sometimes… falling in love is the most damaging thing you can do to yourself.”

He stood there, watched you cried but not once did his heart waver. He watched as the sleeves of your old worn out yellow cardigan got soaked in tear before you gave a weary smile, turning away. Little did he know then that this would be the last time he sees you because you knew you had to go away. You knew he didn’t love you. You knew you needed closure. You knew you needed to move on. Taking a few steps forward, you stopped then turn around to look at him one last time. He still stood there silently, so perfect in his suit and tie watching you walk away.

“Thank you.”

You mustered up your best smile before stepping off into nothingness once again. You were done. He let you go. You can move on. You hadn’t even wish for him to regret his words and run off after you. He doesn’t love you. You accepted that.

Awaken screaming your name, Bobby sits up in a haste staring around trying to decipher his surrounding. His bleeding heart calms down once the soft soothing clacking of the wheels against the track reminds him of his destination, of you. He had grew content with the sound of train in his quest to search for you. In his mind, it’s the sound of progress. Every time he hears the sound, body swaying with the cart, he knew he’s one step closer to you… Or at least eliminated one more place that doesn’t have you. Without even knowing, tears flood his eyes of the haunting memory. He didn’t love you. He really didn’t, so why did it hurt so much after the 3rd month without seeing your face. That slow burning turned intense by the end of the 4th month. When your birthday had come and gone in the most disturbing serene, peaceful way possible… The pain had swell like a volcano awaiting its eruption, unbearable.  Sitting alone in his room, he sang happy birthday in tear before collapsing onto the ground over the realization of what he had done.

He loves you.

Letting his eyes close once more after checking to see there was another 45 minutes left to the journey. He knows he’d need all his strength once he gets to the station.

Breathing in the fresh air of the countryside, Bobby grins thinking of the way you fawned over this place. He can see why now. The air seems almost mellow as are the clouds sauntering above in the blue sky. Bowing to the station’s guard, he sets on his way toward the small convenient store visible in the corner of your photo. His note recounted the serendipitous meeting that had the investigator randomly stumbled upon your photo in a photo gallery of an up and coming photographer. She was known to take candid shots of people living their daily life, in their most natural unfiltered state. He pulled all the string he could to get the photographer to reveal your location but fearful of what kind of creep would stalk her subjects, the kind photographer keeps a tight lips. 

It wasn’t until 2 nights later when the investigator showed up once again with Bobby in tow, hands clutching tightly onto an old album. She had gave him half an hour to convince her why she should reveal her secrets and in the private of the back room behind the main showroom, Bobby told her the cliff note version of the magnificent light you had brought into his life. Letting the photographer sifted through the old album, he hoped for the best and with a painful heart as he recalled the last time he saw you. Completely honest with the stranger about his stupidity, his pride, and his biggest mistake of letting you walk away. After the dust had settled, she stood up, thanked him for his honesty and simply said they’ll be in touch. It wasn’t even a day later when the investigator had showed up in his office with the picture personally printed by the photographer.

Standing in front of the old store now, Bobby holds up the picture to match the background perfectly. He flips the picture over to reveal a few sentences scribbled by the photographer telling him she thinks you’re no longer in this town. When she had met you, you told her you were passing by, a wanderer of some sort living out your dream of traveling. She had thought it was so odd for you to visit such a small town, albeit being popular in spring season, it wasn’t a town people would just know about without doing some research.

“She told me there’s something about these small quaint towns that’s so simple and satisfyingly perfect. People doesn’t have much but what they do, they worked hard for and appreciate it with all their heart and soul. That’s something big cities and tourist traps don’t have. Funny you had mentioned her love of taking photo when you’re not paying attention. She had only agreed on letting me take this picture if I can capture it without her knowing. To be frank, if you hadn’t mention that little bit, I would’ve never let you know where she is.”

Bobby reads the sentences out loud, he could almost hear the slight giggle in your voice when you get passionate about something. His heart smiles at how familiar you still feel even when the world had changed, he had changed. Although you were no longer here, he was told there’s someone that might know where you were heading to next. Pushing his way into the small store, he lets the small clear chime of the door bell rings out the hope he wears on his sleeves that someone here knows where the owner of his heart is.

Opening his journal one more time, he presses a small leaf into the page noting 2/12 next to it before putting it away with a soft sigh. Pulling your picture out of the overstuff backpack, he smooths out the wrinkled corners before tucking into the bottom of the cold window against the glass pane of yet another train leaving the creaky wooden bench by the tracks of the last station. He watches as the sunset on another day before whispering a goodnight to you, thumb tracing the line of your face letting the comfort of your smile lulls him to sleep.

It was 7AM when Bobby had arrived at the next station. Sitting on another wooden bench by the track, he watches the warming sun pushing its way through another morning just as he’s pushing through another day closer to you. It was much too early to be out searching for you. Perhaps closer to lunch, he’d have better luck with the hungry horde out searching for something to stuff themselves full. As the thought of lunch drifts by, his stomach growls in protest of skipping dinner last night to make the last train out.

Wandering into town, Bobby gotten himself a bag full of kimbab rolls to go as he meander to the far ends of the station. When the train had slowed down enough preparing to pull into the station, he had spotted a field full of plum blossom trees so pristine and white they put fresh snow of December to shame. Settles on a large stump underneath a dense patch of blossoms, he lets himself sink into the dreamy sight as he replenish himself with energy for another long day of searching. He wonders if you had sat here also, on this very stump and dazed off into your own world. 

Often in the past he’d find you lazily gaze into the distant and he’d tease you for being so sleepy all the time. Then as the weight of the world grew, he grew frustrated at your indolent way, the lethargic expression you’d wear when you knew he was tearing his hair out from overworked, overstressed. He had taken it out on you like a fool. How he wishes now you’d be here lazily gaze into the distant with him while enjoying a snack.

He now knows, regrettably too late, you weren’t lazy nor sleepy. You were infatuated with the way nature threads itself into the busy life of people that neglects it. Forgotten that once these concrete jungles were filled with the wonders of plants and simpler things in life. You had always know how take time to appreciate the silent life in the background of your normal bustling one. If only he had learned your way sooner, then maybe he wouldn’t be so insufferable to everyone around him, maybe you’d still be here.

It’s astounding how you continue to change the way he views life even without being here. This crazy yet amazing journey you had sent him on guide him closer to the path of understanding himself. Being a young boss, he had lost that innocent of not worrying, of letting loose, of just taking a breather once in awhile. The various destinations you had set foot on, even the one you didn’t but he couldn’t leave any stone unturned, each and every one of them soothes his aching heart a bit more. They taught him to appreciate things as they come. 

He had thought this quest of searching for you would be a long and treacherous one and it was. The first two town he visited, he took planes then cars, whizzing by the life that went on outside the windows, oblivious of the wonders these small towns hold. After the 2nd time met with shaking of heads and whisper of you were never there in the first place, he ran off in a fit of anger. He had ran so far he wasn’t sure if he was even still in the same town. Letting himself slumped over onto a big boulder, he had cried. Cried until he couldn’t cry anymore, and it hit him, the way the ripple of waves glisten under the sun, the way the tree line mirrored so perfectly atop the peaceful lake top. For the first time in months he felt at ease. That night he decided to take the train back to the city and the rest was history.

He had sat with the night guard laughing all nights about the craziest thing that happened at the 4th town you visited. He had comforted a kid that lost his mom while pushing through the busy aisle of an open air market of a false lead not too long after. He couldn’t believe the sights, the smells, the sounds as he held onto the kid dragging him around to find his mom. He had anonymously donated a large sum to an old couple he found crying after the bank tried to seize their house as collateral for their youngest son’s mistake. Their other kids were barely making enough to support themselves, unable to help out their parents. He watched the shame in the oldest son’s eyes as he knew he would never make enough to carry his young brother’s debt. 

Bobby realized that there’s much worse pain, struggle so trying he couldn’t even fathom how people make it through another day. People suffers through much tougher situations than what he goes through in his lavish life. Yet, they’re so content, so generous with what little they got. He learned to see life through your eyes, to see the goods in people, to not always get stuck on the bad things in hindsight. He had wonder how you could always smile. Even when he yelled at you, disappointed you, took his anger out on you… You were still smiling just the same and readily forgave him for everything. He had learned your simple way of life had brought you happiness beyond anything Bobby could ever even began to think of. 

He had learned that he’s falling in love with you more and more everyday as he sees life the same way you do. What will he do when he reaches the end of the road and everything falls apart, he doesn’t know. For now, the journey itself is gratifying enough to carry him another day. For now, he wishes for nothing but to see you again even if it’s just for a second. 

As the last piece of food travels down to its resting place, Bobby stands up and heads out into town once more. Picture in hand, he had walked all afternoon and yet no one recognize you. Heaving a small laugh, he shakes a fist to encourage himself to go on. This was nothing new. He used to get sad, dispirited every time someone says no but now, he learned to persevere. Most importantly, he learned that the only way he’ll have a bad day would be if he lets it get that way.

He pushes on and before he realizes, it’s already time for another sunset. He’d have to find a place to hang his hat soon. Quickening his steps, he hopes to check a few more places before tucking out for the night when a sound barely in the range of his hearing stops him in his track. It’s a giggle. A sweet, sweet giggle that he had thought he’d never hear again. Too afraid to turn around fearing that if he looks, the owner of the giggle would somehow change into someone else, so he stands and listens for a bit longer. There it was again, this time accompany by the voice he grew to love. He’s sure this time.

“Goodnight, I’ll see you tomorrow.” The voice says.

Tears stream down his face on their own accord as he spins around to meet your smiling face, eyes twinkles under the reddening sky. You were speaking to an older gentleman holding a bag of things in your hand, shoulders cover by that old yellow cardigan.

He found you.

You hadn’t notice him at first, still too busy chatting away, smiling but then just as you step toward the 5 ways cross road, the biggest one of this town, he stands there crying. Your polite smile drops into something feeble, gentler. Bobby was still stuck in playing the whole scene out in slow motion when you step toward him, calling his name. He reaches up to poke your face with his index half expecting for you to just dissipates with the last rays of sunshine. His small action earned a smile and a scrunch of your nose. His hand clasp tight over his mouth still gapes open from shock as he cries.

He found you.

You both stand there, perfectly in the center of the biggest intersection of town staring at each other. It wasn’t until a small delivery scooter zooms past cussing at both of you for being stupid enough to stand in the middle of the intersection that he snaps out of his daydream with a chuckle. Pulling on his arm, you drag him to the safety of a sidewalk before he finally speaks.

“Y/n… I found you.”

Sitting down by the edge of an empty bridge that hovers over the river that runs through the far side of town now, you both share a content silent. It’s so different than the last time you had share with him a moment of quietness. You stare at the boy you had left behind, see the slight change in the way he smiles, the way his eyes gaze upon the small fish fighting the current. It’s almost as though he’s seeing what you’re seeing. Although unsure why, your heart is happy at the possibility.

“How are you?” You break the silent, fearing it’d turn sour if you let it goes any longer. Bobby was never one to find solace in the peaceful quiet nooks of life.

“Better.”

He answers almost too quick to which you answer with a small hum.

“I mean, I understand things about myself now that I’d never dream of a year ago.” He laughs nervously, debating whether it’s too much to tell you he’s a changed man. “I think I finally understand you better.”

“That’s good. I always thought I come off as a little kooky in your eyes.”

You smile and it does something to his heart. The same something that could be liken to quenching the thirst of a wilting plant. Your heart shaken, clearly registering how much your simple smile affects his heart. The same shaken that could be liken to a small tremble of the Earth.

“You came this far, I’m assuming you have things you want to say?”

“I honestly don’t know where to start.” He regrets not planning this out better. “I had set out with the simple goal of finding you. I didn’t know for what or if you really wanted me to or not but… I wanted it.”

You whisper a sadden “oh” in response. You’re happy to see him, that much you know. Yet there’s another part of your heart that screams the cold words he had said, the icy stares he gave… He broke your heart but you never really blamed him for it. It wasn’t his fault you fell for the impossible man. You had half hoped he’d find you but what’s the point to go back to the days of hiding your feelings. Even now, sitting here, he’s still impossible. Where’s the crisp suit and impeccably styled hair? Where’s the cold Bobby that only smile around you? This boy here, he’s not Bobby but he’s still is, very much so. It’s like the inner child you had longed for finally broke free. You hadn’t seen Bobby so relax since the first day he closed the doors of that enormously lonely office. Yet here he sits, not barking order, not fidgeting even a little bit over just sitting here doing nothing. He wears a pair of black ripped jeans, simple white t-shirt hiding under a thick grey hoodie, thumbs hanging precariously on the straps of his overstuffed backpack, legs dangling over the side of the bridge, swinging back and forth, pleased with the scenery.

“You know what’s surprising? Somehow in this whirlwind crazy road trip of mine, I found myself while searching for you.”

The most luminescent glint of happiness shines in his kind eyes as he recalls the people he met, the things he done, the places he visits. He talks about the feeling of facing the impossible of life and the joy of just helping someone out. Even though in the grand scale of life, his action probably didn’t matter much but to that person, he could feel the way his small gesture changed the way they see life. How eventually it became his mission to help the people he meets see joy in living another day. You had listened and he had talked all the way until the darkness washes over the town. Getting up now, he walks close by still fearing you’re just a ghost that would vanish if he breaches some set radius. There’s still so much he needs to say, so much more and he suspects you have a few things of your own. Panic stricken over the soft smile as he watched you walked off, unsure of what to do. Was he crossing the line speaking to you as if no time had passed, as if he hadn’t hurt you in the worst way possible? He could feel the tears pricking before you turned around humming the softest “you comin’?”, easing all the fear in his heart away like the many dawn he had watched breaking the cold of night away. Staring at your hair swaying gently with each step, he wishes he could reach out and laces his fingers through the strands just as he did so many times before.

“Sometimes I wonder why love is so hard. I see people break up over and over again and I thought, does this sadness ever end? How do I cope with these things?”

He speaks with an air of nonchalant, as if he knows the answer but needed for someone else to say it. Crickets had begun to sing in the field of corn lining the small road leading back to your temporary home. He soaks in the sweetness of the air and the crisp note of something that’s so unique to the countryside.

“It’ll go away after a while.” You sigh, almost letting your bleeding heart spills into the air. “the pain, the tears… It goes away, you know. People learn eventually that letting go because sometimes that’s love.” How stupid were you to think he wouldn’t bring this up as you fight the tear and the wounds he reopened just by facing you. Your slight sadness not miss by the attentive boy following your steps closely. He wishes he could just reach out and pull you into his arm and rubs your back gingerly until he dispels all your pain.

“I thought that it’ll be alright if I can just find you, that I’ll have time to tell you this but…” You peek over to see him smile at the sky above, eyes forlorn, longing to join the stars blinking above. “… I realize my time is running out soon so. Y/n?”

His handsome features face you with that unsettling calmness that you had the day you confessed to him. You were calm because you knew the answer you were expecting, is it the same for him? Once he was sure your attention completely his, he smiles but somehow it doesn’t ease your unnerving heart as it used to.

“I love you.”

Your feet stop themselves as your eyes widen at the utterance of those three simple yet powerful words. The rush of the crush that turned into first love blinded you in a flood of emotions. All the ones you hidden and all the ones that were rejected. Glimpses of happy time, glimpses of watching him with someone else, glimpses of his cold expression that day gush out like a broken dam drowning you. In the complete silent of the countryside night, Bobby told you he loves you.

“You can’t do that, Bobby. You can’t just show up one day and say you love me… No.”

Your stammer of confusion was shut down by another smile, this one perhaps a bit sadder than the last.

“Don’t say anything for now… It’s one last favor I want to ask of you, just listen like you used to.”

You nod slowly and he continues to walk prompting you to take the lead as he has no idea where his feet are carrying him to.

“Don’t be happy. It sounds stupid doesn’t it? How selfish of me.” He laughs, not because the words that was coming out of his lips were funny nor did you told a joke. He laughs, just to laugh away how much this hurt. “I don’t want you to be happy. The second you try to be happy again then I know you had forgotten about me. For a while now it hurt to just breathe knowing you were out there somewhere hurt over something I said stupidly and carelessly. It’s been hell living because I realized too late that I was too busy to know my own heart.”

He continues to walk, following your steps closely, eyes fixate on the old oversized yellow cardigan he bought you. You had already lost control of your tear by this point, but the sobs haven’t yet settled in. You let the tear flows freely as you can feel his gaze on you, watching your every move. If you wipe your eyes, he’d know.

“Don’t love, Y/n. If it’s not me who can be with you till the end of time, please… Don’t love. I know I sound so incredibly stupid, changing my mind like a fool. I turned you away then to only chase after you. Even now, I’m not even sure if I should be doing this… I told you to find someone better, someone good but now, my heart ache at my own words. I’m trying so hard to hold on. If I could,”

His words lost in his throat as the sobs he suppressed begins to sting its way out chasing your own to do the same.

“If I could somehow remember that place, that time I lost you… Maybe, do you…” He laughs again, dejection weaves itself into every breath he heaves heavily as if he already knows what you’d say, “Do you think I could find us again like I did this afternoon?”

As if the sky had answered your prayer, the softest touches of rain tickle your skin, hiding the pearls welling in your eyes so perfectly. You spin around to find Bobby had stopped, just a few feet away from where you stand. You let yourself sigh the last bit of your love away.

“We never were, Bobby. I don’t think you can find someone in a place that never existed.”

As if the cloud he loves had answered his prayer, the heavy downpour hides his gasp for air and the sobs so perfectly with its pitter patter. He had turned away with a sadden smile just as you did at the beginning of it all, whispering a small thank you before walking away. Your mind races thousands of miles, deciding if you should let him know it’s okay if he wants to continue searching for you but in the end, no voice came out, and your feet didn’t move. You stand there watching him disappearing into the night knowing this might be the very last time you’ll see him ever again.

It’s 3AM now and you’re no closer to dreamland than you were standing in the rain watching Bobby go. Tossing in your bed, you couldn’t get the smile and the way his breathless “I found you” rings out so endearingly against the loneliness of your own journey. His genuine happiness tugs hard at your heart. Pushing sleep off, you kick off the cover to your warm bed heading out to the front porch to watch the cleansing of another day. Tomorrow, the Earth will twinkle and shine in the light of the sun as if no pain had happened the day before. Everything will continue.

You creak the door open and take in a breath of the cold air wafting around the wide-open space. You stare at that road you know would lead to Bobby before letting your eyes falter to the wooden panes of the old porch debating the rise and fall of letting yourself succumb to the calling of his heart. Under the soft glow of the light shining through the doorway, you spot a small object neatly laid like a present. There it was. The leather-bound journal you had momentarily laid eyes upon earlier when Bobby dug through his backpack searching for his wallet. Faster than light, you pick up the damp book hoping the rain hadn’t damage it too much before retreating back to warmth of cracking fireplace in the living room.

The very first page is mostly blank, water had already permeated through the corner of the page leaving it wrinkles. You huff and puff, hoping to dry out the smearing inks. He had put too much work into this for you to let it rot and waste away in the carelessness of your heart. In the middle of the page however, that writing… You’d recognize that writing anywhere.

“To my beautiful Y/n” It says.

It’s only the first page and he already have you sinking in heartache. This was going to be a long read. To your surprise, there isn’t much writing as there is a mishmash of trinkets illustrating his long journey. The very first entry dated 3/19 with nothing else except for an old picture of you and him in high school. It was a polaroid taken just before his birthday dinner sophomore year. Your finger traces out the small line of that smile and those loving crescent eyes. Just like the first, entries after entries dated carefully and flourishes with details as he got comfortable with admitting his feelings down onto paper. Some have leaf taped on them, some dried up flowers, others a small doodle or a heartfelt line if he’s having a particularly bad day. Your aching soul smiles at the simple phrases, messages sent by his soul. “i miss you” and “I love you” litter the pages along with heartfelt sentiments that transcend any words or things of this realm. You could feel yourself melt under the intensity of his love. You let your heart soar along his at the small picture of the cloud floating by his train cart then cry at the details of his profound sadness over losing a few pages of the journal one careless drunken night. Soon an hour had past and you’re finally caught up with the last entry dating 2/13.

In the middle of the page, a fresh innocently white plum blossom he had picked up while having lunch by the station. A small doodle of what supposed to be a cat right next to the soft petals with the small caption “I saw a cute cat today. He lets me pet him after eating 3 of my kimbab pieces.” The first genuine laugh you have in over a year was over a stupid doodle of a cat that managed to con him for food by being cute.

This page, unlike many before it, is fill with lines upon lines of writing so much so that he almost ran out of space.

“I know it was stupid to ask you not to love. I just wanted to hear myself say it at least once before I could let you go. I thought if you struggled as much as I did, couldn’t we just reconnect? I know it’s selfish. I know it’s not healthy, wrong even to hold onto things that should be let go but I had to… I needed to see you one last time. I love you. I wish I have more time to say it properly but alas, I was already racing against the hands of the clock the second I set out on this journey. Someday, I know a very good person will come along and take you away. Honestly, as I’m writing this, I’m already envious of whoever that is. He’d get to see your amazing smile every day, hear your silly jokes, bask in your sunshine, sway along to the small songs you hum. Most of all, he gets to love you knowing you love him too. He gets to miss you, and have you miss him. I love you. I know no matter how much I say those three words now that it wouldn’t matter. Now that I can no longer hear your voice or have the privilege of knowing you love me … I’m lost. 

Don’t be sad. It’s okay, I will be okay eventually. I just hope you’ll be able to say it again soon with the person that will make you happy. Laugh and be happy. I will look at our love as if it’s just put on hold… at least until I can make sense of everything. I hope you’re okay with that. I made the biggest mistake of my life and now I will live with the consequences of it. I want you to know that you had guide me through this insane journey of self-discovering and I want to thank you for that. I love you.”

Ink smears in places you know the rain hadn’t kiss. His heart poured out onto a few simple lines that you couldn’t help but unlock the cage of your heart, letting it free.

Once more Bobby makes acquaintance with another worn out wooden bench by the train tracks… The very last time he’ll rest his weary soul on one. Even though there was no stopping the tears silently rolling down his cheeks, the only thing offering him a bit of warmth on this cold lonely night, Bobby feels light. He found you, he really did and even if it was only for a few hours, the closure he had been chasing finally smiled down on him. He can finally rest, 11 months the journey had gone on for. The piercing cold of winter and the pouring rain sending yet another shiver down his spine for his damp jacket did naught to stop it. 

Pulling his knees up to his chest, Bobby let himself shrinks in hope of warmth and in hope of relieving this feeling of being so small against this big, big world. As a billow of fog leaving his lips, before he could lose all hope of surviving the night, like dawn breaking, a flash of that old yellow cardigan wraps around his freezing body with the force of thousand suns. For a second he was hopeful, but before his heart could once more drag him down a path of self-destruction, Bobby laughs at his own delirium, reminding himself once more that he was truly alone. This warmth spreading through his body, the soft hand petting color gently back into his skin? They’re all fake, nothing but a last-ditch attempt to hold onto a happier time.  Yet the weight of the old leather journal pressing into his chest, it feels so real… So, so real that he begins to accept the comforting scent of the old yellow cardigan.

 “Y/n? What are you doing here?” It was only now that he sees the pair of feet standing before him, feeling the gentle heat lingering from your body emanating through the woven threads of the old cardigan. 

“Read.”

There you are, standing in front of him panting hard, hand pressing onto your chest as if soothing away the burns in your lungs. He watches as your chest rise and fall rapidly, no closer to calming down your ragged breath. He thought about jumping to you, to comfort you but you repeat yourself, insisting once more.

“Read”

“What?” He gasps, stuns by your strange action but nonetheless compliant as his fingers grip tightly the worn-out cover of the book.

“Just read.”

Finally comprehending your cracking sentence, his hands flip through the pages, soaking in the familiarity he thought he would never again have the chance to see. Flipping fast through the page, his eyes searches for any differences in the entries. Pages pass before he lands on the date 02/14 in pink ink, a small heart in place of a normal ending period mark. Immediately, he recognizes the small piece of memory you taped onto the page - an old yellow piece of yarn matching the old yellow cardigan draping over his cold shoulders. Staring back up at your still redden face, whipped till painful by the gushing wind and rain, he sees something he didn’t see earlier… A small glint of hope behind your fluttering lashes behind those beautiful eyes. Returning his attention to the page, he lets himself look at the small lines of writing just below the piece of yarn, the small lines that he was too afraid to look at before now.

“You found me.

I love you, Bobby.”

You speak the words of your heart out loud, just as his lips mumble softly the words written on the page. Almost immediately he throws the journal onto the bench rushing forward to pull your shivering body into a hug so tight, he could feel his broken pieces healing. You could hear the desperation in his voice, the joy in his tears as he tucks his face into the crook of your neck whispering “I love you” over and over until he chokes on his tears. Shushing his pain away, you rub softly on the broad shoulder and strong back you wouldn’t mind supporting just like this for the rest of your life.

Parting way, he gazes into your eyes deeply and swear he could see universe shining from them. One peck, then two. Came three before he presses a lingering kiss on those lips he had wanted to touch with his own covetous ones all day long. Holding on tighter, you let him works you into a stupor before feeling his tongue meeting yours, gingerly playing chase. You giggle at the strange feeling but let him deepen the kiss into something fervent. You push him away for air only to have him crashing back with stronger desire and passion than before. Letting his fever wears itself out, you comb your fingers gingerly through his dampen hair, earning a soft satisfying moan from Bobby.

“Stay with me tonight?” You murmur against his lips, not really wanting to part way with them as your arms tighten their hold on him. “I don’t want you out here in the cold all alone. Come back to my place.”

“Only if you come home with me tomorrow.” He entangles his svelte fingers of his right hand into your hair supporting your head as he pushes his lips forward while the left tracing the dip of your spine down to the small of your back, flushing you impossibly close against his firm chest.

“Only if you promise to continue filling out the journal for me.” You tiptoe to land another soft kiss to his lips, eliciting a sweet smile.

“Only if you promise to be there when I fill them out.” He pecks your cheeks then nose, chuckling brightly when you scrunch your face up in protest of the wet kisses. Fervidity of the sudden love only burn brighter the longer you remain in his arm as he pulls you in for another passionate kiss.

His lips frown at the loss of you when you slowly back away from his needy body, craving for your scent, wanting to share the heat of your love. He looks at you with confusion and pain before your smile soothes it all away. Now with curiosity filling up his heart, he stares, watching your movement closely as it’s seems you’re pulling the long sleeve of your sweater up to reveal your hand. The most amazing smile graces you with its present the moment he realizes what you were doing. Hanging daintily on your wrist a small chain bracelet with a shiny silver bar etched with his name.

“You still have it.” He exclaims, pulling the sleeve of his own jacket away to show the matching one on his wrist.

“I never took it off.” You reply with a playful grin on your lips.

His hands near teleport over to cup both your cheek, crashing his lips messily into yours nearing topple you over onto the bench. You laugh at his silliness, something you’ve never gotten used to but had always love. He returns a giggle, glad it was right once more for him to be happy standing next to you.

“I love you, Bobby. I miss you so much.” You whisper against his blushing cheek, pressing a big kiss onto the soft burning skin.

“I miss you too, baby. You don’t even know how much I love you.” he returns the sentiment, nearly crushing your bones with his hug.

It might’ve started out as a best friend bracelet, something of a false couple item to ward off unwanted attention from girls. Those tokens of platonic love were now blooming in full like the buds of flowers bursting through with life after a long dormant winter holding onto to the hope of spring. The small simple bracelets with each other names etched on them had held you both over the long lonely winter of your hearts. Now, like a beacon of hope, they guide your love back to each other.

“I was hoping to see some stars tonight… Looks like it’s not happening with all this rain.” Bobby whispers softly against your cheek, lips gently pull back from a soft peck. The slight frown of his mouth combines with the pouty plump lower lip send you into a drunken haze. How could this be the same man, haughty under the boss’s suit you knew just before you left.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I can see at least one.” You quip, returning his kiss as his eyebrows furrow incredulously, eyes staring up at the sky full of dark clouds. He cranes his neck to the best of his ability to figure out where on Earth are you looking to see this star, completely missing your focus stare in his handsome visage. 

“The brightest one of them all is standing right here in front of me.” You smirk playfully before reaching out for his hand, pulling him along, his laugh soundly rings out pushing away any last cloud of lingering sadness of the past.

The star of your night is back in your arms illuminating your life with love while the watchful satellite of his life is back into orbit doting over his every move. If someone had told either of you to believe in the power of love just a year ago, you both would’ve laugh in their face but now embracing the dawn of February 14th together on the platform of the train station, maybe it’s not so crazy after all to believe in a little bit of Cupid’s magic. You can only hope this bit of magic will last till the end of time but somehow you know even without it, you’ll both be fine.

[ikonislife]

Bringing this back because genuinely this is my most favorite thing I’ve ever written. I had so much fun writing this. I still go back to reread this till this day

[ikonislife]

Stray Kids Masterlist Last Updated 4/21/26

Changbin:

-Familiar Path: angst + open ending

[ikonislife]

Familiar Path.

-Changbin x Reader

-Angst, Open ending

-Just when Changbin needed you the most, he looked back only to realize he had already burned the bridge leading back to you.

-a/n: Am I posting too many angst + open ending combo? maybe i'm allergic to fluff, idk.

He knew he shouldn’t. Yet as the sound of the city grew deafening with each step he took, Changbin felt himself cracking a little bit more. His body carried him down a path far too familiar, though it had been weeks since he traversed its length. Breath exhaled heavily against the cold air of January, Changbin felt his body burning as if lava flowed through his veins. He clawed at his chest, clawed at his neck until the pale smooth skin turned red but there was no alleviating the itch beneath his skin. Panic had taken hold of his body, webbing its reach into every inch of his skin. Changbin felt like a madman with nothing left to lose, nothing left but one single utmost important mission – you. 

The world had not been in his favor. It hadn’t been for a long time and in fact, Changbin could pinpoint exactly when he had fallen out of its favor. Life hadn’t been kind either for if it had, he wouldn’t be weaving through the lively path of a bustling city on a Friday night. Had life been unkind because that was just the nature of life, ever so fickle? Or had life been unkind because you were his whole world, and in every way possible, his world did not want to see him right now? Or perhaps ever. 

His feet were steadfast yet his mind was moving in slow motion. His vision began to blur. Was it tears? Was it his brain succumbing to the many sleepless nights? Whatever it was, it didn’t help the man floating aimlessly in this ocean of pain as Changbin collided into a couple hovering beside a storefront. They were so nicely dressed, no doubt happy on a date, wonderfully in love, and so far in contrast to Changbin’s current state. As soon as they had steadied themselves, the boyfriend had Changbin by the collar, the other fist hanging in the air threateningly as his girlfriend begged him to let it go. Probably just a dumb drunk guy, she had whispered, eyes carefully studying the disheveled look of the large man barely holding on. They must have not been dating for long because the guy began to shout loudly and put on a show. He was shaking Changbin as more and more threats began to dirtied the air surrounding the scene. Now, any other day, this little encounter would have ended as soon as the guy had grabbed his collar. Changbin wasn’t one to back down from a fight, not when he knew there wasn’t a fight he couldn’t win. The snarl on the boyfriend’s lips, the way his eyes glossed over Changbin size as if calculating his chances… It wouldn’t even get that far. But tonight was anything but normal. Tonight, life had whittled him down to barely a shell of a person. So when his hand finally connected to the man that was slowly cowering, it lacked the ferocity he was used to. Though that didn’t mean Changbin didn’t send the poor guy flying with just one swift shove. The boyfriend landed on the ground hard, screaming and cursing but he knew it was best to stay down. After all, even as unfocused and dazed Changbin had been, even as uncalculated and careless as that shove had been, there was no denying the force that was behind it. His girlfriend lowered herself to help, though eyes were still very much on the zombie of a man stumbling into the crowd parting like the red sea. No one dared say or touch the gloomy cloud once more on his way toward sunshine.

 Delirious eyes reddened, overworking to take in all the landmarks along the way. The bookstore, the bakery, the cute little cat statue in the flower bed by the convenience store… Changbin was operating purely on muscle memories as his brain was consumed by the need of you. He counted every single landmark you had pointed out after he had gotten lost a few to many times on his way over. Each one passing brought him closer to you, each one passing drove him a bit crazier. Feet moving far too fast now and he didn’t give a damn who he bumped into. Your words were echoing in his mind hauntingly yet like a life line reeling him back from the stormy sea of anxiety, of worthlessness, of everything bad in this world. 

“Pinky promised me! Changbinnnn!” 

Your voice like a hymn, heaven sent ringing out so clearly in his mind. Even the way you whined his name… Did you know he was absolutely weak for it, a goddamn loser at your beck and call every time you say his name so soft and sweet like that. Changbin wondered if you ever noticed the way he’d look at you every time you’d call for him, just how much he yearned for hearing his name falling from your pretty soft lips. 

“If things ever get bad, even if you think it’s nothing, I need you to come talk to me. Anytime.”

“Even when I pissed you off?” He had teased you, fingers gripping at your hips sending you into a fit of ticklish laughter, turning bright red when you flailed right into his lap. 

“Yes, Binnie. Especially when you royally pissed me off, I still want you to come to me.” You had pinched both his cheeks, gently guiding his head to nod yes. “I’d rather hold you while you cry than let you go through it all alone. I’d rather hurt my own feelings than knowing you’re struggling and I’m not there to help because God forbid if you do something stupid, I need to be there to remind you that you’re worth it. I said anytime, I mean anytime.”  

He really had just meant it as a joke, how everyone had always teased him that his high energy self would wear you out one of these days. Yet as the entrance of your apartment slowly came into view, Changbin couldn’t help but replayed the disappointed look in your teary eyes the last time he had seen you. Suddenly he felt his heart heavy with the question of if you really meant it, when you had said anytime. Would you hate him for showing up after all he did? Would he be too crass if he asked you for a hug? Would you let him sleep over at your place, even if it was just on the floor in the living room? 

As the familiar rows of cherry blossoms that were still barren from the frost of winter became clear, Changbin felt a weight lifted off his shoulders. A sigh of relief finally escaped. Like a sobering drunk, he ran across the courtyard, reckless abandon. His lips muttering your names over and over like a prayer. Changbin wondered if he was finally so sleep deprived that he had finally reached the delusional stage. His ears strained, there was no doubt that was your laughter. He wouldn’t mistake that beautiful sound for anything else in this world. It was ringing out so clear, crisp and sparkling against the freshly fallen snow. He searched the rows of dirty yellow streetlamps and snow covered bushes for any sign of his safe haven, eyes began stinging from the frigid air. Then, like the sweet relief of ice cold water on a hot summer day, you walked right into his view. You were just as beautiful as he remembered – cheeks rosy and hair a bit longer now. A gush of wind chased a giggle from your lips as you pretended to stumble from its strength, tugging your jacket closer to your face. Changbin found himself smiling alongside you, hypnotized by the way your eyes shined so brilliantly. Yet just as with anything else in his life the past few months, the second he felt the ghosting of salvation touching his skin, everything fell apart. He watched on, as a young man dressed up so nicely matching your outfit rounded the corner. The man was so beautiful that Changbin felt perverse for staring the way he had been. It felt illegal, like he was watching two angels dance amongst the snow. His smile was so warm like summer, soft freckles dotting his fair skin so beautifully. His hair a bright shade of fresh spring afternoon, pulled back neatly in a bun. He was staying so close to you, a hand on your back to steady your step. You both were laughing at something you had just said. You always said the silliest things but Changbin had always found it to be such a cute quirk. He had always pretended that you were only acting like that around him. The sudden reminder that your kind soul was being shared with everyone else plunged him into the depth of hell. 

How could he be so foolish? What makes him think that you’d just sit around and wait for a loser like him to come around? You could do so much better than him. You deserved so much better than him. So against every fiber of his being fighting to move forward, Changbin began to step away. His eyes were still very much trained on you, not knowing when the next time he was able to see you so happy was. He didn’t want to waste this opportunity although he knew he should leave before he fully lost grip with reality. Hands once more clawing at his chest, Changbin felt like the Earth had opened up. That sinking feeling he had felt the entire way to your house was like a virus spreading, taking control of his body. Every molecule in his body felt like it was being pulled apart as pain worsened. For the second time that night, his body betrayed him. His feet had been moving with increasing speed yet his eyes were still on you. Disaster struck as he stumbled onto the curb of the path and crashed hard into the ground. Shit. Perhaps if he stayed still, you wouldn’t see him. 

Too late. 

As he stared up at the inky night sky, watched the snow descending slowly to cover his body, Changbin could hear you calling his name. You had crashed right beside his body, horror in your widened eyes as your hands worked quickly to check his body. You looked up at your beautiful companion, muttering a quick goodbye as he reluctantly walked off. Your lips were moving fast but Changbin heard nothing, a loud ringing tore through his senses. You struggled to pull him to sit up by his arm, nearly falling backward yourself. For the first time that night, Changbin’s reflex finally synced up as he reached out to catch you. The moment he felt your hand caressing his cheek, his vision went blur as he sat there paralyzed. Your touch was like a strong electric jolt shocking his nervous system, sending it into overdrive. 

“Binnie, hey…” You were calling him. It was that same sweet, whiny call of his name that he had yearned for every night since you walked away. It was so soft, so delicate yet it had cut through the last bit of tightly wound string around his heart. Like a dam in a storm, Changbin broke down. 

“I can’t take it anymore, Y/n…” That was all he needed to say before your arms already wrapped around his shivering body. Imagine that, a big strong man like himself sobbing like a tiny baby in your arms. He felt so vulnerable, so weak as you pulled his head onto your shoulder. The way he was so desperately gripping at your body, fingers digging into your jacket so harshly he could feel the softness of your body. 

“Tell me. What’s bothering you?” You didn’t move, not when the snow began to fall harder, not when he nearly knocked you onto the ground as he sobbed. 

“Everything is so wrong. I’m at my wits end and I have no one to turn to.” Loud sobs vibrating through the dark night, lost in the whistles of the wind. Your hand shoved roughly into his hair, fingers digging into his scalp the way he had loved so much. He asked you to do that often, unashamedly. Every time he had a long day, every time he worked out a bit too hard, you’d just sit there and massaged his scalp for as long as he wanted. Changbin couldn’t believe how much he took all your little sweet gestures for granted, as if he’d always have access to you. 

“Sweetie…” You cooed against the shell of his ears, warmth tickling his skin. “You have me. I meant it when I told you I’ll always be here for you when life gets hard. Anytime means anytime.” The grip he had around your body could only be likened to that of someone that had just been pulled from death’s hold, desperate, fearful, thankful. 

“I shouldn’t even be here. You deserve better than someone broken like me clinging onto you all the time. I tried really hard to stay away but I can’t, I need you.” You whispered for him to look at you but he didn’t have the courage to, so you let him stay in the crook of your neck. 

“Changbin, you’re one of the kindest people I know. You might look at yourself and see just broken bits and pieces. When I look at you, I just see this incredible man that survived and put himself back together despite the world rooting against him. Sure the pieces don’t fit together quite perfectly, but they don’t really need to be perfect. You don’t have to forget about all the bad things that happened. The scars, the cracks in between the pieces of yourself remind you of how far you’ve come, of the hardship you overcame, of how much stronger you are as a person now. But that’s not to say that you can’t have a bad day. Everyone has moments when they feel like they’re at the bottom of the trenches and there was no way up. All you need is just a little help and that’s what I’m here for. I’m here to tell you that no matter what, you’re worth it. I’m here so that you don’t have to be strong and brave all the time. If you want to be vulnerable, if you want to be a baby, if you just want to lay there like a starfish and watch the world go by… I’ll be here to watch over you and keep you safe.”

Changbin finally found the courage to look at your face. He searched your eyes for the disappointment that had haunted his every waking minute but all he found was love. You looked at him with the same wonder and awe you had when he was at his highest, when he felt like he was on top of the world. Changbin didn’t know what had gotten into him but he leaned forward, so close he could feel your breath hitched in your throat. His gaze wandered between your eyes and your lips, silently, as if asking the question he couldn’t bring himself to say out loud. You didn’t pull away, head tilting just barely with a soft nod and that was all the confirmation he needed. Changbin leaned in, gentle but by no means lacking in intention. The moment your soft lips touched his, Changbin felt something inside himself breaking. He slid his hand onto the back of your neck, holding you close but not because he was scared you’d run away. He just needed to feel that you were really there, and that this wasn’t just a dream. When you felt him slowing out of hesitation, you nudged his nose with your own as if letting him know everything was still okay. His kiss was no longer gentle but it wasn’t quite rushed either. It was careful, intense. He was so fully lost in you. This was something he had wanted for so long but too much of a coward to do anything about. Then just as quick as he had leaned in, Changbin suddenly pulled away, panic once more took control of his body.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have… I’m so sorry.” he muttered over and over again as if it was a spell that could take back all the shitty things he had said to you, as if it could take back what he just did. 

“Hey, shhh, you’re okay.” You were pulling him close again. Why were you pulling him closer again? Changbin was confused but he was far more selfish. He made no attempt to fight you, not even a little bit as your hand went to the nape of his neck and held him in place. 

“You were on a date. I’m so fucking sorry, Y/n.” Changbin truly felt like he was hanging on barely by a thread, reality distorting. He shook his head, doing his best to put distance between your bodies yet as strong as he was there was no help the way your arms held him so tightly. 

“Date? Felix? That’s my cousin, Changbin. He just moved to the city so I was showing him around.” You muttered warmly against a gentle kiss you had just pressed onto his tears covered cheek. Your hand tangled deep in his soft, beautiful hair, gently grounding him to reality. 

“Cousin?” For the first time ever Changbin flinched away from you, eyes searching to see if this was some sort of crazy prank. 

Suddenly it made sense, the way he had found you both so breathtakingly beautiful, you must have been cut from the same cloth. The way both your smiles had nearly been identical as if chiselled by a master ancient Greek sculptor. The way you both had felt so much like sunshine and sunflower. Head hung low in embarrassment, Changbin couldn’t help but cursed himself for being such an idiot. Yet there was no helping the bit of happiness glowing deep in his chest. He couldn’t face you any longer, embarrassment, fear, everything was raging like a storm in his chest. His eyes befell onto the glistening snow as he did his best to avoid your eye contact. Then he saw it, the snow soaking your stocking that was slowly turning crimson from the cuts on your knees. He had been so careless, only worrying about himself and not realizing just how hard you had crashed onto the ground to catch him. 

“Fuck, your knees….” Changbin rushed to swipe away the snow, strength finally finding its way back to his body at the sight of you hurt, nearly knocking you over. 

“Oh, it’s fine.” You tried to stop his frantic hands. “Really, it’s just a couple small cuts. It’ll go away in no time.” There was no stopping the worried man. 

“You’re bleeding, that’s not fine.” Before you could protest further, Changbin had already gotten up. You reached out your hand for support yet the next moment finding yourself being scooped up by the strong man. He stiffened the small surprise yelp falling from your lips with another kiss, whispering gently for you to stay when you pulled away.  

“I’m supposed to be helping you right now… Not the other way around.” You quipped but that only earned you another kiss. 

“Later. Let me take care of you first, okay? We’ll talk more, I promise. I just need a distraction from all the bad thoughts right now…” Changbin curled up his arms to hold you closer, nosing at your frost bitten cheek. The scent of your perfume filled him with a sense of ease. You were like a potion healing him with each second he get to hold you.  For a moment he just stood there holding you in silence, eyes fluttering closed. For a short while both of you stayed there just enjoying each other’s presence, taking in each other’s warmth.

“Okay…” You finally whispered. Your arms tightened around his neck, head leaning in his chest listening to his heart beating wildly. Changbin didn’t need to be told twice before walking down the path far too familiar to your apartment. 

Changbin tried his best to focus on walking down the icy path, a difficult task normally made so much harder by the way you were giggling into his chest after saying something silly. Changbin knew this was far from the happy ending he desperately set out tonight for. There was far too much that hadn't been said, far too much he hadn’t apologized for. Just because you kissed him doesn't mean that tomorrow was promised for him. In fact, this had only added a much more complicated question to everything else he needed to answer. Just for tonight, Changbin will be selfish with your attention. He’d soak up all the love you’ll give him and heal before embarking on the next chapter with you no matter how hard it might be.

[skznet]

stray kids — just a little / spotify live version

[rachawritingblog]

they all look pretty asf but omg felix?!?!?😻🤤

[chwedout]

trying so hard to be normal about this guy

[hwadaily]

[chwedout]

wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow

[ikonislife]

Seventeen Masterlist last update 5/19/26

S.COUPS:

Abs or Biceps: Fluff + silly drabble - a nonsense question left you both facing your feelings.

Woozi:

Selfish Love: Angst + Open ending - Jihoon thought he did what was best for you, so why did it feel like the world was ending.

Part 1, 2

[ikonislife]

Selfish Love 1

-Woozi (Jihoon) x Reader

-Part 1/2

-Angst, Open ending

-Jihoon thought he did what was best for you, so why did it feel like the world was ending.

-a/n: I miss Woozi sm bro idek what to do

You always knew when he leaves, he’d leave without a trace. It was the harsh reality you were well aware of but never thought it would happen to you. Though deep down, you knew nothing in this world could have ever prepared you well enough for the day Lee Jihoon actually left… 

Darkness swallowed you up just as it had your source of light and happiness the day he had walked away. You could no longer tell when it was day and when it was night. The curtains to your bedroom permanently closed as you couldn’t bear facing another passing day. Your life became a big blur fueled only by muscle memory. Wakeup, work, home, maybe eat, sleep, repeat. Your body moved through the motions but your mind didn’t command it to. As you laid here on your sixth week of being abandoned, somehow the retina burning brightness of your screen didn’t hurt as much as the unchanging date that read “June 10, 2025” on his last post. Your thumb scrolled mindlessly, refreshing his profile over and over as if another post would magically pop up if you scrolled hard enough. Your eyes began to water. Another day passing meant another day had gone without even a single crumb from the man you gave your heart and soul to for the past 5 years. He had quit you cold turkey and there was nothing you could do to change it.

Jihoon had always been a private person. He preferred to love you in the little things he does daily. He never felt the need to show the world the sweet gestures and loving words he showered you with every waking second. His love was meant for you, and you alone… Jihoon meant that in every possible way of the world. Despite the endless beautiful lyrics written about you, for you, being played over speaker at nearly every cafe in the country, his love made you feel like you and him were the only souls in this world. You never minded that. You didn’t need anyone else to know how much you love him and how much he loves you… Loved you. Even before you had shared one heartbeat, he was never one to post much anywhere. He only had one social media account out of work obligations, and work was the only thing he posted about. You remembered how frustrated you had been when this great love of yours was barely a crush so long ago when your childhood friend, Seungcheol, introduced you to his college friends. It didn't take long for you and Jihoon to get close. You were both similar in so many ways and being with each other was truly effortless. You had been so excited when he took the initiative to follow you first only to realize that the only crumbs you’d ever get of him were from the glimpses in the background of his friends’ posts. Even after you became his girlfriend, his account remained strictly business with nothing but album covers and release dates. He was never shy to tell people that you were his great love and sang your praises any chance he’d get. He made it a point to let you know he would never hide you from the world, talked about you all the time and to anyone that was willing to listen. Everyone knew you were his girlfriend, his one and only. Even on the rare occasion he’d post a story of some work event he’d dragged you to, there would only be glimpses of your hand, the back of your hair, a closeup of your features. Always with the caption “my love”.

As you continued to scroll through his account, cover art after cover art, it finally hit you – Jihoon was gone and to you, he was Woozi now. You were nothing more than another fan, another stranger admiring him from afar. You didn’t get to know the little intimate details of his life anymore. He was gone and there wasn’t a damn thing you could do to satisfy the insatiable yearning you had for him. The tears you thought had been emptied after the fourth week had passed suddenly flowed uncontrollably, like a broken dam during a storm. He was gone and you were left behind without a single physical trace to let you know that Lee Jihoon was indeed a real person, and not just the perfect man your deluded lonely mind had dreamt up. You became acutely aware of the emptiness he left behind and it was a vast emptiness. He had stopped sharing his location the moment he walked out of your apartment for the last time into the darkness of the cold night. His clothes were gone from your closet, his mugs from your cupboard, his guitar from your living room, his car from your garage the day before that. 

You stared up at the room barely visible, blurry from tears, trying to recall where all his things had been but your mind was in a jumble. Each day passing meant another day without making new memories of him, another day the memory of Jihoon you had made was slowly being worn out. You found yourself getting angry more often now for not being able to recall things he did and said. The fear that one day you’ll forget what he looked like, what he sounded was slowly becoming reality. Now, that fear was mingling with a new fear. The fear that you'll never get to know what he’ll look like, what he’ll sound like in the future. It was slowly engulfing you in its nauseating hold. They both tangled up in a nightmarish dance that you couldn’t escape and it left you choking in  your own emotions. 

You were no longer important to Lee Jihoon. 

By the 3rd month of being alone, you found comfort in not knowing. Perhaps it was better off that you didn’t know. It made moving on easier… not that you had moved on. You didn’t know how long it would take you to move on from Jihoon, but it would definitely be more months than you could count on your hands. There were days still, where you laid in your own despair, scrolling aimlessly hoping to catch a glimpse of that beautiful smile in someone else’s background. Then there were days where you were just content, and random reminders of him would just make you smile. They made you happy even, that you got a chance to love Jihoon. It didn’t hurt to hear his name anymore. It used to cut deep when he would come up in conversation, made worse when you can see the hesitation in your mutual friends’ features after realizing they had just muttered his name casually. You’d smile, telling them it was okay and that he wasn’t some big villain that can no longer be mentioned around you. Reality? It fucking hurt. Like rubbing salt into your tattered heart but you shouldered it all. Why? Because that was the only way you got to know any detail about him now. For months no one would bring him up, not even a fleeting mention of what he was doing or if anyone had even checked in on whether he was doing okay. Your heart was slowly shriveling up, parched for any drop of Jihoon but no one was willing to give into your desperation. You loved them for trying their best to protect you, but the you of the past were angry from the lack of acknowledgement that you were once important to Jihoon. You felt like a sobering drug addict, desperate and painful. Though now that the dark cloud had cleared and you had a better view of the near future, you were grateful for your friends. They knew moving on would never be possible if you were hanging onto every thread connecting your life and his. 

Eventually you stopped thinking about him every waking minute of your day. Mentions of him were now becoming just a casual update, it made you smile hearing his name but it was like seeing a butterfly fluttering by. It’d catch your attention, you’d smile at it, then that was all, you’d continue on with your daily life. Then came a time when you stopped thinking about him in your dreams. No longer did you awaken in cold sweat at the realization that the beautiful dream of Jihoon waiting at the end of the aisle was nothing more than a figment of your aching imagination. You slept through the night now. Your days gone on as it had been before he left. You worked, you went out with friends, you hung out with your family. Though each of those things happened more frequently than it had been for the emptiness he left behind was still vast. You re-learned how to be alone, how to be content being alone.

You didn’t know when but came too, the day where his song no longer brought you pain. The first time you had heard a song he produced played over the intercom of the supermarket was around the first month after the breakup. You were finally accepting the grim reality that greeted you everyday and that no matter how bad things were, you had to eat to survive. It had taken you nearly an hour of staring at your front door before you were brave enough to pull over a jacket and head to the local market. It was 30 minutes into your little trip and 10 minutes into you staring aimlessly at the endless rows of instant ramen that your ears had registered the familiar sound. It was the song he was working on just a few months before, the last one you got the privilege of listening straight from the source. Without knowing, your eyes began to pour. A few alarming customers nearby checked in to see if you were alright. When you ignored them all and began to sob loudly, they walked away with their head hanging low in pity. You abandoned the basket half full and rushed out the door. Your throat constricted from the lack of oxygen, from the lack of Jihoon. You considered the worst option, then broke down in shame. Millions of people had gone through breakups before, evidenced in the millions of songs about heart break. You felt so pathetic for not even being able to handle something as simple as this. You didn’t think you could go on another day living life when Woozi was one of the hottest producers and it was nearly impossible to avoid hearing his song. You didn’t think it was possible but his songs now made you happy. You were happy for his success although you still couldn’t bring yourself to play his songs intentionally in your own personal space. Whenever you’d catch a glimpse of his song in public, you’d just silently wished him the best as you hummed along.

By six months starting, you finally began to breathe normally. No longer did your chest feel heavy in the quiet moments of the day or the low moments of the weekends. Once or twice,you found yourself mindlessly getting on the train toward his studio on Friday nights. It was a routine that you kept for as long as you were with him. No work on Saturday meant you were able to sit with him in his studio for as long as his genius mind was at work. You’d just sit silently in the corner, listening in while reading a book. Sometimes you’d be typing away on your laptop while he scribbled messily in his notebook. It was always a quiet Friday evening staying in but it was always content, it was always cozy. On days when he finished early, you’d both head home together for an anime night in and cuddling. It was your favorite kind of silence, and so was his. You didn’t need to do everything together but there was a mutual understanding that you had to be in the same room together. Once or twice, you found yourself standing outside the building and staring up at his studio’s window. The light would be on and you imagined the beautiful lyrics that were pouring out onto paper in silence as the bustling world slowly came alive on a Friday night. You’d smile to yourself before turning on your heels and heading home. You were starting to find comfort in Jihoon’s song once again. No, not the official version being sung by some famous names. You found comfort in the demos he had sent you, where his voice was so angelic it made you forget you no longer have access to this part of his life. You’d play it when you were cooking, when you were reading, and sometimes when you were falling asleep. The official versions were beautiful, of course. After all, it was produced by Lee Jihoon, one of the best of the best. Yet there was something so cosmic in the demos sung by Jihoon. His voice transcended some of the best in the business. Sometimes you wished he’d put out his own song and blessed the world with his vocal. Yet times like this, when you lay awake staring at the night sky restless but content, you were happy to be the only fan that was special enough to get access to this version of Jihoon. 

You finally accepted your fate. You were no longer important to Jihoon and that was okay. 

You could only hope he held the memories he had made with you as dearly as you did. And that some day when he looked back on the wonderful years together, it would make him smile. As the 6th month of this new chapter of your life was coming to a close, you finally felt like it was possible to move on. You still didn’t know why he had walked away. You had forgotten just how cold Jihoon could be when he decided he no longer wanted someone in his life. Now and then you’d pondered the reasons, wondered what you did, how you could have missed all the signs. It no longer hurt like it once did, just gentle aching like pressing on an old bruise that was nearly healed. You tried not to dwelled on the how and why even if your curious mind was screaming for answers for so long. Jihoon always had reasons for everything he does and somehow in your warped mind, you believed he had a reason for walking away the way he did. 

“I don’t love you anymore…”

That was the only thing he had offered you that painful night. There was no explanation, no begging, no justification. He stood in silence and watched you cry. Then he muttered a low reminder to stay hydrated and eat the meal he had left in your kitchen before walking out the door forever. Maybe some day in the future when you both have healed, when you both can look at each other and see nothing but beautiful distant memories… Maybe then he’ll give you your closure. For now, you were okay with not knowing because not knowing made moving on possible. For now, not knowing preserved the beautiful man that was your heart and soul for five heavenly years the way you wanted to remember him. 

Yet life had a funny way of reminding you of how chaotic it could be. Just when Jihoon was finally beginning to be just another person existing in the same city, the universe served you with the biggest reminder that he was still very much in your life. You had gotten home from a long day of work, take-out dangling from your arm as you juggled with your bag and the mails you had just collected. The menu for the night? A giant plate of pasta and the thousandth re-watched of Stardust. Yet as you began to shuffle through the thick stacks of mails you had forgotten about the entire week, the air stiffened around you. A pink envelope, dainty little flowers surrounding the beautiful script that read “The Kwon”. You had forgotten all about it, Soonyoung had been engaged not long before the night your relationship ended. You’ve been so busy picking yourself up from the ground that you had forgoed all your friendships, and they all understood. After all, many times now they all had predicted it was you and Jihoon that would be the next. Jihoon had been so happy seeing his best friend finally settling down, fake grimacing about how they had beaten him and yourself at walking down the aisle. Soonyoung had asked you to help out with planning the wedding. Well, his partner had begged you to help out of fear of a tiger themed wedding. You had laughed, promising you’d be there as moral and physical support if the word “tiger” even came up in the planning process. You had felt so guilty for not showing up when they had invited you to dinner but you just couldn’t physically bring yourself to face the forever happiness of someone else in the light of your own ending. They both had understood it, telling you to take as much time as you need, not really knowing you were slowly disappearing from their friend group. They all had texted and called to check in when you finally stopped showing up all together, accepting that perhaps from now on this might be the only way they’d have contact with you now. You didn't want them to have to choose between hanging out with Jihoon or hanging out with you. So you made the decision for them. Your phone dinged with the kind of timing that could only be explained by higher power. Soonyoung had texted you simply “Please don’t feel pressure to come.  We understand. Let’s hang out after our honeymoon, yea?”. Your eyes glanced at the text that felt far too much like a warning, full of hesitation and foreboding. 

Life had a funny way of reminding you how chaotic it could be as your eyes scanned over the invitation – Best man: Lee Jihoon.

“Fuck…” 

Take-out abandoned. You threw your bag haphazardly on the ground and went too, the thick stack of mails you no longer had interest in reading. The jacket that was half way off your body pulled right back over your shoulders as you dialed your best friend. You hadn’t even bothered with turning off the light as you walked right back out the door you had just entered through. Tears welled up in your eyes as your steps heavy, echoing through the hallway and for the first time this week you thought of him. Did it feel like this too when Jihoon had walked away that night, the very same path you were traipsing through? You need a night out, liquid courage or whatever else it would take for you to be brave enough to send in the RSVP that read only your name. 

You weren’t ready to face the reality that you were no longer his permanent plus one... Actually, you weren't ready to face the reality that someone else might now be his plus one.

[thirstkanaphan]

The timing is just too funny 😂

[ikonislife]

Ateez Master list 4/5/2026

Yunho:

-Half Way Yours: angst, open ending - You’ve committed the cardinal sin of falling in love with your best friend.

San:

[ikonislife]

Half Way Yours.

-Yunho x reader

-Angst, Open ending

-You've committed the cardinal sin of falling in love with your best friend.

-a/n: istg i thought my first post of this man was going to be a fluffy cutesy happy one yet here we are lol. Lowkey though I don't think I'd be able to be friend with this guy. I'd literally die at anything he does.

You’re not angry at Yunho because he didn’t want you. You’re angry at him because he acted like he did. Jeong Yunho made you fall head over heels for him only to leave you behind with nothing more than a collection of beautiful memories that were slowly fading away… That, and a broken heart. 

You wonder how many songs have been written about the vast emptiness left behind in the wake of a breakup. How many poems out there so beautifully written about the aching, the yearning, and the hurt between two lovers that weren’t meant to be. Falling in love, breaking up, moving on, you didn’t really need a song or a poem to tell you what that felt like. You’ve been burned many times, and you’ve experienced many wonderful loves. What you wish for was more literature about the tragedy that was being more than friends, yet not quite lovers. What you truly wish for was a guide on being in a conditional friendship with Yunho. 

The beautiful man that was only ever half way yours is warm and bright like the summer sun. The way he smiles could rival that of the healing power of spring and he was never shy about sharing it. All he ever had to do was walk into the room and suddenly the world just seemed much lighter, much happier. The way he speaks feels like a cup of hot chocolate in the winter time, cozy and sweet, comforting even on days when you wanted nothing more but for everything to stop. At any given second he could send you in a fit of laughter so great you'd have tears streaming from your eyes. Nothing could quite compare to Yunho when he was in his silly mood. If he set out to make you smile, you bet your ass he would always win and it's not only because of his competitiveness. He always know how to make you smile. Yet in the slower moments of the day, his existence alone makes you feel steady. Neither of you would be speaking to each other, just simply sitting side by side reading a book, scrolling through your phone. There's something about Yunho that feels so stable and comforting, like a bonfire on a cool Autumn night.

What he truly excels at was the art of being your dorky, funny best friend yet at the same time, something so dangerous would always lurk just below the surface. It was teetering at the edge of his softness, sharp and broodingly sexy. The more time you spend with Yunho, the more it feels like he is ready to snap at any given second. One second he'd be joking and laughing, the next? The sharp glances he'd give, the way he quietly exhaled through gritted teeth, the low hum in his voice... The way his hand would linger a bit too intimately on your waist if he ever caught another boy staring at you made you fearful of what he'd do if he ever catches them actually touching you. His hugs would always be a perfect balance between comforting and crushingly destructive. Most of the time he'd swallow you up, arms wrapping entirely around your body as he holds your head tight against his chest. Yet there were times when he left you wondering how this big, strong man managed to make himself so small. Body crouching, his head would be resting so far deep into the crook of your neck it seems almost natural, almost as if he has always belonged there. Yunho makes you feel like you were strong enough to lift the whole world on your shoulder with the way he fit so perfectly in your hold. He makes you feel like you were made to hold him and him alone.

Your most favorite part of Yunho has to be the way he stares at you with those beautiful eyes. There was something so magnetic, so hypnotizing about those puppy eyes. It was like they held a whole universe behind them, a portal to a fairytale. He always looks at you with so much love and intention that you feel like someone has sucked all the oxygen out of the room. The confidence behind his eye contact is both wonderful and deadly. When he looked at you, it was as if the whole world ceased to exist for him. You, and you alone hold his entire existence, attention, and emotions in your hands. If you didn't know any better, you'd say he loves to look at you, addicted even. Any moment you could look his way and those beautiful eyes would already be on you, holding steady. Yunho would never look away, even in the early days of your friendship, he never cared about you catching him staring.

The most confusing part of your friendship with Yunho has to be the fleeting kisses. They were always so fleeting that they almost meant nothing... almost. The first time it happened was after he left overseas for a dance competition for a whole entire month. When he had seen you standing there waiting at the airport gate, Yunho had hugged you so tightly that you could feel all the tiny fractures in your bones caused by the aching of missing him healing. Then you felt it. It was so small, so soft that it had to have been an accident. He pressed a kiss to your forehead, barely there and just a fraction of a second. It was enough to send your entire being into an existential crisis for the next week. Then it happened again, and again, slowly but definitely more frequently. Yunho must have taken your lack of rejection as acceptance. The fleeting kisses began finding itself on your hair, your shoulders, your neck, your cheeks, your nose... but never your lips. In the moments when he thought you weren't paying attention, Yunho would use his height to his advantage and fluttered soft kisses over the top of your hair. In the dull moments of your days, kisses would bloom on your hands as he toyed with your fingers. Though rare, you'd catch him staring directly at your lips, his own rolling roughly between his teeth. But that was just it, no matter how hard you silently pray that he'd soon given to temptation, Yunho never did.

That's how Yunho always is. He was liberal with his feelings around you, only around you and it makes you feel like you were one of a kind. He runs to you when things get hard as equally as when he's happy. He never gives a shit about who might see the way he'd crush you in a hug for absolutely no reason at all. He's not shy with touching either. If the purge was real, you're entirely sure you'd be the first to die judging by the way girls on campus glare daggers your way whenever Yunho would drag you around campus. He'd have your hand so tightly woven in his your fingers would go numb.To everyone looking in, you're essentially Yunho's... Yunho's to hold, to kiss, to drag around, to everything. His friends tease him endlessly, tease him of being a lovesick puppy who knows nothing else but to follow you around all day. He'd always just laugh and pull you closer, a shy blush slowly spreading over his ears and neck. But that was just it, he never denies it but he'd never confirm it either.

That haunts you.

The question of “what are we?” never came up and selfishly, you intentionally let it be. You liked how it felt, of being whatever this is to Yunho. You loved the attention he gives you and how in a big crowd, his eyes always find their way to you. You liked being part of the assumption that his passenger seat would be yours, that the seat next to him would be yours, that if you were there then so would Yunho. So why ruin a good thing. You cling onto this half way relationship for as long as you could, ignoring the logic gnawing at the back of your mind. How incredibly foolish you had been. You let Yunho take as much from you as he wanted, perhaps far more than what he gave you because here you sat, soul crushed… Your heart shattered, no longer in your chest but in his hand. For the first time since you witnessed the man that was only ever half way yours kissing another girl, you cry. Just for tonight, you’ll cry. This will be the last thing ever you’ll give to Yunho, no more, no less. Tonight, you’ll cry over him. Tonight, you’ll let yourself mourn a love that never got a chance to be. Then tomorrow you’ll forget all about Jeong Yunho and the way he made your heart flutter just by looking your way. You whisper his name carefully, as if he was right next to you. You whisper his name because by the time the sun rises, Yunho will be out of your life.

Yunho. 

You call out to him, a little louder this time. You thought of all the times you called out to him and he’d be right there, almost as if he already knew you needed him. Yunho has this amazingly annoying knack of always knowing when you want him near. Before you could even say it, before you could even form the thought, he was already walking right alongside you. You didn’t know what it was like to miss him because he never gave you the chance. Even during the long month he was gone, your phone would always be filled with texts and pictures. So many pictures. He had gotten into the habit of sending you pictures of absolutely anything and everything. It only increased when he didn’t get to see you in person. Food, street signs, buildings, flowers, sky… Even ones of himself shirtless in the pool, post shower. You couldn’t help but dread the thought of how silent your phone will be tomorrow when you finally block his number. 

Yunho.

You call out to him again, your voice a bit hoarse now from the sobs choking out. You think endlessly of how your days for the past few months have always belonged to Yunho. From the moment you open your eyes until the moment your head hits your pillow, Yunho has woven himself into every second of your day. You could count the number of them you had awakened without a text from him already waiting for you. The first time was when he was overseas, he had miscalculated the time difference. The second time was when he was deadly ill, so ill in fact he had typed out a text to you only to fall asleep with his finger hovering over the send button. His roommate had so graciously sent you a picture as proof of his dedication to you. So many nights you’d both fall asleep on call together and a few times woke up to each other still on the line. Then came the nights where he’d crash over at your place when he deemed you were too sad to be alone. He never pushed it even though you wished he had, always taking the couch or the floor. He didn’t care if it was uncomfortable for all of his giant 6ft body, he just knew you needed someone there. He’d hug you to sleep, cradling you like a treasure he was afraid of losing. Yet never failed, once he could feel your breathing steadying and body stilling in his arms, he’d gently slide out of your bed and head to the couch. Yunho never gave in no matter how many signs you sent him. Oh how empty your day will be when tomorrow comes.

Yunho.

You let yourself call out for him once more, voice nearly gone now. You clutch at the hoodie covering your shivering body. It still smells faintly like Yunho. The sleeves draping over your hands, damp from your tears. You pull your knees to your chest, wrapping your arms around them and let yourself believe it was Yunho comforting you. The first time he let you borrow his clothes, you had shown up to a friend's dinner to thunderous applause. Everyone was convinced he finally did it, finally made you his. Yet when he sheepishly shushed the teasing words away, the crowd went mild. Ever since that day it wasn’t a rare occurrence that you’d show up in his clothes. It wasn’t a rare occurrence either that he’d take things out of your closet, whatever he could fit his body into, without even asking. You’d pretend to be mad that he had stretched out your favorite shirt but it really was all bluff. You couldn’t deny him the closet privilege because he threatened to take back all the clothes he had loaned you. Not that you really wanted to deny him anyways, he was damn hot in a crop top. Tears once more hot against your cheeks at the thought of packing all the things Yunho had left behind into a box once tomorrow comes. 

Yunho.

You call out to him one last time, voice barely a whisper now, painful. This will be the last time you’ll ever say his name out loud with all the love you never got to give him. You wrap up all the smiles, all the hope of a future together, all the well wishes you hold so dearly for the man that will never be yours into the loving way you call out his name. One last time you’ll let yourself pretend he was yours and when you call out his name, he’ll turn around and tell you how much he loves you. You'll pretend you didn't see him kissing the childhood friend he told you were long gone from his life. His name needlessly, desperately falling from your lips because you made yourself promise to never say his name like this ever again. You love him. You’re so hopelessly in love with him that you wish you had never met him. If a genie was to appear in front of you this very second, your first wish would be to go back to the day you had met Jeong Yunho because yes, to have never loved at all was better than to have almost loved and lost. 

Yunho…

“I’m here. I’m here, Y/n.”

His voice soft, like the gentle breeze tickling the glimmering surface of a lake after a hot summer day. It’s sweet like ripe watermelon, quenching the thirst for his attention that you’ve been ignoring. Yet at the same time it was just as fleeting as all his “love” for you had been, like a ghost haunting in the distance. He calls out your name but the wind whisks it away… Or perhaps you just refuse to hear it at all. So Yunho put all his heart into calling out to you once more. 

 “I’m here, love… I’m here.”

[ikonislife]

Tolerable 2.

-Namjoon x Reader

-Angst

-When your friendship built upon a lie, one person will always hurt more.

-Part - 1

He was warned that this job comes with baggage, physically and emotionally. For the most part, Namjoon would absolutely agree. Though to him there was no different, baggage is baggage regardless of the job or the kind. At the end of the day, exhaustion feels all the same on his worn body, no matter the cause. 

He had lost count of just how many times he had to excuse himself from a meeting with a victim’s family. The desperation in their voice and their tears cut far deeper than he could bring himself to admit. He used to hide it - trip to the restroom, call from another detective, another meeting… Then he’d returned, stoic as ever as if he hadn’t just bawled his eyes out silently in the staircase, saddened for the state of humanity. Eventually his partners, Jin and Yoongi, who were a few years his senior, would take pity on the young boy and stepped in to handle the heavier meetings. There was something about the gruff Yoongi and gentle Jin that mixed so well, perfect partnership. Jin had a way with words that seemed to calm the chaos in the room while Yoongi's sternness conveyed the length they will go to do their job. It wasn’t that Namjoon wasn’t qualified or not in the same league as his partners, not at all. He was good at his job, in fact doing exceedingly well for someone his age and rose the ranks fairly quickly. It was that he was green, lacking years of calluses and scars his partners had to protect himself. Perhaps the biggest reason was the fact that he was too kind and caring for his own goods. The same thing that had stoked the passionate fire to fight for the weak that caught the eyes of his superiors was now his downfall. In the early days of his career, he used to think that this job was only physically taxing, that he only needed to push his physical condition to its max to do well. Now he can see how foolish he was thinking that way. He didn’t foresee that his day would be more than just body aching from long stakeouts, altercation with criminals, and hunching over the computer furiously typing up reports. It was also witnessing the loss of humanity, of tears, of watching helplessly as his partners comfort the victim’s families.  Although neither of his partners ever scolded him for being too soft with his emotions, Namjoon was always consumed by the guilt of leaving them to the hardest part of the job. Jin had told him any chance he could  that it was much better to feel than to be jaded to other’s suffering. Yoongi too, though in much fewer words, conveyed how they needed him to remind them to be more “human” to those who were meeting them on possibly the worst days of their lives. They needed him to remind them that even if this was just routine for them, it was the families’ first time dealing with anything like this. 

Namjoon lost count too of the times he and his partners have had close calls… Calls that would leave his parents shaking in fear and his partners’ spouses silent in shock. He’d never forget the first time he arrived back at the station to his parents out of breath, rushing to pull him in their arms as they sobbed uncontrollably. He watched on, as his partners’ spouses rose from the plastic chair lining the wall. Jin cracked a joke as he always did, cackling to ease the tension but his wife only sighed quietly and pulled him into her arms. The second his arms wrapped around her shivering body, he stilled himself… A giant man looking like a lost child in his wife’s arms. Yoongi’s usually animated young husband was dead silent.  A solemn look on his face as he did his best to keep it together for the excited child in his arms yelling for his dad. Yoongi himself was more cheerful than usual, though Namjoon could tell he was close to cracking. They said nothing, night and day in contrast to his own parents ranting and raving as they checked every inch of his body for injuries. There was a calmness in the air, as if this conversation had been had many times before and the words no longer needed to be spoken. They just sighed in relief that their spouses made it home in one piece and safe. Eventually Namjoon too joined his partners in laughing it off, much to the dismay of his parents every single time at his lack of… What should he call it? Fear? Seriousness? Their nonchalant attitude will never fail to anger his parents. 

Of all the horrors he had seen in his line of jobs, of all the dangers they faced when the case got a little too intense… None of those things were ever the source of the nightmares that often keep him awake nights after nights. None had ever left him begging for mercy the way you had. So many nights now, Namjoon would startle himself awake, chest heaving heavily and cold sweat dripping down his tan skin. Fear vibrated through every aching bones in his body like a hymn, only it wasn’t the kind that would sooth his soul. It was the kind that stoked the flames of his nightmare, leaving him restless for the 4th night this week. He glanced left then right, only finding that reality offered no more solace than dreamland had to his weary mind. Bed abandoned, he got up to crack open the window for some fresh air. Even then, his heart found no relief as the window opposite his stared back silent and foreign as it had been counting on six years now. 

Clock ticking 3:17 AM, he shoved his fingers through the dampened locks as he trudged toward the door. The shirt he had abandoned shortly before falling victim to the sandman bunched up between his trembling fingers, dragged carelessly across the naked skin of his toned chest, soaking up the sweat still lingering. He had gotten the routine down by now. After all, it had been six years since you left, six years of constant guilts and the near nightly torture. There was once a time where he’d tried to force himself back to sleep, alcohol, sleeping pills, whatever it took. That only left him worse for wear the morning after. Nothing good will come either from letting himself sit and stare at the cold and lifeless window that was once yours, to wallow in tears. So, he would just run. The quietness of the city still cloaked in darkness and the cold wind whipping his face somehow calmed the sorrow in his heart. He would just run for hours. Sometimes he would run aimlessly and sometimes he’d run to the places he had been with you before. Once home, he’d forced himself into the shower despite his arms and legs wanting to fall off from hours of exercising. Exhaustion wrecked apart his features as he let the cold water served as a reminder of reality, of the pain he forced himself to live with. 

His partners had countless times tried to give him an intervention. It was late night bbq and polite chat over beer for a while. Then they gave up entirely as Jin let Yoongi’s cold words laid out just how idiotic and nonsensical the way he was living was. Why? Why would he even entertain this idea of you, the one he had so carefully preserved in his mind lived on? He knew nothing of the current you, of the kind of person you turned out to be. Six years is a long time. For all Namjoon knew, the you he remembered could very well be dead. The current you could very well be just another stranger he used to know. So why not let go of the past and begin his journey to heal? Why hold onto some distant beautiful memory even if times and times again it would just morphed into that hellish nightmare that was tearing him apart? If Namjoon was honest, he had asked himself that over and over again. After every nightmare, after every harsh cold shower, after pushing himself past his physical limit with his runs and at the gym… He had no other answer, no explanation other than because it was you…

Call him obsessive, delusional, or whatever else it may be. He didn’t care. How else would he be able to see you smiling at him so brightly. If not holding onto the past then how would he be able to live out this little fantasy of his? The one he had told no one about. The one where you waltz down the aisle adorned with beautiful flowers and loved ones while he waits by the altar. You were glowing, a beautiful bouquet in your hands, white gown gleaming in the crisp sunshine as you stared up at him with all the warmth and happiness in the world. It was nothing short of heaven as he watched you part way with your father. His mind was racing with nervousness. You were far too stunning, too kind, too smart, too beautiful, too brilliant for him. Yet somehow, you were his. You were his best friend, his love, and soon you’ll be his forever. Yet before he could see it through, see the big finale of a love he had harbored for so long finally coming to fruition, you uttered the two words that break his heart. He’d say “I do” with a big smile on his lips and you… Darkness brooding in your eyes and rather than saying the two words he wanted to hear the most, the two words that left your lips would be the words that would shatter his dream back to reality. 

“Barely tolerable”.

Your voice harsh against the gentle notes of the harp as the world melted away. There was no one else, no one else but you and him as those words echoed until it was the only thing he could hear, echoed until he’d startled himself awake. It had been six years, six years since this nightmare had become a friend, six years since you’ve forgotten about him, six years and a few days since that first date that he never got the chance to take you on. 

Namjoon had foolishly believed that he had all the time in the world to mend the broken bridge that was your friendship. Even if you were to move away for college, your roots were here. You’d always be here. Fact was he had always known something was wrong, he wasn't blind. Toward the end of your friendship, it had only become more apparent as you whispered those two haunting words into the boiling air of summer. He didn’t know that would be the last time he would ever see you, standing all alone by the gate of your house. He had been watching you. Saw from his window how you had stumbled home late, exhaustion weighed down your pretty features. He rushed downstairs, pacing in front of your place plotting on how he’d ask you to dinner. Then he watched as you staggered back out the front gate, perhaps even more worn than when he had seen you entered. Although Namjoon knew he no longer meant what he once did in your heart… He didn’t know you’d leave without a word. 

Thinking of it now, he was idiotic, downright narcissistic really to think that he was so important that you could never leave him behind. Even now, after six full years, he could still feel every emotion that went through his fatigue body as he rushed through your empty house. The place that he had spent so much time with you was now unfamiliar, empty and cold. He searched for any sign that this was all just some elaborated prank you had planned to get back at him. He kept imagining that you’d jump out from some hidden corner and laughed at him, and he’d accept whatever cuss you reserved for him. At least then he could begin to make it up to you. Yet as he continued room by room, silent beside the shuffling of his foot and the sound of his panic, reality set in. He felt each second passing slicing away a piece of his heart. He had been too egoistic, given himself far more credit than he deserved and now he was paying for it dearly.

He walked into your room, bare and cold. It had been a dusty shade of pink rather than the soft yellow he remembered helping you pick out. It finally sunk in just how much time he had let pass through his fingers. The stinging of his heart only worsened at how careless he had been. He did his best to recall the memory of the last time he had seen you in this room, the last time you truly smiled at him. He walked over to the window, the one that faced his own. The white lace blinds sat in silence. He tugged them open and tears rained down his cheeks. He couldn’t remember the last time he had seen them open. 

The soft golden light of sunset cloaked your old room in warmth but all he could feel was the cold air slashing through his skin. Namjoon turned around to take in your room, doing his best to recall where every piece of furniture had been. His eyes tracing the dents in your carpet, the faint marks on the wall where four shelves had been. Then it caught his eyes. A small box laid lonely in your closet still wide open. It was a box he knew all too well, a box that you kept close to you always. You had once told him it was where all your treasures lay, all the things that mattered most to you. Pain was no longer a tangible concept as it wove itself into every fiber of his body. He muttered words of denial, letting it fall futilely as he walked to the worn out box. He deluded himself, perhaps you had transferred the content into a nicer, more secure box for the move. After all he had given you this box so many years ago, barely first grade you both were in. He wouldn’t blame you for wanting a newer, nicer box for all your precious things. All his hope dashed the second the weight of the box settled into his hands. He couldn’t fathom the thought of you abandoning this part of your life, the only part with him in it. Yet he was actively living it, the weight of good memories heavy in his arms as he clutched the box close to his chest as loud sobs emanated through the empty house. He hadn’t realized how long he had sat in your empty old room but by the time he startled back to reality, the moon was high and his mom had confirmed you made it safely to your destination. 

This week had been heavier than most, Namjoon wasn’t sure why. The sun had now risen as he made his way out of the cold shower. He settled on his bed, reached for the old box already sitting on his nightstand opened. He hadn’t really looked through the box since that first night he had acquired it. For reasons unknown, this week, he felt comfort leaving it on his nightstand as he rummaged through them nightly. Once more he began to study the content of the box, a heavy sigh fell from his lips. Despite the many times he had gone through the content, he was careful to always put things back as you had it. At the very top, a stack of old photos. their edges worn and papers yellowed but it changed not the value of the memories forever etched on the surfaces. His favorite had been at the very top. It was just a photo of you and him on your birthday, the birthday before he had carelessly ruined everything. He didn’t remember who took the picture but it must’ve been just after the candles were blown out as tiny columns of smoke were still billowing from the colorful candles. You were smiling so big that your cheeks nearly pushed your eyes close, leaning so comfortably into his arm. The best part of all, you were looking directly at him, happiness shining so brilliantly across your features. He had his arm around your shoulders yet his gaze was somewhere beyond the camera. It was the last moment Namjoon truly remembered being your reason to smile. 

He once learned in a psychology course that the more someone recalls a memory, the further their brain would distort the true version of that moment. And Namjoon definitely wouldn’t claim to be the expert or anything, but it was something he found to be untrue. Each time he had let himself meandered the stream of memories he had with you, the girl that had loved him with all her heart, he only found himself closer to the truth of it all… And the ugly truth was he had never been the kind of guy that deserved your longing, undivided attention. He had you, had your soul, and had your heart. All he could see now, forever etched in these old prints was the lies he had told himself to make the guilt of leaving you behind easier to deal with. 

Somewhere in the pursuit of being the ideal man everyone and their mothers wanted, he had left you behind. He burned the bridge that connected you and him. He lost the chance to be your man and honestly, he’ll probably never forgive himself for it. He suspected too that what he did wasn’t something you can ever forgive him for. He had long suspected that his mom had been sneaking around to meet your mom and that only solidified further just how unwanted he was. He had known for a while now that you had moved back home. Though not to this neighborhood “home”, you were somewhere close by. He surmised that by now, even if the specific details were unclear, both moms knew he had something to do with why you had left so abruptly without a goodbye. Why else would his mom so conveniently leave out the fact that she probably had seen you countless of times in the last few months. Whispers of your names and hushed sentences when he rounded the corner were all he got. He didn’t blame her. If Namjoon was in his mom’s shoes, he probably would do the same. 

Stacks of photos abandoned on his bed, he stuck his hand in further, fishing out a black velvet box he had nervously presented you for your 16th birthday. He was so excited, indecipherable excitement drumming in his heart.  He imagined your reaction as he carefully picked out the small bracelet adorned with gemstone you liked. You’d love it, he was so sure of it. You had mentioned just how much you like this stone, not knowing he had committed it to memory. He had thought maybe you’d cry a little bit, but happy tears of course. Maybe he’d get a big hug from you, and if he was brave enough, maybe he can give you a small kiss on your forehead. He had caught you arriving home from school that night. He rushed out, excited that he got you alone for a second before everyone else had arrived for your birthday party.  As he shyly slipped the small box into your hand, he got a painful reminder of just how distant you were now. The sadness in your features tore him apart. He had seen it so many times, it flashed so clearly every time you thought he wasn’t paying attention. He was so lost as he watched you gently slide the box into your school bag with a weak thank you whispered into the stiff air. He should’ve pry. Or better yet, he should’ve known that his existence was nothing more than fragile glass in the whirlwind of life. He was an idiot then. He thought he had all the time in the world not knowing he’d lose you forever in a little over a year's time. 

Laying carelessly in the box too was the worn out stuff bear he got you for your 7th birthday. By the fray of its ear and flatten stuffing, the bear was well loved. When you both were in middle school, he had told you to throw it out and that he’d get you a better one but you refused to part way with the thing. Svelte fingers wrapping around the toy that was no longer plush, Namjoon let himself linger and pulled it up to his chest tightly. He did his best to remind himself of all the times he had seen you clinging onto it. There was the time when he went away for the entire summer for baseball camp. You had sent him off with a pout on your lips and the bear nearly strangled in your arms as you avoided his eyes. He had scoffed at what a baby you were, a bit annoyed that you decided to tag along embarrassing him in front of all his new friends. He thought you were so idiotic for crying. It wasn’t like he was leaving forever, it was only for the summer. Now, as he chased the scent of your perfume that no longer exists on the old worn bear, he realized he was truly the idiotic one. Tears once more hot against his cheeks. Namjoon laid the bear gently on the pillow beside his own. The arrogance of his past self thrashing in his chest.

The last thing in the box, his hope and dream. He examined the very last object in the box, the one he never got the chance to give you. That night he had lost you… well, the night he realized he had lost you, Namjoon wasn’t just mindlessly seeking your companion. He had done it with a very specific goal in his heart and this last object was in his pocket. He wondered still, if he had given it to you, would it make any difference? Would you give him one last chance to show you his heart? Or would you slap him for insulting your feelings? He wouldn’t have blamed you if that had been the case because anything, even anger, was much better than the cold indifference you had shown him. Although he had hoped it would bring you back into his arms, maybe even let him take you on that first date he had planned for months. The small box creaked open, he tipped it over to let the content of the box fall into his palm… A delicate gold chain with a heart pendant bearing his star sign. It had cost far more than his measly part time job paid, which meant it took him much longer than anticipated to buy the thing. He didn’t mind one bit. Every week he’d stop by the jewelry store, smiling as he stared at the necklace waiting for him.  An offering of his heart, to show you that you’ll have him always. Studying it closely, the current him somehow was glad. Glad that his past self never got the chance to give you this necklace. How narcissistic of him to think that anything he could offer would be of any value to you. Yet the sentiment remained the same, no matter how much time had passed, you’ll always have him and he’ll always regret not saying it sooner. He had long realized just how different you and him were. Things he found so trivial, like this old bear and the stacks of photos, were so important to you. These were things that once were your treasures. Now they were all here, left behind and perhaps forgotten. He was so sure you’d always treasured him as you treasured these trinkets. Here he was too, left behind and perhaps forgotten. 

In the past six years, there have been a few times where your family has visited. Though perhaps by your designs, he’d always be conveniently on a long shift or away on stakeouts. When he heard from his parents that you had been by, he’d rushed home to find nothing but the lingering scent of your perfume permeating through every crack in his heart. He knew all too well he wasn’t innocent in any of this and deserved no pity. Each time his tear would fall, he accepted a little bit more of his fate. He had always been an egoistic asshole to you and you took it all with grace and love. You never complained, even as horrible and complacent as he had been. Perhaps he deserved this lonely life, the life of loving a girl that will never be his. 

One more restless night in the book for the young detective. He pulled over his body the leather jacket you had given him for his 16th birthday, the one he had eyed for months. It was worn and definitely well-loved as the button had to be resewn many times by his mom. He rushed downstairs, hoping to get out before his mom could catch him. 

“Joon, have you thought about what I asked?” Too late. His mom was already calling for him before he could make it half way down the steps. She rushed out from the kitchen, knowing full well this is a conversation her son wanted nothing to do with. Still, she had to try. 

“Mom. It’s too early for this” He grunted, fingers rubbing his nose ridge out of frustration. 

“Well I have to give them an answer soon…”

“I’m not meeting with Mrs. Park or Kim or Choi’s daughter or son or whatever. I am not interested.” He ended the conversation before she could start listing off the phone book of all her friends’ offsprings. He loved his parents and living at home still, he really did. However, ever since the topic of his love life had become normal daily conversation, he wanted nothing more than to jump into a river and float out to the ocean. 

“Joon. Me and dad are not getting any younger… We  just want to see you happy and married. We won’t always be young and healthy to help you with your kids.” She exasperated, though glad she got a second of face time with him as he hurriedly shoving his boots on. 

“Then I’ll get a nanny.” He retorted, short on patience. He wanted to tell her that his love life was none of her business, that the only person he could be happy with was the only person in this world that would never want to see him again. 

“Why won’t you just humor us for once. Just meet them for a meal. Who knows, you might like one of them. Look honey, I’m just trying to be helpful here. You work way too much.  ” The hope in her voice shattered the moment he stared back up and simply uttered your name. 

“Y/n. If you want to be helpful, then set me up with Y/n. If you can do that then maybe we’ll see about marriage and  kids.” His voice was rough, already walking through the front door before his mom could reply. 

“Joonie, be realistic…”

“Well then I guess you got your answer. Also, by the way, don’t think I don’t know you’ve been meeting her mom and hiding it from me.” He snapped, so angry that his mom had been meeting up with yours in secret, and even on several occasions, you. So before he could say something he’d regret, something that would hurt her, he stormed off. Before he could see too his mom’s resolve slowly cracking as she gripped her phone with more conviction than she had woken up with that morning.

[ikonislife]

B.I (Kim Hanbin) Masterlist: Last updated 12/25/25

Note: anything with 🙂‍↕️ is my personal favorite

Hanbin: 

Mad: angst + happy end 

Day Off: mature + fluff -You were both enjoying the rare chance your day off coincide with each other when a simple banter turns into something more.

Reasons (2 parts): angst + happy end [COMPLETED] 

½ |  2/2

Smiles and Hopes (2 parts): angst (bestfriend!Hanbin) [COMPLETED] - Long lost friends hoping for another chance to be back in each other lives.

Cause |  Effect

Just Go (3 parts): 🙂‍↕️ fluff + angst + mature ft. Monsta X’s Shownu - song scenario, CEO!Hanbin [COMPLETED] 

Just Go | Please Stay | Always Mine

Father’s Worry: fluff ft. Junhoe - parents au

My Professor (Tentative): angst + fluff + mature ft. professor!Jiwon, ongoing series - friend with benefits au, professor!Hanbin - It was universally known that friend with benefit between best friends would be a chaotic ride from the start till the heartbreak of either one or both party. No one says anything about being in one with your dear professor…

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

Heavy: angst - CEO!Hanbin

SpellBound: fluff ft. all of iKON and Lisa! - Hogwarts au, friends to lovers, school life au

Kitten Love: 🙂‍↕️ fluff ft. Bobby - Neighbor au, lost love, DoubleB  - Never in a million years would Hanbin have thought adopting a little cat would change his life tremendously in all the wonderful way it had. He definitely didn’t think that the little furry baby could’ve too change his love life by leading him to a chance encounter… one that perhaps much more than just the handsome man it offered.  

Brunch:  fluff

Under the Mistletoe: angst, fluff - A date gone wrong… You should’ve known better than to listen to your heart.