Huh…was he curious, or just being gracious? Either way, Ashe is more than happy to indulge himself. Talking helped clear his head, helped him think about things that he would otherwise either avoid or dwell on too much. Though he was not really prepared to talk to anyone outside of the Golden Deer about it, he’d try his best.
“…working with Claude really taught me how to question things, and people. He always wanted the truth and, really, that’s all I wanted too. Even if it was hard sometimes.” Ashe shrugs, a little distant. Doubting and questioning the character of others without blatant proof was still uninherent to him, and perhaps it would always be that way. He’d met enough good people to convince him it wasn’t a complete necessity, anyway.
“Oh, I don’t think I would’ve ever learned to ride a Wyvern without him, either! I do much better with them than horses for some reason. Strange, isn’t it?” He could never really imagine why, but they’d never once flinched at eachother, never startled. Lugh really did suit his need to be in and out of target’s range quickly, without worrying about terrain. He didn’t have much trouble picking off opposing Pegasus mounts either, though it’s not an image Ashe liked to dwell on.
Suddenly, Ashe goes quiet again. His hands fold in his lap, clenching and unclenching paired with a nervous smile. “I…I haven’t told Dimitri yet. I’d never ask you to lie, but I’d appreciate it if you would let me be the one to tell him when the time comes if it’s possible.” If it ever came–his majesty had so much on his mind despite the past five years feeling like a bad dream now. He supposed those dreams wouldn’t leave any of them for some time.
“I…didn’t have much of a choice. There was the church…and then the Dimitri I knew went mad and died. But I can’t help the feeling sometimes that I should’ve died with him.” there’s a silence that follows, a strange smile different than the rest. He didn’t think his presence would’ve changed much–Ashe was a commoner, easily replaced, like any other soldier. But fighting for your country and a good king would usually seem right, if the circumstances were different. But they weren’t different, they weren’t black and white. They were complicated and involved those with whom he shared close ties.
“I still had my siblings to look out for, so I couldn’t afford to die. I think he’ll understand, kind as he is. Still…I can’t help but feel guilty for abandoning him anyway.” a weak laugh; some knight he was. Ashe returns to his food, hoping that would punctuate the awkward request.
“Caspar is here. You’ll see a lot of familiar faces. But everyone seems friendly in spite of it. I think we’re all tired, no matter where we came from.”
the truth, huh? felix understands the desire for the truth, even if he himself has things that top that in terms of his priorities. he didn’t know claude was looking to root out the truth (of what? he can’t help but be curious) but it makes a little more sense in hindsight. claude was always inquisitive, even if he was subtle about it, during their school years. it makes sense that that hasn’t changed.
the truth can sometimes be hard, felix knows that much, even if he doesn’t really like to think too hard about it. it’s also not objective, something he wishes more people understood. rarely were things... simple. again, his mind is drawn back to dimitri, and he scowls at himself for that. he quickly rearranges his face into a more neutral expression--he doesn’t want ashe to think he’s scowling at him.
“ i won’t tell dimitri a thing if you don’t want me to. i... haven’t really said much to him myself. i don’t like thinking there’s a version of myself who stayed with him, and i hate making him think that i’m that version. it’s... dishonest and i don’t like lying to him. no matter what he’s done, he doesn’t deserve that. ”
no, dimitri, or at least the version of him that felix remembers, was not a good king, perhaps he isn’t even a good man, but felix doesn’t feel comfortable deceiving him. he owes him more than that. mostly, he’s just been avoiding him entirely, which likely isn’t fair, but it’s all he can do.
“ it’s your secret to tell anyway. ”
ashe’s next words make felix go quiet for a moment. the dimitri he knew had also gone mad and died. so, that’s two timelines where that happens, though likely in different ways. he doesn’t pry--he doesn’t want to know how dimitri died in another timeline. it was bad enough seeing it for himself--he’s not that much of a masochist that he’ll want more information than he already has. “ i’m glad i didn’t die with him. i’d hate to waste my life like that. ”
“ don’t feel guilty for doing what you had to. especially if it was for your family. ” felix’s relationship with his own family was... complicated at the best of times, though it’s simplified significantly since he became the only one left. he pushes aside his gallows humor and tries not to think about running his father through with his sword.
“ tired... yeah. that sounds about right. i’m not exactly looking to further anyone’s cause here. five years of it was more than enough. ”
