Hypochondriac

The most irrational blog you'll ever visit!

[illnessanxiety]

Affirmations + Tips for Health Anxiety

1. “I’ve had this symptom a million times before. My doctor has never found anything in my physical examinations or blood tests and/or they have assured me I am okay. This symptom has never caused me any actual harm in the past, so why would it now?”

2. “It is extremely likely that chronic or recurring symptoms such as shortness of breath, heart palpitations, and pain are caused by tension and/or anxiety.”

3. “When I am distracted, I feel the symptom less or I do not feel it at all. That means that my mind is most likely to blame.” 

4. “If I eat healthy food and exercise, I can avoid chronic pain in my limbs and digestive issues which would otherwise exacerbate my health anxiety.”   

5. “Being hyper-aware of diseases and bodily sensations is unhealthy for the mind and requires therapy. However, it has taught me how to be cautious. Others are not as careful with their physical health. This is a reason to have faith in the idea that I will remain healthy.” 

[illnessanxiety]

Hypochondria During the Pandemic

Since quarantine started, I have experienced the worst health anxiety of my entire life. Worse than summer break in middle school when I thought I had a brain tumor, worse than Junior year when I thought I had lung cancer, and worse than Hawaii when I thought I had heart failure.

I can’t even begin to explain how much I’ve been suffering since being stuck at home. Of course, I've been concerned about coronavirus. But that is only one small part of the endless amount of diseases I’ve had the time to obsess over. Since March, I’ve convinced myself I have diabetes, ketoacidosis, a brain tumor, urinary tract infections, epilepsy, fibromyalgia, kidney failure, sarcoma, liposarcoma, botulism, rheumatic fever, an intestinal obstruction, lymphoma, leukemia, lupus, multiple sclerosis, meningitis, sepsis, staph infections, heart failure, anaphylaxis, mononucleosis, a pulmonary embolism, deep vein thrombosis, breast cancer, a brain-eating amoeba infection, systemic sclerosis, water intoxication, asthma, heat stroke, and an aneurysm, among many other things. Although these individual disease obsessions come and go, they always manage to leave their mark. In other words, at this current moment, I still feel like I could have a lot of these diseases -- no matter what the scans and blood tests say. 

I’ve been obsessing over preventing these dangerous diseases -- to the point that I can’t eat certain foods or do certain things anymore. For example, I find it very hard to use canned foods while I am cooking, as there is a risk of botulism. I often feel unsatisfied when washing my fruits and vegetables -- almost like I can never truly wash them enough. If I see mold or a small insect just on one fruit or vegetable in a container, I feel the urge to throw away the entire thing. When this pandemic is over, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to put my head under water ever again due to fear of brain-eating amoeba -- or if I’ll ever feel safe enough to be outside during the daytime for more than two or three hours due to fear of dangerous heat stroke. 

I have high hopes that my obsessive and intrusive thoughts will settle down once the pandemic is over and once I get busy again, but I am afraid that some of these irrational fears will never go away.

I wish I could find the humor in everything, but it’s all too terrifying. And it’s worse than you think. It’s not just “I have this disease.” It’s “I am 100% positive I have this disease and therefore I am going to change my lifestyle and diet to accommodate it, plan my future around it, and attempt to cope with my impending doom as it is too late to fix this.” For example, when I convinced myself I had diabetes I cut out all added sugars from my diet and I bought a test for ketoacidosis. It came back negative. At another point, I convinced myself I had sepsis from an undiagnosed kidney infection from an undiagnosed UTI. I bought a UTI test, cranberry pills, and a gallon of cranberry juice. Eventually, I got an actual UTI test and it came back negative. Another time, I convinced myself I had a deadly heart arrhythmia or possible heart damage from rheumatic fever from undiagnosed strep throat. I went to the doctor and I got an electrocardiogram. It came out normal. These obsessive thoughts control my life.

I either eat super healthy spinach soups in an effort to save myself, or I eat all of the sugar I want because I know it doesn’t matter anymore. Oftentimes I feel like no matter what I do, it is too late. 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat on my bedroom floor or sat on the grass outside, staring up at the ceiling or the sky, trying to make sense of my life being cut short. I have spent almost every day throughout the past five months living as though there is not much time left. It is the worst feeling ever. I wouldn't wish it upon anybody. I am a person who truly loves life, no matter how hard it can get, and it is my worst fear to have it taken away from me prematurely. I’ve have many nights during which I do not sleep at all. I fear not waking up the next morning. 

This has been absolutely horrifying for me. I’ve wasted so much time and energy panicking over slight symptoms and researching deadly diseases -- probably between 2 and 16 hours per day, depending on the obsession. Some days I feel as though I am in a trance. I forget about anything else I have planned for that day, and I am sucked into the world of sickness. 

Unfortunately, even on a good day when I am not hyper-aware of a bodily function or focused on a particular symptom, my health is always in the back of my mind, and I can't help but always feel like there is something wrong with me. I take my temperature multiple times a day, I check my oxygen levels, I inspect the inside of my mouth, I analyze the skin on my legs, hands, and arms, and I even inspect my period blood and stool. From the beginning of 2020 to now, I suspect I've been to the doctor about twelve times. Seven times within the last two months. Though I wish I could go more often.

I’m hoping that through blogging, I can eventually recognize the patterns of my irrational thoughts, analyze triggers, and learn how to cope with them in the moment. 

[illnessanxiety]

MRI + contrast dye

I’m usually not afraid of needles. But suddenly, the thought of having an IV (for contrast dye) during my MRI is making me spiral. I’ve had four panic attacks today. I think that’s a new record! I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. 

[illnessanxiety]

Main symptoms of Hypochondria

Obtrusive thoughts that one is severely sick 

Hyperawareness of bodily functions such as breathing and heart beat

Obsession over harmless symptoms and dangerous diseases

Compulsive checking of vitals such as temperature, oxygen, ketones, blood pressure, heart rate, and respiration rate

Intense and frequent urge to go to or talk to the doctor 

Not believing the doctor

Believing blood tests, X-rays, echocardiograms, etc. are incorrect 

Preoccupied by the appearance, color, shape, texture of skin

Convinced that one absolutely has a specific disease 

Excessive use of medical websites, disease forums 

Preparing for the diagnosis by the doctor

Changing diet, changing exercise routine, changing daily plans to make room for managing or researching undiagnosed medical conditions

Often preoccupied by lymph nodes, rashes, spots, aches and pains, twitches, tremors, difficulty swallowing, bruises, abnormal period blood, abnormal bowel movements, headaches, sore throat, shortness of breath, swelling, itchiness, and more

Cancelling plans, putting off projects to research rare diseases

Planning the future around undiagnosed medical diseases 

Buying medicine or home tests for undiagnosed medical diseases 

Unbreakable attention to medical websites 

Preparing for, attempting to prevent, or expecting the complications of undiagnosed medical conditions

Physical manifestations of hypochondria include panic attacks, feeling of impending doom, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, muscle aches, chest pain, fatigue, headache, high blood pressure, dizziness, and gastro-intestinal issues

[illnessanxiety]

What is Hypochondria?

Hypochondria is a condition in which a person worries excessively about having a serious illness. It has been claimed that this debilitating condition results from an inaccurate perception of the condition of body or mind despite the absence of an actual medical diagnosis. Hypochondriacs become unduly alarmed about any physical or psychological symptoms they detect, no matter how minor the symptom may be, and are convinced that they or others have, or are about to be diagnosed with, a serious illness. Often, hypochondria persists even after a physician has evaluated a person and reassured them that their concerns about symptoms do not have an underlying medical basis or, if there is a medical illness, their concerns are far in excess of what is appropriate for the level of disease. To qualify for the diagnosis of hypochondria the symptoms must have been experienced for at least 6 months.”