chronically heartbroken

30s, Witch, Depressed, Chronically Heartbroken, he/him

[im-the-prettiest-urgent-problem]

Am I making you feel sick?

(No)

Am I making you feel sick?

9:06pm

[im-the-prettiest-urgent-problem]

In my head, you live another life

Where you fuck all my friends

And wish someone else could've been your wife.

10:34pm

[im-the-prettiest-urgent-problem]

after a decade, I finally wish i’d never met him — maybe i’d be more stable

What kind of horrifying 29 year old goes after a 19 year old?

I feel like i’ve been broken for a decade and im finally undoing it

[im-the-prettiest-urgent-problem]

I watched him show his love through shades of black and blue

Starting fights at the bar across the street like you do

The neighbors beat on the walls while I'm face-first in the bed

Show me how much I mean to you, while I'm lying in these sheets undressed

9:35pm

[wordpress-blaze-81445391]

The Outlier

I once had a boyfriend pick me up in a stolen vehicle and take me for drive thru breakfast. After he paid, he turned to me and said, "You owe me half, I went through the trouble of stealing this car."

My first boyfriend burned his clothing in my driveway then wrote a song about me, he was in a cover band. The song was called "Queen of Darkness". I never got to hear him perform it, wonder if it was good.

There was a man so head over heels for me he wrote me poetry and letters daily while serving in Iraq, what a loving soul he was, too bad he couldn't keep his pants on.

My first love, couldn't get out of his own way, ending in his imminent demise. What I would have given for him to have seen himself how I had seen him.

The Columbian, he was gorgeous. One day he called me, and when I picked up the phone it was his wife. Well, it all started to make sense why he could only see me on Fridays between the hours of four and six, how did I not see the signs and red flags.

I've experienced something as of late, I'm noticing after all of these years, because I never put the self-work into healing, I am stuck in the same patterns of love. I have a tendency to misjudge what it is I am willing to accept when it comes to my own definitions of intimacy.

There was however one outlier in all of this, and he fathered my children. What started as something nonchalant and physical quickly became something entirely different. He was a provider, nurturing and loyal always. It was inevitable that we wouldn't work out, I'm just surprised it took this long.

I wonder if the universe brought him into my life to give me enough stability to become a mother. If we are calling this something I had full autonomy over, I would say that I made the right choice, in doing so with him.

The love I have for him is not one of a traditional sense, it comes from a place of knowing how good he really is. There could never come a time when he does something that makes him genuinely happy that I would feel as if he wasn't deserving of it.

An outlier brought into my life, to show me what unconditional means. For that I will always be grateful. And as I continue to grow as a person, I will take a closer look at my patterns, and try to make them look more like my outlier.

Source: The Outlier

[im-the-prettiest-urgent-problem]

[lanndscape]

[im-the-prettiest-urgent-problem]

My favorite line in a country song is by Carrie Underwood in Dirty Laundry when she says “And I can tell by the smell of that perfume it’s like 40 dollars too cheap.”

Like yes, drag that homewrecking skitch AND your man.

[im-the-prettiest-urgent-problem]

This is the last time I'm asking you this:

Put my name at the top of your list.

This is the last time I'm asking you why

You break my heart in the blink of an eye.

2:53am

[im-the-prettiest-urgent-problem]

fuck

[im-the-prettiest-urgent-problem]

There’s something about seeing people who used to matter to me on social media that makes me viscerally uncomfortable.

I’m a moderately successful person, I have friends and a family that love me, and by most accounts, I’m doing okay.

But I can’t help but wonder for adolescent me — have they no shame for the way they treated me?

Of course I know that the best thing I can do is let go of it, but I find that hard still, even as a fully-fledged adult. I want to feel healed. I want to never see or think of these people again.

And yet, here I am, in my hometown, hoping I never see people.

(Thank god it’s a pretty damn big city.)

[im-the-prettiest-urgent-problem]

bet you thought i’d never do it

thought it’d go over my head

i bet you figured i’d pass with the winter

be something easy to forget

oh you think I’m gone ‘cause I left

but i’m in the trees

i’m in the breeze

my footsteps on the ground

you see my face in every place

but you can’t catch me now

through wading grass

the months will pass

you’ll feel it all around

i’m here, i’m there,

i’m everywhere

but you can’t catch me now

9:32pm

[klarolinecentral]

I think a part of me has always known that you weren't the villain of my story.

THE ORIGINALS 5x12 The Tale of Two Wolves

[im-the-prettiest-urgent-problem]

My heart

[im-the-prettiest-urgent-problem]

There is something very iconic about being post breakup just before Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) came out and then also subsequently falling in love.

[im-the-prettiest-urgent-problem]

Did I fuck my whole life up?

Did I miss my one true love?

Was he right in front of me at the dive bar?

Was that you with the cowboy blues?

7:18pm

[felicytsmoak]

Crazy Rich Asians (2018) dir. Jon M. Chu

[im-the-prettiest-urgent-problem]

Now go on and drift away.

The tide can hold you out.

Go quiet now.

Go sound, go safe.

Open hands are hard to hold onto anyway.

1:35am