This only makes up part of my story...

This is where my thoughts will live. I'm tired of fighting

[imightmakeit]

11/10/24

I can feel myself caving in again, and I can’t explain why that is. Life is beautiful and good for the most part. Yet I feel like I’m drowning.

[imightmakeit]

11/8/2024

Hey it’s me. Boy do I have some updating to do. Well first we’re married now! We got married 9/1/24 to the most amazing man. Our job still sucks don’t really know what the heck we want to do for the rest of our life other than be a mom which hopefully will eventually happen. Eating disorder was good for a while and now the dark is creeping in again. Jamie gave up her license and now I’m waiting for my lawyer to figure out the rest of that mess. We don’t see Liv super often and that’s extremely sad, but she’s doing really good in life and things seem to be coming together for her. I have a really great therapist who knows about us. She’s learning a lot and helping a ton. I hope we get to work with her for a long time. Edward (husband) doesn’t believe in therapy so not sure how long, long term therapy will go on for. I’ll probably have to stop once we start having kids or at least change to a degree. I miss this place where no one knew anything about this space. She’s be proud you know? I wish she could meet all of you all the versions of herself she never got to be. Yet she is so much better because of you all. She is living life, maybe not exactly how she wants to be but she’s alive, we kept our girl alive. That in and of itself means the world to me. Thank you all. We’ll talk soon.

[imightmakeit]

12/5/23

How the tables have turned. I’m 27. No longer 23,21,18,16. Yet I’m stuck in this place. I can’t move on. There are piece of me stuck at this age where I started this journal. It feels like I wrote these yesterday but also decades ago all in the same. I moved last year out of a horrid house. I live with people who are great but I’m still not okay. I have a great life relatively speaking. Great job, still shitty at managing money (no surprise). My eating disorder still runs my life and I’m okay with that, I don’t think that will ever change. My therapist and dietitian say different but they don’t get it. To have something that’s always been and then to be told we have to change this, you don’t know what living is like. Yeah I don’t because this is my living. I have learned how to thrive in chaos. I may never get better. So buckle up cause I’m back.

X✨

[imightmakeit]

2/5/21

Well I left for those 7 weeks two years ago almost. In that time my parents separated and got in a huge battle for the house and what not. I got mental more sick and started to stuff in all the feelings I once knew I could safely express. I’m 24 now and it’s a shit show. I was in a lovely stable relationship and I ended it, no good reason honestly. I’ll probably never get married or have kids. I’ll probably never get to be a full time missionary. Why? Because I throw everything away, everything good I lose. This life sucks sometimes and I’m tired of having to continue to pretend like I’m good enough for it.

[imightmakeit]

6/12/19

I haven’t write on here in years. Maybe I moved on, I even got loads better—but then something happened. I don’t know exactly what but the dark slowly started coming back. I hate myself a little bit more daily and cutting seems like a great choice these days. I leave the country for 7 weeks in just 2... how will I survive?! I have leaned and leaned on God but I feel nothing. He has helped me through so much but what is happening now? Where is he, how can I be back in this place.

[imightmakeit]

8/24/14

Not eating gives me power and it's amazing. I love the feeling of this high. I am not letting it go away. Ana is my best friend, she is the one who knows what's best not anyone else I don't care what anyone says she is doing what is best for me. I know it. I have been more suicidal lately and I honestly know it would be so easy to just take all of my antidepressants and just have silence. It crosses my mind all the time and honestly I have taken so many pills I don't think testing it out would do much harm. I want to die because I am not worth it in this world.

[imightmakeit]

Missing two days of posting honestly I could care less I'm living in hell right now and I'm trying to put some heaven into it.

[imightmakeit]

8/11/14

I'm stressed and I'm over this whole living thing and getting better thing like screw it.

[imightmakeit]

8/10/14

I’d be a fucking saint if I could figure out how the hell to stay sane in this world. Oh well

[freddiemercuryhasmyheart]

No question about it…

[imightmakeit]

8/9/14

Talk to my mom about Slovakia and it's hard because they just don't understand and ugh. But whatever. I'm really having a crap time right now and it sucks. No lie I ate a whole pizza but didn't purge because I couldn't since everyone was home. So now what am I doing, gonna go pop some pills to make all this better again. My life is so hectic right now.

[imightmakeit]

8/8/14

Today has been some kind of day… had breakfast with Laura and really got to share my thoughts and just all that is going on in my life and it was really great. Then I had counseling and it was good we talked about what I’d like to work on now that I’m not planning to go to school and just what direction I want to head with therapy. Then later tonight I had coffee with Rachel and wow, it’s so crazy how amazing God is. He just wow, it was such an awesome time and I’m so glad God crossed our paths she just totally understands and it’s crazy. I’m excited to see where God leads this relationship and how it molds. We got to talk about Slovakia too which just warms my heart!! So excited that God has put on Rachel’s heart to go there and serve him there. I’m so glad I was able to share my heart and things I did and learned while there and for someone to be there and kinda be a sponge and absorb all that I had to offer to say about it tonight it was great!

[imightmakeit]

8/7/14

What's the point of bashing in a point to someone's head? If they get it the first time leave them alone. I understand I have a choice I understand I need to be an adult blah blah blah. But guess what I can't be now because I'm stuck at home gonna be working two - three jobs trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for 1 semester of school. You know what, screw school. I seriously can't take school any more I did it for 13 years. And what did I learn that is helping now in life ? Absolutely NOTHING. I am going to show everyone I can do this, I can make it. My mom says she's scared for me, fine be scared. I'm gonna prove her wrong. I know in what direction God is calling me therefore I will go that way and keep faithful, I'm not gonna give in to what the world is telling me I'm gonna follow the path God is leading me down and try not to question it.

[imightmakeit]

8/6/14

Well today I made up my mind, I'm going to try out school for this semester and see where it goes. I'm scared and excited but I know God is in control of this. I pray that I follow the right path and that I take every moment in school as a blessing and gift because so many people can not go to school. I want to take this experience and learn from it and see if this is where I really want to be or not. I leave in 9 days... I have a lot to do before then but I know that with this trial I will be doing what I need to be doing.

[imightmakeit]

8/5/14 (little letter I wrote to myself)

Dear self, Are you scared to disappoint others or yourself? Do you just not want to go to school because you're scared to fail or it's not for you right now? Did you just fall in love with the idea of school? I know that God is calling you to the field of mission but are you feeling you can't fulfill that without a degree? You know you don't have to follow the same path that everyone else is on right. It's okay to step out and be different, it's okay to take time to figure out what you want. School isn't the only option to get a career. Yes it helps but at the same time it doesn't guarantee a job. Do what you feel is best for you right now okay? Don't do what you think others expect of you just because you feel like you might disappoint them. If you keep living to please others you'll only continue to disappoint yourself, live your life; not the one others expect you to live. You have the power to choose, choose wisely, like I know you will. Just make sure whichever way you go make sure it makes you happy.

[imightmakeit]

8/4/14

Today sucked, the school I thought I was going to couldn't supply me with any more money or benefit then they already have. So I don't know if I'm going to school or not. I don't want to but at the same time I do. It's my one ticket out of my house. But also because I want to intern next year for JV and if I do I have to be in school for a whole year since I'm not 20...I just don't know! I feel like I need to figure things out in my life and work on me. I know and feel like God is calling me to Slovakia to work there for some purpose but I don't have a college degree or anything so I just don't know. I have until Wednesday to make up my mind. Huh I'm really scared.

[imightmakeit]

8/3/14

If I’m being honest with myself I’m having so many mixed feelings. One of those is that I’m not sure if I believe in God anymore. I just don’t know what to believe, like what if he isn’t real? What if it’s all made up and everyone is just believing some big lie just so this life doesn’t feel so hopeless? I honestly just don’t know what to do. I want to believe he’s real but there are so many more reasons to believe he isn’t real. What do I do? Believe in something for the sake of believing and to make others happy or to find what the truth is and if he’s the truth then I’m sticking with it but What if he’s not? I’m so confused I don’t know what to do.