Immaterial Badverts

Rants about adverts from a fellow with too much time on his hands!

[immaterialbadverts]

Jawdroppers/Rantvert - McDonalds

After 2 1/2 weeks of adverts not quite being bad enough, this gem from McDonalds UK arrived, and misguided is not even CLOSE to describing this.

This advert is depressing for 85 seconds, then just cynical for the remaining 5.

So, brief story-time...

Kid loses his father, and shares memories with his mother, well-meaning I suppose.

They then end up at a Maccy D’s, where it turns out the kid has the same bad taste in food as his late pa. Mumsy believes everything will be okay, and the ad cuts to the Golden M.

Stop, just stop. Could this have been more of a badly planned advert? No, seriously, could it?

As a comparison, I do not like the way that Charities tug at the heartstrings with graphic imagery and slow, emotional music to get you to support them, but I understand that they need to do this to get the message across.It is Heavy-handed, but if it gets the support. so be it.

This advert uses the grief and loss to sell...fast food. Sorry, that just does not sit right with me...at all. Misguided at best... Manipulative at worst/

Besides, Fillet-O-Fish? That is just the worst!

Just watch it, while it is still around, as it has being taken off of all media outlets by Wednesday 17th May at the latest due to complaints to the ASA.

Personally, I would keep it around as a lesson in how NOT to use emotion to sell products.

You know, come to think of it...there was another advert that used the same tactic recently. It had a woman showing her grandchild a photobook of her late husband...sitting on her IKEA furniture! I wonder if that suffered the same fate as the Golden Arches?

-Ryan (@Notimagain)

[immaterialbadverts]

Jawdroppers - Zoopla

Um...

We not have hermit crabs advertising an estate agent website now...

I guess it kinda fits, given what they are and all but...little model houses ON their shells?

...could be worse

[immaterialbadverts]

Jawdroppers - Heinz Tomato Ketchup

Ok, bonus Jawdropper as the most annoying adverts are Party Election Broadcasts...and I am not stepping in that minefield...

So instead...this gem...

So...this made the UK news last year apparently, and above is the US version of the advert (The labels have been digitally altered for the UK bottles) but it appeared here recently, and MY GOD...

We have a family of “Bottle People” standing in solidarity, waiting bravely...for the stampede....

...of dogs....in hot dog costumes.

EMOTION OVERLOAD!!!

Then again, it is advertising Ketchup.

[immaterialbadverts]

Jawdroppers - Another Moneysupermarket One!

I will just leave this one right here....

It is Skeletor, dancing in a MoneySuperMarket advert....

IT IS FRICKING SKELETOR, DANCING, IN AN ADVERT!

What more needs to be said?

[immaterialbadverts]

Rantverts - Lloyds Bank & Praise You?

Straight into this one again, mainly because this one annoys me so much that I really don’t need to do a preamble.

Oh Lloyds, when you divorced from TSB, did they take Creativity from you as part of the settlement?

I cannot state this enough, I do not like the song choice for this advert, whether it fits or not, but it seems to be the trend with the recent ad campaign. It is too slow, too sombre, even for Lloyds.

When will people learn about the damn escaped horse by the way? The recent Grand National escapee spends the ad’s entire run time legging it through the biggest run off area, looking forlornly at everyone and everything.

Sometimes it makes sense, like the veteran’s memorial on the hill. Sometimes...look, why would a horse look unhappy at a new mother!? I don’t get it.

Another thing...the voiceover states that Lloyds has been and always will be “At your side”...if so, get a better mascot as that horse was stopping for nobody, and at no point was by ANYONE’S side.

No, side-on doesn’t count.

-Ryan(@Notimagain)

[immaterialbadverts]

Jawdroppers - McCoys Win Gold

So it seems McCoys Crisps seem to have the “Am I okay?” thing down when it comes to their Flavour Calling adverts....

...but their competitions, well, that is a whole different story.

I am guessing Cyriak was not available for the production of this ad, but the makers tried to emulate his work....and I do mean tried.

Except it takes more than the top of a man’s head opening and a T-Rex shooting lazer beams to be Cyriak levels of surreal.

While I am here though....what the hell DOES it take for anyone in that damn office to break eye-contact from their computers? Honestly, them gold bars could knock them upside the head, and they would still be there, typing away...

...bloody workaholics!

-Ryan (@Notimagain)

[immaterialbadverts]

Rantverts - Play the Tape Back

So, we are in the the spring time, and after we have all failed our New Years Resolutions (Not me, I can’t break what I don’t make) we move on to trying, and failing, to do a bit of DIY around the house.

An essential tool required for DIY jobs is a First Aid Kit....and failing that, some tape. but do you want tape from the below?

This advert for T-Rex tape has been out in places that are not the UK for just about a year now, but hit our shores this month.

Let’s just state that this ad is odd and bad.

We see a kid just sighing at his broken treehouse ladder, when his dad comes along with T-Rex Tape in hand, and proceeds to fix the ladder, while also using a piece of wood, sturdy enough to use ON IT’S OWN!

What is the point of the tape, really? It doesn’t even fit with the asthetic of the damn treehouse.

Father and son look at a job well done, and proceed to roar in this middle of this forest, like a T-rex, because T-REX TAPE, GET IT?

I honestly don’t see the point of this ad guys. There isn’t much more to say.

-Ryan (@Notimagain)

[immaterialbadverts]

Jawdroppers - Virgin Media - High Fibre Diet

Before I continue my two week story about my one night of crazy adverts, a reminder. Jawdroppers are not always bad adverts, but DO hinge on the being...odd.

So, the following advert appeared on my TV IMMEDIATELY after the Barocca, and I will be quite honest, I double checked my drink....it was not tampered with.

So, in this Future Tube, which later turns out to be a cable wire, we have the following...

Soldier running from flaming arrows, biker with glamour model woman on the back. Okay, a little wierd for them all to be in the same place but I’ll bite.

Then, what looks to be some bootleggers are being chased by a horse and carriage driven by a cricketer, with the screemiest passangers known! I would say stop me if this is starting to get wierd, but I am in deep now so I’ll continue.

Ok, I forgot, the bootlegger/peaky blinder type car is being driven by a puppet! I will admit right now this gritty reboot of Wacky Races is getting bizarre.

Next, we have a group of frozen soldiers, and a group of WWI(?) Soldiers stretchering off a horse jockey, a SWAT Team, a recently married couple(?) and a mother-******* robot....What!?

Closely following them in this Virgin Grand National are, an archer, kids on bikes, a chef, and an astronaut.

Shout out the the Samurai ringing the “YEAHBOI” bell for a cowgirl and, and I think this is right, Virgin Media Man! She dumps him for some other bit of misplaced history, or the Sunderland football team, but it was a nice moment while it lasted.

Next, a car containing bank robbers and clown getaway drivers, is being chased by a Queen and bloody Donatello from the Ninja Turtles.

(Yes I mean Donatello, NOT Donnie....Donatello is not hard to pronounce dammit!)

Usain Bolt is in this advert, driving a Mad Max style vehicle. Let that sink in...the Lightning Bolt, in a post-apocalyptic car!

Oh, and Destiny is there....I suppose.

Snap Cut to Virgin Media engineer....who had the same drink I had, being able to shake it off as his imagination....oh how I wish to be him right now!

All this, all of this, was supposed to advertise high speed Fibre connections...I am not quite sure how. Oh wait, “Awesome WiFi” you say. Terrifying Wifi more like.

-Ryan (@Notimagain)

[immaterialbadverts]

Rantverts - Energy Crisis

Quick Badvert update, didn’t have a lot of time to write, and may have also got caught up in a pub quiz, but still...

We have had a few silly mascots in the world of advertising, we have had a penguin (British Gas), Gaz and Leccy (Smart Energy) ,and...er..Zingy? (EDF Energy).    Time to look at the latest competitor in the energy market...

...Except it is named after a bloody octopus!

Hello there Octopus Energy, nice B-movie attempt there, but your villian naming could use some work. I mean really, Giant Bill? Better names, Bill the Brutilizer. Banzai Bill, Bill-bo Baggins, all usuable.

The 50′s horror movie vipe ends quite quickly though, with everyones favourite Deus Ex Machina, the smartphone. And of all the colours in the world to use, it is bloody purple.

Giant Bill gets transformed into the most hoffifying stuffed octopus toy ever, and will live forever with it’s wry smile etched onto it’s face as the little girl will make sure it is the guest of honour at every tea party from now until the power finally runs out.

Oh, and it is recommended by TrustPilot if you want to make sure you only have things rated 5 stars in your entire life!

-Ryan (@Notimagain)

[immaterialbadverts]

Jawdroppers - Berocca

I am nearly lost for words on what I am about to place on this page.The following advert is on the level of my first Jawdropper, Freederm.

Look, just watch...

Okay, done? Good, now, please collect your mandible off of your floor and we will continue.

What you have just seen is the “new face” of Berocca vitamin tablets, Rocky the Chameleon. When he is not dancing to Punjabi MC (Still as catchy now as it was when it came out) he is showing us how these particular tablets can give you ‘the thrill of feeling energised’. If that sounds a bit dodgy, don’t worry. They are not MY words.

A few freaky dance moves in, and the other Chameleons as all getting into it, and a poor fly suffers as it flies past as the most in oppourtune time! Show product, make money, eat flies?

The advert was thought up by J. Walter Thompson London, and I tell you, they must have been on a lot of Berocca to decide on Bodypopping Chameleon from the idea board.

Parting thought, and this is a BIG parting thought. Do you all remember Iron Man 3? I only ask, as in the final third, Rocky starts glowing orange. I know that is supposed to be the Berocca visually kicking in.

But I my head I thought “S***, everyone in that forest is a goner, Extremis explosion there? Buh bye!”

I saw two ads that qualified as a Jawdropper on the night I wrote this, but that is a story for next week.

Till next time

- Ryan (@Notimagain)

[immaterialbadverts]

Rantverts - Comparing the Admirals

So, I said these previously that rants would contain a story before the destruction of these adverts.

Once upon a time, I did not care about insurance. Car, health, home, none of them were really for me. Then I saw my first Go Compare advert all those years back.

Then, I REALLY did not not care for insurance!

The past couple of years have seen some right wierd campaigns. The most prominent seem to be the Direct Line “Wolfe” ads (Adding some Pulp Fiction fixing to the mix) and the continuing bizzareness of the “EPIC” ads for Moneysupermarket.

These ads are still cycling the TV channels, along with with a couple more that I am going to look at, which if you read the post title, you should have seen from a mile away!

We shall start with Admiral first.

This is the most recent of the “Meet The Admiral” series of adverts created by *paper shuffle* McCann Birmingham, and contains the titular Admiral (Lucy Barker) wanting her staff to pitch new ideas regarding a car policy of some sort.

Enter an idea from a guy called Tom, who pulls from under the desk the creepiest looking doll on television.

Ok, how does a DOLL help sell car insurance? It is not like people want rewards for choosing a particular provider....oh right....the frickin’ Meerkats!

Tom is rightfully shot down for the scary creation, and the group get their policy sorted. Somewhere along the line I was meant to understand the benefits of said policy but no, all I remember is the damn doll, and with the added fact that the team leave old Tom to his own devices afterward, prepare for an army of the blasted things.

Now, do you remember when the original Go Compare adverts were first released, and we got our first performance of.... and I can’t believe I just searched for this... Gio Compario (Wynne Evans)?

Remember when they got rid of him and there was much rejoicing?

Remember when we missed his twirly moustache and wanted him back?

Do you now regret that moment!?

How Gio was summoned through this recent series of adverts includes : Back of a taxi, on a gondela, at a pool hall, and at a mansion.

This one, however, makes the LEAST sense.

These pilots are shocked that Gio is on top of said plane. When they did the pre-flight checks, did they never consider a portly tenor on top of the plane!?

The magical group of dancers and flags that pop in and out of shot are also disturbing.

Finally, we should be all lucky(unlucky) that Gio is still with us, as he was walking on that plane with NO safety harnesses. I was honestly expecting him to go the way of Goldfinger!

-Ryan (Twitter: @Notimagain)

[immaterialbadverts]

Back on the horse : A Badvert Tale (w/ Added Jawdropper)

So, it has been about 3 months....

My Christmas Badvert project was going well as a “creative thing” to do while searching for work, with the odd skipped day. Then there was good and bad news.

The good? I managed to start a new job before Christmas. The Bad? Not really enough time to do what I was doing and keep my head in the employment game.

Now I am settled in, however, so it is now time to get back on with the merciless ribbing of British Television’s annoying, silly, and even mind-boggling advertisments that are being screened at the time I write about them - and this time, I am going to schedule it.

Tuesdays - Jawdroppers :  A look at the weird spectrum in advertising, and asking the important questions, such as “What have I just watched?”, “How much X/Y/Z were the ad company taking?”, and “How long till the ASA pull this thing?”.

Thursdays - Rantverts : Originally just Badverts, these will be closer to the Christmas project, a little chance to tell a slight story, and link it to Badvert. Or, a particular Badvert what warrants a right talking about.

Additionally, I’m going to take suggestions (If people read this that is :P ) on either type of advert. All I ask is that the advert is real and current (A video link also helps)

I am now on the tweets machine @Notimagain so suggestions could go there.

And now...the Jawdropper, and it is time for the current king of the Jawdroppers... Aldi, again!

(This is the space where the ad should be....except even though it has appeard on TV, it seems to be a bit too “Sensitive” for the web)

So, time for some awkward descript-o-vision!

A teddy bear sits in the middle of a living room, comparing sensitive wipes. He says that he likes the wipes to the left of him, and the wipes to the right of him (and that he is stuck in the middle with you).

He then mentions batteries, shudders, and says that he himself could so with some sensitive wipes and... WTF!?

I should mention that I saw this advert in between two soaps, both claiming that they had “upsetting scenes”. and I am mature enough to say that I saw said soaps, and there were as such, but nothing prepared me for that advert. Nothing at all.

You should have seen my face, it was a picture. My flatmates saw my face, they had a good time!

Uh, one question that seems to show how my mind is operating is springing to mind, “What does the teady bear use?”

[immaterialbadverts]

12 Days of Badverts - Day 5

Today, I start with a question. What is Christmas to you?

It is the age old discussion,and something that has been asked and answered by people better than myself, but it is still worth asking, and considering I didn’t have a better opening planned, let’s answer it now.

For a lot of people who follow the Christian faith, it is the story of the birth of Jesus Christ, and of course, one of the traditions during the time is the Nativity play. I remember being cast as Wise Man #2 during a Nativity. I don’t think it was due to any particular talent, but the fact that I could actually pronounce “frankincense“, at the time. Of course, once everyone else caught on, I got bumped down to “Shepherd”, but still, good times.

For businesses, it is about toys, gifts, and moolah. Throw on a sale, get people through the door, get the Christmas playlists going, and watch the coffers fill up. Oh, it is also about putting shelves up in bloody August!

For me, however, it is about getting together with the family, having a laugh, and nice grub. A simple, soppy, cliched answer I know, but it is still true.

Day 5′s advert has got two of those points down. I don’t picture the third point combining with Christmas very well though.

That is because the advert is for McDonalds, because when I think Christmas food I think of Roast Potatoes, Turkey and a Plain Double Cheeseburger with a Chocolate Milkshake(!)

So we have a vintage doll called Juliette, who seems to be spending the days before Christmas staring out of a window, in the hope that she will get sold to someone...anyone...buy her!

A couple of points from the offset...Mr Toy Salesman, Jeffery? You have put her on the shelf way too late.

From the dates he is tearing off of the calendar, she has been put on the shelf from about mid-December. Well we already know this is a mistake, as your competitors have been preparing for this in the Summer.

Speaking of Summer, I know this is set in the UK, and we can have variable weather, but only in McDonald’s fantasy universe can we go through all four seasons in the space of 9 days!

Christmas Eve comes around, and Juliette has decided to make her own luck. How no-one OTHER than Jeffery fails to notice her is beyond me. She makes every effort to be visible.

She meets a Buzz Lightyear rip-off and and they live happily ever after. Jeffery waves goodbye to that lost sale, and the “good times” tagline appears.

What have we learnt from this advert? You tell me because didn’t figure anything out!

On the Fifth Day of Badverts the Rant Man gave to me:

5 Happy Meals, 4 Double Shifts, 3 Glowing Boxes, 2 Sparkly Shoes, and a Dog on a Trampoline!

[immaterialbadverts]

12 Days of Badverts - Day 4

We have arrived at Day 4, a third of the way through my Christmas naughty list.

So far I have ripped into my gifts of two major high street retailers, that have conflicting ideas of who wears the red baggy woolen trousers, and a catalogue that loves its numbering conventions.

My demonic christmas tree has a further nine pressies around the base of it, and a couple of them are starting to melt. The risk of buying gifts from supermarkets I guess.

So lets try and save a couple from defrosting on the floor. Shall I open Asda? Nope. Tesco? Nuh uh. Sainsbury? Not Yet Corden! Iceland? Considering they are having an argument with a COUNTRY, I should give them a break...

...or I could add to the woes!

This time, there will be a brief history lesson on the ad campaign that led to this “cheerful” misery.

Earlier this year, Iceland revealed a series of ads titled “The Moment When...” The story of these adverts involved three families being “surprised” when a Iceland van arrived at their house, and gave them a selection of frozen goodies. Cue happy family enjoying the fresh new food that they will go back to forever.

Now don’t get me wrong, if Iceland just popped up at my door with free food, I would have it, but here’s the thing... I would actually be suprised, as I would not have a ******* camera crew in my house ALREADY.

That trope really ****** me off, it really does, and it isn’t just in adverts, it is rife in TV as well. Do the camera crews turn up and say “Hi Madam, I just need to put this tripod and lighting rig in the corner for no reason, don’t worry about it”? DO THEY **** I’m sorry, but if I can see the moment the “surprise” happens, from the view of the ******* person’s hallway, it is NOT a ******* surprise is it? I am not going to be the dumb gulliable ****** this time. No sir.

Tangent aside, the irony was not lost on Iceland, as it looks like they have taken the mickey out of themselves with “The Moment when the Claus family met Iceland”.

Every in-joke you could have wanted was there for you to pretend to laugh at. Santa prefers to call himself Nick, very modern. They are “Christmasoholics”, of course. There had to be mince pies in the bag, they said so themselves. And guess what, they were right. What a “surprise”!

Okay one line got me with a giggle. “How is he?” “Vet says his nose is still red” “Oh Good”. That was the most you were getting out of me with my jaw being on the floor.

Actually two. “Hello-ho-ho”. Some cheap jokes are effective, with the right usage.

Finally, feel for Poor Northern Nick, he has a bit of a complex. Sarah was about to say she didn’t believe in frozen food, but was inturrupted with “Father Christmas?”.

Great, even Iceland believed the message John Lewis conveyed. Quick, get me some more cotton wool, the protection is starting to wear away from the nation!

On the Fourth day of Badverts, the Rant Man gave to me:

4 Double Shifts, 3 Glowing Gifts, 2 Sparkly Shoes, and a Dog on a Trampoline!

[immaterialbadverts]

12 Days of Badverts - Day 3

I would like to start today’s update with a brief statement.

I may not have continued with the 12 Days of Badverts over the weekend, and for that I say, “Yeah thanks, I am completely aware.”  I had someone ask when the next update was going to be as he enjoyed the first two, and when I said that I was not doing a weekend update, you should have seen his face.

Except I didn’t as I was not speaking face to face, and if you did, I would double check your choice of profession as you are either a VERY good spy, or you might need to maintain that shrine of yours, and besides he wasn’t that bothered. He’s a good friend like that, and you should be too.

On to Day 3, and the next choice was an easy one, because patterns are key.

It is time for Very to end up on the chopping block, and not just for the fact it’s ripping off the animation style of the plague of Christmas itself, Frozen (A crime in itself that should be punished to the fullest extent of the law).

Straight away I see a contridiction is this advert. Note the tagline : Get more out of giving. Let’s just say the woman in this ad, big-hearted she may be, has totally messed this up. Not to say I counted...much, but I saw her give away 52(!) pink pressies, and by the end of her story, she received one...from her daughter...who would have give her one anyway! Quite a defecit you have there Mrs Orange Hair.

To be fair though, most of the people she gave the Radioactive gifts to deserved it. Lonely woman, new parent, kids in hospital, a juggler... all deserving. The taxi driver? She didn’t use them, so I’m not sure whats going on there.

These are all small points though, and I found something more disturbing. I said earlier that patterns are key, so answer me this question. What is Very’s obsession with the number 3?

Three people in the cafe, the three snowball fight kids, three people at the bus stop, the three stages of life in the high street, the juggler, the waiting charge that taxi driver is adding onto the meter, the hospital. It’s everywhere, but why?

It’s like they have...a...payment...plan...

...shut up.

On the Third day of Badverts, the rant man gave to me:

3 Glowing Boxes

2 Sparkly Shoes

And a dog on a trampoline!

[immaterialbadverts]

12 Days of Badverts - Day 2

The second day of this little “experiment” has begun, and already I feel that I may have bitten off more than I can chew. The first line of my take on the 12 days of Christmas may have been a gimme, but now I have to think of 11 more, and my head is already ready to explode.

Well at least I think I have number 5 down, but that is a couple of days off yet. Besides, after checking through my list, and checking it...more than once, I have decided that number two on the naughty list was fairly cut and dry.

Like yesterday’s present to you all, I am not going to insult your intelligence by telling you the story of the advert, as everyone and their bounding dog will have watched it, and it has been out for what feels like an eternity already. So let’s just go straight to the observations.

Mr and Mrs Claus are a sickeningly nice couple aren’t they? Packed lunches (”cheese and pickle”), dieting advice (”Keep away from those mince pies”), and geography refreshers (”Don’t forget Australia.” “I won’t...Easliy done”). Are M&S ribbing themselves regarding delivery problems? Surely not.

Next, and I don’t mean to offend....too badly, but little Jake is a bit of a ****, isn’t he? Stealing pens, poor hose-manship, and destruction of property makes his perfect career choice a Youtube prankster, or a politician.

Oh look, it is Secret Agent Claus, and her hidden stash of store bought pre-wrapped goodness. And away she goes to save the day!

The helicopter’s designation on the side seems familiar... R-DOLF... Our Dolph! I get it!

Oi, keep away from those mince pies you said! Better take the second one as a peace offering!

Finally, the present is opened, and Anna has a nice pair of shoes that will be used in the modern day re-telling of the Wizard of Oz. Tyger, we are not in Croydon anymore.

Well I guess Mrs Claus is not that bad...wait. 50 SHADES OF RED, you dirty, dirty minded woman!

On the second day of Badverts, the Rant Man gave to me:

2 Sparkly Shoes, and a Dog on a Trampoline.

[immaterialbadverts]

The 12 days of Badverts - Day 1

I did have an idea of “reviewing” the torrent of goodwill and joy (mostly, there is that one more sombre ad) for a little while. However I thought it was a good idea to wait until December, as I am NOT A ******* MONSTER.

There are a massive amount of Christmas Ads this year, all wanting to perform the double honour of pulling both the heart strings AND the purse strings. So naturally, I want to rip into a few. Twelve to be exact.

So let us begin, with a touching tale of the excitement of the night before Christmas, and the cheek of “Man’s Best Friend”

Meet Buster, a very excitable Boxer, who enjoys the company of...Who am I kidding!? Why am I telling you the story of the advert? You, your family, your friends, your “Facebook” friends and even your Facebook “Friends” have seen this thing. I mean it is almost impossible to NOT put John Lewis and Christmas in the same sentence. Let’s just get to the part where I rant a little.

First of all, what kid could sleep with that racket going on outside? Kudos to the dad for the effort, but he was one hammer away from making Jeremy Clarkson say “Go over there, I’ll take over”.

(At this point. I would like to take some time to address the crowd that complained by saying “My kid/s will now know Santa Claus is not real”, with the following: *clears throat* GET OVER IT, IT WILL HAPPEN, AND YOUR KID WILL NOT BE ANY WORSE OFF BY KNOWING. I MEAN IT DID NOT AFFECT ME WHEN I FOUND OUT, AND I AM A WELL-ADJUSTED PERSON FOR KNOWING.)

Next, The Animals of Farthing Wood would have been nowhere near as traumatic if the woodland creatures just pitched in for a trampoline and had a nice time, and look, we have at least one hedgehog! The other is on the M56, between Junctions 10 and 11.

Finally, Buster, Buster, Buster. You had to go and do it didn’t you. You could not wait for the kid to use it, get bored of it, and the first signs of rust to start showing. You had to be first... well, Seventh? Wait. Two Foxes, a Badger, a Squirrel and a Hedgehog? Ah, Sixth? Yeah, Sixth?

To the man walking past the much more awesome present of a Telephone Box? Yes, you are seeing this.

On the first day of Badverts, the Rant Man gave to me:

A Dog on a Trampoline!