Que d'espérance...♡

🐼Psychology student👩🏻‍🎓 Living with Autism. Fighting to recover from my diagnosis' of Depression & Anxiety, CPTSD, OCD and Anorexia. ❕Trigger Warning❕This blog is representing my thoughts & feelings through text posts and images. I do not, in any way, glorify, promote or encourage any type of self-destructive behaviour! 🙅🏻

[imperfect-panda]

Stupid fucking rules. Stupid fucking rules. Stupid fucking rules. Stupid fucking rules.

Mix the autistic mind, rigidity, obsessive fixations, constant racing and bad thoughts and severe suicidal ideation and it’s an absolute shit show going on in my head currently. I wish I could find a way around them sooner 🙃

I feel beyond help. I’ve given up ever thinking I’ll get even a little bit better. I want to go now, but my stupid head with it’s stupid rules are extremely difficult to break and work around 😓

[autistic-culture-is]

having your family and friends tell you that you remind them of big bang theory’s sheldon cooper is autistic culture

[interestingly-pale-deactivated2]

i am sorry this world could not keep you safe may your journey home be a soft and peaceful one

Rupi Kaur

[imperfect-panda]

Beyond shocked, 💕😔

[tarynstunes]

Visit Original Link

[imperfect-panda]

'Cause I can make it on my own,  And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain,  When I'm finished, they won't even know your name

[imperfect-panda]

Yesterday’s outfit ft new Doc 1461 shoes and my Run&Fly dinosaur dress 🦕🦖

[dholeful]

[bezimienna0]

my mind is destroying my entire being and i cant seem to stop it

[mae0x]

[beautiful-sin-deactivated201809]

[fjordhulder]

*has no plans* wow I’m wasting my youth away my life is a wasteland I wish I was like one of those busy people

*has two things coming up in the same week* omg ok no I can’t handle the pressure of this wow my anxiety is off the charts this is too much

[scarpology]

i hate knowin that people that ruined parts of me still live and function like nothing ever happened

[i-write-and-stuff-deactivated20]

self harm is ugly and should not be fucking romanticized. Eating disorders are ugly and shouldn’t be fucking romanticized. Menatal illnesses are fucking ugly and SHOULDN’T BE FUCKING ROMANTICIZED.

[blaekswan-deactivated20210428]

me, age 15: i cant wait to be 20 when i will finally reach my full potential, peak me,

me, on my 20s: i cant wait to die

[autistic-culture-is]

autistic culture is sitting in a spinny chair and using your feet to push yourself very slightly one way and then the other, over and over again

[imperfect-panda]

I have to go and pick my dress up in a couple of hours for my Nan’s funeral on Wednesday and I really would rather not, but I can’t put it off any longer. 😞💔

[imperfect-panda]

I’m sorry I haven’t been online in so long. Things haven’t been great so it’s probably time for an honest update. I promise I will eventually answer all the individual messages lovely people have sent me… 

  My moods are extremely unstable and all over the place. My psychiatrist has voiced concerns to my CMHT and CPN several times about my mood and risk level via appointment update letters etc. The CMHT psych decided at my last review with him (Nov 2017) that he didn’t know how else to help, and so therefore, I no longer have a CPN (go figure).  January I started Fluoxetine, and within a week my mood was extremely and dangerously high - I barely slept, I was talking non-stop, talking over people and generally being fucking annoying, I was productive at Uni (I got a first in a presentation because I wasn’t nervous at all, the excited mood actually helped in this case!)  but it was also unbearably frustrating and I was very agitated, irritable and impatient, so it started great and gradually became more tedious to the point I was physically exhausted and unable to concentrate in lectures, so much so I was walking out within 10 minutes of them starting and friends and my tutor noticed my mood was roller-coastering a lot. Then 8-9 days later it crashed and ever since then it has been unbearably low.  I was taken off Fluoxetine and I’m currently on Duloxetine; my mood hasn’t shifted and neither have my fast thoughts; even after I came off Fluoxetine. This is the 6th anti-depressant I have been prescribed now - They’ve either made me feel 10 times worse, done nothing, made me agitated or, only with the case of Fluoxetine, made my mood extremely high then crash to low.  I’m hanging onto Uni by the skin of my teeth. I’ve had to speak to 3 separate people about interrupting studies in the past fortnight, as well as the mental health adviser. Many separate professionals I’ve spoken to have said that no, they don’t exactly think I am well enough/fit enough to be at Uni at all at the moment, but they also feel that having no structure if I interrupted would make me worse because I would have no purpose, which I agree with. So I guess I have to continue and drag myself through this. I am academically capable, just not mentally - I have so far got a first, 2:1, first. Then as my mood deteriorated, my grades slipped and I got my first ever 2:2 - however I got marks back last week from Forensic Psychology and I got a first, and my lecturer said it was an amazing piece of work that I should be proud of. I don’t know how to feel about it though, I don’t feel like I can cope with the physical and mental demands of Uni anymore. My attendance is appalling.  I feel completely ground down. 

Then, when I felt things couldn’t possibly get any worse, early hours of 13th March, I got the most devastating phone call off my Dad. My Nan had passed away. I had seen her on mother’s day, and spent the majority of the afternoon with her talking and laughing and smiling. She was looking quite well, except she had begun to get a chest infection on the Friday so had quite a bad cough. She had secondary cancer but she got ambulanced to hospital on Monday with Pneumonia and died Tuesday morning - I didn’t know she had been taken to hospital, and my dad was in Benidorm until the 13th. My uncle said it happened so quickly because even Monday morning and afternoon, she seemed fine but Monday night she went downhill rapidly. I was extremely close to my Nan, she was the only relative I felt emotionally close to, the only relative I have ever shown any affection to (I won’t even kiss/hug my mum or dad, I would only ever kiss & hug my Nan, even from being a toddler - idk if that’s just one of my specific Aspergers things though?). The last thing I said to her was that I would come down and see her in the week, and that I hope she started to feel better soon but if it got any worse maybe she should go to the hospital or ring the GP back.  Words cannot describe how heartbroken I currently feel. When my dad told me I just dropped my phone and bawled my eyes out,  crying in the middle of my mum’s bedroom (which woke her up) at 01:36 in the morning.  I feel numb, confused, angry. It’s not fair. I don’t know how to cope or process any of this. I don’t want to accept it. I feel sick, I can’t stop crying. My head and eyes hurt. I don’t understand how I had seen and talked to her and gave her Mother’s Day presents - and less than 48 hours later she was no longer there anymore

[thinkphilo-unactive]

some people just don’t understand how exhausting it is fighting with your emotions all the time