survive

28- she/her or they/them - non-binary

[importantmentalitywolf]

Missing

As I got ready for bed

I felt something missing

We are a few months from you being gone a year

And I still find myself subconsciously looking

Subconsciously listening for you

Waiting for you to come to bed with the others

I went to fix the blanket you laid on

I hugged the air where you would have been

A small part of me wishing I could hold you

One last time.

But the last times would never end

I wasn't ready to lose you

But I knew 17 years was the most I could ever ask

I knew it was your time

That doesn't stop the pain

The grief that consumes me at times.

I've dreamed of you the last few nights

It feels so real

I just want one more hug

your purr filling my ears

Your insistence that I pay attention to you over the other 2.

I'm sorry. The hole you left is just so big sometimes.

It's noticeable

Someone is missing

[importantmentalitywolf]

Cry

I wish I could tell you what yesterday was. I wish I was comfortable enough to tell you what I'm going through. When my two work moms know more than you, it's hurts. I wish I could have your support. But I don't trust you. Every text is me hoping it's not you going back to asking me for money I don't have. Or asking for something I can't do. Waiting for you to go back to how you always do. It's miserable. I just want you, as in who I remember you being, not who you are today. A stranger.

[importantmentalitywolf]

Spinning

I'd be lying If I said I wasn't terrified of losing weight on this new diet. I want to loose the weight, but not where I'm triggered. I'm afraid of losing it too fast....

I'm terrified of not getting my appropriate pay in January. What if OT isn't offered like now. They said it was all going away come January. With no ETA on when they are going to pay me what I've been promised.... I don't know what I'm going to do...

[importantmentalitywolf]

TEST

You said you did it to test me. I had been walking to meet you at work for months/dare I say years at this point. Yet on this day in mention, you decided to test me.

You called on a security officer whom you worked with. Told him to go pick me up while I walked to your work. Without telling me. When I got to your work you told me it was to test if I would get into a strangers car. I didn't tell you how scared I was. How terrified I was in that truck. How mentally prepared I was to physically hurt myself by jumping out his moving truck.

I didn't care that he knew you. I didn't care that I have verified he worked with you. That I demanded to see his badge. I didn't care. Scenarios played in my head. Of all this going wrong.

What kind of Parent does that do their child?

Then you told me that wasn't the first time you had done that to me. When I was a young child you had ask a store employee to approach me when I wasn't listening. You said I screamed and cried.

Twice you put my life in the hands of a stranger. The first time you watched, the 2nd time you were helplessly at work. Trusting this guy I didn't know to pick me up and take me to you.

To this day I am very angry with you for that. For what it's worth, dad is mad at you too for that.

[importantmentalitywolf]

More than a memory

I remember the day I found out you were killed. I remember watching the news and knowing I knew you. I remember my mom saying I didn't. But in my gut, I knew I did. The story said

Teen girl. Shot by her stepbrother because she was on the phone and refused to get off for him.

I was in disbelief. My friend. Gone. I hadn't known you long. Maybe spent time with you a day or two. Your dad and mine were friends. Your dad worked with my mom.

I know it's been over 10 years since you were taken so young. But I've been thinking of you today. Remembering that day we were at Freedom park watching the burrowing green bees in the sand and then taking over the jumping castle. Remembering the night I found out you were gone. Remembering the next day doing research at home. It was summer. We were out of school. When I realized it was you, I couldn't stay in the house. I called my dad to tell him. I called my mom to tell her I was right.

My heart aches for you today. I don't know why it's so strong. The grief of you gone. But today, it lingers. As more than a memory.

[anxietyproblem]

[importantmentalitywolf]

Waiting lonely

Years ago, you told me I was too important, that I knew too much about you and helped you through so much... that you couldn't let me go as a friend. So even when I was pushing you away, you hung on close. We seemed to have this back and forth dance for a bit.

Till you finally got with the person I knew you would end up with. While we all get along very well, you now have a family, and are newly weds. You have a new job, in a new careers field. The field your dad and many others have told me I should go for.

Now I'm lucky if I get to see you guys twice a year. I'd be lying If I said I was jealous of our other friend. You seem to always be around him and he's always there. I see pictures of him going on trips with you guys. I'm glad you guys have found another friend, but I feel replaced. Where I used to hear from both you guys for days. Sometimes weeks at a time.

But now, I'm lucky if I hear from you guys first. You said we'd do dinner, but I've hardly heard from you guys. Yet I see you guys going on road trips and taking mini vacations and hanging out with him.

I miss you guys. Part of my chosen family.

[importantmentalitywolf]

Clouds

Not that I wish you any ill-will. I am who I am because of what you put me through.

Today I had a question, what would my life had been like, if you didn't survive that car crash. How different would my life had been? I wish I could change it, but then I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn't have the friends I have now. Yes, there are things I'd LOVE to go back and change and see how different things would be. But I can't.

I'm glad you survived the car crash, but I'm not proud of how it changed everything.

[importantmentalitywolf]

Fork

Today I was given a choice. Take a few days to make my decision.

On one hand, I stay where I'm at for two more years at least. Go to school and work to move up. With people who can and will support me at work.

On the other hand, a potential new position. That sounds a sweet tune of more compensation, but a lot more responsibilities. To be in charge of a group of people. Making set money. But I'd loose a lot of that support at work. Pay back for school I'm signed up for.

They said take a few days, think about it, and get back to them. It's sounds like a good opportunity for right now. But what about in a few years, when I could be doing something completely different if I stay where I'm at?

[importantmentalitywolf]

Blood

I can't help but scoff today. Friday, someone told me not to make it 3 years since I talked to you. That blood is thicker than water. But what the saying says is "the Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." So their saying to try and guilt me, intentionally or not, to talk to you, is actually derived from the very saying that says my chosen family is stronger than the one I was born into.

Today, if it's real, you have shown me why I stopped talking to you. Why keeping this distance is important. Healthy for me. You are toxic and I don't need to explain that to anyone. I don't owe anyone that explanation. I'll gladly tell my side to anyone who wants to listen.

But to those who tell me, I only get one of you. That I'll regret not talking to you and making up when things get bad or you pass on. That I shouldn't let this relationship crumble over finances.... they can kindly show their way out of my life or keep quiet. I'll grieve when you pass, but not for the "parent" you are today, but for the parent I long to have back. The parent I had as a small child.

Because now, all you are is Toxic

[importantmentalitywolf]

Fog

Why I felt the need to apologize to you today, I'm not sure. I do still support you and your chosen career, I just need to focus on me. I technically didn't lie, when I said I was too broke. I technically didn't lie when I said I really haven't done anything the last few weeks but home and work.

I hope you see it as a genuine apology and not me making excuses. Though, honestly, that's up to you, not me.

[anxietyproblem]

[importantmentalitywolf]

Riverside Stones

My head is pounding as my mind races. Nothing sticks. It just runs right on by. Like it's running for it's life. One. Two. Three. Five. Ten. I just need to breath. My task is numingly repetitive. Empty the trash can. Put a new bag in. Repeat. Take trash out when the bin is full. Come back and finish. Nothing to stop these racing thoughts. Fifteen. Twenty five. Twenty nine. Thirty. Blaring music isn't helping. My head just throbs stronger. I'm terrified to walk in silence. Where these thoughts go. One more hour. Just one more hour.

[anxietyproblem]

[anxietyproblem]

[booksquoteslife]

“I know you’ll never love me but maybe you’ll stay for awhile.”

— Henry Rollins, Solipsist

[importantmentalitywolf]

Eternal friend

I love you sincerely as a soul that I admire so much.

And really connect with on a level I've never been able to exceed.

I just want you to decide what's best for you wellbeing.

And I want you to be okay.

Even if that means I have to stay away.

Your stability is fundamentally more important than my selfishness.

I'd rather you be happy without me in your life, than doomed to inner turmoil and confusion with me in it.

I'll always love you in that way.